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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

The beginning- too intense?

46 replies

tryingtodateagain · 12/06/2018 17:03

OLD. Not met in person yet.

When he calls or begins texting in a day - we talk for hours. Literally hours. I'm really enjoying it

BUT this is how my relationship with abusive ex began too.

Today he hasn't actually called/texted yet but it was early hours of the morning when we stopped and he's working so I'm doing that thing where you try to not message them but wondering why he hasn't yet. Allowing it too much headspace

Is this just rediculously unhealthy and something to shut down or do relationships sometimes actually blossom that begin like this?

I think perhaps it's silly having not met in person yet as I'm feeling an emotional attachment that may not exist

Abusive ex talked for hours and it was part of grooming me into becoming codependent on him I think, although I thought it was love at the time

OP posts:

Report

HollowTalk · 12/06/2018 20:26

It can be a reality check when you meet them after talking so much and you realise you don't really know them well at all. I think you should meet him asap and move on from there.

AsleepAllDay · 12/06/2018 20:28

Meeting up is key - if you need to plan around then ask up front to set up a time for coffee or drinks and when confirmed try to arrange cc?

The long phone calls and intensity can be comforting at the start but the longer it goes on, the more you build up unreality around yourself & become invested in a fantasy version. That feels comforting and safe but if you really want to date, you have to pull the bandaid off and meet the real man. He could be lovely in person but you have to do it

tryingtodateagain · 12/06/2018 20:30

Thanks all. Decision made. I will broach the subject if/when he calls and get round to it and scale back the communication till I have

OP posts:

jamesk0001 · 12/06/2018 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollowTalk · 12/06/2018 20:57

James, you need your own thread! Sounds like an awful situation for your son.

Dieu · 13/06/2018 15:18

I did with one guy in particular. Before even meeting we would chat for hours on the phone. Then I met him and thought 'no' from the start. There was zero chemistry or attraction on my part. A lovelier guy you couldn't meet - so they definitely aren't necessarily abusive - but just not for me. So all the chatting turned out to be a complete waste of time. There is NO substitute for a real life meet, and I haven't made that mistake again.

AsleepAllDay · 13/06/2018 16:45

@Dieu - me too. Have had too many phone chats result in disappointing meets that I meet up first and use the phone later

adaline · 13/06/2018 17:02

I try not to speak on the phone before the first date - I try to arrange to meet by text if I'm interested, and ideally as soon as possible. I think it's really easy to build a "connection" via phone because you can hear their tone of voice and such, but it's often nothing like meeting them in person.

HollowTalk · 13/06/2018 23:40

I would never meet someone if I hadn't spoken to them on the phone. What if they had a horrible voice? If I wasn't attracted to their voice, I wouldn't be attracted to them at all.

tryingtodateagain · 14/06/2018 01:16

So bizarre- after all that he wasn't sure if it was a good idea to meet.

Now I think there are plans to meet but I'm not quite sure why you'd talk for hours if you had doubts about even meeting up?

There's definitely red flags re boundary issues here aren't there?

OP posts:

AsleepAllDay · 14/06/2018 02:20

I think it depends on the person and maybe even the age group involved - I'm younger and communicating over text is more common, I've scared off men by asking to talk on the phone before

Whereas older friends use it as a screening tool

pissedonatrain · 14/06/2018 06:11

It's usually a bad idea as you both build a false sense of knowing each other, when you really don't yet.

love bombing is done by abusers and narcissists and con artists but like others have mentioned you could meet and have zero chemistry...you don't like their smell, they have odd mannerisms, etc.

I was in this online only club since the late 90s and one of the members lived in the same city so after like 5 years of being in this club we decided to meet up in person for lunch; not even anything romantic at all just friends. After meeting him in person, I really didn't like him in person but liked his online persona lol. We're still friends online though.

My estranged H is in an online relationship with someone he's never met. They declared true love after a week of chatting. He lied and said he was separated from me. When I found out, I kicked him right out!

So they had this big plan to meet this month on their 1 year "anniversary" and guess what, still hasn't happened. Now it is December supposedly. I'm having the last laugh for my idiot H giving up his real life marriage for some fantasy with an online overseas scammer who they still haven't met!

