Does your partner compliment you?

[PlaymobilPirate]

My dp doesn't. Ever.

I love him, we have a nice life, a ds we adore etc but I'm in the spare room having cried My self to sleep because I just feel wretched.

I'm not pretty... never been a looker. It's something I'm well aware of but I'd hope I'd be pretty to him. He's never commented on my looks / said I'm beautiful or pretty. Ever.

I've recently lost 2 stone. I'm still 2 away from target but other people have said I'm looking good etc. Not dp

We had a row last night and I've told him (again) how this has shattered my confidence over the years. I'm needy and I know it... it's not nice feeling desperate for a crumb of a compliment.

Am I ridiculous? I know it's not his job to make me feel good about myself.

This is my partner. No compliments and doesn't really seem to desire me either. Hates snogging and has a low sex drive.
We have sex about once a year and other than that it's a friendly hug/peck/ pat on the head (seriously).
I'm ending it but am only fully realising now it's not me, it's him. He'll never change. My self esteem is in tatters but I'll get that back I hope. I think I've had more compliments from the cleaner at work/postman/ next door neighbour's child/ insert random person here in the last year than I've had from him in a decade.
Sorry to hear you're going through this too

Oh Daisy you made me cry x

I've asked him to take ds out so I can think. I need an overhaul I think. The weightloss has slowed right down (I think because I've been doing it for the wrong reasons. It nerds to be for me really doesn't it?)

I've tried buying new. Most nights I add stuff to online shopping baskets, think I'll look shit (I probably will... I'm not super skint but I'm one if those people who filters for cheapest first and buys shit clothes which then look shit...)

Sorry... I'm not a negative Nancy all the time. My colleagues would be amazed as I'm confident (although badly dressed etc) at work.

Eyelash. It's would destroying isn't it?

DP says he loves me and is affectionate - cuddles etc it's just this that's crushing me.

I'm the opposite of vain so it's not like I'm expecting 'OMG you look hot' etc. Just a 'you look pretty today' or 'the boobs are looking tip top in that' would be amazing!

Men are different to us and don't "get" the need to actually say how they feel

I am on the receiving end of verbal compliments from my partner, but he also communicates that he thinks highly of me by touch, a look, a smile etc.
OP are you getting any of that? You mentioned that when you first started dating you were having a lot of sex, has that changed too? I just wonder if your hurt is about more than just compliments and actually related to feeling emotionally unfulfilled in your relationship.

I don't feel attractive, no. He doesn't flirt, there's no naughty innuendo or anything. He's the laid back type and I think, just can't be arsed

Have you considered that he just might not be the type for compliments? That it's not him; and therefore when he tries, it will come across as fair to you both?

It would be nice if he did - but if this is essential to you; you've picked the wrong man. You're not compatible, in that case.

I'm worried that you need this from him so much. Has your confidence always been this low? Start doing things for you. Your confidence needs to come from within. You can't rely on him, or anyone else, to constantly prop it up for you - I've tried that; you'll end up feeling wretched, like you do now.

Some people just aren't naturally complimentary. I have friends who are the same; it's not just men.

Dress for yourself. Get a stylist at a big store and go all out.
Someone mentioned The 5 Love Languages which is worth looking at eg does he show love by making you a cup of tea or hoovering the house but thats not what you need. Does he happily spend time with you..arrange stuff ..listen to your day . These are all ways of showing love. My dh compliments me regularly..we are late 50s but his family were great for compliments and my mil always admired my clothes my hair etc. Maybe your dh never learnt that.
Most important first before you give up on your relationship is to have confident in yourself. So some counselling to look at childhood self image and then take it from there.

Sex isn't often but when we do it's good.

No, I used to be really confident. I've had relationships before though and (even the shitty ones) have said nice things to me though which has helped with confidence in the past.

I can't imagine never looking at a partner and thinking 'you look handsome / lovely today' though

In a way it doesn't matter if he's not the "type" to compliment - it is making you unhappy. If he cherished you he should want to work on making you happier. How hard is it to say something kind every so often? He should be able to overcome his personality/conditioning whatever to do his small kindness for you. You've explained what's wrong to him - is he going to work on it? Is this man your friend, does he have your best interests at heart?

In a way it doesn't matter if he's not the "type" to compliment - it is making you unhappy. If he cherished you he should want to work on making you happier

That makes sense, if you're thinking logically. Realistically, this is going to be the same as trying to change anything else about someone - he'll be capable of putting the effort in to do it initially; but it's very unlikely to ever become natural. Sometimes it does, but generally, you're better to accept people as they are and not expect them to make big personality changes - that way; you don't set yourself up for heartache.

I honestly think the only options here are either working on your own confidence, so this doesn't bother you - I presume it didn't bother you before, because you stayed with him - or seriously considering if this is too big to get past.

Do you ever ask him "what do you think of this dress?" Or "what do you think of my look today?" Or something? If not, perhaps that'll be a prompt for him to say something lovely and he'll get into the flow. If so - how does he tend to react?

This topic of conversation came up a second time in the space of week whilst out with friends (couples) last night.

DH and are very tactile and often pay each compliments weekly, however, we seem to be a minority within our friendship groups with almost all the other couples, at least one half of the couple, not prone to showing affection or compliments, even in their own homes and don’t like to.

