Advice please on how to deal with dh, and whether or not IABU. (Sorry this is long.)

[Mossie]

I didn't want to post this under AIBU because I genuinely don't know whether or not IABU!

Ds is six weeks old tomorrow, I'm on maternity leave looking after him.

He is breastfed, and I am still very unsure of myself as to whether I'm getting it right. I've only had him weighed twice since he was born so I'm not sure how well he's gaining. In fact it was only last week I managed to get his chart swapped to one for a bf baby rather than a ff baby, so I'm not sure yet.

Dh thinks I'm obsessing about it, and to some extent I think I am, but until I'm sure I'm doing it right, I can't seem to stop obsessing.

While this is happening I find it hard to get out of the house by myself, because I only get about half an hour on average between feeds before he kicks off screaming.

Mil helps by taking him for an hour or two so I can get the dogs walked and get some housework done. And then I get him back... and he needs feeding again.

Feeding seems to take hours. Dh thinks that I am probably feeding him when he isn't hungry.

Dh cooks the evening meal. Then he takes ds from me for two hours so I can catch up on some sleep.

This means dh comes in from work and does not get any time to himself. He has pointed out that he thinks I should be doing more. However he has been slightly reticent in telling me exactly what more he thinks I should be doing.

I take ds at night - a night feed typically takes over two hours (over an hour to feed him and then the rest of the time to settle him) but to be fair, he only wakes twice in the night, so I do get some sleep.

I wish dh would take my concerns re: ds's feeding a little more seriously. But at the same time, I could just be being paranoid and I won't know until ds has been weighed a few times.

Dh walks around the house with a proper mardy face on him and I feel low enough without this feeling that he is constantly peed off with me. But to be fair, I am not exactly joy and sweetness and light.

I'm not phrasing this very well, and I'm chunnering. But basically I want to know, what should I do? Am I being unreasonable to expect dh to do what he's doing in terms of helping me?

Better go crying baby... you get the gist!

when both mine were young I didn't get further than the park or Asda on my own

(I only learned to drive a couple of months back)

feed baby, put in pram, go out to park
get cake at cafe
maybe feed baby again
come home
feed baby
feed baby
feed baby

I would say to your dh how hard you are finding it and that he is as well, shall we just sod the housework for a week and eat beans on toast to give each other a break. Takeaways?

make life easier until this hard bit passes

Mossy - from what you've said b4 about your dh, he sounds like a really decent bloke who probably does more than most around the house re cooking etc...

... i agree with what was said earlier on this thread that he will have first dad syndrome when he is just shocked at what is involved in having a baby in the house.

I think you should let him read this thread so he can see that every single woman who has posted on here is saying what you're going through is NOT unusual, it WILL get better and you ARE doing everything correctly.

that book will make you feel really grand too... it's lovely!

You're just both going through a massive time of adjustment. Plus you have dogs and cats that lots of other people don't have - so your houseworking requirements are probably more than others!

Oliveoil, I suggested that to him (takeaways / beans on toast and sodding the housework for a week or two) and he said no, it depresses him if the house is a mess and he is eating crap. So he cooks very nice food, I can't complain, but at the same time it is just wasted on me because I'm stuffing it down my gob so quickly because I know ds will want feeding any minute and we can only stave him off so long with a dummy - I might as well be eating beans on toast!

Diva I do sometimes wonder if dh just finds bfing a bit weird. Actually last night my boob was sore so I expressed a tiny bit of milk out - well it was meant to be tiny, but it squirted everywhere - and he had disgust on his face so I do think he has a bit of a thing about it, he would never say, but I think he probably thinks breasts are really for sex and it's quite a turn-off to see them constantly in a baby's face.

I could be reading far too much into it though.

One thing that did help me no end when I had trouble feeding was to get some electronic scales (but then I had major trouble - there was an underlying medical cause).

It meant I could check for myself whether ds was gaining weight and also when I wasn't sure whether he was eating or just comfort sucking I couls weigh him before and after the feed to see if he had taken anything.

They are a bit pricey, but worth it ime

He is probably in the huff because they are in the babies face rather than his.

Seriously though my DH is the biggest BF supporter ever he is v passionate about it. But he has expressed(sorry dodgy pun) a slight miffedness at being down the pecking order for boob access. and no longer being person with sole access.

Muppet he is a decent bloke but recently? I just don't know. I'm trying to get things in perspective (difficult whilst trying to balance a baby on a cushion so I can type ) but I am finding it hard.

