Husband secret spending

[user86]

I would love to get your opinion on this, as i'm starting to feel like a total nag and like i am controlling. I try to act reasonbly and fairly so your honest opinion/advice would be welcome!

So have been married a year now. Hes a lovely guy with a good heart. I know he loves me and wants to make me happy (same for me). However he has always been a spender. He has a good job, but when i married him had no savings (even though he lived at home rent free). I had a flat and paid rent. His father passed away recently and left him some money which we've used to pay the flat off a bit. but this wasnt his money saved, but his fathers.

He has zero financial insight. He was heavily mothered by a nightmare of a MIL. He is passionate about fashion, and spends so much on clothes!

I am a saver, and conscious about our future. I rearely treat myself, and when I do its thought about. A few months ago I found out he was spendings nearly £1000 in a month on clothes. We dont even have room for it. He'll see a top he likes and think nothing of buying it in every colour. I was patient and explained to him this cant happen now. We have to build a future. He can buy things but not like that. He promised he would stop. we decided it would be best to go cold turkey with online shopping as it seemed to be an addiction.

He was good. But i recently found he had set up a new email address, and had been shopping on it. He gets it delivered to a different address. It's nearly £1000 spent between two months!

I am not earning right now as between jobs. Its incredibly stressful and i feel horrible telling him about his spending when I am not earning. But we talk about our financces as shared, and he stresses he sees it this way. It doesnt feel like that though.

He doesnt see we have mortgage and bills. when i confronted him he started by saying it was investment pieces! But he recognised it was too much and he wouldnt want me to discuss it with my parents (who wouldnt like it much). So he knows its wrong.

I told him honestly hes makeing me question if im wrong for nagging him. I dont know anymore. He said perhaps some pocket money to spend as he wanted would be good (£200 a month). I just wanted him to recognise he didnt need this much stuff!!

I just saw he spent £20 on another pair of shorts. Wrongly i didnt bring it up with him but just cancelled the order. I think this was silly of me. I dont want to mother/stalk him like that.

In short.....Am i being a total, nagging, controlling, overbearing wife? Should he be allowed to do this?

I am confused lol!

In the future don't marry someone hoping they will change. It is vanishingly rare.

I'm a saver... STBXH is a spender and racked up the credit card bills unbeknown to me. We are now getting divorced. He doesn't have savings but is entitled to half of mine. Also as he has debt, that is taken off his available capital so he then is "entitled" to more cash to make our finances the same.

A complete kick in the teeth. Please don't let this be you.

This is a big red flag. You may be able to deal with it now as it's early in your marriage - counselling as others have said, an agreed plan for your monthly income that includes taking £x out first as savings and ending up with equal spending money after bills. Just don't let it go on too long. If he doesn't show you he can turn this around I would get out and cut your losses. You will absolutely need savings to fall back on if you have childcare costs and want to move to a larger home in future.

It sounds like addiction to me. That short term high for a long term low.

What happens when the money runs out?

What happens when he has no room to store clothes?

A lock up/container.

Or a move onto buying scratchcards/lottery/online gambling?

He is already trying to hide the extent of this.

I guess token british has a point thats worthy to note. Compatibility, boundaries, and where to meet in the middle. My OH is probably more like token british, ie appreciate indulging over saving (and I dont mean that badly at all token british, its just different to me and some others, which is to appreciate having savings and investments over things')

I guess I have to find out (again) how important this spending is (and on a more practical and comical point, where on earth hes planning to put his stuff)

but cambionome hit the nail on the head. the secrecy hurts, and its what led me to post here. Had i forced him to do it secretly, by asking too much of him and being unreasonable. Is he being forced to go 'underground' as it were, when he should be able to indulge.

i guess deep down i would have liked that him to recognise we are down to one earner for a while. (although i have some savings which the mortgage currently comes out of because i built a savings nest egg and didnt spend on me-the irony). and that doesnt have to mean we go into out inheritance nest egg to bankroll his passions for his wardrobe. that could grow into a house deposit when i earn again. to see its tough for the ego and your self esteem when your being 'bankrolled' as it was put. If i were in his position i'd probably be watching my spending a tiny bit, and not forcing my partner who isnt earning to feel guilty about challenging the spending

you;re right, its probably that thats hurts more than the actual spend (athough i wont lie, seeing that much money on duplicate items is paaaainful)

mrs terry prachet- solid advice, take note pre wedding people!!

try to forge a new life- that sounds horrible, unjust and unfair. it may be a kick in the teeth but hopefully you will move forward to greater things totally responsible for yourself. good luck. valuable lesson there

the plans with savings and a shared plan sounds good. I think he doesnt have a clue about how to view finances, so may be open to try.

i guess it will need a zero tolerance on lying but with an allowance. not what i wanted to do, it would be nice to not have to mother so much. but arrogant not to teach someone

youve all been really helpful.

