The beginning- too intense?

[tryingtodateagain]

OLD. Not met in person yet.

When he calls or begins texting in a day - we talk for hours. Literally hours. I'm really enjoying it

BUT this is how my relationship with abusive ex began too.

Today he hasn't actually called/texted yet but it was early hours of the morning when we stopped and he's working so I'm doing that thing where you try to not message them but wondering why he hasn't yet. Allowing it too much headspace

Is this just rediculously unhealthy and something to shut down or do relationships sometimes actually blossom that begin like this?

I think perhaps it's silly having not met in person yet as I'm feeling an emotional attachment that may not exist

Abusive ex talked for hours and it was part of grooming me into becoming codependent on him I think, although I thought it was love at the time

Yes, too intense. Trust your gut instinct

What the he'll do you talk about for so long?

You need to meet up to assess your chemistry together objectively before you become dependent on having an outlet for chatting, confiding thoughts etc with him

Did you do the Freedom programme or anything after your ex? That would be a good place to start. It’s good that you’re questioning things but less good that you’re back in the habits that led to you being suckered in by an arsehole.

Tbh we discovered we had mutual friends and used to go to the same place (a project with a cause) years ago but never knew each other then... so I think a lot is reminiscing and catching up on who we are in contact with but we talk about anything and everything

I did do the freedom programme. I feel like it's the red flags in myself I need to take check of - I'm giving him a lot of headspace today hoping for a bloody call/text

Does in itself talking so much always mean it's heading for disaster? Or has anyone just clicked like that and it's all been fine?

Massive red flags i'm afraid. Exactly how things started with my Ex, who turned out to be emotionally abusive with anger and jealousy issues.

He could call and text me most of the time because he was a taxi driver. I hated being on the phone speaking, he knew that, but insisted and got really angry if I refused to answer.

Run, OP.

Way way WAY over the top and you know it. After having been in an abusive relationship, I would hope you have learned something. Trust your instincts and end it.

Nothing wrong with talking for hours - but I would be very wary of forming an attachment to someone you've never met in person.

It's easy to talk freely online or by text, but real-life chemistry is even more important. Please don't get attached to someone you don't know yet.

I don't agree that it's necessarily a red flag on its own. Of course, it could be, but I don't think you necessarily need to panic. Just arrange to meet sooner rather than later!

There's no insistence or pressure I talk or anything. I'm enjoying talking hence I do.

But obviously there wouldn't be in the beginning anyway regardless if he's lovely or not

What's the red flag? Getting too interested in each other's minds so early? Giving up too much time to each other too early?

Would you really run or just scale back and be busier and less available?

Why haven't you met in person yet?

Haven't you got anything else going on in your life? I do not mean that snarkily

Honestly though - this is far far too much. Why not knock the talking on the head and actually meet up in person?

I don't have childcare tbh but that's partially an excuse - I'd sort it if I wanted to. He's sounded like he was going to ask a few times but nothing has materialised into a concrete plan yet. It's really early days though. I wouldn't expect to meet anyone immediately but since we've talked so much feel like I'm getting emotionally invested too fast

In all honesty @N0rfolkEnchants I've got too much going on with abusive ex that I suppose the attention when I'm not going through a messy complicated divorce that brings drama everyday is appreciated

I do need to find other things to occupy me as a distraction than him though

Chatting for ages before you meet builds an illusion of closeness because you can project your dreams into the gaps between what he is saying. Meet up and see how things go in person.

A healthy relationship should start slowly. I am always wary of people who declare they are head over heels in love very early on. They are usually a bit unhinged in my experience.

If you're not interested in meeting him in person I would just end things now. It's not fair on him and you could end up building a false attachment to someone you realistically know nothing about. You only know what he's decided to show you.

Talking to someone for ages online never goes down well in my experience. He might drive you mad in person, you might not find him physically attractive (pictures can be altered, after all!) or he might have traits or a dress sense or manners that you absolutely cannot stand.

You can hide a lot behind a screen.

We've only been chatting just over a week...

That's what I mean about talking hours. I'd not normally have talked to someone so much or feel any wonder at not getting a text/call all day considering at this stage

No declarations of love lol. We just seemed pretty interested in each other to talk so much

But then a bell went off in my head that this is exactly what happened with abusive ex... Like an intense connection immediately

The gigantic red flag is the huge intensity so early on. Talking for hours every day, all your thoughts consumed by him and when you'll next talk... and you haven't even met in person yet. The fact that he's not applying pressure is irrelevant. It's love bombing (you've pointed out the attention is a nice distraction, and that's overruling your instincts that this isn't normal) and moving way too fast.

I would run. You don't need another abuser in your life.

Just curious, but did you finish the FP? Because this scenario is covered in protecting yourself in the future.

No I didn't finish it. I have the book though - I'll have to re-read it.

Is it love bombing if I'm the one choosing to answer the calls/reply so conversation continues?

I don't really feel like he's doing anything wrong - more like me probably needing to manage my own behaviour

I think you're getting a bit mixed up between coercion and manipulation. In this situation it's not about whether you're forced or not, it's about the consequences and impact. Just because you're not being forced or coerced doesn't mean it isn't problematic or abusive.

You probably are right to some degree that you have your own issues with boundaries as well, but I think that's reflected more in the fact you have noticed that this level of intensity so soon replicates your previous abusive relationship, and your gut is trying to tell you to get away, yet you haven't pulled the plug yet.

I don’t know about red flag but I do think it’s a complete waste of time. I have had guys do this. It’s over enthusiasm. Often you end up not meeting or they say something that puts you off or you do meet and dislike them on sight.

Hey you've posted on my post just now

Me and this guy talk loads and to be honest I'm going to go against the grain here
I too came from a very abusive relationship hence why I wanna take it slow

I think it's nice that you talk lots !
Yes go with your gut but don't let it stop you pushing someone away who might be nice

I do think you should try see each other face to face though, see if there's that connection x

Hey @futurestar

I don't know. I think I'm going to meet in the flesh if he asks

But I think women like us are really susceptible to wanting to be rescued that we can be a bit too forgiving to flaws and flags by hoping all other men will be different. I don't want to pass up a connection if it's really there... but why is it there already? I think it's poor boundary setting probably tbh

I don't know I don't think so
Mine wasn't
Ok so now mine wants a shag on second date lol
Just keep your wits about you
Keep talking, arrange to meet when you can
But all men are asss but when you've had one your always going to be on the look out
Keep talking to friends family and on here
It helps xx

As long as you know that your ideas of each other aren't real, then forewarned is forearmed.

And they are not real - as real as they may seem. Not real at all.

If you think they are real, then ask yourself this: do you really know yourself? This is a projection-infused romance. But it is not reality.