Wife yelling at me regularly

[LayOfTheLand]

I am really bothered by this problem I am having with my wife. Recently, I have noticed that she yells at me a lot. It's generally around household management. I work from home, and therefore I do most of the housework. I don't think I'm perfect, but I also don't think that yelling is the solution. If I try to explain why shouting isn't good, she will resort to why what I did was so bad. It ranges from leaving a mess to buying the wrong ingredients at the supermarket.

I don't like shouting matches (I grew up in a shouty house), and it upsets for quite a while. I don't mind improving the way I do things around the house, but the regularity of it to the level of threat (divorce is threatened, off the cuff, a lot). Last night, I was writing a work email a bit later than I expected, and she screamed "if you don't come to bed now, I'll divorce you".

Does anyone have any advice? I'm considering suggesting couple counselling.

And seriously UnlikelyAstronaut, projecting a tad perhaps? What has their respective jobs got to do with anything? Have a fucking word with yourself. She could be a fetal heart surgery and he could be an arms dealer. That wouldn’t excuse her physical violence and constant verbal abuse. Nothing does.

Your self esteem and confidence will disappear unless you take a stand.

Find your voice and stop allowing her to shout at you.

My Ex SIL would throw out divorce...till my brother one day (after a few years) said yes...let's get divorced. She could not believe it. He's never looked back...except for thinking he should have done it sooner.

Just because you work from home doesnt mean you do all the housework. You're working...not dossing from home.

Next time she says divorce..say .."Perhaps a separation would give us space to think"

She has the power in your marriage and you need to balance things.

Please tell a mate or someone in your family, you need real life support.as people have said she will slowly destroy you, and when you are broken I expect she’ll dump you. I suggest you stop having sex with her as if she gets pregnant you will never escape. Ask yourself do you want to have children and for them to watch this ?

My mother was just like your wife, all of her children had severe emotional problems, and I’m angry my father failed to protect us.

Oh OP.
I echo everyone on this thread and strongly suggest having counselling/therapy on your own.

You are far, far too nice and have lost touch with what a healthy relationship should be like.
Arguments are normal, but this has long crossed the line to abuse and nothing you can improve around the house would change anything.

I‘m a terribly messy person, does that mean my dh can shout at me?
We are both human, with flaws, but we respect each other.
Her respect for you is gone.

I‘d have packed a bag and left after the hitting. Did she ever say sorry? Is there any hint of her realisin what she is doing is wrong?
I guess not.

Don‘t waste your life and don‘t have children with her. She certainly needs help but to me your relationship sounds over.

My two pennies worth OP is that she does NOT love you. She despises you. I am so sorry.

You say you love her, but it doesn't sound as though she loves you. Is she trying to drive you away? I would suggest you call her bluff, pack a bag and tell her you are going away for a few days to give you both a chance to cool down. You may or may not come back, depending on how she reacts, but this behaviour has got to stop.

Read the entire thread.
You say you don't want a divorce.

Can you hire a housekeeper to do the bulk of the work and you would just clean up after yourself?

Is she willing to sit down and have a talk with you when neither one of you are in a hurry or stressed? Discuss specific expectations for you both about the house and food. Take notes and put all the details for you both into a notebook where both of you can review until you both learn the needs of each other. Explain to her that you don't want to be screamed at and you want her to stop.

Are you being passive aggressive towards her? When she asked you to put the directions into the navigation, why didn't you just do it then?

You said she went around the roundabout 4 or 5 times and in the time you still didn't do it. Why?

I've been on both sides of this coin. I lived with someone who had very high standards of cleanliness about the house and the way I dressed. I was very very young too. He's come home and scream and rage at me for hours as the house wasn't cleaned up properly. At first I tried to please him but it was never good enough so I did become passive aggressive and did stuff or didn't do stuff just to annoy him. Yes, it was wrong but I was 19 and was far too young to be living with someone anyway.

Then I married someone who turned out to be very passive aggressive. Say we were having a dinner party on the weekend and I would be up early Saturday cleaning and then about noon he would get up right when I was nearly done and tired and Ii had left one room for him to do; just one and instead of doing that room he went outside and was messing around with the lock on the gate for about 2 hours and I was getting ticked off. So I started on the one room I had left for him to do and I left the floors for him and decided I was done for the day. So he comes back in and sees me watching the tele and has the nerve to say aren't you going to do anything. It's not fair for me to be doing all the cleaning while you sit there watching tv doing nothing! Yeah. He was just pushing me to get me to be fed up and yell at him so he could say I was so so mean.

I've been reading the thread and replies. I don't want to give up on our marriage yet. Last night I was able to explain how I found her shouting abusive and it wasn't acceptable. She was very upset, and she explained how she sees things. She knows she is particular, and when something isn't done the way she likes, it feels as if I'm saying "f**k you!" to her. That I don't care about her feelings.

