Ended long distance relationship - some words of wisdom needed

[rememberthetime]

I have just ended and long distance relationship after 18 months. it was complicated by the fact he lived with his wife although they were separated (this is true) and they had two small children together. My children are grown.

The first 6-12 months he was dedicated to staying in touch, visiting and we had a lovely time. But the last six months has been punctuated with period of him failing to communicate well with me and most recently, he came back to this country and spent just 4 hours with me out of a 2.5 week trip.

This clearly shows he was not all that interested, yet he kept me hanging on. I realised that I need to be the strong one and not accept less than I am worth. If he can't stay engaged in the relationship, then I have to accept he isn't right for me.

he also has no intention of moving out of the family home and still has a very close relationship with his wife. There is no future for us until the kids leave home - which is ten years away. Obviously I am not going to wait that long.

I can't even call him to talk so I sent a message telling him I don't want to be his bit on the side any more.

Before anyone points out the obvious to me... I know for sure that the relationship with his wife is a practical one for the purposes of shared parenting. I believe that. I know it's a familiar lie they tell - but I am certain he is telling me the truth about that at least.

I guess I just want someone to tell me that I will feel OK soon... I know I've done the right thing. But I really love him and just wish he had tried harder to make me happy.

This was my first relationship after a 16 year marriage. I learnt a lot about what I want and maybe I chose a long distance relationship because it made me feel safe and not too committed. But I think I have decided I am ready for more and he isn't able to follow me.

Well done. You did something very difficult. It would’ve been much easier to stay in denial.

What are you NOT going to miss about this relationship?

Thats a very good question Stoic.

I will not miss waiting for his calls and messages - that never come
I will not miss missing him physically
I will not miss the way he never responds to my concerns - just brushes them off
I will not miss the fact I put my life on hold in the hope he would give me some hope of a future together.
I will not miss the jealousy I felt that his wife saw him daily and I saw his rarely.

I will miss the welcome distraction he gave me and the fact he was emotionally and intellectually on my wavelength. People like that are hard to find.

He jyst wasn’t emotionally available and it’s his loss

Move on and find someone who is into iou and available without baggage in a big messy pile!

Hi remember

I literally did the same thing an hour ago. My relationship wasn't as long as yours but was my first one after ending my 30 year marriage. We just lived too far apart and were too busy and recently he got another big job which cut down our seeing each other even more. It was me that finished it but we are both upset. I read the things you won't miss and they resounded in me so much. So although I'm really sad and upset - here are mine:

I won't miss being the gooseberry because my boyfriend lives too far away for spontaneous get-togethers.

I won't miss spending my life on Whatsapp or messenger

I won't miss missing him as a physical presence in my life

I won't miss knowing that it's not working but hanging on hoping it will

I'm sorry that you had to end it and I'm sorry that I had to end it ((very unmumsnetty hugs))

Frenchlady - thank you and I am sorry for you too. But we both know we have done the right thing. Please feel free to keep commenting here or to message me. if it helps.

I only saw my ex(?) every 12 weeks on average. So it is the bits in-between that I will miss the most. I shared everything with him. What I did each day, how I felt about it, what I wanted from life, the ups and downs with my divorce. he offered a distant shoulder to cry on and because he is hugely empathetic he always supported me.

But the last 6 months has been distant emotionally. then he came to the UK and didn't set aside time for me (although he claimed he tried). All I saw was that he was too busy, too tired etc for me.

Worse still, he has recently changed jobs and will not be travelling to the UK regularly for work - yet he's offered no solution to how we can see each other - despite me offering to travel to him...

he hasn't even read my message yet - I don't know what his response will be. maybe he will tell me he loves me, he will leave his wife, he will set up a home with me (He knows I would move to his country) and it will all be perfect.

But I know he won't.

