Wife yelling at me regularly

[LayOfTheLand]

I am really bothered by this problem I am having with my wife. Recently, I have noticed that she yells at me a lot. It's generally around household management. I work from home, and therefore I do most of the housework. I don't think I'm perfect, but I also don't think that yelling is the solution. If I try to explain why shouting isn't good, she will resort to why what I did was so bad. It ranges from leaving a mess to buying the wrong ingredients at the supermarket.

I don't like shouting matches (I grew up in a shouty house), and it upsets for quite a while. I don't mind improving the way I do things around the house, but the regularity of it to the level of threat (divorce is threatened, off the cuff, a lot). Last night, I was writing a work email a bit later than I expected, and she screamed "if you don't come to bed now, I'll divorce you".

Does anyone have any advice? I'm considering suggesting couple counselling.

It does sound like my situation a bit.
Controlling people don't take everything on day one, they do it gradually by stealth and will never give up any control. With my ex, she was a very reasonable person except when she didn't get 100% of what she wanted. She wouldn't consider my point of view if it differed from hers preferring to threaten divorce. She was prone to extremely angry outbursts over seemingly trivial things and then sulking about it. A lot of the time I didn't know what I had done wrong to the extent where I felt guilty most of the time. She also hit me a few times over the years but as I am a big guy she couldn't really hurt me. I did point out that she would probably call the police if I did the same to her. 'You make me behave like this' was often her excuse.

The point of all this is that you can't change someone else who behaves like this. If she is as unreasonable as it seems, she won't even think that she is doing anything wrong. It will all be your fault.

After we separated, to my surprise, the text and email messages continued and I eventually went to the police. That did make her think and stopped things most of the time. Four years on and things have calmed down - my kids are adults or soon to be and as I said I am much happier. You will have to make a decision as to when you stop trying - in retrospect I should have done something much sooner than I did, but with kids breaking up to me was inconcievable.

Sounds like one aspect of my exh so I agree it sounds a horrible way to live!

Layofthland

You said that she works 'long hours' and wants everything perfect. I used to work 9 hours and then have two hour commutes there and back.
I would get in and the house would be a tip, but I never shouted or hit my partner.
But now you said that she has stopped the car in a dangerous place twice!
And then takes it out on you?
Sounds like she HATES the fact that you love her so MUCH!
Withdraw your affection, don't do what she wants and run off for a few days/weeks.
She needs to 'miss you'.
Never worth loving someone who doesn't match your level of affection.
She doesn't seem worth it and SHE KNOWS IT!

She sounds horrendous, I'd get out now. No one deserves to be shouted at instead of spoken to.

Ah OP it's too late. Once the contempt ramps up into physical abuse (that incident in the car is very chilling) its just going to escalate. What will it take before you realise she won't change? A knife? A pan across the head? A kick in the face because you've disturbed her?

This.is not.going.to improve.for.you please get some help to leave.

You say she doesn't understand that it is inappropriate but also say she wouldn't do it to a colleague! So she does understand, she just doesn't respect you and your feelings enough not to communicate in a threatening manner to you very very regularly. It is not acceptable. If she wants her towels folded a particular way so much she thinks it's appropriate to shout at you for not doing it HER way then a) she should fold her own dumb towels and b) you should end this relationship. There is no affection in her screeching "Come to bed or I'll divorce you", no love. I'm sorry that you cannot see at the minute that this is a very damaging and defective relationship. Please think what you would be saying to a close family member/friend if they confided this to you.

@LayOfTheLand
That situation in the car!!! How crazy of her! She put both your lives and others in danger because of her neurotic behaviour over SatNav directions. The fact that’s she’s now started hitting you and is trying to justify it (which all people like this do...) is a very worrying sign.

She has some deep rooted issues from the sounds of it and just ‘talking/discussing’ things with her isn’t going to work. She might ‘behave’ for a while but it’ll start up again!

Lets fast forward your life for a moment...Could you IMAGINE your retirement with this person?
( I asked myself this question while I was in an abusive relationship and it helped me to start putting things into perspective )
Day in and day out, 24/7, with her crazy behaviour? You’ll end up a shell of a person! Is that the person you really want to spend the rest of your life with? I agree with other posters, she’s abusive and you should leave.

The driving thing is awful awful behaviour from her. Stopping in the roundabout like that

I don't see why she didn't set the sat nav herself before starting off if she was that bothered. Tbh I'd have wanted it on before starting too but wouldn't have done something dangerous to get my way. Any reason why you didn't set it intially as I would usually say the driver should get to choose about this? In no way justifying her behaviour though.

I do feel I have to point out that you shouldn't touch the wheel when someone else is driving though as that can be really dangerous too.

You love her???

Why?

I understand that. I want to also show things from her perspective. She sees me as lazy around the house. I don't always fold the laundry as well as she would, and I can be a bit messy. I'm not some perfectly tidy person.

Control Freak - control = freak

Her abusiveness is an underlying symptom of the ‘ real ‘ problem.

She has zero respect for you, always will, things won’t change because she’s a selfish nutter !!!!

The question is do you keep letting her treat you like an arse wipe !?

If you love her and want to try and improve your relationship you need to understand her anger, where it is coming from and why its directed at you. I was told that frustration/anger comes from an unmet emotional need (I am sometimes the angry woman, but I have a controlling and emotionally detached STBXH). If you can identify the cause you can try and work to improve things if you want to. At least then you can reconcile with yourself that you tried to understand her, before taking the step of ending the relationship. Give yourself a time limit though, so if there is no improvement you can plan ahead for a new and happier life which you deserve. Doesn't everyone want to be loved back? I've wasted too many years trying to change my marriage. Get that self esteem back and look after you.