We already have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight, so the house is never that messy, or not messy that ten minutes can't sort out a room or whatever.

She is working too hard and her boss recognises it (he told me last week at a work function). I do plan to start setting boundaries. My wife does love me, but she is too used to getting her own way. It's going to be tough, but I want to stick at it for now.

Op please ignore any comments that say you are to blame, this is exactly what your wife wants to think.

I think I can be sometimes to blame. Sometimes I am a bit messy, sometimes I don`t take as much care on domestic activities as I could. My wife is not happy right now, but I think our marriage is saveable, or I certainly hope it is.

My wife is not happy right now
Why not? What is she unhappy about?
So has she accepted that she is abusive and wants to change to save your marriage?
Has she suggested that SHE get some counselling to understand why she is doing this to you?
Is she accountable for all of her actions?

'a bit messy' does not warrant abuse.
NOTHING DOES!
I don't think you are understanding the gravity of your situation!

So basically she wants everything done her own way.

Seriously? Folding the laundry wrong? I could understand if you were doing nothing at all around the house but you are doing it, it's just not the way she wants it done. She either needs to do it herself or learn to compromise.

I'm still saying LTB as I would to anyone who experiences violence but you clearly do not want to.

Oh , OP, please think about leaving this abusive relationship. She hit you too? It can only keep going downhill. You can be so much happier, although it's horrible to go through divorce you can't keep on like this.

She knows she is particular, and when something isn't done the way she likes, it feels as if I'm saying "f**k you!" to her. That I don't care about her feelings.

Well, that says it all. She has an enormous sense of self-entitlement. Marriage requires compromise -- on both sides. Of course you should care about her rational feelings, but that's totally irrational. If there is a real reason for doing something a particular way, that's one thing but this sounds like industrial-grade control-freakery.

At the moment it's her game and her rules, so I'd refuse to play it.

OP, her reasons (excuses) for shouting are not justified. It's not a normal reaction. If you hadn't done something the way she wants, why couldn't she have told you in a normal tone of voice? Her reactions seem all out pf proportion to your "offenses". Her disappointment doesn not give her the right to abuse you.

She is verbally and physically abusing you. Probably emotionally, too.

And she's not listening to you when you tell her how it makes you feel. Has she ever apologised? How long before she's hitting you regularly? And justifying it with " But you made me do it (by upsetting me)." Cos that's basically what she's saying about the shouting, now.

She is an abuser. Please get some help!

At least have a talk with www.mankind.org.uk/

J.

From your op it sounds like your wife's behaviour is recent, Lay?
I may be wide of the mark here but bear with me - is she losing weight
but eating normally or eating more, quite agitated or rushed?

If she any of those things it could be a thyroid hormone problem -
overactive (hyperthyroidism)

I’m sorry but she does n’t love you. Ask yourself if your best friend or son, if you had one, was in this relationship, how would you feel ? Would you encourage them to stay or go ?

There's a lot going on here Layoftheland. Stop fretting over housework. The hysteria over housework is a symptom of her emotional problems, not a cause. You could have a cleaner in 7 days a week and twice on Fridays and she would still find something to explode over. Leave the laundry and explain that as you can't do it to her satisfaction then it's better if she does it herself. Heaven help you if you had children. Children are messy, difficult and unpredictable - she would eventually spontaneously combust but would seriously damage them in the process.

She has anger management problems. She needs to recognise that and she needs to get help if she wants to save your relationship. Her boss has spoken to you about her overworking (not something bosses are usually concerned about!). She is self-sabotaging; overworking, getting stressed over over-working, taking out her stress on you and threatening divorce. It's very self-destructive and could stem from her own self-loathing. Those with the most 'front' are often those with the least self-confidence.

There's a theory in certain counselling approaches that anger is a symptom of unresolved pain. There is merit in this but then there are people who are just plain spoiled and entitled. Are there issues from her past that have not been addressed or resolved? It's interesting that her parents commented about you being easy going. Is her family very volatile?

From your reactions you appear to be enabling her behaviour. She would not talk to friends or colleagues in the way she speaks to you so don't let her. Set boundaries and be firm. Remember 'we teach others how to treat us'. Saying this to myself has really helped me address issues with others in my life. You need to spell it out that you treat each other with respect or you have no basis for a relationship, and not folding laundry 'properly' is not being disrespectful. You simply have different views on such things and neither one is right or wrong (she could just as easily be accused of disrespecting you by criticising how you do things).

Stress to her that threatening divorce is inappropriate and unless she really wants a divorce she should not use that threat again. Be firm - she will respect you more for it. She needs to understand she's not the boss of you.

