Ended long distance relationship - some words of wisdom needed

[rememberthetime]

I have just ended and long distance relationship after 18 months. it was complicated by the fact he lived with his wife although they were separated (this is true) and they had two small children together. My children are grown.

The first 6-12 months he was dedicated to staying in touch, visiting and we had a lovely time. But the last six months has been punctuated with period of him failing to communicate well with me and most recently, he came back to this country and spent just 4 hours with me out of a 2.5 week trip.

This clearly shows he was not all that interested, yet he kept me hanging on. I realised that I need to be the strong one and not accept less than I am worth. If he can't stay engaged in the relationship, then I have to accept he isn't right for me.

he also has no intention of moving out of the family home and still has a very close relationship with his wife. There is no future for us until the kids leave home - which is ten years away. Obviously I am not going to wait that long.

I can't even call him to talk so I sent a message telling him I don't want to be his bit on the side any more.

Before anyone points out the obvious to me... I know for sure that the relationship with his wife is a practical one for the purposes of shared parenting. I believe that. I know it's a familiar lie they tell - but I am certain he is telling me the truth about that at least.

I guess I just want someone to tell me that I will feel OK soon... I know I've done the right thing. But I really love him and just wish he had tried harder to make me happy.

This was my first relationship after a 16 year marriage. I learnt a lot about what I want and maybe I chose a long distance relationship because it made me feel safe and not too committed. But I think I have decided I am ready for more and he isn't able to follow me.

Oh remember I'm so sorry for your pain

It's a lot to work through, I think, but you seem to be separating out what was him and what was the situation. That's a really good start.

I hope you, and everyone in the same situation, can make sense of it and feel better soon. TheStoic that's a good list. And someone mentioned on another thread making a daily gratitude list - that's a good strategy too.

This thread has really helped me get some perspective & not just put him on his perfect pedestal:

• we spent longer doing LDR than together in person and that is no way to live
• ultimately he wants to be young & single and said as much, even if not so blatantly
• not waking up in knots over whether he is talking to me today or if he will want to text me when he is at work or back from seeing his friends
• sending him thoughtful gifts including for valentines but the most he gave me was some playlists (I made them too and outnumbered his), no presents or letters from him at all
• seeing him tweet things like updates on his day or pictures of food he has out instead of texting me to keep up conversation
• saying he will 'do better' with communication but ultimately not really trying
• giving up on me
• how he started detaching himself from me when he decided to break up & talks about me in past tense which is so hurtful

These are all things I have not thought about or swept under the rug because they're painful!

Asleep - I am so sorry it's painful - but as you probably know from your therapy, the pain is where it starts to feel better.

Do all long distance partners say they will do better with communication and then fail to do so? Mine blames everything on his failure with communication. he kept saying it will all get better once he has the time to communicate with me better. But that time never comes. He's been saying it for months. He's currently on holiday and still doesn't have the time.

So it has been 24 hours since he even last looked at the app we use for messaging. So the messages I have sent have not even been read. I don't expect they will be until tomorrow morning now. That kind of tells me everything I need to know. He often has a "break" from communication when he gets overwhelmed or too tired with it. or actually, I suspect it is when he wants to make a point.

How long have you been split up, Asleep?

Gratitude list - I like that idea too.

My two clever, spirited and beautiful children
My lovely best friend who gets me despite my occasional weirdness
My job that gives me time to myself and still pays the bills
My home that is free from abuse and emotional control
My lovely counsellor who helps me see the best path
Costa coffee :)
My host of friends both online and off that support me and offer great advice.
Mumsnet :)

And today... sunshine, a new pretty purse, good coffee and peace. And cleansing tears.

What a lovely list! So many good things

It has been something like... 2 weeks? Which is no time at all but I've been going through all the stages of grief as well as facing unexpected hurdles in my life back here (this was meant to be a temporary trip but may be permanent)

And leaving your messages unread/ not replied to is just a lack of consideration. He doesn't want to deal right now and while you're not guaranteed or entitled to his time, he's not even trying

I think lack of communication creeps in to most LDRs. I also found myself avoiding setting up phone calls or asking him to call, I don't quite know why but I was also guilty of that!

Hope you're having a great day

You are definitely doing the right thing. It does sound like he is much less into you than you are in him, which never makes for a good relationship. Onwards and upwards!

I could literally have written your posts word for word. Your chap and mine sound exactly the same. No pearls of wisdom I'm afraid.

Well I had a response to my message. We talked about how neither of us want the other to move countries and at the Crux of it, that is the problem.

He agreed when I said it's not workable - he said it's hard to read.

But he also felt that I needed to much from him and wasn't realistic about what he could offer given his circumstances. That's true I suppose. But you can't help who you fall in love with.

I don't know if we should stay in touch or if he should tell me when he will be back in the uk. I don't know if all communication should be broken. He's not on social media thankfully. I don't have any way of knowing what he is doing other than him telling me.

Maybe cold turkey is easier and better.

Sorry it's not what you wanted remember - or at least it's not one of the things you wanted.

You're already open to the idea that this was a transition relationship, so you can see beyond your sore heart already, difficult though that is. I'm always wary when people tell us we "want too much" as if wanting something as basic and life-affirming as an equal, committed, thoughtful relationship is some kind of needy personal aberration rather than a fairly natural desire to enhance our lives. You don't need him, but you want him, and that's normal. Just...not workable. And I'm sorry for the pain, and I am sure something more life-enhancing will be on its way to you soon. You sound lovely. But you know what? You just have to be human to deserve more than this.

