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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's cheating - but won't admit it?

31 replies

TrustIsGone · 13/06/2018 11:42

Hello Mumsnet, please, please give me a bit of a reality check. I am hurting and confused and can't think straight anymore. I have wasted close to a year trying to fix my marriage and understand "a struggle" my husband is going through. I don't even know why I'm doing it anymore, but this needs to end.

Here are the facts:

  • been distant from me and our family life
  • away for work a lot
  • finally dragged out the "I don't feel our life is right, my feelings changed, I don't love you anymore, can't bear spending time alone with you"
  • secretive with phone
  • started going to church (we are not religious?)
  • when I get sad he gets tears in his eyes and just looks at me without comforting me
  • gets verbally aggressive if I remind his he has responsibilities to me and his kids ("What, I'm in prison?!")
  • one of our friends got caught cheating on his wife and he now avoids them like the plague
  • once when we were talking about how much he's struggling about his lack of feelings for me I tried to comfort him by touching his arm and he pulled away and said "not now" (still crying)
  • said he can't be affectionate with me physically or verbally
  • I tried to tell him to leave once and he completely panicked and asked what he's done to deserve that
  • denies any and all kinds of inappropriate contact or interest towards another woman
  • constant push and pull ("I wanna leave"/"I don't wanna leave"). He hasn't left...

I thought we were happy. I adore him and pamper him constantly. I even put our relationship above our kids - I always thought if we are strong and happy, they will be happy always. I take good care of myself, earn more than him, share home workload. I don't understand.
Am I crazy? Are these pointing to cheating? I know the "I don't love you" should be enough to walk away. And yet, I'm still here, waiting for the anger to come.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/06/2018 12:22

I adore him and pamper him constantly.
So you are doing the pick me dance!!?
Not good for your mental health or your self-esteem and really not attractive at all, to the person you are desperately trying to WIN!

I even put our relationship above our kids
WTF!!???
Why????
You need to get some counselling.
Understand yourself better. Why is mere 'man' more important to you than dependent children?
Just wow!!!

For the love of god - kick him out!!!!
I can't understand why you are putting up with this treatment.
He's vile.
He's manipulative.
He's cheating on you and your DC.
And you are enabling it all.

itbemay · 13/06/2018 12:34

I agree with hellsbells get out now

LB2203 · 13/06/2018 12:37

Given all that you've described I'm not sure if it's really relevant whether or not he's cheating.

How does it make you feel when he's constantly alternating between telling you he wants to leave, then doesn't want to leave, then does want to leave?

What was it that made you tell him to leave? And why did it end with him still not leaving? Has anything changed since then?

Ultimately, is this making you happy? It does not sound like it. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?

I cannot think of any reason why you should have to. It's clearly making you miserable, and I can't believe it is doing the children much good to see their parents modelling this kind of relationship as normal.

I'm a bit flummoxed as to what you mean about putting someone who's been treating you pretty cruelly all this time above your children. They're separate people. I'm not sure how pandering to somebody who hurts you is helping to meet their needs? Maybe you mean something different to how it came across, but I hope they haven't been left feeling the way your husband has made you feel.

CardinalCat · 13/06/2018 12:45

Why are you putting this damaged and emotionally unavailable man before your own children? That is madness. Get him out and give your head a wobble.

Viola82 · 13/06/2018 13:03

ignoring the whole 'DH above DC' drama...
I think he had realised he's not fully happy with or without other woman's help.. I think there is a good chance there is someone else, try to find out!
If there is, will you ask him to leave and get a divorce? if that's the case you also need to think about the legal side of things. I'm not saying you should think about it now! but don't ignore that aspect.
I belive it's always worth fighting for marriage if there are kids involved. However, the more you'll try the more he'll be reluctant, so stop trying.. Stop asking, carying, being loving and doing everything he wants. This might just irritate him. Make him jealous, take care of yourself (new hair, clothes?), be confident! you're in the right, you're a great wife and mother and he's an idiot to even thinking of throwing this away!
You'll be fine xx

Thebluedog · 13/06/2018 13:22

You’re not happy, leave him

ijustwannadance · 13/06/2018 13:29

Sounds to me like he's one of those twats who are horrible to you until YOU end it so that it's then all your fault that marriags is over and he gets to swan off with someone else guilt free.

Stop wasting your life and tell him to leave. The faux tears and hurt will stop working and he will get nasty no doubt.

StaySafe · 13/06/2018 13:30

Regardless of the possible infidelity his present behaviour is not acceptable - the volatility makes his attitude even worse because you simply don't know where you are. You need to require him to move out to decide what he wants. He can't inflict this indecision on you day in and day out. He needs to accept responsibility for his feelings and behaviour and not ask you to.