That she has started hitting you is a huge red flag. The incident you describe shows she was out of control, lashing out at you and endangering others. She must realise this is not normal behaviour. If she says you made her do it, then be firm but calm and say 'No love, this is about you not me. Your actions were completely out of proportion, you were out of control."

You say you love her and you want to make this work, well good luck to you, but if she refuses to accept that she, not you, is the problem and refuses to seek counselling for her anger issues then I fear you are just kicking the inevitable can of separation down the road.

It's clear that neither of you are ready to acknowledge that she has a problem and needs help.

I do recognise that she has a problem, and I have told her that her behaviour feels abusive. It's just that I do want to see if we can salvage our marriage.

I agree wholeheartedly that I have to set firmer boundaries, and calmly say when I think something is unacceptable. Which will take discipline on my part.

@ThePeasantsAreAtTheGates, I don't think her family are especially volatile. I've witnessed a few incidents with her siblings where they argue over silly things and become very stubborn, which I find weird.

However, there is a lot of good advice in your post. Thanks

But you haven't said anything about taking action in relation to her problem. She has explained what she feels but you haven't had a conversation about why her responses are so over the top as to be endangering both of your lives. Honestly, it's great that you're working on your marriage but she has personal work that she needs to do - whether that is personal counselling, an anger management course, antidepressants, treatment for stress... None of that is working on the marriage per se but all of it would probably help your marriage more than anything you can personally do, if the problem is stemming from personal issues that she has.

I sense that she needs to look at why everything has to be absolutely perfect at home. Is it because she feels out of control. It feels like she is trying to avoid something by focusing on perfection within the home. Her over the top responses would make me think this isn't really about you or the marriage or the home.

I am not offering an armchair diagnosis (to just get that out of the way up front).

They way support threads work is for people to read and then offer suggestions to consider. Something that may not have crossed the OP’s mind. Such as the excellent suggestion from pink concerning thyroid function.

The black and white thinking (housework), the her way or the highway (threat of divorce), the power plays (threat of divorce), the expecting LayOfTheLand to operate off of her brain (set navigation now, bed-now, housework-not that way), the interpretation that any criticism is yelling at her (imply saying f* you), and the rage (physical assault in a moving car)....imho, may all point to narcissism.

It is another thing you can read up on: Please google “is my partner a narcissist”; here is one title from Paychology Today:
Is Your Partner a Narcissist? Here Are 50 Ways to Tell (sorry can not do the link on the phone)

Once again, this is not about the housework. Housework is a stick she is using to beat you with...and housework is never-ending so it is the gift that keeps on giving. The housework keeps you subordinate. Keeping you subordinate is her ego supply (or narcissistic supply). And your house isn’t even messy- she has you on an infinity loop tying yourself in knots to please her. Just stop it.

She is not your parent, you do not need her approval. At this point you don’t need your parents approval either. The compliments the other day were nice to hear: was that like a pea sized ointment on the gaping wounds of your emotional state? Someone finally saw you. This shows you your wife doesn’t see you- that is you invisible.

You made a decision with your very own brain to follow road signs instead of using sat-nav. Nope, not acceptable, that did not have her approval, that was not her idea. Trigger the rage and you were literally beaten back into your box. That kind of invisible will mess up your mental health. Very insidious. Very difficult to recover from (think years).

Why does she work so hard at work? Is she tweaking the work of others after hours? Is she driven to be indispensable, to be the office savior-nothing would be done right if it weren’t for her?

Save yourself. Leave her to it.
There are worse things than being alone, and being in a relationship with someone like this is one of them.

And seriously- boundaries.
The boundary of not tolerating her shouting at you is very important. But that is peanuts.
The essential, zero tolerance, DEFCON ONE boundaries are no kids with her and no driving with her...forever.

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR HER BEHAVIOUR!
(Sorry for shouting!)

This doesn't sound salvageable to me, especially as she has tried to justify physical abuse (the verbal abuse alone isn't acceptable, never mind physical!), but could I suggest you spell out consequences for her behaviour?

You could tell her (in a "quiet" moment) that if she shouts at you again you will leave the house for a night and stay in a hotel or b&b (hopefully that would be possible for you). She may get angry at being told this, in which case you need to leave for the night there and then. Certainly the next time she shouts at you, then follow through and get out overnight. When she sees you are serious, perhaps she may learn something (though I doubt it).

As someone said above, if you don't change your behaviour, you can't expect to see a change in hers.

If she wants something doing in a particular way then she should do it herself it's that simple. However I really dont think it is about her getting her own way, but much more about her controlling you and you being her subordinate. Once you fold the laundry the right way it will be something else that you do wrong in her eyes. This will never stop. She may say that she loves you but she doesn't show You, unless shouting and hitting someone is a show of love in her eyes.

She can make all the excuses she likes but nothing excuses abuse. I hope you find the strength to walk away because she is not going to change.