Wife yelling at me regularly

[LayOfTheLand]

I am really bothered by this problem I am having with my wife. Recently, I have noticed that she yells at me a lot. It's generally around household management. I work from home, and therefore I do most of the housework. I don't think I'm perfect, but I also don't think that yelling is the solution. If I try to explain why shouting isn't good, she will resort to why what I did was so bad. It ranges from leaving a mess to buying the wrong ingredients at the supermarket.

I don't like shouting matches (I grew up in a shouty house), and it upsets for quite a while. I don't mind improving the way I do things around the house, but the regularity of it to the level of threat (divorce is threatened, off the cuff, a lot). Last night, I was writing a work email a bit later than I expected, and she screamed "if you don't come to bed now, I'll divorce you".

Does anyone have any advice? I'm considering suggesting couple counselling.

My first husband was just like this. At first he was lovely, but once we were married (and I was trapped) he changed into someone I could never please and who would scream at me over the most trivial of things. He was also physically abusive. After years of marriage I was a cowed shell of my former self.

When I finally stopped paying all the bills, mortgage etc and told him I was leaving him ( he had no job, we had no kids, I had paid for everything during our marriage) he tried to first poison me then when that failed, beat me up.

I left, and divorced him.

Don't do what I did and stay, hoping it will get better if you can just find the right things to do. It won't.

Layoftheland, I'm in no position to give advice on this particular issue but I just wanted to offer some support...I saw the title of your post so I read your comments and I just want to say that ... I know how demoralising it feels to be yelled at. I know that sinking feeling in the stomach when you hope you've done things 'right' & I know what it's like to want to save a marriage that others are urging you to abandon ... my way of coping since posting here is not accepting it. I've only tried it twice. So basically every time he says or does something inappropriate or aggressive, I'm going to say STOP calmly or leave the room ... I'm not sure where that'll lead but I think it'll make me & my husband more aware of the extent of things. I think a blurring can happen where the person doing the yelling etc seems to 'forget' how they behave ... we'll see ... the best of luck to you and I hope the best happens for you.

LayOfTheLand

You are still disbelieving to some extent that this is indeed happening to you. Denial is also a powerful force. I reckon too that outside of this thread no-one you personally know is aware that your wife abuses you. I would urge you to speak up and asap because abuse like you describe can and does thrive on secrecy.

I think you will separate ultimately, she could well put you in hospital beforehand though. I would not put it past her to do that to you or become even more physically violent now given that you are still there. The verbal abuse towards you will certainly continue unabated and she will not listen to your entreaties.

Do you not realise that men are abused as well in relationships, abuse is no respecter of persons and does not discriminate across classes or creeds. The fault here lies with her, this is all on her.

I would think she can and does control herself when she is around people in the outside world so OPs wife does not have an anger management problem. Also anger management courses are no answer for domestic violence, they really are not.

She is like this towards LayOfTheLand because she can. There is NO justification for her abuses of him and this is an abusive relationship no two ways about it.

You grew up yourself in a shouty household so it is of no great surprise that you are in a relationship with such a person now. This is still "normal" to you to some extent, an extension perhaps of what you already know and learnt about relationships when you were growing up. I imagine too that this is learnt behaviour on her part and something she herself saw in her own childhood from her parents.

"I've witnessed a few incidents with her siblings where they argue over silly things and become very stubborn, which I find weird".

You find it weird because it is not normal behaviour seen in emotionally healthy families. What you describe above is a red flag and symptomatic of a family of origin which are dysfunctional and one who cannot solve conflict healthily.

I would also think she has no medical problems associated with her thyroid gland either. Again there is NO justification for her abuses of you, she is not acting like this to other people and it is you alone who is copping her abuse.

There is an organisation called BAM British anger management or similar that does v good anger management courses. I know, because I went on one, as I was shouting and verbally abusive to my DP.

It did help a lot. There were 16 men in the courses and 4 women.

I did a 4 day intensive. Pm me if you like

You cannot communicate with someone who is shouting. Tell her you will not stand there if she shouts and when she does, walk away, out of the room/house and say you'll discuss whatever in a respectful and adult way only. And stick to that.

It's like only her feelings matter in this relationship. I've been with my husband for 20 years...he's not seen me squabbling with my siblings.

We've passed the age of squabbling. That's not to say we don't have different opinions.

I have similar issues with my DW, things must be done her way, she describes herself as a control freak but instead of getting shouty she gets huffy, makes sniping comments and re-does things I've done prerfectly well but making a massive point of how it should be done.

You have to be clear, if you buy the wrong thing she didn't specify correctly what or she needs to get it herself. Classic example I had was lettuce on the shopping list, so I bought an iceberg lettuce. It turned out that was supposed to be a bag of ready washed salad leaves and "how could I possible think she wanted a lettuce" I will no longer buy shampoo as whatever I buy is wrong and she won't give me a brand and/or type. I'm sure that is simply a trap, last time she put shampoo on the list, over a year ago now, I said what sort? She said whatever you thnk, so I got a value brand and told her that it was bound to be wrong so it might as well be cheap too! I sit with her while we write the list together and get ther to be detailed about anything which isn't a regular buy.

You need to stand up for yourself, when she does or says hurtful things stay calm but do not comply with her demands, just let her know that approach is not going to work. For example if she says she's going to divorce you if you don't come to bed tell her you'd rather sleep on the sofa than share a bed with someone making threats like that.

Good luck OP much can be done to improve things, I know we have worked hard to do so, but whether it will be enough to see us into growing old together has yet to be seen.

Why do you love her when she treats you like this? Seriously, why? Is your self worth that low? I would insist she come with you for counselling, or leave her. You need to lay down some boundaries. If you don't respect yourself, she won't respect you either.

Counselling is a good idea for you, OP. It would give you the space to work through what is happening to you, and what you want out of life, and find boundaries for yourself, under your own terms. However, you do need to recognise that the solution to this particular situation lies with your wife - not you.

At route, I believe that people abuse and bully others because they think they have a right to do so. It is a behaviour that the perpetrator needs to fully own in order to change. For many, many people, physical abuse in particular is a line they would never cross, including under circumstances exponentially more stressful that your wife is under, or has even been under. You and your wife need to understand her abuse of you as being entirely due to her own failure.

It is good you raised this, but this is now your wife's matter to tackle- this is her chance to change. Honestly, I daresay there are ways you could be a better person too (couldn't we all) but this isn't about you. Take care of yourself