Boyfriend cheating with escorts

[Daisyblue101]

We have been together for 3.5 years. He's 42 and I'm 10 years younger. No kids or mortgage together.

October last year I found out he has been using escorts. (Had to access his email to check Sainsbury's home delivery and found a dodgy email from one of working girls.) I managed to gather a fair amount of information however, no 100proc evidence. His text to them asking where they based or what service they offer etc. Obviously was devastated and was blaming myself, even tried to wear sexy lingerie and showed more initiative in bed, sent him dirty pictures. I didn't confront him for about 1.5 months because had some serious deadlines and he was depressed so didn't want to spin situation out of control.

Where I mentioned it to him (yes, I onlyentioned not wanting to hurt his feelings) he denied it.. left to travel with work and got me flowers on return.

I didn't have strength to bring up the topic again. I still don't. He can get emotionally abusive very quickly. I don't know how to force myself to bring it up. I believe he feels he's in a situation where he can cheat on me be abusive and get away with it. I don't see the future in this relationship if we don't talk about the cheating and abuse problem. I can't come to terms with leaving him either even I know I should.

It's hard. Has anyone been in a situation like this and how shall I force myself to change things. It's not good just let things like that happen without any consequences.

@DianaT1969

You seem to love to talk OP.
Would you want to reason with a stranger who in the street who ramdomly hits you and grabs your bag? Find out what motivated him?How about a stranger who breaks into you home? Would you want to chat and find out the cause?

^^ this

Normally I'm very sympathetic to OPs, but I'll admit to just being irritated with all this fucking whinging. "He's abusive and uses prostitutes but I just can't leave." "I feel I need to be fair to him and have a cosy chat about it all, though he'll probably assault me".

Stay and have a chat. That will solve it all.

Get the fuck out of there.

Why is your self esteem so shit that you'd rather put up with this than be on your own?

Seriously. That's what you should be asking yourself.
Stop pontificating. This isn't some great love story. He's a disgusting abusive creep. Get out.

Don't waste your breath talking about it with him. Just end it and be glad you have no children with him.

He really isn't worth it and you just need to know that.

The only way I can see leaving him is to wait when he's away for a weekend and do all the packing then to avoid all the abuse I would potentially

Sounds absolutely perfect to me.

He's abusive. He shags prostitutes. What are you waiting for, a broken nose? In the nicest way possible, you are 32 not 19. You are a big girl, and it's time to stand up for yourself and leave this cheating dickhead.

If you want any chance of meeting a good guy and having kids, NOW is the time to act. Now, when you are 32, not when you are 42.

Talking won’t achieve anything, it’s just putting off the inevitable. What on earth do you think a chat will solve? I expect he’ll only gaslight you and try and blame you anyway. Do you really think he’s going to say ‘sorry you’re right, shouldn’t have done that’.

You don’t need proof, you have nothing to tie yourself to this man so leave now. Do it when he’s out and then block him so he can’t contact you as I doubt he will make this easy.

Just re read what you have written. The only way you feel you can leave him is to do it on a weekend he’s away to avoid the abuse he’ll give you.

WHY would you want to be with someone like that? What do you love about someone who has zero respect or care for you?

Hi, please do whatever you need to do to leave this man, do it safely- get support if need be. Please do not stay with a man who uses sex workers.
Take it from one who knows, you DO NOT want to stay with a man like this and then 10 years on find yourself in this position but with so many more ties.

He’s sticking two fingers up at you & your relationship. Why put up with this? You’re never going to be enough for him

Seriously no beating around the bush - he has/is fucking multiple prostitutes behind your back, on top of that he's not even very nice to you. Pack a bag now - for him - and tell him to fuck off and do one. Or back yourself a bag and go, how can you see there being any other way?? Come on..... one little life is all we get, don't waste it on this.

I'm sorry op you need to leave him it doesn't matter they are escorts the fact is he is cheating

You need to leave asap (you say yourself that he's emotionally abusing you) & if you can't summon up the courage to do so, seek professional help as to why you can't leave an abuser. I've been there: is gruelling but worth it (I left, eventually). Stay and lose your sanity.

