DM!!! Would you bother saying anything, or just leave it?

[RapunzelsRealMom]

I'm genuinely looking for advice on how to handle this situation. I'm too close to it to trust my judgement right now.

Brief background: DM is very loving and generous, however has always had tendencies to overstep the mark and interfere. I won't go into detail but we have, over many years, had HUGE rows about this (although usually I just try to ignore and let it pass, managing situations so that they don't happen again).

We've just returned from holiday and, despite me asking her not to (I was VERY specific), I've found from neighbours that she was at our house more than once while we were away. The last time she was there she left bread and milk, which was kind but my suspicions side says just a way to cover for herself. I don't know how many times she was there. Also our burglar alarm for switched off. We are really annoyed about that as we don't know how long it was off for and can't trust her to tell us.

So dinner at hers this evening. Do I:

A) call her on it, she jumps to the defense (read OFFENSE) and we have a war on our hands

B) day nothing, let her away with it but inwardly seeth, then change the locks

Or C) something else completely

Just to add for context, she's not some lonely old dear - she has a happy marriage, lots of friends, hobbies, etc

I wouldn't have confronted her either, but the next time she tried to get in and couldn't, I would just say 'we've had to change the locks and alarm code because you've been letting yourself in without our agreement and you've left the alarm off invalidating the house insurance'

Ooh OP - good for you changing the locks. Wonder what she'll say next time she tries to get in!

another20 -you're right, my DM does get pleasure from giving, she sort of feeds off it. It's just I'd never really noticed as much in the past as i always lived apart from her with my ExP, and we just'visited'. Just this last year since I've been separated, and i'm late forties, haven't lived at home for 30 years! Definitely boundary issues. She wants to be needed and loved ( and she's now a widow so no one at home to focus her love and attention on). She even once asked DD who she loved most, Mummy or Grandma , I was shocked, it's not a competition!

eeeekkk Gara some of these 'do-gooders' are manipulative and have an agenda - that's a shocking thing to have done to your DD....

I do wonder what will happen when she finds out, but I honestly don't think she'd say. It'll drive her crazy but she'll never admit she's tried to get in. She'll make something up to find out what's happened. We'll see...

Thanks all

If you change the locks surely you'll have to tell her at some stage. If you don't tell her then she may well try to use her key in the new lock which would presumably set off the alarm and that would be super awkward.

Heyday Our alarm doesn't work like that so only awkward when she admits she's tried to gain entry without permission, which I don't think she will.

I think if she won’t admit trying to get in after you’ve changed the locks, you should refuse to admit changing them. You’ll need to never leave your keys around so that she can ‘notice’ that you’ve got a new shiny one or whatever humbug line she’s likely to try. But definitely play her at own game - if she’s not admitting thing, why should you?

I think you could easily have spoken to her about the alarm being off at least! She treats you like a child because you act like a child (deferring to her, keeping the peace) when you are around her. Lying or pretending to change the locks for other reasons is silly. She'll know you are lying too. Let her be fed up and upset with you ... what's the worst that could happen? She'll get over it because her relationship with you and the dgc is important to her.

Cousin You are right, I don't disagree but I'm not quite ready for that.

I have defiantly held my ground in the past and it has only succeeded in 'almost giving her a nervous breakdown' (yes, I know that's not true and just her over dramatisation but it's very upsetting when she does this and genuinely believes her own hype - and no one else has the balls to disagree with her).

I'm going to bury my head in the sand for this one