Anxiety in relationships

[greyduvet41]

Advice please

I am in a fairly new relationship but gripped so badly by anxiety that I can't even trust my own gut or judgements

I was married to a narc .. thank god not for long but he destroyed me cheated emotionally abused me manipulative lied you name it and we had one DS

I have since struggled with self esteem self worth and trust

I took nearly 5 years rebuilding myself to even get to a point where I could seriously consider dating

I'm nearly 6 months into new relationship
He has subsequently met my son (happened by chance not planned) and they are amazing together and he wants all the things that I want settle down children in the future etc

I struggle to trust
I overthink overanalyse and always worry that he will finish things

I worry if I see him enough .. if I'm good enough

It hasn't been easy to adjust to a new person he's very laid back and last minute at times whereas I am OCD this has caused a few rows
He was very cagey about new relationship from his own past experiences
This did come to a head where I offered to walk away and he said he didn't want things to end

He has had work stresses and I take it personally when he is quiet or having space to
Himself and think that it is me or he is going to end things

On the flip side he makes me super happy when I am with him

I am just terrified I am going to ruin it and how to relax and struggle to take him for his word

Have tried cbd oil .. natural supplements (I don't personally want to be medicated by gp) and tried CBT

I can't go on feeling like this I am
So up and down I worry I am
Driving my
Own friends demented with my issues

Please help

Boiled frog this is why I struggle because I think trust my gut
But I overthink and overanalyse all part of my anxiety so sometimes get it super wrong I can go from 0-100 quite quickly

Have you tried psychotherapy, OP? Not CBT - which is very effective for a pretty narrow set of issues, but not so great for things which have their origins in childhood. If not, then it is worth considering seriously. If you're not interested, that's also worth being interested in too.

I'm not familiar with that would you say that's a good thing to try
I would do anything not to feel like this
On the surface people think I'm so well put together but I am driving myself crazy

I would say it is one of the best things to try.

BUT: it's not a short commitment. It's not a short course of CBT. The NHS might pay for short-term psychotherapy (if you're in the UK), but otherwise you would need to pay for it, and given what you've written, I'd say you'd be in therapy for years, not months or weeks. (I have been in therapy for about 15 years, but that's because I do view it as a form of practise now - I am studying in a field that is connected.)

Most people want quick fixes. There's no such thing, imo. But if you're looking for something that has a good chance of bringing about change, you can do a lot, lot worse. It's just that you've got to want it enough.

The good news: there are places and therapists that offer sliding scale fees - some as little as £10 per session depending on where you are.

Definitely something to look into
I had cbt treatment and the therapist pin pointed that a lot of my fears relate back to abandonment feelings from my father as a child
(He was useless still is)
It frightened me half to death and I never went back
What scares me is my mind can go so quick that I can't control it and I spend hours trying to dissect what I'm thinking to get a logical or analysed enough answer

Then what I'd recommend is psychoanalytical psychotherapy. A couch may be involved, but possibly not immediately. Some people sneer at the couch as a cliché, but there's a very good reason for it: it helps to take you out of your mind enough for the truth to reveal itself.

That in itself may feel like a very scary prospect - it certainly was for me - but I found a therapist with whom I have built a very strong level of trust and regard, and that, imo, is everything, really. It's the foundation on which the whole thing rests.

When choosing your therapist (if you do choose one, that is), it might be a good idea to see if you have an intuitive, rather than an analytical/intellectual, response to them. Trust your intuitive response more. I have a feeling your intellect will tell you not to go there, no matter how beneficial therapy might be. It did with the CBT, after all, and very effectively.

Choose someone registered with the UKCP or the BACP. And, yeah, go with your gut - and you have to feel safe.

I suffer with a similar thing within my relationship and it has, at times, caused issues.

I would look up relationship styles and in particular Anxious Attachment.

For me, counselling has been essential to try and overcome this and in the short term it has become worse as I have dredged up old feelings from previous relationships and childhood. But I know that by sticking with it I will learn why I feel that way and will learn to control it.

But also - my therapist taught me that anxiety doesn't exist in a vacuum. it is there for a reason. It might be genuine fear or something that is happening that you are only vaguely aware of. She asked me to simply live with the feeling and to analyse it. To write down my fears and where I think they are coming from. Getting the feelings out of my head and onto paper really helps - it stops me from running to my partner and blaming him for how I am feeling.

But equally, your partner may be partially to blame. there may be things he does that legitimately add to your anxiety and you are within your rights to question them and ask for him to stop. But only if you are sure they are reasonable.

I hope this helps - because I know how awful it is to feel this way. You think you are me very going to be able to have a normal relationship without feeling anxiety every time they do something vaguely lie your ex or your dad or whoever. But I believe it can be fixed.