Don’t make the effort to stay in touch. Let him make the effort if he wants to. I think deep down you know what will happen then..,

Cold turkey definitely best.

You absolutely CAN choose who you fall in love with, or not to pursue a love that is not in your (and/or your DCs’) best interests. In this case there were clear signs that there was no future.

Would you really want to move countries without your DC (still in their late teens?)? Would an international move have been on your agenda had you not entered the relationship? Would there have been good paid work options for you there?

I also agree, go no contact

I haven't been perfect no contact with my ex but after some emotional texts to start with I am keeping him at more of a distance

'Staying friends' isn't workable as it just means staying in touch over text and probably keeping the tail end of your feelings alive

Writing that for myself as much as for you, stay strong xx

I suspect he recognises that staying in touch isn't best. I've had no response to my question about whether he wants to stay in touch. I think that answers my question.

So that's it...

I'm reminding myself that I'm really no worse off. We are not at all entwined. I have nothing of his at my home (he has never even been inside my home), we haven't shared any finances, we haven't met each other's children. We literally can stop messaging each other and it is over. After 18 months, that feels wrong in itself and very telling.

I'm mourning what might have been - which was in fact just a fantasy.

I enjoyed the weekends away, the fun nights out, the exciting wait for when he arrived in the country. But I suppose I could have that with anyone.

I'm struggling to work today (im self employed and work at home). but I am not dwelling. It's no different to normal. he's not here, he's not messaging me, I don't know when I will see him. All of that is perfectly normal.

Hare - I agree. I don't think I asked too much. Expecting that he would give me the same level of communication as I offered him isn't unreasonable. Or that he might think to the future eventually.

I'm trying not to feel like this was a waste of my time - because the fact is that I wasn't ready for a relationship when I first met him. If I had been I wouldn't have chosen someone so unsuitable.

I might be more ready now - but I do need to work on my choices.

I have already had messages from a friend this morning checking I am OK. He won't have that support because he never told anyone about me. I worry about him for that reason. He's prone to depression and I don't want him to suffer. But not sharing me with his friends and family was his choice, so I guess it's what he has to expect.

I think you sound really philosophical and positive. As you say, it’s a “straightforward” breakup, some good came out of it, and nothing lost. You have all the great things in your life you have listed.

Don’t worry about him - his problem!

My ex told me that he hopes I don't regret any of what we had together. And I don't - even if, like yours, it was a relationship with some brevity & without hard to untangle knots (no kids, not living together, no joining of finances, hardly even mutual friends!)

It was still something I put myself into deeply & wanted with the best intentions. I've never had a relationship that has been so full of goodness, from both of us

But it's over and I am mourning it but no regrets as to how it went

Your question to your ex is one that you can equally ask to yourself. In the coming days or weeks, you may feel like you don't have closure or finality from him.

But what do you want? Do you want to stay in touch? What's next for you? What are your latest priorities?

I am trying to put the focus back on to me. When in person the relationship was all encompassing, we saw each other several times a week and spent most weekends together. This didn't leave much time for hobbies or friends, and now I'm floating aimlessly without knowing what to do next.

It feels like a sting and a hurt but I hope to take the pain and sadness & channel it to being very focused on myself, all the interests I might have, and not think about blokes for a while. I want to try ballet, maybe. Find a new book club. Finally learn how to drive. Reconnect with friends I haven't seen in years. Start going to yoga again. Find a therapist and commit to treatment. Do some volunteer work, maybe pick up a new course of study.

I don't know what I'm doing next and I thought I would at least have him by my side but I know that a richer and more meaningful life is, I hope, achievable, even without a man in the frame

Please stop worrying about him! He hasn’t been worrying about you.

My therapist told me to find support from friends, family - just do things. Rediscover all of those things that you put on hold because of the relationship.

For me, it was finding a relationship that would actually work in the long term.

Additionally, I have put off buying a home since my marital home sold. I actually thought I would move to be with him and didn't want to lay down roots here, just in case.

I also have a hobby I used to do everyday day - I actually stopped it because my hands were always occupied typing messages to him. I can see me having more time for that.

Asleep - I really hope you can get in touch with the person you used to be.

Thank you @rememberthetime !!

Your posts are really helping me through. I do hope to rediscover who I was - it wasn't all eroded by the relationship, more via MH issues and living in a city by myself, but the circumstances certainly didn't help.

We had a lot of positive plans for the year too, even things like cooking together more & going on trips. Having to face up to doing those things alone and without a partner seems bleak, but maybe reiterates that I'm mourning the loss of a relationship and not even him

I hope that all's well that ends well and that you can get back into your hobby and see if you'll be moving! Sounds like lots of good progress ahead

I second what pp said. Stop worrying as he's not worried about you.

So my daughter has had a rough day (shes doing GCSEs) and was in tears from a bad exam. I had to comfort her and ended up taking her out shopping.
For an hour or so I felt normal - then it hits you "I can't tell him about this..."

He would know what to say to her to make her feel better.

I also don't want to tell her about this break up until her exams are done. So I have to take her bad moods on the chin and be positive for her.

On the shopping note - the body shop has a massive sale on (some products £1!)

@rememberthetime I feel that way too - lots of things pop up and I can't talk to my ex about it or would just love to