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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Disappearing xh, new bf and my dc

31 replies

Dithering9 · 09/06/2018 08:21

I'm 10 months post separation and XH and I were on and off, mostly off through my choice and his drinking and abusiveness, for 3 years previous. We have 2 dc together aged 7 and 4.

A few months ago I met up with an ex that I've always been on friendly terms with. We go back many years and have good history. He was going through a divorce too. We immediately hit it off again and initially just as friends he started coming round to help me with diy jobs and so he met my dc early on. Nothing strange about that as my dc meet all my friends of both sexes and we love having lots of people in the house. They like him and ask for him to come round and play etc. He engages with them and lets them help him with jobs and so they see him as their friend.

This guy and I ended up getting together and he's now round nearly every night - after my dc have gone to bed - so they haven't seen us as anything but friends and him almost as a handyman and my plan was to keep it that way for some time.

However recently things have gone even further downhill with XH who has started to fade out of our lives - he hasn't seen dc at all for the last month. Now the less my dc see of him the more they seem to idolise him - I don't know if this is the norm but they really see him in a very rosy light. "If daddy was here he'd let me do that" or "I want daddy to come and make pizza with me" etc when really their dad barely acknowledged them when he was around and certainly wouldn't have made bloody pizza with them.

So finally getting to the issue - my ds4 wanted to do something and I said our friend (guy I'm now seeing) would come help him do it. Ds got in a massive strop and cried that he didn't want this guy to help him, he wanted daddy to help him, and he hated the other guy and he just loves daddy. This went on and on and I didn't know what to do - I couldn't comfort him, I can't tell him when he will see his dad again because I don't know, and his dad won't help him do this thing anyway. I recognise that I need to stop mentioning new guy and possibly stop bringing him round when dc are up.

So I want to know what you would do in this situation.

OP posts:

mayhew · 09/06/2018 08:30

Your children are telling you that they miss their dad and and want him back. Not their actual rubbish dad, but their idealised, fantasy, perfect dad. Because he was/is absent, there is a blank space to project onto. A similar thing often happens when a parent dies.
Rejecting the new guy, they are telling you, they are rejecting the change. They don't want it, they want the fantasy of no change, harmony, security.
It may or may not have anything to do with his actual qualities.
Keep him in the background and help your kids adapt to their new reality.

Original poster

Dithering9 · 09/06/2018 08:31

Thank you mayhew - how can I help them adapt?

OP posts:

mayhew · 09/06/2018 08:39

Fortunately I haven't been in this situation but observing others, it seems to be about creating and reinforcing security and happy times with them, making a team of three. Where they know and trust that they are the centre of your world and that family bonds do not have to be fragile and temporary.
Learning this through their experience over time.
Trusting another person won't take you away from them.

lifebegins50 · 09/06/2018 08:43

What do you say when they ask to see their dad?

In ds's mind you are trying to replace their dad and they don't want that.When he isn't there explain that you understand they miss their dad and know they feel sad.They need understanding and empathy.It is too soon for them to have a new person on their lives.

Original poster

Dithering9 · 09/06/2018 08:52

When they ask to see their dad I say I'll text him to ask then if they ask again I say he hasn't replied yet. It's true but I can see that I'm avoiding telling them what's going on because I don't know what to say. Their dad has been up and down, in and out of their lives for ages now and there is no regularity.

OP posts:

YoucancallmeVal · 09/06/2018 08:54

I agree you need to stpp pushing the new bloke on them. When dd asked if she could see her dad, I got her to ring or text him from my phone as I didn't see why I should cover his arse.

Original poster

Dithering9 · 09/06/2018 08:57

Also just about the new person in their lives thing - we have friends and neighbours and kids in our house every day and we often have friends eating with us etc so it's not like it's an unusual event for the new guy to be around occasionally doing jobs and having a brew.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dithering9 · 09/06/2018 08:59

I could start getting them to call him but he prob won't pick up and then they'll be disappointed.

OP posts:

YoucancallmeVal · 09/06/2018 09:00

You sound like you are trying to justify why you can keep the new man being around. Your dc are telling you they aren't happy with that. So just stop for a while, it's not hard!

YoucancallmeVal · 09/06/2018 09:01

But then it's your ex that is doing it not you.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 09/06/2018 09:05

I don’t think this is about you or your bf, but your children missing their dad.

You are going to have to explain it to him and help them open up some communication.

Original poster

Dithering9 · 09/06/2018 09:06

Not at all trying to justify it - I can have the new guy round only once dc are asleep which was happening anyway. I do recognise that they've picked up on something which they're rejecting.
As for my ex being the one doing it - my dc are so young, am I wrong for trying to protect their innocence and image of their dad? I've never done this before and really don't know what's best!

OP posts:

DextroDependant · 09/06/2018 09:13

When my youngest would ask for his dad who was too wrapped up in his new 16yo girlfriend to bother with him, I would let him use my phone to ring him.

