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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DM!!! Would you bother saying anything, or just leave it?

34 replies

RapunzelsRealMom · 10/06/2018 12:31

I'm genuinely looking for advice on how to handle this situation. I'm too close to it to trust my judgement right now.

Brief background: DM is very loving and generous, however has always had tendencies to overstep the mark and interfere. I won't go into detail but we have, over many years, had HUGE rows about this (although usually I just try to ignore and let it pass, managing situations so that they don't happen again).

We've just returned from holiday and, despite me asking her not to (I was VERY specific), I've found from neighbours that she was at our house more than once while we were away. The last time she was there she left bread and milk, which was kind but my suspicions side says just a way to cover for herself. I don't know how many times she was there. Also our burglar alarm for switched off. We are really annoyed about that as we don't know how long it was off for and can't trust her to tell us.

So dinner at hers this evening. Do I:

A) call her on it, she jumps to the defense (read OFFENSE) and we have a war on our hands

B) day nothing, let her away with it but inwardly seeth, then change the locks

Or C) something else completely

Just to add for context, she's not some lonely old dear - she has a happy marriage, lots of friends, hobbies, etc

OP posts:
Onlymee · 10/06/2018 12:36

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BoneThugs · 10/06/2018 12:42

If you can’t trust her to do what you ask her to, take your keys off her and problem solved. Just ask her for them back

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 10/06/2018 12:43

Agree you need to change the locks. Confrontation would I feel give her opportunity to delfact blame from inevitable row back to your corner!

Original poster
RapunzelsRealMom · 10/06/2018 12:46

Bone I agree about the key but, to be honest, I think that would cause just as big a fight. How dare I not trust her!! You know?

OP posts:
DragonBone · 10/06/2018 12:51

Just brazen it out ' thx for popping by and leaving the bread and milk ' bumped into a neighbour that said you popped in a few times - there really wasn't any need to but thx anyway.' .....and watch her squirm

Onlymee · 10/06/2018 13:00

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Original poster
RapunzelsRealMom · 10/06/2018 13:04

Only me Yes, I think that's the answer.

It's such a shame - she's so desperate to be close to us but her behaviour just makes us pull away from her. Then she calls me crying about how down she is because she hasn't seen us in four or five days!!! Wtf? It's always my fault!

All her friends see their grown up children and grandchildren 24/7. It's so unfair and unreasonable that she doesn't! Oh really?!?!

OP posts:
Onlymee · 10/06/2018 13:16

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Huskylover1 · 10/06/2018 13:23

Why did you give her a key, in the first place? What do you think she was doing there, on the visits that were before the food drop visit? I mean, what could she be doing? Obviously not cleaning, or you'd notice.

A way to prevent entry, without confrontation, would be to leave a key in the lock, on the inside (for the door she has a key to), and then exit via the other door, that she does not have a key to. Of course, this only works, if you have a front door and a back door!

GaraMedouar · 10/06/2018 13:34

Ah I empathise- i have an overly lovely mother too. I grit my teeth but am getting frustrated. It was ok until a year ago as she was occasional grandma. Since last year though she has helped with a couple of school runs so has been staying at ours 2 days a week. And helps out by doing stuff i don't want her to do, and brings groceries i don't want, despite repeatedly being told ' thank you very much but you don't need to, I don't want' etc etc.
So I have now got childcare for one of the days, but that hasn't solved the problem. The last time i asked nicely for her not to do something her answer was ' you can't stop me, I'll do it if i want to,' . She is so lovely though and is trying so hard to be nice and help etc, it's really difficult. I'm going to end up getting childcare for the other day but then she will practically never see grandkids and she enjoys her time with them and vice versa. But I'm getting so stressed.

another20 · 10/06/2018 13:57

Gara - a “lovely” mum wouldn’t ignore you repeatedly and trample on all your boundaries. OP actions are the way to go - but I would ALSO state ONCE what was happening and why in front of others calmly and factually - if she blows up stand calm and stony , you don’t have to escalate or submit. This would be very powerful for you. She will look an irrational dick if she kicks off.