Thank you all for your comments and sharing your own personal experiences

The fact is that unfortunately he doesn't treat me very well and for some reasons (something I need to look at with therapist) I can't come to terms of leaving him.

However, I have the date in mind. I can do it. I need to look at this from practical perspective rather than emotional. And yes, waiting for my nose to be broken is not an answer.

It's actually terrifying reading comments and coming to realisation of the situation I am in.

I believe he feels he's in a situation where he can cheat on me be abusive and get away with it

He believes that because it's true. He is getting away with it isn't he?

He must think you're a fool. And laughing to himself about it, feeling mighty pleased with himself.

Does that image of him laughing up his sleeve help you think about leaving him?

Sorry I don't mean I think you're a fool. I know from experience how hard it is. Just that I bet he can't believe his luck that he's getting away with it. You need to get out

OP you seem to see love as you like a beaten dog trying to get a cruel master to change. Doesn't work like that.

A loving relationship involves profound mutual respect. You have nothing like that.

Get out as soon as you can. This is a trap and you're wasting your precious youth.

@another20 yes, I did speak to my close friends and therapist about it. I didn't disclose the extent the abuse can get to to any of them.

You need to do this to get their support.

Maybe they (or you) minimised the prostitutes bit - a once off? a lads trip? etc. because it is so gross.

Maybe is his nice / Mr Charming to the outside world and they think he is fine --- they really need to know what you are going through - they will pull you through if you tell them. Also the freedom programme and womans aid are there for a reason - for situations like yours.

LB's story is incredible and shows how you can break this down into little pieces, step by step to get out. LB you are amazing.

Can you list on here each of the practical steps you need to take and we can hold your hand to do one each day/week until you are out?

You have taken the first step - just take the next one.

@BitOutOfPractice yes, he is getting away with pretty much everything because he can. He is out of employment for now (his own conscious decision which I supported). So not only I put up with him whoring around and abusing me I also do my best to support him financially till he figures out what to do (not that is in need of financial support but I just think it's fair thing to do).

@prawnofthepartriarchy (great name btw!) Yes, the beaten dog picture is pretty accurate, I'm afraid.

@another20 yes, he is very charming and well presented. I disclosed the whoring and abuse to my friend. She keeps on telling me to get out now, but I doubt she realises that it might get me in dangerous situation. She said she'll stay with me while I pack. But that's just putting her in danger as well.

LB's story is a good example that things can change. I kept on re-reading it couple of times today.. it makes me feel bit better that I'm not capable to get out of the situation immediately.

This is all so classic that somehow I just can't believe it. It's like an example from a self-help book about abused women.

"Judith found out her husband was using prostitutes (which she was paying for). She didn't want to either confront him or leave, for fear he'd assault her. She thinks it would be unfair to leave without explaining in detail why she's made the decision. She's putting off leaving because she's afraid to tell him she's leaving, as he'll physically assault her."

Round and round the garden, like a teddy bear...

Please contact Womens Aid and enrol on their Freedom Programme.
You are having counselling so I'm assuming you are addressing these issues.
It's frustrating and heartbreaking to see what some women are prepared to put up with.
Please get out.
Do NOT delay.

If your partner is out of work is he home all day? Will you have an opportunity to pack things up?
If not maybe you can slowly start to sneak bits and pieces out of the house and store at your friend’s house. I.e. a couple of pieces of clothing a day with you to work, important documents. Clothes and bedding that need “dry cleaning”.
Please start planning your exit. Stay safe x

@Blondebakingmumma yes, he's at home most of the days or even if he goes somewhere I wouldn't necessary know in advance. Plus I stay in the office everyday pretty much. Security cameras are at home too so need to act smartly.

I'm working on my plan slowly. I'm changing jobs currently... Tomorrow have dental operation so will stay at home.. will pack up my important documents+jewelry. Get a set of clean clothing hidden in the car as well. Need to work out when can implement big escape yet. However, want to be ready in case if need to flee asap.

Security cameras are at home too so need to act smartly.

What does that mean? Are there security cameras in the house?

Yeah, these are just part of alarm system. We had some troubles outside the house so put in CCTV around home and there's one monitoring entrances inside too.