I'm here too! My LDR was only meant to be distance for a few months but now it's looking unlikely that I'll return so my ex pulled the plug. He said the stress and the anxiety was too much and that the memory of the time we had together was starting to fade for him

He also has issues from being cheated on & was a late bloomer so didn't date before being with his ex or after her until me, so feels like he wants to be single and wild, or so he says

I on the other hand have had my fill of dating and was happy to have found him and be with him - he was everything I wanted

I miss him a huge amount & it hurts to see him on social media seemingly moving on with his life. He has said we can be friends & we have texted a bit lately but I'm not ready for that

I've also been having a hard time generally & dealing with suicidal feelings about my life generally. Once again he has reached out if I want to talk but I don't fancy being a burden to him

Just feeling lost - I can't tell the full story but the things I have been through & the life I have had have made relationships challenging & I thought I was finally in one that was full of passion and happiness. I thought he had my back. I've never felt this way about someone so completely

Sending you love, for your sadness and your bravery. I want to believe in the future but it feels bleak

Also I won't miss:

• The time zone difference that made staying in contact nerve wracking and harder to do over time
• worrying about him and other girls (one was flirting with him over social media & it took a while to convince him to confront her to stop it rather than ignoring and hoping it goes away)
• Having to communicate mainly over text from day to day which feels so limited
• Waiting with bated breath
• All the times we talked about being anxious and depressed
• Bad dreams about this

Asleep - I hope you feel better in time. But remember that if you feel really down there is no shame in seeking help.

The anxiety really is awful, isn't it? Mine was a huge time difference (his night was my day) so I always was awake all night waiting for a message. I also felt awful when he was going out as he never really reassured me much about that.

I just want to put down my phone, stop stressing about messages and simply live a life with real people. Not this fantasy man I had built up in my imagination.

I expect he's pretty sure he hasn't led me on.

Thank you! I have restarted medication & am starting the process of getting back into therapy. Not coming back is throwing up huge upheaval (probably losing job, all of it being out of my hands too) so it's a stressful time

The anxiety is really awful and like you our time zone was night and day. We actually broke up when he was on a work trip and there was only an hour between us but it really highlighted how much communication between was not as good as it should be

I have had a bit of a pattern re: investing in men who are unavailable so that I've just finished a LDR with a man I initially was able to see all the time is like a big cosmic joke

I'm trying to remind myself that I need a full and reciprocated relationship in person & this is not it

Sending

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. Our LDR ended in marriage and even though he’s lovely and supportive, it’s still been a difficult transition. It would be horrendous with someone like what you’ve described. The fantasy would have come crashing down!

You are going to miss having that one person that’s yours to confide in. The person you call/message when you see something funny, or when you have a bad day. But it’s not the same as missing him.

Thank you Kismett. It is funny how I have to keep reminding myself that I never see him - so what on earth am I losing?

All he ever has been is a person on the end of the phone (and to be fair mostly messages) who I offload to.

I think he was a transition relationship, designed to take my mind off the end of my marriage. I think that now I am considering a more meaningful relationship, he is running a mile.

He wouldn't be good long term material.

I am sitting here realising that actually, my life hasn't changed that much. the only thing missing is hope (that was always tinged with sadness).

Asleep - interestingly, there is only a couple of hours between us right now and he was here only 2 weeks ago. But as you say, this prompted me to realise that he had no interest in seeing me - and only did so because I pushed him to.

he made a big thing about how he went out of his way to make time for me - whereas I would have driven for hours and spent £100s to see him, without questioning it once.

he still hasn't read it.... I just want the next bit done.

well done!

like others on this thread, I now try and look back and think 'what did I learn from this relationship'

I too came out of a long marriage and had 2 pretty hopeless relationships. They say it takes at least 2 years after a long marriage to go back to being 'you', as in single you, not you like you were in your marriage.

Think about what you've learned about yourself, what you're going to look out for next time. E.g. my first relationship after marriage was with someone who still lived with their ex wife (they ran a business together from the home they lived in - they were truly separate, separate rooms and the business was part of their home iyswim) but I now know that I would never accept that arrangement again. Not because I didn't trust him, because I did and even today, many years later they are still exh and exw, but because I personally didn't like it.

