Did your mother start a new relationship when you were in your teens - and it was fine?

[RelativelyNorma]

Because I am really struggling to do the right thing, and I'd like to hear what she did that made it OK for you. Please, please don't tell me your horror stories, I'm looking for ways to make this work well.
For background, have been seeing new chap for 6 months, although he was a friend before that. DD knows about the relationship but to date basically we've seen each other when she's at her dad's.

When I was a teen my dm got into a relationship with a woman. Hard at first but she made my dm happy and tbh that's all I cared about (13yo).
The men she had been with were rotters!!
I am sure your dd will wish you well.

My DM married my DSD when I was 17. I don't really remember anything in particular about meeting him, it was just a gradual thing, he was around as a friend for a while, then they were in a relationship, then they got married. I remember her talking to me about him, asking if I liked him, but she never asked me for permission or anything if thats what you mean? I was growing up too, and moved out when I was 18 anyway, but that was nothing to do with him (moved in with bf)

For what it's worth, we always got on ok and I never felt sidelined, or ignored.

I'm a single parent, been on my own for 10+ now and I think it's good to show your child that you'll be ok on you're own and that you can be loved, and love and be considered good company!

There's a lot of pressure on single parents to get every single thing right! Nobody is looking so closely at married parents, so go easy on yourself. Your dd has had your undivided attention for ages. My parents were married (to each other) but raised us to believe that there was nothing more shameful than the weakness of being romantically interested in somebody. And yet they just weren't that in to me. And yet we were supposed to somehow end up married. Don't ask. My kids are teens and only that our house is so small, I think they'd cope fine!

Good luck!

mum got together with SF when I was 16.

gradually he pushed us out, until the summer after their wedding when I found myself homeless. and she was so loved up that she didn't care.

My mum met my DSD when I was about 14/5, I was a twat for about 6 months to a year and then got over it, and now we're great friends (I'm 27 now)
I'd do things gradually, confide in DD (about the good things about him, and obviously only stuff that is appropriate for your DD to hear) and see what her response is

I think what I'm struggling with is transitioning to new chap & dd both being around at the same time. (He lives an hour plus drive away, so tends to visit for a day or so.)

DD is finding things hard at her dad's, and I feel like she would probably be better off being here most / all of the time - I think ex-H would be happy with that as he's well aware that his household is a pretty stressful place right now for external reasons. My mum is also pretty unwell & dd is struggling with that too (they've always been close).

I'm feeling selfish for wanting to spend time with new chap & like I really need to be there for dd without complications. She also finds strangers (& people in general outside of close family) really, really hard & tends to just retreat up to her room & not interact if I have other people around in the house.

Obviously that's pretty normal teenage behaviour, but it's not normal for her IYKWIM, she tends to socialise with me / my parents quite a lot & doesn't really do outside friends as yet.

I think 6 months isn’t that long. My mum had a few boyfriends but when my SF came along it was different as it was a LTR and he was invested in getting to know us. The others hadn’t really been interested

I should say dd absolutely hasn't said I'm being selfish, I've talked to her a little bit about starting to see someone, and she's been positive & said nice things. But I'm just feeling that life is crapping on her from all directions right now.

Absolutely agree 6 months isn't that long & it is definitely early days. Because of dd's age, and because she has a very involved father in my ex-H, I don't think it would ever be a step-parent situation. External circumstances mean that regardless of what we wanted, we couldn't realistically live together / in the same town in the next several years at least.

I’d advise you to introduce partner gradually and remind them not to try too hard to be liked. I found and still find that irksome.

Teenagers aren’t necessarily looking for another parental figure, so at first I wouldn’t be set on doing lots of things together with partner and dd. Also any special personal occasions such as exam results celebration, graduations, birthdays etc, I would seek your kids permission for your partner to be there at first. Remember it may take a very long time for your partner to mean anything to your dd, whilst of course she would hopefully recognise they mean a lot to you.

The context for this advice - i feel a lot of the resentment and strain in my relationship with my mums partner stems from how he was quite forcefully inserted into the family unit. The insensitive handling of the first year I knew him and their very hasty marriage, his constant presence, still feeds into my negative perception of their relationship.

Best of luck op, I hope it all works out well

Btw I think you’re on the right track with the fact you’re even thinking about how she may feel. You sound a sensitive , considerate mother

My Mum met my DSD when I was 11 but we didn't all move in together until I was 15. I don't think they could have handled it much better really, I'm NC with my bio father and adore my Stepdad. He's not pushy or forceful and was always very conscious of my feelings. He gave me and Mum loads of 'just us' space and time and never tried to interfere or tell me what to do, but he was always open and welcoming if I wanted to ask him anything. We're quite similar, both very outdoorsy which helped - he would take me kayaking and climbing. Mum was always very clear that I was her priority and she always had time for me regardless of what else was going on. They've been together almost 26 years now and he's my Dad in all but name

Yes - my mum separated from my dad when I was 11. She introduced new partner when I was around 13. She’s still with him 16 years later. He’s lovely (although not perfect) and I’m just happy that she can be happy.

