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Original poster

Does your partner compliment you?

50 replies

PlaymobilPirate · 10/06/2018 08:48

My dp doesn't. Ever.

I love him, we have a nice life, a ds we adore etc but I'm in the spare room having cried My self to sleep because I just feel wretched.

I'm not pretty... never been a looker. It's something I'm well aware of but I'd hope I'd be pretty to him. He's never commented on my looks / said I'm beautiful or pretty. Ever.

I've recently lost 2 stone. I'm still 2 away from target but other people have said I'm looking good etc. Not dp

We had a row last night and I've told him (again) how this has shattered my confidence over the years. I'm needy and I know it... it's not nice feeling desperate for a crumb of a compliment.

Am I ridiculous? I know it's not his job to make me feel good about myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 10/06/2018 09:05

Just to add... I do compliment him. I tell him he's handsome, tell him his cheekbones are to die for and that his bottom is a peach.

OP posts:
LegallyBronde · 10/06/2018 09:23

First OP - Congraulations on losing 2.5 stone. That's amazing.

Does he ever have anything nice to say about anybody? I found some people are a bit jealous of everyone and can't bring themselves to say something positive about anyone or anything?

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 10/06/2018 09:26

Thanks.

No, not that I can recall. He doesn't call me names or say horrible things. Just nothing nice either.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 10/06/2018 09:27

Sorry... I misread, thought you said does he say anything nice about me !

Erm... not really about others either. I've never thought of that.

OP posts:
numptynuts · 10/06/2018 09:34

Stop complimenting him. See if he notices. He probably takes it for granted.

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 10/06/2018 09:38

He wouldnt notice I don't think. He's not big on feelings etc. We've had this argument a few times over the years. Each time I feel a bit more pathetic.

OP posts:
blondeemily · 10/06/2018 09:39

LegallyBronde is right about the jealousy thing. Also ties on with what I was going to say about insecurity. I was looking into this once and apparently some partners don't compliment because they don't believe they are good enough for you and therefore don't want to risk you realising this for yourself Confused May make sense with you, especially due to your recent weight loss.
My partner barely ever compliments me either. And when he does I feel like it's because he feels it's his job rather than him actually meaning it!

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 10/06/2018 09:49

We've been together 9 years Blond. Only lost weight this year...

Does it bother you that your partner doesn't either? I hate that I'm so desperate for him to. My friend was moaning about her weight the other day but said 'obviously dh tells me I'm beautiful though so I musnt be too bad" I'm so jealous... and it's the 'obviously' bit that hurts most. Does that mske sense?

OP posts:
frasier · 10/06/2018 09:55

My DH was brought up with a “crab pot” mentality. Everyone out for themselves. MIL believed if someone says that their daughter is pretty, it takes prettiness away from her daughter! I kid you not! She honestly believes there is only enough good stuff, whatever that may be, to go around.

So, DH rarely compliments anything. You have to ask him what he thinks and then he’ll give an opinion. Not just me, food, holidays, hotels, anything.

The ILs criticise everyone and everything in the hope they elevate themselves and people “do better” next time.

blondeemily · 10/06/2018 09:56

I meant that may make sense as to why he hasn't complimented you on your weight loss really.

Yes it used to bother me, hence me looking up possible reasons for it Grin It doesn't worry me so much anymore. Men are different to us and don't "get" the need to actually say how they feel. They are more likely to show how they feel through actions. Can you think of things he does which show he finds you attractive?

frasier · 10/06/2018 10:01

That should say “ to try and make people do better next time”.

This is actually what MIL says about restaurant staff etc. She will find fault so they “serve her better”.

CountFosco · 10/06/2018 10:04

It does make sense. DH compliments me the whole time and I him. I think we're pretty evenly matched though and TBH I think most couples are really, even if some people don't have the confidence to see it for themselves.

What are his family like? My grandparents weren't big on compliments, and that continued to a lesser degree with my parents. I tell the kids all the time how much I love them, how proud I am of them, how amazing I think they are etc etc. Although I think you can feel loved without it being declared, I knew my Dad's love for me was absolutely unconditional even though he never used those words.

DH's family are almost too far the other way: MIL never tells a story where the participants are anything less than extraordinary, the food is Michelin starred, the weather is perfect and the setting a World Heritage Site Grin.

I think you have to try to work out if you feel loved enough from his actions that the lack of words don't matter. But he needs to respond to you telling him you'd like compliments by coming up with the goods a bit more. Not sure how you address that outside therapy though.

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 10/06/2018 10:13

His mum says nice things. His dad not so much but he's quiet anyway.

I don't feel attractive, no. He doesn't flirt, there's no naughty innuendo or anything. He's the laid back type and I think, just can't be arsed.

OP posts:
Slanetylor · 10/06/2018 10:17

Well you shouldn’t be crying yourself to sleep over what is essentially his problem, not yours. Well done on your weight loss! Go you!!!
He’s not big into feelings, doesn’t flirt, his dad is the quiet type. I wonder is there a few traits of ASD here? Some people with ASD do not do compliments.

daisychain01 · 10/06/2018 10:19

It can go one of two ways.

