H is on glorified stag do (in everything but name) and I feel like a doormat

[whythebigfuss]

I’m 38 weeks pregnant and am at home alone looking after DC. H runs his own business. A few days ago he went away on a work trip which I thought was unnecessary, although he deemed was necessary. I worried/suspected/gut feeling it was a glorified stag party (without any reason to celebrate) with a few bits of work to do inbetween.

He’s been ok and keeping in contact but two of his single friends suddenly turned up 48 hours ago and he’s been out in bars with them every night til 5am. Apparently they both have reasons to be there (this is semi believeable as they all work in the same area.)

Then today he has texted me that friend 3 has shown up “out of the blue.” Friend 3 is married but constantly cheats on his wife, goes to strip clubs and is generally not a particularly moral person and H knows from past conversations that I am not comfortable with him going out with him.

It’s obvious to me what this is now. And it’s obvious that it was all planned and he deliberately didn’t tell me.

The more I say that I am not comfortable I know the more he will accuse me of being insecure and trying to control his time. The more angry I get about it all, the more he will be able to successfully label me as controlling and aggressive.

I do feel insecure and I would like him to care about my feelings but I just can’t, at this point in pregnancy, have that feeling of checking my phone all night or wondering what they’re up to or waiting for him to be in touch. Or in fact, accepting this all as a coincidence like he is trying to pass it off as. I’d rather take back control and just block him until he comes home.

Only problem is I am not sure if that’s the right thing to do. He likes to speak daily to the kids and he absolutely believes he is doing nothing wrong.

I don’t know what to say to him or do which makes me not come across as angry or aggressive and controlling but also means I feel that I am taking action for myself rather than sitting here in late pregnancy with the DC like a muppet doormat.

Any ideas?

It's no wonder you feel upset, he's clearly lied and manipulated the truth and if he wanted you to feel secure and trust him he's not been going about it the right way, so he can't grumble if you get angry at him. I'd be livid at him. He sounds selfish and unsupportive (I don't have children and I'd be upset, so leaving you heavily pregnant doing all the childcare is even more annoying). I'd be wondering if he was worth it.

Whether you are "controlling" or not is not the issue, and a bit of a smokescreen. Any man who would go off on a "jolly" when his wife is 38 weeks pregnant is an ass! Personally yes I would block him. He obviously doesn't care at all about your feelings and your well being so you need to take care of yourself. Being stressed/upset at any stage of pregnancy isn't good, but especially at this late stage. What's his plan if you go into labour?

Just because he doesn't believe he's doing anything wrong, doesn't mean he's right. I would be wanting to show him that his actions have consequences.

Yeah he's obviously lied this whole time and if you confront him he will allege it is all work related and unplanned to make you feel guilty about him doi g something wrong. Even if it was all coincidence, there is no need for him to be out drinking until 5am because he will clearly not be getting any work done the next day so it is no longer a work trip.
I'd allow him to talk to the children but wouldn't be ready to talk him myself. What happens if you go in to labour and he's getting drunk at stupid o'clock in the morning?

Wow..his behaviour is unbelievable and I don’t blame you for being upset. He’s taking the mickey. Friend 3 turned up out of the blue? How does that exactly happen then? How does that person know where they are? I don’t know where my friends are right now! He’s been invited and this whole thing is a boys drinking trip away and he’s taking the piss and lying about it! It’s the fact he thinks it’s ok to blatantly lie to your face that is very worrying indeed. Block him and go see a solicitor while he’s away. In fact if it was me I’d text “your behaviour is unacceptable. You have obviously and blatantly lied about this trip which is in fact a boys holiday. You are not welcome back here. Check yourself into a hotel as I will be seeing a solicitor and starting divorce proceedings. I will not stand for this abysmal treatment. Do not ring or message me as nothing from you will be read or acknowledged. You blew it. Enjoy your drinking and you don’t need to lie about it anymore you sad loser” time he realises you are not going to take anymore of his shit. Rally all of your friends and family around you and stand firm or this will keep happening

I wouldnt let him back

What is his plan for if you go into labour? I would certainly block him and if I could I'd arrange for the DC and me not to be there when he gets back. Twat.

He's a selfish bastard isn't he? Not exactly going to win the 'husband and father of the year' award!

He's a lying sack of shit and you have every right to be angry. Being angry with someone who has let you down so badly is not controlling. I would tell him exactly what I thought about him and his little scheme.

If you go into labour, do you have a back up plan? If he's pissed up, he can't look after your DC and will be useless as a birthing partner. I would suggest packing up and going to your mum's with your DC if that's an option?

Fuck that! I'd be packing his stuff and taking it to his parents house, then organising a solicitor come Monday.

