Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

In law love, does it matter?

32 replies

3istheMagicNumberr · 10/06/2018 06:43

So I don't really like my inlaws ( don't think that's massively unusual) I'm tolerant and civil to them but wouldn't say I enjoy there company. I didn't choose them, I chose OH and to me this doesnt really matter. Tbh I get the feeling they're not too fussed on me either.
I've never said I don't like them and do try my best when I'm with them.
OH thinks very differently where it's caused a rift with us. He's saying I've never bonded with them and he's tried his best to get me to and we won't work if I dont!
How can I click with people I'd never normally be friends with?
Does this matter to other people?
I couldn't care less myself if he's not best friends with my family as long as they're civil.
Obviously it's great if everyone does get a long as best friends ( I've had this in past relationships) but that's not always the case is it?... surely it shouldn't end a relationship?

OP posts:

Pratchet · 10/06/2018 06:57

Has he asked his family also to make more of an effort?

Nod smile ignore. He sounds controlling though.

BertrandRussell · 10/06/2018 06:58

What does he expect you to do? One thing I am always banging on about on here is that you should aim for cordiality. Their main relationship is with your dp and your children, but there is no more reason you should be close to them than wirh any other group of people. Expectations are often much too high. If you are cordial with each other and you don't do anything to hinder their relationship with their son and grandchildren (assuming it's not damaging or abusive in any way) then it's all good. They have 30 odd years of shared family history-you don't. And the same applies to him and your family.

MeanTangerine · 10/06/2018 07:04

I get the impression (correct me if I am wrong) you're not married and don't have kids yet. If you do do those things, his family become your family, for better or worse. It's best to get on with the in-laws as well as you possibly can, assuming that they are not abusive. It's obviously important to your OH - would it kill you to make an effort? Maybe he's starting to think about your relationship in the long term, but doesn't like the thought of all family get-togethers being "tolerant and civil" rather than warm and enjoyable.

I think it really, really helps if people can get on well with their in laws - it can become a pretty constant source of conflict and resentment on both sides if you don't. I have absolutely seen it break up relationships.

As for "how can I click with people I'd never normally be friends with?" - we're all human. You will have common ground with them somewhere - try to find it. It's possible your tolerant civility comes across as very standoffish to them.

Unless you're being just "tolerant and civil" because they're massive racists or similar, which would be a bit of a drip feed. Also - people quite often resemble their parents more as they get older, so if you really can't stand them....

Original poster

3istheMagicNumberr · 10/06/2018 07:04

When he has said all this, I have pointed out how they never come over to see us but will moan they've hardly saw the baby. I've said it works both ways but he says it's just excuses and I'm not trying.
They've not been to us at all.since baby was born, almost 4 months ago!
Id be questioning my parents why they haven't been if I was him but he just seems to blame me and they can do no wrong.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 10/06/2018 07:06

So what is he expecting you to do?

Pratchet · 10/06/2018 07:06

Run a mile. Sorry not helpful or realistic probably. But know that you aren't in the wrong, and progress from there.

MeanTangerine · 10/06/2018 07:10

OK, agree with Pratchet that he sounds controlling. Altogether now:

You don't have an in-law problem, you have a DH problem.

How fast away do they live?

MeanTangerine · 10/06/2018 07:10

*far

Original poster

3istheMagicNumberr · 10/06/2018 07:19

Theyre not far, about 10 miles away.

I'm sorry but no I have no common ground with them. His mum speaks over me when I speak or anything I say reminds her of when something similiar happened in her life and talks for half an hour while I sit and listen. They've made comments about a family members kids being unruly and it's her fault because she's never smacked them, I said I'd never smack my DC her reply was oh I used to batter mine... how do you get on with stuff like that when you think so differently?
I'm quite a quiet person but also very laid back and will get on with most people. I just feel anxious in there company.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 10/06/2018 07:20

“But know that you aren't in the wrong, and progress from there.”

Well, after being very honest with yourself in case you are in the wrong. You might be. Or they might be.Or maybe nobody’s in the wrong but things need to be cleared up and sorted out.

OliviaStabler · 10/06/2018 07:22

Why is it you do not like them?

As a pp said, it is best to try and build a good relationship. No you didn't choose them but they are part of your family now and it is best to try and get along as best you can. It's not hard to make polite conversation about neutral subjects, ask them how they are, maybe take an interest in a hobby they have to try and build those connections.

I have to say that if a partner was only 'tolerant and civil' to either of my parents, they wouldn't be a partner of mine any longer. I wouldn't expect them to be close but I would expect manners and for them to make an effort to build a relationship.

Pratchet · 10/06/2018 07:26

Well, unless the situation is wholly different than the one she's described here, then how would she be in the wrong?

Pratchet · 10/06/2018 07:29

There's being nice and there's being a doormat.