I am worried I will end up with full on pnd as well and have to take ad's and have to stop bf anyway...

Right better take him off and have to let him wail while I get everything ready for the lll meeting... hopefully get some help with latching etc.

ProjectIcarus lol at "expressing"

Ib I did think about getting some scales but if I am obsessing over nothing I worry it will make me worse, iyswim! I am taking him to get weighed on Thursday anyway, will see what the score is then.

Watch the baby not the scales. You can take ads and BF don't let nayone tell you you can't.

I typed out a huge post then lost it.

He has no idea how you feel. He is carrying on as before with some extra duties.

With my first I was utterly overwhelmed by the responsibility. A tiny human was fully dependant on me for feeding care happiness and well being. A tiny human who could only communicate by crying and didn't bloody have different crys no matter how many books said she should. I felt surrounded by people watching waiting for me to fail all with advice all looking as if they knew better than me. I was bloody terrified and that is why I was tired.

Roughly every 3 weeks babies feed and feed and feed to up your supplies as they get bigger. 6 wks 9 wks batten down the hatches it gets better. really.

Mossy, a secure happy child is usually a well behaved child...sitting cuddling them and pouring love and attention onto children whilst ignoring the housework is good. It's not a waste of time! The house will still be there when the kids are not!

Moss, my house is a tip BTW. If anyone knocks on the door I can't let them in 'cos its so messy.

Hi

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to offer a few suggestions (none of which involve divorce):

1. Look at these pages about fathers and BF from the LLL website
2. If you can, get a cleaner - it was the best thing I did when DS was a few weeks old. We just had her for a few weeks and now I can cope with the cleaning again
3. Trust your own instincts about when DS needs feeding - your DH won't be tuned into it like you are
4. Be easy on yourself (and to DH...a bit), it is flipping hard doing what you are doing
5. Contact the LLL/NCT etc to put your mind at rest about the BF. I would strongly adive you not to speak to a random HV/MW unless they are also a trained BF counsellor, because you need a really informed opinion and most of them don't have the training
6. Maybe go to a BF support group meeting?

Take care of yourself

mossie-without wanting to compare your lovely dh to the evil git who is my xp,my xp used to look at me in disgust when i was expressing.sadly,breasts are seen by many men as sexual(maybe due to the unpopularity of bf a generation ago,and because womens' breasts are shoved in our faces in magazines etc everyday).but bloody hell,women see todgers as sexual,but that doesnt stop men using them to pee out of.

i agree with everybody who said to let the housework slide.i dusted my living room for the first time in 2 months last week.the housework isnt going anywhere,but your maternity leave is!

Diva... that's the best argument i've heard all year... men DO use their todgers to wee out of! I love it... will use that one on my dh next time he's too scared to approach my ample bosom!

Well I tried to speak to him about it when he came in this evening and he got p*d off and thinks I should go to a Doctor as he's convinced I have pnd.

I asked him would he accept ds needed feeding a bit more often, if I went to the hv and he wasn't gaining much weight? He said if he wasn't gaining at all, at some point we'd have to discuss putting him on formula wouldn't we.

I said would he listen to me and believe I wasn't being paranoid if I went to the Doctor, went on ad's and still didn't think he was feeding enough? He said that he didn't think there were any ad's you could get that you could still bf with.

And with comments like this he wonders why I am so paranoid he doesn't like me bfing?

Anyway I am wound up now so am going to turn the computer off and try to calm down.

[big hugs] Mossy

Mossie, he sounds like he's having trouble adjusting to being a dad, which is totally understandable.

But he is behaving like an arse to you.

If you have PND (IF!), you need support, not berating.

And yes, there are ADs you can bf with.

It's bloody hard when you're not getting enough sleep - he's getting a full night every night, is he?

mossie, he's being a twat, sorry, but he is

sorry mossy,he is acting like a spoilt child whos jealous of his new little brother,not a grown man with his first son

it sound like he wants you to have PND,as he thinks you will have to stop bf.i dont understand why he would want you to stop doing what is best for your/his son.does he thing ff is a walk in the park?

if he thinks putting him on formula would magically make everything ok,then he's wrong.i stopped bf ds1 at 6 weeks,he still fed every 1.5-2 hours on formula,still took about 30-45 mins to finish a feed till he was about 10 weeks old,he still used to cry in between feeds and want to be held all the time,plus he got wind alot more on formula.

and thats if the baby will take a bottle in the first place(ds1 took one straight away cos i'd been expressing since birth due to latch problems,so he was used to the bottle).

