He's broken me

[itsallgoneshitflavoured]

I don't really know where to start, and have a feeling this post will be long and rambling and perhaps not really achieve anything... but here goes.

In January I separated from my husband after 13 years of marriage. We have 3 young children together. The split was my decision and I feel it was the right thing to do, however, the pain it has caused both to my ex husband and myself has been enormous. I felt terribly guilty in the first few months, drank heavily, had sex with people I didn't care about and generally felt bereft and crushingly lonely.

Then I met a man who pulled me out of my despair. We met online, talked for a couple of weeks, then met for a drink. The connection I felt with him was overwhelming and we instantly fell in to a relationship.

My ex husband took the children on holiday just after I met this man, and we spent a week in each other's company at my house. We were only apart when he had to work.
I felt for the first time since the separation that there was hope for me again. I could feel happy, and I stupidly started to map out a future with this man in my head. I think it's fair to say I fell in love. He told me he felt the same.

Four weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I know how stupid I was, so please don't lecture me. You cannot possibly make me feel any worse about everything than I already do.
I told him that I was pregnant and planned to terminate it. He was supportive, and although he never said it, I could tell that he was sad to be missing out on the chance to become a father. He's 40, never married or had children, and believed that he has a low sperm count on account of the fact that despite trying for 2 years he and his ex partner never conceived.

The process from finding out I was pregnant through to completing the termination has taken three weeks. In that time I have seen him just twice. He claims to be 'confused' and seems to be pushing me away and simultaneously stringing me along.
He was messaging all the time, staying in constant contact with me, but holding me at arms length and I found the whole thing terribly confusing myself.

With my hormones raging and my head in a complete mess I said things that must have been extremely hurtful to him. I told him to block me and get out of my life forever... I don't know why. I guess it was all becoming so painful and I wanted him to reassure me that he still cared.

Last week he came over to my house and took me out for dinner. He told me that he'd slept with another woman and his ex in the time he'd been apart from me, being 'confused'. When I asked him why he'd told me this he replied that being honest was the right thing to do and that he was sorry. He believed we were over. This was news to me, I thought we were very much un-over!

Yesterday I went to hospital and had the termination. He asked if he could come with me, but I declined. I didn't want him to see me go through that, I just wanted to be alone.
Afterwards I messaged him and told him it was done and if he now wished to leave my life he could. I'm an idiot... but I wanted him to fight for me and show me that he still wanted me. I said some hurtful things to him.
Then he blocked me. I got what I asked for and it hurts so much.
How do I even begin to overcome this and deal with the horrific mess I made of everything? I can't stop crying.

Sorry youve had to go through this. You need to give yourself time to heal. It seems it was a whirlwind. From his response of blocking you and him sleeping with his ex and another woman, it seems he's struggling too. Think you need space from him..

You have to accept being alone. Counselling may help you deal with your need to be with someone, regardless of how dreadful they are. Are you still drinking a lot?

I'm a bit confused about the sequence of events - did he sleep with someone before or after the first time you told him to block you, it was over (think that has happened twice?)

I think if it was after I'd cut him some slack. Otherwise no. You are already having to play games to get attention - and that must make you feel horrible. Plus it sounds as if he may feel a bit less certain about the termination. Plus the sleeping with other people. It's not exactly a happy start to the relationship. & you deserve happiness in a relationship where you don't have to seek attention. Take care of yourself OP

He slept with his ex girlfriend and a woman he works with who he has a history with.
He confessed about both encounters to me saying they were both isolated incidents that happened because he thought there was no hope for us.
I guess I was dealing with raging hormones and I was confused by his behaviour, so I'd told him to block me and move on. He'd refused, but then took it upon himself to shag other people.
Yes, I know I'm a car crash of emotions. Counselling probably would be invaluable to me, but accessing it round here is near impossible.

Just a quick reply here. You both sound too vulnerable to be in relationships at the moment, especially with each other.

The only person who can save you, is you.

Being single is amazing. You will learn to grow and develop and flourish as a person. Find yourself again as an individual, not as a person as part of a couple.

Regarding the counselling, Relate offer subsidised counselling but also offer a free online chat service. I’ve used it and it’s really good. Maybe that could be your starting point?

This is a man who goes out and has sex with other women to soothe his ego.

So it's a man who would do this whilst in a relationship with you. He didn't even wait until you'd gone through the termination, in case it was 'hormones talking', or if you wanted to talk, he just assumed he was dumped and fell right into bed with the next woman who came along (and also his ex, who he is CLEARLY NOT OVER).

His ego is bigger than both of you. I second (or third) stay away from men for a bit. That way does not lie validation. Find yourself a hobby or a pursuit that you can use to gain your self validation, it does not come from falling on random dicks.