Original poster
RapunzelsRealMom · 10/06/2018 14:02

Husky she's had a key for years (actually, she's always kept a spare key to any house I've had since I moved out). She used to help with childcare (we didn't ask her to or need her to, it was so that she could spend more alone time with the kids - I won't even go there as it's been done to death on mumsnet!!!)

My DM is one of those people who insist upon rules in general but OF COURSE rules don't apply to her 'tinkly laugh'. In all walks of life she seems to have got away with that too. I've never understood it. I'm the weird one for not letting her do exactly as she pleases. That's how she thinks!!

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/06/2018 14:30

I've got a key to my ds' house, which my Dil gave me. It comes in handy sometimes, but really I've got much better things to do with my time than let myself into their house and poke around! Hasn't your DM got anything better to do with her time?

Original poster
RapunzelsRealMom · 10/06/2018 14:43

You'd have thought so Single but obviously not.

I agree it's handy to have someone keep a spare, but it's not worth it when you can't trust the keyholder

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 10/06/2018 14:52

Change the lock, don't say anything, and when she asks about it (ie when she tries to get in and can't) just say very cheerfully that you're sorted and don't need her to have a spare key. Just keep repeating this. Don't bother having it out after the fact, just take steps to stop it happening any more.

sonjadog · 10/06/2018 15:03

Gara, is she "lovely" when she is telling you that she will ignore what you want in your own home and do what she likes?! I think you need to have a rethink on this one...

WeaselsRising · 10/06/2018 15:41

Sounds like my DM. Gets really really snotty when confronted with her unreasonableness. Like you we ignored for years to keep the peace, but it carries on. It's probably better in the long run to sort it out.

You could go down Dragonbone's suggestion of thanks for the bread and milk, btw... and go on to say you were worried/concerned/annoyed that the alarm had been turned off.

I wouldn't just leave it or you know she'll do it again.

bonnyshide · 10/06/2018 16:17

Get the locks changed. Tell her you or DH lost your house key and are worried about security so thought it best to get new locks.

'Forget' to give her a copy or say 'not to worry, neighbour has a spare for emergencies'

GaraMedouar · 10/06/2018 16:30

another20 and sonjadog I know what you are saying, but it's really hard. She's such a giver (even if you don't want it) , a bit l like Mrs Doyle in Father Ted always trying to force cups of tea on guests 'go on, go on, go on'. She didn't try and interfere when i was with my ExP but when he left me she started helping out with childcare and is trying to be mum, and force that role. I want her back to being Grandma. She is very supportive but too much, and it's claustrophobic.

OP - I would try the saying thanks for the bread and milk but neighbour says they saw you a few times, was there a problem? But it will be difficult to get the key back without causing offence. Which i know you don't want . Your mum sounds like mine where her heart is in the right place but it's just one level too much!

Handsfull13 · 10/06/2018 16:41

Change the locks and the security code. Then buy an outdoor combination lock box and put a spare key there. In a true emergency you will have spoken your mum to ask her to go to the house which you would then give her the code for. Also means if she isn't about you can ask someone else to do it.

Wait til she brings up that her key doesn't work anymore. You can then have the conversation about having an outdoor key so she doesn't have to worry anymore. She will pout but you can say it's part of your insurance deal.

Original poster
RapunzelsRealMom · 10/06/2018 18:34

Thanks all. Some good ideas.

I didn't confront her at dinner. I couldn't face the fallout.

We're going to change the locks and alarm code then, if it comes up in conversation, I'll say that we lost keys and were advised to change locks. Then I'll ask what on earth she was doing trying to get in our house without us knowing!

OP posts:
another20 · 10/06/2018 18:43

Gara - your Mum might be co-dep.....if she is forcing herself on you despite you being clear you dont WANT or NEED her help (interference) then she is doing this for her own personal gratification and not yours, which is selfish, overbearing, disrespectful and shows no boundaries.

another20 · 10/06/2018 18:44

That's progress OP, well done. What other things does she do that oversteps the mark and what can you put in place to block this?

OliviaBenson · 10/06/2018 18:52

In the meantime leave some Australian emigration forms around like one MN did when her MIL was snooping.....

MyKingdomForBrie · 10/06/2018 19:30

Change the locks, don’t mention it til she tries to get in then just say ‘oh I haven’t got a spare key to give you at the moment’ and repeat.

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