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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left me and our child for 20year old

40 replies

Lemoncup · 09/06/2018 17:35

I've never posted on something like this so I apologise if I do it wrong.

A brief history, I've been with my husband 10years, we had a very rocky relationship he was controlling, emotionally abusive, physically abusive, would do anything for female attention, 2 emotional affairs, one of which I've just found out about that happened a year ago. I wasn't attentive as I should of been, I did try though until a year ago when our child was born, I could barely support our child let alone him and myself.

He has now left me and our child for a 20year old girl. We still talk everyday pretty much all day, we're also still intimate behind his girlfriends back, I know how wrong that is but its my revenge on her, petty I know. I know I don't want him back, not that he would either but I hate him being with someone else, its like our relationship never existed and I'm to stop loving him. I miss him like crazy and he's told me the same and that he regrets all of this but its too late to go back.

Its like it just wont sink in what's happened, I want to wake up from this nightmare. I know I need to cut contact but its so hard, I pine after him from the moment I wake up. I've lost control of my life completely and I need to get it back but how? Confused

OP posts:
Velvetbee · 09/06/2018 17:37

You’ve had a very lucky escape. Time to get angry.

KreigersClones · 09/06/2018 17:38

You know this is all messed up. How are you getting revenge on her by allowing him to have his cake and eat it?
What do you miss about him?
You need to get out of this destructive thought pattern and gain some strength, to show your child what normal relationships are like.

Lifebeginner · 09/06/2018 17:41

Firstly, stop sleeping with him. Regain your self-respect by putting up some boundaries and not allowing him to have it both ways. This is your chance to get away for good - he's done you a favour, now you just need to seize it with both hands.

Morgan12 · 09/06/2018 17:44

Sleeping with him isn't getting revenge on her at all. He's thinking he's won the bucking lottery. Stop now. You will deeply regret it one day.

eggncress · 09/06/2018 17:45

Do you miss his abuse?
Surely you’re well rid of him?
He will direct the abuse at his new gf once past the honeymoon phase so she has no need of revenge from you. Get arrangements for child maintenance for your dc and consider yourself lucky he left so easily. Your life will be better for you and dc without the abuse.You should go NC

Dobbythesockelf · 09/06/2018 17:46

Why do you want revenge on her? She wasn't married to you. All you are doing by sleeping with him is letting him have his cake. As hard as it seems you really need to step away and stay away from him. Contact only about your dd.

Original poster
Lemoncup · 09/06/2018 17:51

Thankyou for replying so fast.

I know I do, its my revenge because its already causing problems in their relationship and she only knows half of it, I know its totally messed up. She doesn't trust him at all.

I miss all the good times we had, I miss what we were even though it was years ago, I miss my home too.
I know this is a massive blessing in disguise and I also know that it would have been no life for our child if we were together. I just cant seem to let go and when I try he gets in contact with me even when I think I've blocked him on everything.

Its been just over a month since we split.

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 09/06/2018 18:49

Oh sweetheart. You are making yourself look like SUCH a mug to him, by sleeping with him!

Please find your dignity. Stop being a pawn in the games he plays to stroke his own ego! Can you imagine how fab he feels about himself having two women taking turns on his cock!!?? Don't be part of this! Please love.

What can we do to help you stop engaging with him?

You will only start to recover from this terrible time in your life once you close this book completely. As long as you're embroiled with him you won't stop hurting x

AwkwardPaws27 · 10/06/2018 10:18

I miss my home too

Hang on. Have you moved out? Have you sought legal advice about this?

bullyingadvice2017 · 10/06/2018 10:35

This is your chance to be free of him. It won't be easy, but it will be a darn sight easier than another decade of his shit treatment of you whilst your child spends their childhood watching. Get shut of him.

MapleLeafRag · 10/06/2018 10:44

So has she moved in to the family home and you’re still having sex with him?

thefourgp · 10/06/2018 10:50

Is he the only man you’ve ever been with? Do you miss him because it’s all you’ve ever known?

yetmorecrap · 10/06/2018 11:16

Good gracious OP, where’s your dignity!! Seriously find some anger, tell him to do one as the welsh say!

Branleuse · 10/06/2018 11:18

Omg OP you're not getting revenge on anyone. Your ex must be loving this.
gross

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 10/06/2018 11:28

Op, how old are you both though? If you are in your 20s yourself her being 20 is not important. (Just makes the post title more salacious)
The person you should be angry with is your ex. Not her. She is not relevant in this. It's him. You don't need him. He is a negative factor in your life. Work on your self esteem, stop sleeping with him, get an std check.
But we know, you love him and back you'll go.

TeacupTattoo · 10/06/2018 14:53

A 20 year old is a woman not a girl, firstly. Secondly, your focus is on completely the wrong thing. It's a bitter pill to swallow, feeling thrown away like rubbish, but this man did not value you. Don't sink in 'what ifs'.
My first husband had a relationship straight after me with our babysitter (she was 19) but being bitter solved nothing. He did NOT love me. We deserve to be loved. Good luck.

MaryandMichael · 10/06/2018 14:57

we're also still intimate behind his girlfriends back, I know how wrong that is but its my revenge on her

Yep, I did that. Haha! And I don't regret it.
It was fun that he was unfaithful to her with me, after her being the OW.
I liked the sex and it was easy to get.
It's all a matter of perspective. Be sure it's you using him and not the other way round.

You'll move on mentally and emotionally soon enough. Be ready. The day will come when you couldn't possibly do that with him. Yuck.

LIZS · 10/06/2018 15:05

He gets to have the fun of an affair both ways Confused you aren't getting revenge you are handing him your dignity on a plate. Perhaps it would be worth talking to a counsellor or Womens Aid. You need to focus on healing the damage his behaviour has done to your self esteem over the years not a vendetta against the ow.

greendale17 · 10/06/2018 15:08

Why do you want revenge on her? She wasn't married to you.

Er because she was the other woman. I would have thought that was obvious

SendYouUpinFlames · 10/06/2018 15:08

Agree with @teacup she is a woman. Not a girl.

You're being taken for a mug op.
Honestly he will be loving it. Two women arguing over him. Two women shagging him. Bet he's enjoying all this.

Run a mile. Give him, and her a biiiiig swerve.

LonginesPrime · 10/06/2018 15:09

you aren't getting revenge you are handing him your dignity on a plate

^ This.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 10/06/2018 15:25

Asl basically he gets to fuck both women without consequence?

Yes terrible punishment for him.

You want to punish her?! Let her have him. Because he will continue to do the same to her.

By still sleeping with him you are stroking his ego. If you like him laughing at you both then that's up to you but I am so glad your child isn't old enough to learn from your example.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/06/2018 15:33

Both women getting treated poorly while he gets exactly what he wants? He is emotionally abusive but it's her fault and she needs to be punished? Even though you have no idea the bullshit he's fed her.

Stop sleeping with him and get legal advice and counselling.

0lwen · 10/06/2018 15:33

He is abusive. He is a bastard.

NO doubt, if you'd been the one who'd tried to end the relationship he would not have allowed it.

So this, if you play it right, is your easiest escape.

Stop sleepign with him. Who cares if his new relationship is in trouble or not. Worry about your own sanity and happiness. You are pushing your head back in to the vomit like a dog who got sick.

Please be smart and take the blessing that was dealt to you. He has dumped you. But he was no prize. This is freedom. This is a blessing

LARLARLAND · 10/06/2018 15:36

Do you have a daughter? Would you want her to be treated like this? Move on and develop some self respect.