I’m playing devils advocate a bit (and as you can probably guess I am a spender not a saver) but the fact you are paying the mortgage out of your savings changes my view massively.

He’s not just not saving, he’s spending your savings. I had it the wrong way round.

If it is a compulsion, you trying to police him will not work. Therapy might.

He said he'd change before you married.

He didn't. And whats worse he's lied to cover it up.

Where can you go from there?

I'm 17 years down the line from where you are. Believe me, it will get worse, especially when you have children. I've bailed my stbxh out of more than 20k of debt over the years, not to mention the debt he got me into debt recently by spending 4k on my credit card that Im still paying off. He was asking me for money to pay the mortgage, but spending £135 on new trainers. It's one of the many reasons that I'm now divorcing him. If were you, I'd get a job, get your independence back, and get the hell out while you can.

devils advocate is more than welcome, helps to challenge and question position.

I see marriage as a joint venture. otherwise dont bother. financially you are working together. one might be up one day and visa versa, but youre sharing everything to work toward common goals.

I dont get too hung up on where the mortgage is going or coming from. If my saving are depleted before i find employment again, the mortgage will need to come from our joint savings.

he will keep buying his clothes at this rate regardless.

there will be no growth. And the worst thing is, he wants the nice big house also, the car, the kids, the dog etc. I think he things his mum might just give us money for it! I would never accept that, she has her own life!

i guess seeing a new pair of shiny £20 shorts from next in his order list set me off. he doesnt need it, he has about 3 already. no one needs it really. and if they do, it comes at the cost of something else. he needs to understand that.

he's expecting handouts. or he's remaining 'ignorant' of where this will all come from, as long as he has reaching this impossible complete wardrobe he talks about.

you spend away token british, im sure youre more sensible than my OH anyway lol

I think youre right also, once i start working and get back my confidence and independence i'll have a clearer head to make serious calls

Is this what you want, OP? That you police the money for the rest of your married life, dolling out an allowance for him? You having to challenge him all the time, you attempting to guilt him into reasonableness? This is a serious question BTW, because we all have different attitudes to money, and it may be that yours is such that this would be worth it to have the finances run the way you think is right and correct.

If you run the finances as above, personally I think your relationship will wither away. I may be wrong, it may work, but almost everything is against it starting with the premise of marriage being a mutually respectful relationship of two loving adults.

If this is not what you want/think is worth doing, then you need to ask your husband if he thinks his behaviour is something that he feels is justified (to himself, that is) or if he feels it is out of control. IF he feels it is out of control, then ask him if he would like to get help with it. This is something he has to feel a need for, and it has to be his need, not yours. He has to get help from an outside qualified professional, not from his wife.

He is a grown man so should act like one! He shouldn't be relying in his mum to be able to bail him out, he shouldn't be spending £100s on clothes each month when you are paying the mortgage from your savings. He should be taking on that responsibility so you can still have savings! I don't think I could live like that and it'd take a big gesture on his part for me not to kick him out along with all his clothes. Like he could sell the stuff he doesn't wear. He can't buy new stuff until he's gotten rid of the old. He doesn't need a new outfit for everyday and probably won't get the monies worth from each item he buys. Honestly seems like setting fire to his pay every month would be more practical.

lapenguin- you just spoke my thoughts ;)

Great minds and all that ;)

This sounds pretty grim for you, your dh sounds really immature at best and someone with an addiction issue at worst. When we have needed to manage our budget dh and I have both have agreed 'pocket money ' for things we don't need but might want. For dh it was more a way of giving him permission to spend on himself but it should work either way. DH needs to agree a budget and stick to it this isn't about you being a nag.

I don't think assertiveness is quite the same as nagging. I hate the word too.