maybe your dh has PND and needs ad's?ive heard men can also get it.

oh dear

i think that the enormous task of adjusting to a new baby in the home is totally underestimated,and not comprehended, until the baby arrives

you can BF and take ADs

i don;t think you have PND

i think you need to give yourself a break and hope DH follows suit

he won't come to any harm if he has beans or eggs on toast for dinner for a week, and if a messy house upsets him, he can tidy it

or pay for a cleaner

you need to be selfish now, and listen to yourself and your baby

hugs Mossie. I suspect he is focusing on the bf because he thinks if you stop then his life will go back to the way it was. Is there anyone whispering in his ear about formula? That can also have an effect.

i don't think my six week old baby often went two hours between feeds it was mostly sooner than that.

The good news is normally babies do start to space their feeds out after about 12 weeks so sit tight it will be 12 weeks before you know it. It is such a short time in the greater scheme of things.

I can lend you a sling if you would like? I have a fab stretchy wrap which you could snuggle your baby in and walk dogs.hoover or whatever?

They say having a baby is one of the biggest life changing experiences and boy are they right.

After you have been endlessly getting up to go the loo in the night during pregnancy you have got in the swing of only sleeping for a few hours at a time and resting when possible, dh's sleepless nights are really only just begining and that takes some getting used to aswell as the total new lifestyle of being a parent. Before you know it, things will improve.

Try & get some sleep or just lie on the bed with a book when you can, housework really can keep, if your dh is that bothered about it, then it is quite simple, he can do it

I thought before i had ds that i could go out for a run when he got back from work, obviously a meal would of been prepared, house tidy, how wrong i was, i could barely make a meal, it seemed like it was harder than walking up Everest.

HI Mossie,

I haven't read all the posts, but want to say that I was exactly where you are when dd was 6 weeks; she wasn't gaining weight, I didn't feel like I was getting the latch/feeing right, feeds went on forever and dh would come home from work and say "can we please talk about something other than breastfeeding?". He would also look at me when I was crying and say "what's wrong with you?".
People suggested feeding lying down but I couldn't do it either. It didnt work and I had such sore nipples anyway and it made it worse.
I ended up mixed feeding dd and she's now a bouncing 1 year old, but I wish I had been able to just bf her, so keep going, keep feeding as often as you can and this period will end. Even if your dh has to help out a lot and you have to feed for extended periods until your lo is three months, it actually isn't that long a period of time. When you're in it, it feels like every day is such a struggle, but it's worth just accepting that these weeks are just about you and the baby and feeding and knowing that life will become more normal again soon. You'll be looking back on it soon.
Having said that, if it's too much and you want to switch to formula, that's not the end of the world either.
I'm re-reading what I've written and it sounds like I'm lecturing you - so sorry, i really feel for you, it's so hard and you're so tired. Big hugs, and just keep doing what you feel is right.

Not read whole thread but i bf both mine and its pretty much a 24/7 thing for the 1st few months. Devote all of your time to baby, never mind anyone or anything else and this phase will soon pass.

6 weeks old! THere is no way I could walk the dogs when DD was that age. I was laid up in bed most of the time, and I had a natural uncomlicated birth. WE underestimate how much it knocks us for six. Please dont walk the dogs (my pet-hate is MILs who "help" by holding the tiny baby and letting the new mother do the housework and walk the dogs ! ).
Me and DH were the same as you when our baby was born. A new mother needs to be mothered and looked after, and expects her partner to do this, but hes not able to because men need to be mothered too when theyVe just had a baby. Just weather it out. It does pass. I hated my DH for not understanding how vulnerable I felt, but men really are a bit shell-shocked too. Now (at 8 months), we are back to being in love again.
And all the mums on here say if you can hit 3 months, you`Ve made it through the worst, and this is so true.

THis is the way I BF. EVery time your baby cries, offer him your breast. He may want to feed or just suckle. Mine worked out pretty quickly when she didnt</span> want to be breastfed, so then I knew to rock her. When your baby cries, take her outside your backdoor. THe change of atmosphere usually stops them crying. I enjoyed going for drives with my DH on a Sunday. Can you do this? I sat in the back with DD in the car seat. If she needed breastfeeding, no one could see, if she needed a nappy change, I just did it in the back seat. And sooner or later, shes bound to fall asleep and you and DH can get some time together to chat and unwind without thinking about the baby. You don`t have to even go anywhere, just head out to the countryside.