Op what would you say to a friend that told you that this was what happened in their home behind closed doors? That they had to walk on egg shells and were physically hit, shouted at and worried about simple things like how towels were folded because of their 'D'P's reaction to whether these things were carried out to their standard?

The car incident... Her hitting you and being that aggressive and out of control towards you is unforgivable and disgusting behaviour. The fact that she also endangered complete strangers on the road, just to prove a point to you of just how much she is in charge and has to have her own way is another level.

I get that you love her, no one expects anyone to switch off feelings overnight. This doesn't mean you should be together though. Sometimes love isn't enough and definitely never justifies someone abusing you. Unfortunately she will treat you how you let her and only you can change that. She doesn't seem to treat anyone else the way she treats you, so it's not a problem that she has no control over and needs help for. Its a problem with you, and you need to help yourself by walking away and finding someone who treats you with the love and respect you deserve.

I mean this gently but please, please, find the strength to walk now before this escalates further and there is no coming back.

Also if she wants a 'perfectly tidy person around the house' then I suggest that she employs a cleaner.

I am glad you love her - but puzzled. She doesn't sound at all loveable to me!

Thing is op, if you are the one folding the sheets, you do it your way

If you are cleaning the house or loading the dishwasher you do it your way. If she wants it done her way she can do it.

She is a control freak and that will never, ever change.

Many years ago i had a girl friend. 1st time she slapped me i was surprised but It didnt hurt and I wasnt so bothered. 2nd and 3rd times i saw it coming so she didnt make contact. 4th time was a punch. 5th time i stopped the punch so she kicked me in the shin as hard as she could with a pointed shoe and if fecking hurt and i have a small scar. Thats the point i left. If she has hit you once, it is very lieky to escalate.

Oh and it will always be your fault, you made her so it....

If you cant bring yourself to leave now, next time move out for a week or two then maybe she will realise her actions have consequences as right now they dont

@LayOfTheLand

You are now doing something that I used to do. Excusing my partners behaviour by laying fault with my ownself. You are now minimising her behaviour and deflecting blame for her ridiculous behaviour onto yourself.

Ideally should she just be pleased (I’m not saying she needs to kneel before you and express endless gratitude) that you’ve bothered folding the washing at all? No, because she’s abusive she’s going to nitpick at how you’ve done it.

You picked up the wrong bit of pork? So what! I’m sure dinner wasn’t ultimately ruined. But no she’s abusive and now she has another reason to shout at you.

You were more than happy to put the SatNav directions in whilst you were pootling off on your journey. But no, god forbid you are doing something YOUR way! No that’s really terrible you are doing something YOUR way so she’s going to have a strop and she’s going to physically hit you and drive like a mental looney to scare you shitless.

I find nothing in your posts that warrants her behaviour towards you. In all honesty she sounds like my ex. I couldn’t do anything right. Folding his washing included and he used to drive like a dangerous twat to scare me. He’d sing my praises in front of other people and then screw at me when we got home! You are in an abusive relationship.

Ps, I’ve got a mountain of washing here to fold. I wouldn’t care how you folded it. I’d be damn pleased you’d bothered to do it. That’s because I’m not abusive.

Could she be suffering from anxiety? It makes a lot of people rage.

There's nothing wrong with the way you So if laundry. If she doesn't like it she should do it herself.

You do need to get out. At least a separation while she undergoes counselling. If she shows no sign of accepting that she's the one in the wrong then make the separation permanent.

She sounds unbalanced (not to diminish that domestic violence is unacceptable in any circumstances). I don't know that talking will do any good if she isn't mentally in a place to change. She sounds erratic and volatile to the point that she can't keep herself safe. That is mental illness and her GP needs to hear about it.

As other people have said:
You really need t talk to your wife and make her 'hear' how you are feeling. Sometimes we don't always recognise certain traits that we may have and I think this is the case with your wife.
If she respects and loves you then she will want to stop you feeling this way. I wish you good luck. A home should be a happy, safe place not somewhere where you feel you are waking on eggshells

She's jealous of you.
She doesn't want to work 12 hour days.
She wants to work from home and go on international jaunts. Like you.
What is her job and how old are you both?
Do you both want kids and if so have you discussed when?
Who is the higher earner?
I expect it is you op.

Walk away from her when she yells and say you'll be ready to TALK when she calms down.

On my! Your updates leave me cold. You touching the steeering wheel does not equal giving her carte Blanche to HIT you...can't you see that? And btw, my husband works gruelling 12 hour shifts, very physical, and if I haven't done something that day he either leaves it because he's knackered too or, if it's something that matters to HIM, he'll do it. Your relationship does not sound equal at all. It sounds so sad actually. Life is too short for this. I sincerely hope you are starting to see you have been indoctrinated into excusing her appalling behaviour. Btw, I have never shouted at my husband or hit him; I love him, respect him and care about him so why would I?

Dis you post about this the other day OP? The ingredients thing is very familiar. And if so you were given the same advice last time. It’s not normal, it’s not healthy, she doesn’t love you to treat you like this and you need to leave.

I’m disgusted by the usual bull shit attempts at excuses for abuse in relationships by women. Who the fuck cares who earns what, whether or not she’s got anxiety, how long her day is?!!!! She’s lashing out, verbally and physically and it doesn’t matter what the reasons she feels this is appropriate or fair it’s utter crap and OP, and everyone, deserves better than this. Talk about victim blaming

Imagine anyone asking a woman whose husband was treating her to badly if he might have anxiety or work stress for fucks sake. It doesn’t matter. There’s acceptable behaviour and unacceptable behaviour. This is the latter and there’s no excuse. None at all.