I guess what I’m saying is, that it isn’t uncommon but if it bothers you then it’s an issue.

Every relationship has its pros and cons but I personally couldn't function without compliments from a partner. My last one was so wonderful about it - even when I was hellish from just waking up and looked like death. I think the bloom comes off the rose in time so you can't expect an endless stream of honeyed words from the person whose socks you pick up or go and buy Mylanta for but a lack of compliments & appreciation sounds like it grinds you down

Have you looked at love languages? Could be mainly a load of bunkum but people do communicate their love in different ways. Words and Talking are definitely one of mine so every partner or would be one knows that it's important to me to hear appreciation

Also, if your long term person doesn't think you're beautiful / feels a bit warm at something you do or say, it's worrying

Especially re the weight loss. A huge lifestyle change and milestone is something he should be conscious of or even involved in

I think the bloom comes off the rose in time so you can't expect an endless stream of honeyed words from the person whose socks you pick up

Bloody right I do, especially if he still wants me to pick up his socks!

It's not OK to allow the passage of time and changes in physical appearance to erode appreciation and admiration. Let's not forget that we're all heading in the same direction, so men should look in the mirror and see what the years do to them too.

I wouldn’t worry about compliments for a second. He’s affectionate and he loves you. Most people would take that over a ‘nice boobs’ anyway.

I can't just stop worrying though Lelly.

I want him to think I'm beautiful even though I'm not. Surely that's normal?

Just out of curiosity, do you even know a part of your body/ look/ style that your partner likes?
I realised, sadly, that the most I ever got out of mine was that I "looked nice", generally.
Even when telling people our first impressions of each other (it was a blind date), he managed "I thought she was ..... nice" even though my (honest) answer was a much more enthusiastic " I thought he was gorgeous!".
Maybe that set the tone. Maybe he thought he was too good for me. Maybe, objectively speaking, we were physically mismatched with him being much more of a looked. Either way, while the compliments thing was not THE deal breaker, as you can tell, it bothered me.

Eyelash - nope. I'm really busty so that's been the obvious thing for previous boyfriends. He's never commented on any part of me.

OP, my ex partner was similar, in fact once told me to 'stop showing off' when I put some new underwear on after I'd lost the extra baby weight. It made me just feel terrible and I covered up. I'm older and wiser now and would have told him where to go.
He never gave compliments and it wore me down and affected my confidence. It was like he was giving me something I didn't deserve . He was mean with love, compliments and money. Is yours mean with money? I think the two are linked.

No, mine isn't mean with money. He doesn't say horrible things either (I'm sorry yours did)

My partner never compliments or praises me, or anyone else. When we go out and get dressed up, I will very spontaneously compliment him on how he looks, but he NEVER returns the compliment (or says it first).

I have spoken to him many times about this, he says he is uncomfortable giving compliments, but he will try harder. Nothings changed, still NOTHING.

Yes it does mean something to me, I feels a certain meanness not giving compliments to people. I’m not hugely confident, but I’d compliment (and I have) a complete stranger if I felt it was appropriate.

I don’t know the answer to this one OP

Just a thought, OP, but is it poss he might feel insecure? I mean, either about your recent weight loss (will he feel you'll be attractive to other men, for example?) or is it that he doesn't want to give you confidence; he'd rather you not feel too sure of yourself? I know it's not a pleasant thought, but could that be a reason?

@daisychain07

oh for sure! I guess what I meant is that in a LTR you do move beyond the physical attraction/lust so your appreciation should go deeper than appearance-based compliments & if she's lacking the appreciation of her contribution/work/what she brings to their life then it's pretty much drudgery - sounds like there's no joy there

Even a man isn't the 'type' for compliments he should pull his finger out and be able to practise some form of gratitude, that he doesn't at all suggests he takes his partner for granted. I don't think ANYONE is intrinsically the 'type' for compliments - everyone is self absorbed in the end, but he sounds like a right ungrateful sod to me

My dh has a strange way of giving compliments, actually we both do. We almost always take the piss out of each other and both laugh and exchange insults.
It's weird to other people but it's our way of showing affection. We've been like this since before we got together 10 years ago.

Does your dp show affection in any way so that he maybe feels like compliments aren't necessary? I would be really hurt if dh was indifferent to me. You've done so well with your weight loss. You seem insecure and very critical of yourself. Therapy could really help you cope with how you feel about yourself.

From your posts it sounds a lot like he's taking you for granted. You deserve to be happy and to feel wanted and loved.

It sounds like you've had discussions about this with him before. I don't think the lack of compliments is necessarily indicative he doesn't think you're attractive but it's sad that he's not willing to be more communicative with you about how he feels. If he knows it upsets you why doesn't he make more effort?

My DH is very similar. I think it's down to differences in how we were raised. My Dad would give the best compliments - really thoughtful and made you feel so special. I give out compliments often too.

My husband never really compliments anyone. Ever. Including me. But I don't think his family ever fished out the compliments growing up.

It doesn't really bother me TOO much, as I feel like I don't need him to tell me, but they are lovely to hear.

Sometimes I'll ask him outright, do you think I look nice or to give me a compliment and he will. He's never mean to me. I just don't think it comes naturally to him.

Also it transpired that DH thought he was actually complimenting me all the time as he's happy to tell me he loves me, he thought that was a compliment