He used to make us homemade pizza (my mum never cooked) and bought us a drum kit 😁! He took us on city breaks and really didn’t seem to mind having two stroppy teens in tow. He’s very much part of our lives and more of a grandparent to my children than my own Dad.

Obviously people have different expierences but for me it was only positive.

My Mum remarried when I was 16. My Dad did when I was 18. I have a great relationship with both. Have 4 parents really (I realise how lucky I am). My Mum was very open with me about the relationship. I had known him growing up though as it was a family friend so not sure if that helped.

really well both of my parents remarried and I didn't feel like I had four parents, I was made to feel like an unwanted nuisance.

Thank you so much for your positive stories. It's definitely going to be a slowly-slowly situation (in any event new chap has his own teens he's busy being a dad to) but that suits me all ways round.

So sorry to hear that FourFried - I really don't want dd to feel unwanted (tbf I don't think that's an issue at all - at her dad's it's just external problems causing stress for everyone, she knows ideally he'd like to split the week 50:50 and at the moment is feeling guilty for not wanting to spend time there).

From personal experience of being in DD’s shoes :

Take it very, very slowly. Let DD form her own opinion of new boyfriend‘s character and personality. Be prepared for her to hate him on principle, irrespective of anything he says or does. Let her decide when she’s ready to accept him. Don’t ever, ever, try to push her to accept him. That will only end in conflict.

And the golden rule : Undestand that he isn’t her dad and he never will be unless that’s how she wants to see him. Never refer to him as her ‘stepdad’. That is a role that only she can choose to grant him.

My mother’s husband will only ever be ‘Tom’. I’m polite and civil to him, but that’s as far as it goes.

It was a big upheaval to be honest when my DM met my stepdad when I was 14. To be honest it contributed to me moving out when I was 17.

We get along fine now I'm an adult and live alone but I couldn't live in the same house again.

Honestly from my own experiences it's one of the reasons I won't entertain any new relationships (single mum myself) until DS is an adult. Sorry

You sound like a fab mum who considers carefully how life looks for her dd. Your dd also has the security of two interested and involved parents. I would say you guys can’t go far wrong with this combination if you go slow.

I’ve two teen dd’s and a DP of 2+years. My two get on absolutely fine with him but their life just carries on mostly unaffected by our relationship really. The girls spend EOW + one week night with their dad and SM and that’s a weekend + night for DP and me so they don’t see him then. They see him maybe once every week (or sometimes less) and at family occasions. My kids are both comfortable with him but otherwise ‘meh’ what with being teens and having much more interesting things to think about (social media, YouTube, makeup, friends).We haven’t been on holiday together as he has two teens who mine have barely met(!). So not much impact on my two really.

I agree that it's not that IMPERATIVE that they get on brilliantly. He's your boyfriend. As long as he's good humoured, affectionate to you (not overly so obviously) and respectful of the situation then I don't see the harm. She'll probably have a bf soon and might feel less awkward telling you all about it.

I'm laughing out loud at the advice to you not to call him a step dad. Geez! lol.

I introduced somebody to my DC (once, in ten years) but there was never any suggestion that he was fitting in to some adult male shaped hole in our family because there is no man shaped gap. I think sometimes people in conventional setups don't understand that you're not desperately trying to cut and paste a new dad in!!

As long as you have time with her and he's not around all the bloody time, and you don't try to force it, it should be fine.

It's likely to be maybe a couple of days every other week, so not all the time, but noticeable.

I don't know about dd, but I feel weird about the idea of having him staying over while she's in the house (she's 16 FGS, I'm sure she's realised that I'm sleeping with him). I just need to get over myself on that one, don't I...

How lovely that you have considered her feelings and thoughts. I say this because my parents split when I was 16 and my sister 14. Long time coming. My Mum had been having an affair for two years and moved him in just two weeks after my Dad moved out! I was a vile teenager and deeply resentful and nasty to him, whilst my sis handled it better. 30 years on they are still together and I have a fabulous relationship with Mum's boyfriend. My sister cannot get on with him at all and still feels resentful. I think you need to expect that there may be resentment and reluctance at first and go slowly. I really think that if he is a lovely and decent man then it will all turn out marvellously

I refer to my Mum's partner as my stepdad now. My kids asked if they could call him grandpa just yesterday