Right now write down a list of reasons why you finished it. In moments of weakness look at it and remember why you are better off making yourself available for someone who will treat you well and love you properly. Be strong and in time you will be ok and probably happy with someone better suited to you (virtual hug)

You’ve absolutely done the right thing, stay strOMG!

@rememberthetime that's so interesting that you were able to see that he was not willing to put more in!

It's a sobering lesson. In my case my ex was getting frustrated because he said his life was changing fast and not being able to share it with me fully was impacting him

But there is a kernel of truth in it that maybe part of him didn't want to or wasn't willing. Unlike him I would've done anything to make it work

Sounds like the same with your ex man. I'm taking steps to face up to being alone again and I hope in the long term it will make me stronger & I will be ready for a full and loving relationship in time - with someone who is THERE in all sense of the word

I have no idea what happened there..

Stay strong

I shared everything with him. What I did each day, how I felt about it, what I wanted from life, the ups and downs with my divorce. he offered a distant shoulder to cry on and because he is hugely empathetic he always supported me

OP, what has really struck me is that all this was at a distance. I wonder if this was a "safe" relationship for you in the beginning precisely because it was at a distance, and was the 1st one after your marriage. Are you just ready for something else now? i.e. all of the above, but with someone who is physically in the same place as you?

I think you are probably mourning what could have been, not what actually was.

It was always going to be a no go given that he has DC in another country!

Suggest no contact, not seeking emotional support from new boyfriends, and if you want to date again soon seeking someone living relatively locally.

“He kept me hanging on”.

No, you didn’t act on signs that you were more into it than he was.

You’ve done the right thing. Just see it as a stepping stone and a relationship that’s taken you closer to finding what you really want. I can definitely relate to choosing the LDR as a bit of a safety net, I’ve done the same after leaving an 18 year relationship.

yes it was safe and that was probably why I felt OK with it to start. But I felt we were in a similar place with our marriages - both separated for a similar period of time. But if he is still living with her, it was never really the same.

I guess I thought he would be ready to move on at some point.

I am looking towards my future and he seems to be stuck right now.

And yes, I was blind to the fact he wasn't as into it as I was. But he truly treated me with love for the first 6 months and whenever he saw me. He talked about the future - but then that tailed off.

Daffo- - his situation is similar. His wife offers support to him in his life, looks after the kids, looks after him and keeps him ticking over. I don't think he thinks he can live alone. They argue all the time and the kids think theirs is a normal marriage (separate wings of the house, not eating together and no affection whatsoever). It's quite sad.

Reasons for breaking up:

Severe imbalance in the amount of communication
No acknowledgement of me as his partner to friends and family
No discussion of a future together
Not putting me first (after his children)
Him always being tired and busy
Not focusing on our conversation when talking (he will just disappear without saying goodbye)
Ignoring my concerns
Not recognising my feelings regarding his wife
Not sending me a birthday gift (having to be reminded it was my birthday at all) - ditto anniversary, Valentine's day etc
History of infidelity with his previous partners (not ideal for future trustworthiness)

I guess that says it all - being kind, sexy, intelligent and empathetic isn't quite enough to make up for it.

There was never a future: he has DC in another country! And you wouldn’t want a man who would leave the country his DC lived in for a new relationship, would you?

This might be a bit silly but was looking at FB memories and found this old quote from Don Quixote:

'Fortune is guiding our affairs better than we ourselves could have wished.'

You don't have to believe it but it's a bit comforting in the circumstances. Thinking back to certain times in my life which felt miserable like this & in retrospect they all set the scene for times of happiness and fulfilment, in time

Loopy - yes and I would never have asked him to leave his children - never.
he lives in a country I am very familiar with and have family living in, so I was willing to move there. He knew this.
My children are grown (nearly) and this could have happened in 2 years.

That is comforting Asleep. One door closes...