Anxiety in relationships

[greyduvet41]

Advice please

I am in a fairly new relationship but gripped so badly by anxiety that I can't even trust my own gut or judgements

I was married to a narc .. thank god not for long but he destroyed me cheated emotionally abused me manipulative lied you name it and we had one DS

I have since struggled with self esteem self worth and trust

I took nearly 5 years rebuilding myself to even get to a point where I could seriously consider dating

I'm nearly 6 months into new relationship
He has subsequently met my son (happened by chance not planned) and they are amazing together and he wants all the things that I want settle down children in the future etc

I struggle to trust
I overthink overanalyse and always worry that he will finish things

I worry if I see him enough .. if I'm good enough

It hasn't been easy to adjust to a new person he's very laid back and last minute at times whereas I am OCD this has caused a few rows
He was very cagey about new relationship from his own past experiences
This did come to a head where I offered to walk away and he said he didn't want things to end

He has had work stresses and I take it personally when he is quiet or having space to
Himself and think that it is me or he is going to end things

On the flip side he makes me super happy when I am with him

I am just terrified I am going to ruin it and how to relax and struggle to take him for his word

Have tried cbd oil .. natural supplements (I don't personally want to be medicated by gp) and tried CBT

I can't go on feeling like this I am
So up and down I worry I am
Driving my
Own friends demented with my issues

Please help

Sorry it's such a long post

Fairly new relationships shouldn't be filled with rows. You are obviously not suited for a long term relationship.

Or you can go to your gp and get meds. There's nothing wrong with controling anxiety with medication.

You're going to do his head in with this neediness.

The not being medicated is my choice and just my personal view it's what works for some
I know I will do his head in which is why I asked for help or any advice other than visiting my gp for pills or if any ladies have experienced anything similar

Yes it is early days but I don't want to ruin it

How do you know it won't work for you unless you try? it's not all ADs.

I just really don't want to be medicated for anxiety

so you would rather "do the head in" of your various future partners than seek medical treatment??

This was simply to see if anyone else has experienced similar and how they manage it not a post to be bashed for not wanting to be medicated by a gp

If you don’t want medication, that’s your choice entirely OP, so maybe you’re not quite ready for a relationship yet?

Unfortunately, it’s not until we’re in a relationship that all our demons surface, so if you really like this guy, then you need to do some work on yourself. Have you had counselling?

Nobodies bashing you OP, it's just a perplexing view.

Fact is if you don't control yourself then he will end up leaving you. Maybe keep your feelings to yourself when he wants space. Keep yourself busy and fake it till you make it. I'm not sure what else there is to suggest.

Exercise is good for anxiety, distraction can also work. Recognise that you're being unreasonable and just don't project it onto him.

Sorry OP I didn’t mean you’re not ready for a relationship because you won’t take meds

I don't tend to let him know if I am having anxious thoughts I do keep them
To myself
I excercise regularly I just struggle to believe he won't leave me or cheat it's hard
It's been 5 years single I don't get why I can't just give him the benefit of the doubt

I was on AD when I was about 18 they made me like a zombie I can't do that again

If you think about it, it's not really fair to punish your future because of your past. This is not your ex.

I'm medicated for anxiety. I dont take anti depressants. My meds are for as and when I need them. No zombie anywhere near here.
There are other options than anti depressants.

You've been dating six months and you are talking about settling down and having children! No wonder you are anxious. Red flag.

He's laid back. You are not. This does not mean you are wrong. This does not mean you are defective. The purpose of dating is to discover incompatibilities. You find out what they are and you decide if they are things that bother you or not. It sounds like this difference bothers you too much. This is not a sign that one of you needs to change. This is a sign that you two happen to be incompatible despite being compatible in some ways.

Consider this to be a dating success. You met someone who seemed a good fit. Within six months you'd identified differences in attitude that mean it won't survive and you end it. Or you decjde it's no biggie (doesn't sound that way).

I bet you need a normal break up for normal dating reasons to help your recovery.

FGS don't medicate yourself so you can tolerate dating a man who has a fundamentally different attitude to important things to you. Especially not a 6 monther.

It's definitely not fair to punish him your right but I find it super difficult
I really appreciate your view points and I'm sorry if I seemed a bit rude in the way I voiced my opinions on medication
I really like him and to be honest do see a future but I find it so difficult to control my thoughts
This Isn't strictly to him I have casually dated over the last 5 years and same thoughts
I in some way feel if I don't reign it in I will end up on my own

Is ending up on my own a bad thing?

I know plenty of middle-aged women happy with a bit of dating but with absolutely no desire to have a man living in the house again.

No as that isn't what I want a family
And that unit
I don't want to be on my own

I didn't think you were rude OP, I understand anxiety.

Maybe he's just not right for you. It's supposed to be relaxing and butterflies early on. If you're rowing already he might simply not be right for this stage in your life.

I also tend to think that you do need to be somewhat content on your own to have the headspace for a relationship. Things dont seem as urgent then.

It scared me a bit that people would say that
I don't know what to do

Am I right in thinking you are afraid you are not doing all the right things to make the relationship last forever?

What if you took the pressure off yourself? Decide that, say, you will give it another six months and see if being in the relationship makes you and him feel good. Expect to break up and anything else is a happy bonus.

Six months is way too soon to be rowing about staying together for ever.

We don't row over staying together more so about my expectations but I'm not sure if they are unrealistic either
I am really bad at this and not sure if it all relates back to me and my fear of it going tits up
It's crazy I know but I don't think I could take that level of pain again
Thank you all for taking the time to reply

Why would it be so painful?

What are your expectations?

Have you thought that your anxieties may be well founded? You may be picking up on subtle red flags. I think gut feelings are pretty accurate, acting on them is hard, I know this to my cost.

Because splitting with exh was horrific I've never felt pain like that

Sometimes I think my expectation of efforts are different
I'm pretty clueless at dating and wonder if my expectations are too high and what is normal and not
I geniunely cannot trust my own judgement