Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating- would these things bother you?

28 replies

AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx · 10/06/2018 14:56

I'm new to dating again after the end of a LTR that blew up last year. I've had three dates with this guy, and though I want to see him again I think, I'm unsure whether I should.

I'm aware I'm probably still "in recovery" from broken heart, so just wondering what others think.

In terms of what's good-- he is/seems very sweet, genuine and romantic. He's good looking and a great kisser. We have a lot in common in terms of shared values and interests. It feels natural to hang out with him and as though we've known each other for a while. It's also tbh a lovely ego boost to be with someone who seems very keen.

What's concerning me--he's very intense. He's told me he really likes me and is talking about the future too much. I don't know if my still being hurt from ex is affecting how I'd feel about this normally. More importantly, he's never had a long term relationship, and although he's in his 30s he's never slept with anyone (went to all boys boarding school then says he never wanted one night stands.) He also has OCD, which means he finds sex tricky due to the loss of control. We did end up sleeping together on 3rd date and obviously it was awkward and not very good as it was his first time! I wonder if he's very into the idea of being in love/having a girlfriend rather than me specifically really, in the same way a teenager who's never had a girlfriend would be.

On the one hand I'm aware that everyone comes with baggage, and was prepared for that going back to dating, but of the "ex wife and children" variety rather than this. I do like that he's been totally honest about all of this (my ex was a terrible communicator and simply lied about lots of things.) He's got a very successful career and seems like an interesting passionate guy. I do fancy him, and we could work on the sex, but...are these red flags, do you think?

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 10/06/2018 15:25

Personally I wouldn’t

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2018 15:32

I would walk away from him now before you become even more over invested and or hurt.

Your radar for men needs further resetting; twat men can and will pick up on your vulnerabilities here and you need time and space on your own to further recovery. As you say you are still in recovery from having a broken heart. Your boundaries also need further working on.

There are red flags about this man that you ignore or minimise here at your emotional peril. He being intense towards you and talking about the future already are red flags and that to me suggests he has very poor boundaries.

DustyTheBin · 10/06/2018 15:41

I would carry on seeing him but tell him you need to slow everything down especially regarding talking about the future.

LiteraryDevil1 · 10/06/2018 15:47

Christ. I'd run for the hills.

LB2203 · 10/06/2018 15:50

I agree with the first two replies. You are right to be concerned and I would be ending it.

In context, and taken with the significant red flags here, I would also be extremely sceptical about aspects of his "story". It feels off and manipulative to me.

Original poster
AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx · 10/06/2018 15:56

Thanks for replies. What do you think is biggest concern/ what is manipulative? I’m not sure what he’s getting out of it if it is fibs, as surely OCD/virginity is more likely to turn women off than not?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/06/2018 15:56

Just be very careful and take it slowly! Never had sex even though in his 30s?! It's a big jump from that to now talking about the future! Have you met his friends? Parents? Is he gay? I wouldn't rule it out at this stage, but don't go rushing into anything. Good luck!

Original poster
AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx · 10/06/2018 15:59

I was surprised too as (although I know this is subjective to a point) he’s gorgeous.

No I haven’t met anyone in his life. Wouldn’t want to yet nor would I introduce him to my lot this soon.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 10/06/2018 16:03

Being too intense and talking about the future beyond the next date or two after 3 dates is a big red flag. Although someone who hasn't had s relationship wont be as "rule" savvy so might just be going with how he feels.
I agree with pp about you needing to tune your radar and making sure you have good boundaries. Read about future faking and love bombing and see if any of it resonates.

Murane · 10/06/2018 16:16

It sounds to me like he really likes you. Especially since he waited till 30 to have sex and decided to do it with you. Someone who hasn't had sex before is likely to see that as a serious step and a big investment in the relationship, which is perhaps why he's taking it so seriously. I'm a big believer that when you meet the right person who clicks with you then you know it. In the past I've loved a "right" person more within 24 hours of meeting them than I've loved a "wrong" person after dating for two years.

Personally if I liked the guy I'd give him a chance and explain that I needed to take it more slowly. Being too keen isn't a disadvantage to me. And obviously nobody is great at sex the first time - it takes practice!

If you do dump him, prepare for him to be devastated and possibly clingy - he's waited so long to have sex, he is probably really invested in your relationship, and being dumped after first sex is heartbreaking for most people.

C0untDucku1a · 10/06/2018 16:18

Run away. He is coming on too string with No substance. These people cannot be trusted.

LuluBellaBlue · 10/06/2018 16:44

Sorry but the losing Virginity sounds like BS - his excuse for not being good in bed (over too soon??) and part of a love bombing tactic, it makes you feel special that he’s waited 15 (?) plus years and suddenly 3 dates in and you’re that special one.

Murane · 10/06/2018 16:58

Why is it not believable that someone might genuinely be 30 and a virgin?