What if you went into labour now? Disgraceful and selfish behaviour, it's clear as day this has been planned.

Does he always act like this?

To say I'd be unimpressed is an understatement.

Is this typical behaviour?

What exactly is his plan if you go into labour now? Who will look after the children?

In the short term I think you need to make arrangements in case he isn't home in time - just for your own piece of mind.

As for your DH he knows he's being a shit - which is exactly why he's lied about the nature of this jolly.

As much as at the trip I'd be livid that he thinks you're an idiot to believe the "spontaneous" nature of this boys holiday.

Personally I'd send him a text telling him what I thought of him and then block him to concentrate on myself.

Sounds like their are faults on both parts. He lied about it being a work trip when it was part work part fun and who would be going. You want him to drop friends, not go away and be in constant touch as you are insecure.

What I don't get is if the relation is that fragile that he has to lie about spending time with his friends and you are insecure, why add more children? Surely working on those issues before adding more innocent children would have been better.

I don't think it's the fact that she's insecure that's the problem. She is at the end of her pregnancy which can result in labour at any moment. She is annoyed and angry at the fact he has chosen to go away and have fun when she could go into labour at any point and be on her own, with children. It's a very difficult situation. She is probably only insecure due to him doing it with such bad timing and at his choice of friends to be there with. Single friends and friends who cheat. Not exactly a good combination for trust. Being pregnant give you a huge rush of emotions so no doubt she is dealing with that too as well as being upset at him.

I would just ignore him until he is home or voice the fact that he has pissed you off OP. He has gone at an inappropriate time and for that reason you are pissed off.

I'd be fuming

BoxsetsAndPopcorn are you actually for real? OP is 38 weeks pregnant her OH should not be swanning off anywhere!

This does not make you insecure OP, DH should be putting you first especially at this stage in pregnancy. I'd be doing what people have said and have a back up plan in case anything happens

Block him. Go non contact until he deigns to come home and try to do nice, calm things for yourself in the meantime and put him out of your mind. The selfish idiot deserves to sweat for a few days, you don’t need this in your condition.

Send him on his way permanently

Two of my children were 38 weekers.

Your husband lied to you to go off on a jolly.

He's selfish, a liar and unreliable.

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn at this point in her pregnancy, it should be all about her and what she wants. She could end up going into labour any moment and he's decided that instead of helping her round the house, helping her prepare for the birth and reassuring her, he'd rather go out drinking with his mates. He also lied about doing so.

Fu*k that shit. I would ltb on this one. Your about to give birth!

Your husband indeed lied to you to go off on a jolly with his friends.

He knew full well that he couldn't justify this jolly (to you, family, friends) so he lied and now expects you to put up and shut up.

I can only imagine how he and his mates are laughing at you right now. 'Good one, OP's H! Got away from the ol' ball and chain!' and having a real giggle about how he got away with lying to you and making you feel guilty about being 'insecure' at the same time. They'll think he's a genius, telling him to make sure he keeps you in your place. Birds of a feather, as the saying goes.

What a cuntish thing to do.

I think I'd need some space from him to figure out what I wanted to do. But for now I'd block him.

I would not concentrate on the men he is with but the fact that he left you at home and is drinking heavily when you are due to give birth.

I think most decent men would know its out of order and extremely selfish.

Try to relax as much as you can, focus on yourself not him.Do you have family around you?

There's a reason he still hangs around with the guy who cheats. That's the kind of person your DH wants to be with. He wants friends who drink all hours, fuck around, use prostitutes, strip bars etc. He also is perfectly happy to lie to you, then try to blame you when you (justifiably) get upset.

It's your choice what life you lead, but you are with a man who enjoys drinking, lying, and strip bars. That's who he is.

I'm sure he likes having a little wifey back home, safely tucked away, for when he wants to have a comfortable home and kids so that he can be fun Dad when it suits him.

Whether you want to live as part of that world is up to you.

Give him 3 hours to get home and explain himself or not bother coming home at all. Selfish arse! If this is how he treats you at your most vulnerable how do you expect the rest of your marriage to be?

Alternatively send him a text saying you've gone into Labour and then block him.

See how long it takes for him to get his sorry ass back home.

He lied about the holiday, so what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Then tbh I'd be seeing a solicitor.

Why are you with him though? He lies to you, belittles you and leaves you alone heavily pregnant. He makes it so clear he doesn't care about you??

Can I ask why you decided to have a baby together? I'm just trying to understand the dynamics because it's strange, on the face of it, that you agreed to it in light of how he clearly doesn't feel much for you.

I wouldn't see the point of the relationship tbh.

I'd not block him - he can phone the children if he wants to, sure. But I'd end the relationship for sure.