Co dependent

[Whatiwishfor]

Last 18 months have been a total nightmare. Husband left and its become very apparent how emotionally and financially abusive he is. I have received legal aid which has been amazing as hes taking me to court 4 times over the last 8 months regarding contact with our young children (not a good result for him any of the times). There has been a problem every week since and i have had to have a huge amount of legal and emotional advise from my solicitor, friends and family.
Its become very apparent to me how overly emotionally attached i was to him. Im not in love with him any more and realise what a nasty person he is but i still think about him constantly. I except i haven't had much chance to detach due to how much he sees the children and how much he imposes himself into my life. But if i was honest im still struggling hes still in my head.
I function well but my heads like a washing machine going around and around. I really carnt afford counselling atm as im trying to buy him out of the house. Any advise

It sounds as though you are still processing things. You probably have Stockholm Syndrome through so many years with such a controlling and damaging person, and you have forced yourself to internalise all the shitty things he's done to you to help you cope.

Have you read about Trauma Bonding? It might help you get a bit of perspective.

The fact that he's taken you to court so many times and you're still standing tells me you're much stronger than you imagine yourself to be.

I think to get out of his washing machine effect, you need to create distance, so need to find ways of reducing contact. Third party to do handovers? Only deal with him through text and email?

What’s your communication like with him? The only way to get away from theses controlling and manipulative people is no contact but seeing as you have kids that won’t be an option I guess.

The next best thing is ‘grey rock’ don’t react to any of his texts or emails unless they are to do with the pick up and drop off of the kids or their well-being. Avoid face to face meetings with him. When you do reply to his emails etc be very business like and show no emotion as this is what feeds his ego.

My therapist told me this great piece of advice..

“Codependency is something that can be fixed, you can learn to set boundaries, you can learn to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty and you can learn to not care about what other people think of you. The other person is unfixable, they will never get help as they can’t see they are doing anything wrong, they have no empathy and use codependent people to fill what their soul is lacking. They will never be happy”

18 months is still early days with regard to coming to terms with the ending of an abusive codependent relationship.
It sounds to me like you are actually making excellent progress.
You’ve found the courage to make the break, you’re dealing with repeated legal challenges, and you’re beginning to be able to look at the relationship for what it really was.
Give yourself huge praise for coming this far. Continue to accept whatever help you need from solicitors, friends, family. Of course your ex will still be in your head, but you are slowly and steadily shrinking his headspace and influence there. I’d say that, now you’ve left, you have regained your autonomy and control. His “headspace” has shrunk from a mansion to a bedsit!
Just keep on buggering on, OP (to quote Churchill!). You are doing really well, and you’ll realise that, if you look back and see how far you’ve come.
Best wishes for your happy future. Onward and upward!

Thank you both. It was very hard writing that and admitting that i am too detached, but its a fact.
simon your correct. The emotional conditioning that has occurred over the years, i sometimes wonder if my opinion is actually my opinion if you know what i mean.
category He was seeing the children a lot which meant i sew him a lot, the silent aggression at my font door was dreadful, not just from him but his girlfriend as well. He was constantly trying to gain access to the house and garden. The constant weekly abuse and aggression from him was scary and if i was honest i am scared of him. Hes a very odd character and is very unpredictable. Contact has now change. He will get them for longer but i will see a lot less of him (once a week)
Im constantly thinking and talking about him, it needs to stop. Hes toxic and still gaining control over me by me talking about him. Im getting so so angry with myself.
Anyone been in this situation, what did you do to move on.

As a codependent, you have become used to using the drama of your abusive relationship to cover up the sense of emptiness that you fear inside, but there is nothing to fear, you will get comfortable with the peace.

I believe there is a book called
'My Life Now' about rebuilding your life after coming out of an abusive relationship.

I can also recommend:

'Boundaries After Pathological Relationships '

and

'Psychopath Free'

Plus 'Why Does He Do That'

And

'When Love Hurts'.

