I don't really know where to start, and have a feeling this post will be long and rambling and perhaps not really achieve anything... but here goes.
In January I separated from my husband after 13 years of marriage. We have 3 young children together. The split was my decision and I feel it was the right thing to do, however, the pain it has caused both to my ex husband and myself has been enormous. I felt terribly guilty in the first few months, drank heavily, had sex with people I didn't care about and generally felt bereft and crushingly lonely.
Then I met a man who pulled me out of my despair. We met online, talked for a couple of weeks, then met for a drink. The connection I felt with him was overwhelming and we instantly fell in to a relationship.
My ex husband took the children on holiday just after I met this man, and we spent a week in each other's company at my house. We were only apart when he had to work.
I felt for the first time since the separation that there was hope for me again. I could feel happy, and I stupidly started to map out a future with this man in my head. I think it's fair to say I fell in love. He told me he felt the same.
Four weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I know how stupid I was, so please don't lecture me. You cannot possibly make me feel any worse about everything than I already do.
I told him that I was pregnant and planned to terminate it. He was supportive, and although he never said it, I could tell that he was sad to be missing out on the chance to become a father. He's 40, never married or had children, and believed that he has a low sperm count on account of the fact that despite trying for 2 years he and his ex partner never conceived.
The process from finding out I was pregnant through to completing the termination has taken three weeks. In that time I have seen him just twice. He claims to be 'confused' and seems to be pushing me away and simultaneously stringing me along.
He was messaging all the time, staying in constant contact with me, but holding me at arms length and I found the whole thing terribly confusing myself.
With my hormones raging and my head in a complete mess I said things that must have been extremely hurtful to him. I told him to block me and get out of my life forever... I don't know why. I guess it was all becoming so painful and I wanted him to reassure me that he still cared.
Last week he came over to my house and took me out for dinner. He told me that he'd slept with another woman and his ex in the time he'd been apart from me, being 'confused'. When I asked him why he'd told me this he replied that being honest was the right thing to do and that he was sorry. He believed we were over. This was news to me, I thought we were very much un-over!
Yesterday I went to hospital and had the termination. He asked if he could come with me, but I declined. I didn't want him to see me go through that, I just wanted to be alone.
Afterwards I messaged him and told him it was done and if he now wished to leave my life he could. I'm an idiot... but I wanted him to fight for me and show me that he still wanted me. I said some hurtful things to him.
Then he blocked me. I got what I asked for and it hurts so much.
How do I even begin to overcome this and deal with the horrific mess I made of everything? I can't stop crying.