The point of my long ramble. Talk on the phone a couple of times or Skype and then make arrangements to meet within a week or two. Anything else is a waste of time.

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/06/2018 06:25

Oh gosh he sounds like red flag bunting.. not a good idea to meet? Why? What’s missing in his life that he needs 24/7 emotional support from a stranger?

swingofthings · 14/06/2018 06:36

It worked for me! It started 'intensely' because the minute we read each other's profile and talked, we knew we would, at least, get along brilliantly as friends. We send each other's long emails from the start and talked on the phone for at least an hour every few days. Texted daily if I remember correctly.

The difference is that he asked to meet up right away. Due to circumstances, it didn't happen for a couple of weeks. I was anxious about it as didn't like his picture. As it is, the moment I saw you I found him attractive. We had a great time and I fell in love there and then and as it happened so did he. I emailed a friend and said I'd found the man I would marry.

A month later we were a couple, declaring our love, going away together and it felt like we'd always known each other. We talked of moving in together 3 months after we met, however, we know we needed to slow down a bit at this time, so it took almost a year. 3 years later, we were married and we've just celebrated our 10 years together!

The irony is that he isn't, and nor am I, impulsive people at all, on the opposite. This intense and quick relationship was totally out of character, but it happened because somehow, both of us just knew it was right.

My advice is: be yourself. Don't scale down because you feel it should. What you need to do is accept that you can only control your own feelings and wishes. His might be the same than yours, but maybe it suddenly won't. Then there are all the circumstances that get in the way. The first months of an intense relationship are scary because you keep expecting something to get in the way, and often it does, but sometimes you get lucky.

My attitude was, it felt good, so I was going to enjoy it and if it went wrong and I got hurt, at least I'd had moments of pure happiness.

Theusual · 14/06/2018 06:39

Why doesn’t he want to meet?! He could be a complete time waster op so I would back off op and see what happens.

cricketmum84 · 14/06/2018 06:43

Me and DH started like this :) we were set up on a blind date and in the week before the date were texting constantly.
There were no ulterior motives, no manipulation, no red flags. We fell in love pretty fast and been together 10 years now.
The amount we had spoken over text made the blind date less nerve wracking as we already knew a lot about each other.
I say meet him and see what he is like in person, but make sure you tell someone where you are going and who you are meeting (sorry the mum in me comes out sometimes lol)

Namechanger1404 · 14/06/2018 07:03

Hi OP I spoke to a guy for 6 weeks before we met (very green OLD) and I had invested emotionally. Loved his voice, things he said, yes I was falling for him. When we met, there was NO physical attraction whatsoever. I was very confused. It didn’t last, he was a bit of a loony

My advice is to meet ASAP even for a coffee. You sound far too invested in someone you’ve not met.

NigellaWannabe1 · 14/06/2018 07:50

I don't think this level of intensity is necessarily a wrong sign - it simply mean she you have great online chemistry and that's got to be a good thing! However, as other posters have said, online chemistry doesn't always translate into real- life chemistry. This actually happens quite often, so it's imperative that you meet asap. Otherwise, the intensity will grow and the disappointment (and awkwardness) will be huge.

NigellaWannabe1 · 14/06/2018 07:51

If it doesn't work in real life, that is.

AsleepAllDay · 14/06/2018 08:32

Meet! You sound local enough. Meet up and start in the real world then go from there.

FinallyHere · 14/06/2018 10:55

Nothing wrong with talking for hours - but I would be very wary of forming an attachment to someone you've never met in person.

As adaline posted, ^ this

I think I'm going to meet in the flesh if he asks

@tryingtodateagain you sound very passive in this relationship, Sleeping beauty waiting for her prince to rescue her comes to mind. If you are interested in him, why would you not suggest meeting up, in a public place, just for a coffee. Arrange for a friend to call you within ten minutes of the meet time, so that if it is horrible you can rush away. Again, make sure you have a cut off point where you have to leave, so you can think about your impressions (or at least, report back here) rather than be swept up in someone else's story again.

For all you know, it could be anyone stringing you along...

Flip

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