Chocolate1984 · 10/06/2018 17:02

I think a virgin in his 30s is believable. What I don't think is believable is willing to have sex after 3 dates. Especially if it's due to OCD.

Dieu · 10/06/2018 17:02

Weird. So he hasn't had sex in his life ever, and yet is happy to do the deed as early as Date 3?

Please OP, beware early intensity. The guys who come on strong at the start are the ones - believe it or not - who find it the easiest to walk away when you/the relationship is no longer living up to their expectations.

Plus, I always get the feeling that they might be like this with anyone who'd put up with them who came along, rather than you specifically. It's the idea of it more than anything, which makes it harder for them to live in the real world, and deal with any normal relationship issues that come up along the way.

A slow burner tends to work out best.

LB2203 · 10/06/2018 17:07

Agree with the count and Lulu.

  • Love bombing
  • Moving way too fast, pulling you off into the future before you can adequately assess the present (tbh I would consider this enough of a red flag on its own to walk away)
  • Intensity so soon
  • Exactly what LBB said on the back story. I know lots of people with OCD. If it had stopped him from having sex until his 30s that would be a bit of a miracle cure situation for him to overcome it in 3 dates with you. It sounds manipulative and reeks of love bombing - "I must be special, we must be meant for each other" etc
  • did his backstory make you feel sorry for him?
  • the whole thing about making a point of not wanting one night stands, telling you he's a [troubled] virgin, then sleeping with you after 3 dates (esp with the whole OCD angle) combined with the fact that within the first 3 dates he's already rushing off into the future with you. It's a way of tying you to him and cementing the idea that what he's telling you is true.
  • all of the above combined with the fact that you are identifiably vulnerable. The fact that you've commented yourself that it's a bit of an ego boost in your circumstances to be with someone so keen makes me more uneasy about the love bombing etc - it's an ideal tactic tailored to you in those circs.

I'd also be curious to know what it is about him that makes you describe him as "romantic".

PolkaHots · 10/06/2018 17:08

Do you believe that he’s a virgin?

Because it would be a bit off to sleep with someone who’s a virgin and then dump them straight after.

It seems unlikely to me that a virgin would sleep with some random off tinternet without a bit more of a preamble than this.

LiteraryDevil1 · 10/06/2018 17:08

How long have you known him/been chatting etc?
I know my first response was to run and I stick by that if your gut is trying to tell you something but I can sometimes be a bit too enthusiastic on the "run!" because I wish I had when people told me to.

Browniebaker · 10/06/2018 17:09

Has he actually been in contact with you since you had sex? Id be surprised if he contacted you again, sounds like it was all lines to get you into bed.

Oddcat · 10/06/2018 17:12

A new relationship shouldn't make you feel concerned . Listen to your gut .

AsleepAllDay · 10/06/2018 17:18

The future part gets me more than the being a virgin

Some of us are very very late bloomers with a huge range of factors - could be trauma, religion etc. If you feel attracted to/interested in him physically than by all means continue the sex while knowing it'll be a learning curve for him & will take time to improve - it will be obvious to you if you fancy him enough to continue. I would if he is getting some help for his OCD and I really liked him

OP look up Future Fakers / Fast Forwarders. These people, usually emotionally available men, promise a lot upfront and then back away with no intention of delivering. Intensity has a limit, if he's making you uncomfortable with the plans he is making or the things he is suggesting then can it

I think men especially fall victim to promising the moon and the stars as a means to an end. I dated my last one very briefly last year and I should have heard alarm bells on the first date because he was already talking the long game and we had only met an hour before. Luckily he didn't stick around

And it doesn't have to be malicious why he's doing it, but if he is too intense or the pace is not working for you, you have every right to step back from him & not invest more time. He already sounds a bit like a project re his mental health so this would be a third strike if he is making you feel concerned

LB2203 · 10/06/2018 17:18

In isolation, I would have no issue believing someone was a virgin in their 30s. I don't consider that alone to be remarkable or a red flag. But combined with the rest it just seems part of love bombing to convince you you're special, so you don't question the things that leave you concerned.

All of that combined with the OCD stuff as I said before, against one night stands but sleeping with you on date 3... No. It doesn't ring true.

I'm speaking from experience. I fell for a very similar tactic when I was much younger. He also rushed off into the future very rapidly. He wasn't a virgin. He gave me an STD. He went on to put me through much worse.

Older, wiser, have educated myself on this subject. Sharing to illustrate I'm not catastrophising about some hypothetical thing that would never happen in real life. It does. I'm not the only one.

HollowTalk · 10/06/2018 17:19

Let's assume what he says is true for a moment. Why would you sleep with him if you were unsure you wanted to see him again, when you knew he didn't want a one-night stand?

AsleepAllDay · 10/06/2018 17:19

*emotionally unavailable men. If they were available it wouldn't be a problem!

LB2203 · 10/06/2018 17:21

A new relationship shouldn't make you feel concerned . Listen to your gut .

This with bells on.