I don't see any problem with the "pampering" or the feeling he is the most important person in our life if he is worthy of that level of respect. One's life partner cannot be denigrated as "merely a man" and in a good relationship will be there long after the children have left home, for now, however, those thoughts are not realistic and you need to stand back a bit and try to be objective. If my DH said he didn't love me anymore we would immediately (hopefully amicably) be making arrangements to separate, I could not live with anyone who did not have feelings for me.

PretABoire · 13/06/2018 13:46

He actually sounds really unhappy. I recognise my pre-anti-depressant behaviour in this. Struggled to connect with DP, sought deeper meaning via religion (despite being staunch atheist), struggled with affection, even when DP was upset it would hurt me emotionally but empathy was often beyond me. I'd stay late at work to avoid my own life, not just DP. In contrast it was me asking to break up and him clinging to the relationship.

It might not be an affair, he could be depressed. Does he ever open up?

SusanDelfino · 13/06/2018 13:56

He's gay .

JuneBalloon · 13/06/2018 13:58

I totally agree with @PretABoire ... BUT he needs to accept responsibility for his feelings and how they are affecting the rest of the family and you will be in limbo (as you are currently) until he does. Ask him to speak to his GP and/or consider marriage guidance (eg: Relate). Easy for me to say, I know, but I would issue and ultimatum - get help or get out being the gist of it (but maybe fluff it up a bit)...

Original poster
TrustIsGone · 13/06/2018 14:18

hellsbellsmelons I was trying to give an insight into my behaviour before he broke the news - I just wanted to clarify I'm not some witch who's been ignoring him or not giving him attention, pushing him to get his fill somewhere else. On the prioritising him over the kids - what I mean is things like keeping our bed as OUR bed and being strict with the kids in respecting that as mommy and daddy's space, making time for time for us as a couple alone, etc... Things are obviously very different now.

You are all right. Of course he's already done enough for this to be over. I'm just scared - and not even sure of what. I am miserable and I see no way this could ever be fixed. How I could forgive/forget all this cruelty, I can't really call it anything else.

OP posts:
mickeymacca · 13/06/2018 14:20

I agree he sounds very depressed

AnyFucker · 13/06/2018 14:21

You put this dickhead before your own children ? Sort yourself the fuck out. Ugh.

MonkeysAndPuzzles1 · 13/06/2018 14:24

He's not in the marriage anymore and hasn't been for some time. It's really hard for both of you but you'll both be happier in time, I think you just need to split up and move on. Sorry.

mydietstartsmonday · 13/06/2018 14:24

You know what to do.
You are not happy and he is not meeting your emotional needs.
He either wants to be in the relationship or not.
He needs to leave and understand the reality of what it means "not to love you anymore"
That in it's self is cruel, he is being cruel.
Take control this marriage is not working for you either.
Good luck

hellsbellsmelons · 13/06/2018 14:25

That makes sense.
ExH and I never shared our bed with LO.
Obviously morning were different but nightime was our bed.
I was only being harsh because you wanted to and need to find your anger.
I was trying to get it to rise to the surface.
But you have other perspectives now that mean it could be depression.
Worth mentioning to him anyway!

Timeisslippingaway · 13/06/2018 14:26

Your putting your relationship with him before your children?
Why are you bending over backwards for someone who is treating you like this? Why are you still together?

yetmorecrap · 13/06/2018 15:40

This may well not be infidelity, could be porn or severe depression etc , whatever it is though OP you can’t put up with this shit

gamerchick · 13/06/2018 15:49

Look you know you can't go on like this, it'll bend your mind.

Tell him he must leave for the minute while he's being so cruel to you to have a think about what he wants

In the meantime you need to work on yourself and work out why you're willing to put up with this shit. Hopefully you'll realise you're well rid of him and keep him gone.

Stop pandering to this, you won't be able to keep it up without cracking.

billyt · 13/06/2018 15:53

Totally agree with AF. Your children ALWAYS have to come first no matter what his problems are.

Depressed or not, your first priority has to be your children.

billyt · 13/06/2018 16:02

I meant his depression, if that is what it is

RestingBitchFaced · 13/06/2018 16:26

SusanDelfino beat me to it - he's gay

Petalflowers · 13/06/2018 16:38

The thing that stands out to me is that he is secretative with the phone and that his habits have changed. Ie. Church. Also, he is withdrawing from you as a family.

Maybe he is depressed hence going to church him to find answers to his questions. Or maybe worried he has cancer/terminal illness, hence withdrawing through worry.

Depression and being gay both seem to,fit the bill.

Are you able to get his.phone and have a snoop? Or go to church with him?

Petalflowers · 13/06/2018 16:39

There’s nothing wrong in making sure you spend time together as a couple.