Yes he was disappointed when he didn't pick-up but he was going to be disappointed either way and by letting him ring he knew I was on his side and trying to help him have a relationship with his dad.

Of course I still had to comfort him, reassure him,distract him but the anger was directed in the right place, at the dad who couldn't be arsed.

Original poster

Dithering9 · 09/06/2018 09:24

I see what you're saying Dextro.

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 09/06/2018 09:26

I don’t think it’s fair that you’re getting criticised for the new man here. As you say they’ve obviously picked up on something but you’re already saying you’ll change that.

There’s nothing you can do but wait for them to adjust, keep talking to them about him whenever they want but be honest - you don’t know when they will see him and you can’t change or hide it but you could maybe try calling him with them ‘I don’t know if Daddy will be able to answer but let’s see’ etc.

Original poster

Dithering9 · 09/06/2018 09:34

Thank you mykingdom. I'm hyper aware of the impact the divorce and me moving on will have on my dc and believe me I feel guilty about it every day. But we wouldn't be in this situation had their dad been even half decent.

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 09/06/2018 09:43

Dextro gave good advice.While they are processing their dad not being around your bf will be confusing to them.They obviously know it is more than a neighbour or friend as reacting to him.

To their simple minds you are replacing their dad with bf.Just give them time to grieve for dad as otherwise bf will be a hated figure.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 09/06/2018 10:00

You’re doing alright Dithering.

Sounds like you are aware and centering your DCs.

My DCs are older and still they miss their DF. He is in regular contact, but they rarely see him. He never has them to stay at his (he lives around the corner). I particular notice it in DS2’s behaviour, and his attitude towards me deteriorates the longer he doesn’t see his dad. (The others feel no loss). DS2 is 16.

It will get better but you have to be everything to your DCs, and that’s hard, frustrating and fucking unfair. A new partner needs to have patience. It really does sort the keepers.

All I can suggest is that you encourage communication. You can’t do anything about their DF letting them down. All you can do is double up your love, keep them secure and make them feel safe. It’s a tough gig.

Keep doing what you are doing for you. You and your bf’s relationship will be about compromise and patience. It can’t be any other way. But I do hope it blossoms for you.

Original poster

Dithering9 · 09/06/2018 10:06

Thank you fryingpan.
My ds just asked for his dad again so I took the advice and let him phone him. Appears I am blocked. Now wtf do I do?!

OP posts:

pasanda · 09/06/2018 10:32

I think you are doing everything right OP and I think the criticism for your new man is unjustified. Like you say, it is normal in your house to have folk around, including him.

I personally think you just have to be totally honest with the dc but without putting ex down (hard I know!!). Never slag him off (I'm sure you don't, you sound v sensitive to their needs) but be truthful that you're trying to contact him on their behalf but he doesn't respond.

Good luck. It's hard making up for the failings of these shitty men but rest assured it will pay off for you and him, well he reaps what he sows.

pasanda · 09/06/2018 10:33

That's the problem with calling from your phone I guess and they are too young to have their own. Not sure what else you can do tbh. (Helpful! )

bubbles108 · 09/06/2018 10:46

Why not buy a 'burner' phone and allow DC to call daddy using that phone. DC could help choose the phone (within reason)

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 09/06/2018 10:53

Oh Dithering! That’s ridiculous! What an absolute cock.

How old are your DCs?

He needs to have some form of communication open.

How about you get a cheap pay as you go mobile and explain to XH that it is SOLELY for factual communication by text, and if he is called, then it’s for the children to speak to him?

GooodMythicalMorning · 09/06/2018 10:57

It's not the new guy, theu just miss having their dad and remember him with rose tinted glasses.

nooneknowsmyname · 09/06/2018 11:12

@Dithering9 if your exh has blocked your phone number can't you buy your oldest child a cheap phone and pay as you go SIM card to have contact with their dad only? I would say buy the phone and sim, text the exh and explain the children are missing him and this phone has been purchased for them to communicate with him. He then has the choice to be in contact with his children or not. But I would wait for a reply or call from exh on new phone before telling DC that you have got them this phone, just incase their dad rejects your advances, ultimately rejecting a relationship with them. After all, it sounds like you would like their dad to be in contact with them and actually step up to the mark, but he isn't going the right way about it. If you feel your oldest is strong enough to understand that their dad may not text back or call this new phone you could tell them about it, but not if you feel it will do them emotional damage as it is a very fragile subject. They do not want to feel rejected by their father.

Your children aren't resenting or rejecting your new man, they are just telling you they want their dad and they miss their dad and new man isn't their dad. Until they realise that it is their dad that is making no effort with them they will not understand that you are trying to do what's best for them by protecting their feelings. They need to see their dad for what he is to be able to move on with this. Hopefully exh steps upto the mark and is a decent dad to his children, but considering that seems unlikely at the moment all you can do is show how willing you are for Dc to see and communicate with their dad. That way they won't resent you and they'll respect the fact you wanted them to have a relationship with their dad.

Hope this helps and good luck. X

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