I do the Gray rock thing. I treat out relationship/communication like a business deal. I dont respond to his abuse i just say the facts. I block him on my phone when he hasnt got the children and i have not email contact (he shut down my email account, loosing all my baby photos) hes not allowed to whats app me, he did so i blocked him. The only other form of communication is a communication book, he uses this to abuse me, (thank goodness the children are too young to read) i ignore it.
Hes very manipulative and its like hes got a personal vendetta against me but most of all he has huge control issues. He does not know boundaries and does not respect professionals. So putting it bluntly will do some nutty things. Eg not take medical advise, will call school and lie to them and try to collect children not on his day (there is a court order in place, i also have a residency order). He has twice been threatened with a restraining order from my solicitor. But i couldn't really see it as yet again i was too dependent. Hes pretty much a nightmare at every turn. Hes also very obsessive and unpredictable, he gets totally obsessed with something and will bang on about it for weeks and then it will change for something else. Atm its the children diets trying to make them vegans at school even though he knows i dont feed them like that at home.

He always arrives with his girlfriend and they make a huge fuss of the children so that i can see, right outside my house. In spite of a court order he still picks and chooses when he sees the children and the police have been involved several times. Its exhausting, how do i mentally move on.

May I add that I totally understand the fear of the silent aggression that you describe. It is very frightening and we try so hard to deny it because we can't explain it sometimes.

As codependents we often fall in love with the idea of a person rather than the person themselves, so we make a deal with the devil, so to speak, in exchange for being loved. But because the true emotional connection is missing we lose touch with our own feelings and intuition, we can't see the truth and we stay too long, denying our own pain. We wait for them to give us permission to leave.

I hope you follow the advice of the other posters and go NC with your ex, you will soar without this man and his toxic presence.

You can only give it time, distract yourself. Maybe have them pick the kids up from a neutral place.

He is still trying to control you any way he can. He wants to hurt you. Just laugh at how pathetic he is.

To add however, it sounds as though the abuse is quite severe. Do you have support from Women's Aid it a local DV service?

I would move away if at all possible. It's really not good for the kids to be used this way for him to make a point.

You have my sympathy.

You need to bite the bullet and bring the restraining order rather than just threatening.

I think if you can access support from domestic abuse services / Women's Aid, that would be good idea. And asking your solicitor to go ahead with a restraining order. Use the full weight of the law. I didn't really comprehend the level of abuse you're receiving to start with, it's no wonder he's filling your head. You are doing really well.

Sorry I feel a bit callous just placemarking with nothing helpful to add but I am following with interest as my relationship is very codependent - don’t think DH is abusive but I am starting to see I don’t really trust my own perception of reality so very interested in this thread. OP my mind feels very washing machine like too but it sounds like you have an extraordinary amount of stuff to think about and process so it’s not surprising and you are coping with it all. You sound amazing.

I’m going through something similar, although no DCs. It’s been six months but my ex has tried to manipulate me every step of the way. He uses MH crises as a way to get to me, because he knows I’m a caring person and can’t say no to somebody who’s in distress. I have him blocked but he managed to get through with an email recently with his latest crisis. I said ‘no’ for the first time because I knew that saying yes and ‘rescuing’ him was adding fuel to the fire and it would never end. The distance between us has given me the strength to see the behaviour for what it really is: control and manipulation tactics. I called the police who checked on his welfare and told him not to contact me again.

What a pp wrote about something her therapist said is absolutely right. In my case, my ex uses the drama to fill what his soul is lacking. He blames everybody else for his misery and can’t see how his behaviour damages others. I don’t think he’ll ever be happy.

Since he contacted me, I’ve found myself thinking about him constantly. Feeling guilty. Worrying. Even having urges to contact him. But I realise that it’s all part of the toxic cycle and it’s exactly the reason why complete NC is necessary to heal.

I would pursue the restraining order. I don’t think these men will stop unless they are forced to. They feel so empty inside so fill the void with drama. They can’t bear to see you detach and move on so will do everything they can to drag you down and get a reaction. A reaction validates their being, I’m sure of it.