Original poster

3istheMagicNumberr · 10/06/2018 07:55

Maybe ive used the wrong words, I think you have misunderstood me saying tolerant and civil. I do ask how they are, what theyve been doing, comment on the garden etc, you know small talk. I am never rude and always polite. I used to hug them as I was leaving but have realised they aren't the huggy type so I stopped that. It's just I don't feel we'll ever be best friends and a few of their views are different to mine.
I can sit and listen to them but they don't listen to me so I just end up going quiet.
Do you really have to be best friends with them? Surely they should make an effort to visit us too. Its all one sided and I'm so wrong?

OP posts:

Bigfathairyones · 10/06/2018 07:58

I get on with my PIL but I can’t say that I look forward to seeing them if visiting. My DH would say the same about mine I’m sure. Your DH sounds a little ‘odd’ in his views and I think you need to agree to disagree on it.

BertrandRussell · 10/06/2018 08:06

“Do you really have to be best friends with them? Surely they should make an effort to visit us too. Its all one sided and I'm so wrong?”

Absolutely you don’t have to be best friends. Do you know why they don’t visit? And do you actually want them to? I much prefer to visit mine- I feel much more in control that way.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/06/2018 08:21

What does he expect you to do about the visiting thing? And why is that your responsibility rather than his? Are you refusing to visit them more often, and how often is that? (Roughly - don't want to be nosy but there's a huge spectrum of what people may consider reasonable!)

I visit DGC, not expect them to visit me, because it's easier for me to travel than a family of small children plus I'd have to tidy up. When they invite me over my son is the one who rings because, well, he's my son innit? DIL is fab but she isn't my daughter. She's got a perfectly good mother of her own.

MeanTangerine · 10/06/2018 08:52

I wonder if maybe your oh is upset that his parents haven't visited and is taking it out on you. Does he often blame you for things that aren't your fault?

(I think I would struggle to be best mates with them too, OP, given the info in subsequent posts)

NoStraightEdges · 10/06/2018 08:58

Your dp is being a div. His parents don't visit and you're the one not making an effort? Can't you point out that that's warped thinking? I would!

As an aside, my relationship with my in-laws took a long time to reach the point where we were all happy with things like how often we or they visited etc and you could also point out that it's relatively early days and you're all finding your feet. Or you could tell him to grow up and be in charge of his own relationship with his parents.

Strawberry2017 · 10/06/2018 09:00

I have this with my MIL, she has never once come to our house to see our almost 6 month old and expects us to go to her. I don't like going because she smokes in the house (not when we are there) and we all
Come back stinking.
Luckily my husband feels the same due to
his own issues with her but I agree it should be a 2 way thing. It's their fault if they don't have a relationship with their grandchild! Not
Yours! X

Original poster

3istheMagicNumberr · 10/06/2018 10:29

I have pointed out the fact his parents never come over and haven't visited DGC once it's always us going there. This is an excuse apparently?
I'm not really sure what he wants me to do, every time he's suggested going since baby was born I've agreed. I didn't so much late on in pregnancy cos I felt like crap and didnt want to sit there for hours ( we never have a quick visit, always 4+ hours)
I think I would rather them come to me because I dont think it would be as long and think id be more comfortable in my own home.
His mum has been to ours once since we've been together and stayed an hour!
I think he just like a to argue with me because it makes no sense.

OP posts:

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 10/06/2018 10:33

Sounds like she needs to be on home ground to be the boss.
Your dh sounds as bullying as her tbh.
Suggest he suggests to them you alternate visits, them to you and you to them. How he can argue with that I don't know.
But likely he will!!

NotTheFordType · 10/06/2018 10:59

Toxic In Laws may help but if he's too deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) then you may just have to leave for your DC sakes.

NataliaOsipova · 10/06/2018 11:08

you should aim for cordiality.

I totally agree with Bertrand on this. Sure - it must be marvellous if you get on with your inlaws, but it shouldn't be expected. Is your OH really pally with your mum and your family? I'd guess not. As long as you are polite and friendly when you see them, I don't see what his problem is. People are different. My MIL isn't my cup of tea. She's a perfectly amiable, well meaning woman.....I just wouldn't choose to spend a vast amount of time with her. And that's probably mutual. So what?

Pippylou · 10/06/2018 11:15

You need to have the support of your DH. People never change, they just get more so...

So if you have issues now, they probably won't change. You can suck it up and accept how he wants to pattern your relationship with them or not.

I go LC or NC with my PiL whenever they really pee me off but frankly I don't think anyone notices or comments, so then contact resumes after whatever length of time and there's no actual dramas. However, I always have full support from DH and that's what's important to me.

What amuses me is my actual DM, who sounds hugely like your MiL tells me to be nice to them and suck it up! I'm just objective, I think and I won't put up with this doormatty behaviour she favours, because she had a terrible relationship with her in-laws in the 1950s.

Flip

1 2