Nagging is when you repeat a request often. It's a total waste of time, because if someone keeps doing something you have told them you hate and asked them to stop, it probably means they aren't to going to stop. So you may as well proceed on that basis.

With an indulgent mother like his, I imagine that even when you are working you are responsible for all the housework and cooking, OP, or am I wrong?

Does he wear the clothes or does he just like having the clothes? I think he's trying to fill a gigantic void somewhere, and I've heard that people like this often turn to hoarding, it's a mental illness.

It's not a matter of being able to afford it, I spend like a good un when I have money, but it's a question of WHY. If you want to stay with him, I'm afraid you'll have to turn into, not the mother he has, but the mother he needs, giving him pocket money and keeping a tight control over the finances (and, thereby, the entire household). Is that what he's really looking for in a relationship? A 'proper' mummy?

I would find this totally unbearable, OP. It’s no way to live. Unfortunately money really does matter. Once you have kids life gets so expensive.

@user86 My ExH was an obsessive spender, still to this day don't know what the money was spent on tho he'd never tell me. Still 2 years on, he refuses to tell me. He'd get paid on Friday and be skint by the Sunday. "Didn't know where the money had gone" etc. He was a bit silly with money before we got married but no where near to this extent - was just a bit like he was just a teenager who simply didnt understand how to budget. He asked for my help on several occasions, it got thrown back in my face. I stopped helping. He continued to lie about anything and everything so I wouldn't find out. It rapidly went downhill.

The final nail in the coffin was Id gone on holiday (with my parents in the end because oh surprise surprise he suddenly last minute didn't have the money to come as well even thought we'd booked it 8 months prior) and while I was gone for all of 8 days he'd managed to get himself a credit card and rack up thousands on it.

We're in the process of divorce. I'm like you, I am very sensible with money, like to know everything is covered, a tiny little amount in savings etc. I couldn't stand the lies mostly, but also I couldn't be doing with worrying about if it mortgage was going to be paid that month or not. Or If I'd have to sub yet another extremely rare night out for the 2 of us because I didn't wanna sit in 7 nights a week like he did because he 'had no money'.

You say your H is spending on clothes etc but just be careful, because the lies and deceit have already started. Mine started off just not paying his phone bill every other month and look at it now. I'm not saying your H is the same as mine just please - be careful!!!!

following all of your advice i felt emboldened I wasnt crazy and raised it with him. I was very frank. This is something that means im considering getting out. Explained that I wanted to have savings so we could set our children up like our parents had done. That in respecting money i am respecting the work his father did to leave us a cushion, not to spend on clothes but to build on. He was totally p!ssing that up the wall.

I explained im not saying dont spend and dont buy nice things, but asked if he saw that what he was doing was excessive.

ive realised (and he also realised) that hes just majorly immature. His mother has smothered him as shes very controlling, but i have married him because he showed me he was actually quite strong, and wouldnt jump to her tune. I couldnt have married a weak mummys boy. I think he has it in him to mature.

I think he just doesnt have the skills. he said he had been spending again because he thought that 'when we arranged our money and started saving he would then not be able to spend'! even he could see how stupid this was.

I am being careful, he wants an appointment at the bank, and he suggested that if we had bills/ mortgage come out of a shared account leaving an agreed budget for him to spend he would be forced to think more.

it is a pain. youre right, even when i do work i do the household chores. I think i have let him get away with too much. He has a busy job but that doesnt mean it cant be shared a bit

Ive made it clear this is a process of earning trust again, and it has to come from the heart. if he wants to keep spending like that he should find someone who shares that view, and enjoy whatever life they have together. He seems to want to change, so we shall see. until then i have to remain a bit' on it' i think

"he thought that 'when we arranged our money and started saving he would then not be able to spend'! even he could see how stupid this was."

He didnt talk to you about it though, did he? He set out purposefully to hide it from you like a child hurriedly eating all the cake to try and get as much as possible before he was found out. ALL the adult work on this has come from you.When you say "he wants an appointment at the bank", did YOU suggest that and he just agreed to it?

Don't have dc until you can a. trust him with money and b. to do his share of household tasks without you micromanaging him.

It may be that you don't think a 50/50 on housework is a fair division, say, if he works many more hours than you (does he?)

But it sounds like currently you are his mother. And when you become a mother in reality that will become intolerable. Get it right now, before the pattern is engrained.

You need a partner not an overgrown substitute son.