Rita im so sorry your going through this too.
I wont get a restraining order now. Iv kind of missed the boat with it as he no long trying to live in my house, he still harrassment me though. But i know its not enough to take it any further.
I believe that it will die down as he knows im no longer a pushover, pretty much everything he has tried this year he has not succeeded in. Eg taking children when its not his day, living in the house, working in the shed, making children vegan, lieing about things and trying to get me in to trouble etc etc etc.
The finances will soon be sorted then the actual divorce. But i just dont know how to mentally disconnect. To have someone hate me just feels really really odd. Iv always worked in pretty tough jobs so im used to difficult behaviour but not someone who hates me.
I need to free myself mentally, but its so so hard. Anyone have any practical ideas?

I’ve found meditation really helpful. It’s enabled me to tune in and out of thoughts. I really like Tara Brach podcasts - they’ve helped me immensely through the past six months. It does take effort and the change doesn’t happen overnight but it’s been worth persevering. Before I started I felt stuck in a constant loop of ‘what ifs’.

You could also try Codependents Anonymous meetings. I haven’t been but I keep meaning to go along.

www.coda-uk.org/?page=all

Thank you Rita

Will deffo take a good look.

Simon Im not sure i am afraid of the emptiness inside. I except that i have many things i need to work on, but im not afraid. I except a level of responsibility in it all but iv learnt what a controlling and manipulative man he is and im glad he has limited contact with the children and with me. Unfortunately i have learnt that the children were just one more of his obsessions and its unclear to me if he has a genuine connection towards them. He is such a hollow and empty sole. On that note i believe he has some kind of personality distorter and certainly an attachment disorder these traits run through his family. I think there is a connection between someone with a personality disorder and co dependency so this would make a lot of seance to me.

Whatiwishfor, I think your thought patterns have become habitual. You need to work on your thoughts, you need to actively make yourself think of something else. Ritamad's suggestion of looking into meditation is good. It didn't work for me, but what did work was changing my thinking. Every night I would write down 3 things that I am grateful for, and I would try to not have negative thoughts - if I did have them, I would reframe the situation, for example I would think of a bad situation as something I could learn from, rather than feeling hopeless and depressed about it. I would seek things that put me in a good mood and not allow myself to stay upset. I would put the music on, go for a walk, anything to change my frame of mind. It worked really well for me, I no longer panic if things don't go as planned, and I can always think of a silver lining to anything.

A lot of people swear by running, but I've never really enjoyed it personally.

Going through something similar I was placed on a moderate dose of antidepressants and they gave me the lift I needed to transition from one way of living to another. They helped me to detach and be strong. But taking medication is a big decision and a totally personal one.

Misscph
Thank you. Yes thats the kind of things i need. I need a new focus, feel a bit trapped in my thoughts. I really need to get fit and sort my weight out, i know this would make me feel better about myself and may help me re train my brain.
I am a bit of a nervous person and have always been a little repetitive in my mind, i think this is an extension of it.

Hi Whatiwishfor, how are you feeling now? I was also going to say, find a motivational daily newsletter that you can subscribe to, there are loads, and you can find some very specific ones. I have been subscribing to one (in my native language) for 2 years now, and I so look forward to reading it every morning, it really starts my day well. It's usually about how YOU can choose your day, tips on controlling your thoughts etc.

Re fitness and weight - just start small, do something achievable, like commit to going for a walk in the forest once a week. Being out in nature is very soothing and healing.

Hi Im ok thanks. Had a lovely weekend with my children and extended family. Bit concerned as my children have said that Daddy cried twice when they sew him last. They say he cries a lot, he had not seen them for two weeks and then cries on them twice!! in 3 hours. I have already had concerns about emotional abuse, so this worries me further.

I like the idea of a daily news letter thank you.

Glad to hear you had a nice weekend! Not good to hear that their dad cried in front of them? I am all for showing your emotions, but that doesn't sound appropriate or healthy. Did he cry because he was happy to see them?

No i dont think so tbh, iv never known him to cry out of happiness. I think tbh he carnt cope very well. Iv thought this for a while as his girlfriend is always with him when he collects or drops the children off. Its like he needs her as an emotional crutch. He always looks really really angry and clearly finds it hard being in my neck of the woods. he doesn't have a good relationship with the children's school, and blanks some of his old friends.
100% there is something emotionally wrong with him, my solicitor says she thinks hes very very odd, which he is. Just worry about the children and how he makes them feel and the potential for him to be emotionally abusive towards them.