Either the person lacks self-confidence and cannot bring themselves to compliment others.

Or they are super-confident themselves, perhaps good looking or talented and are so used to having the love and attention directed towards them, they feel zero need to pay forward and show any appreciation or recognition of others' attributes, either looks-wise or something they've achieved (eg I'm so proud of you getting that job/running 5K round the park/passing that exam).

The converse may be true - when someone feels comfortable in their skin, no hangups, it can go hand in glove with confidence in showing appreciation and expressing compliments.

He's not big on feelings how did things work when you first started dating? How far into the relationship did you notice him not making positive comments to you? 9 years into the relationship feels to me like he's never going to change, you've probably realised that. The point is, to what extent is this a deal-breaker? I dated someone once who was the blue eyed boy in his family and it made him an emotional island, he needed nothing, but gave nothing. It ended up being a dealbreaker, he was too aloof, whereas to me, 2-way feedback enriches the relationship.

daisychain01 · 10/06/2018 10:21

He's the laid back type

= emotionally lazy

motherlondon · 10/06/2018 10:24

My ex never did. It wears you down. He was fine making comments about other women and celebrities though....
I look through photos now, say soon after having babies etc and I look fine, but at the time I would have thought I was Quasimodo.
I have no photos of me pregnant and very very few of me with my kids.
Am with someone now who compliments and he asked the other day, 'has no one ever said anything nice to you?'. Nup.
Read the 5 love languages and maybe you will see that your husband shows love in a different way.

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 10/06/2018 10:24

I think it's a deal breaker BUT I don't want to break up... ds is happy etc. I told him last night I feel like we're at the 'I've made my bed...' stage.

I feel like I need to just accept this is how it is because otherwise life is good. The downside is my self esteem is zero.

It's always been this way. I think it was hidden in the beginning as there was loads of sex so I felt wanted etc.The actions spoke loudly so no need for words. Now - not so much so I don't really feel desired.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 10/06/2018 11:05

So the weight you've lost. (Well done!) At the beginning of the relationship you were bigger than you are now? So it's possible you're no longer his physical type?

Sorry if you've answered this. I have a laptop which randomly decides which keys will work.

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 10/06/2018 11:10

No, I'm about the same size as I was at the beginning. I put on weight when pregnant 6 years ago. He never criticised my weight gain... but he's not commented on my loss either.

He's just neutral. For want of a better word.

The poster who said he's emotionally lazy is spot on.

OP posts:
Robin233 · 10/06/2018 12:35

I think it comes down ti how YOU feel about yourself.
If I felt unattractive wouldn't really matter what any one says.
When I'm feel attractive- I know it. I feel better inside and it shows on the outside.
Do you ask him ' do I look nice '

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 10/06/2018 12:54

I don't really feel nice. I've not bought any clothes since I lost weight. I've worn a couple of things which definitely look better now I've lost weight on nights out but he's never even flickered.

I used to be confident. I tho k we've had this conversation so many times it's knocked it out of me. He says 'I want you to be happy' when I'm upset about it but nothing really changed.

After the last upset he said 'you look gorgeous darling' in a shitty, theatrical way when I got dressed to go out about 3 weeks later.

I sometimes look at him and think 'wow, you look lovely' and SAY it... just on a normal day etc. It's this that I want / need. Genuine comments. I'm never going to get that from him so I suppose the question is :how do i stop needing it?

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 10/06/2018 13:09

Remember you have every right to have your needs fulfilled. If you aren't getting what you need then you try to sort things out, to give the other person fair chance to meet you half way towards your needs being met.

You've done that.

And he just doesn't get it, his response showed that in spades. All he did was minimise your need, pat you on the head with his humiliating play-acting as if to say "here you are lovey. Happy now?"

If he could give half a damn, he would have thought about the relationship and his role in making it work. Just to be clear, nobody is responsible for your happiness only you. But a relationship should enhance your happiness and if you're left feeling empty, unloved and lacking in any joy or fulfilment, it's time to question how long you want to stay in it. Life ain't a rehearsal, as they say, you're living it now.

Slanetylor · 10/06/2018 13:12

Well you’re human. Do you ever stop needing reassurance? I was with someone who never complimented me either. It really damaged me. But he was an ass in other ways too. I recently saw pictures of me on holidays during that time. I was slim ( size 6 to 8) tanned, so beautiful. And he made me feel awful. I’m twice that size now, pale and bloated but with someone who compliments me. It’s never about you.

daisychain01 · 10/06/2018 13:17

Start dressing to please you don't put your life on hold waiting for him to notice or approve, it won't happen.

Why not treat yourself to a couple of new items, try a bit of different makeup if that's your thing - you don't need to spend a lot of money, but when you look in the mirror at how good you look nowadays, allow yourself to feel proud.