Disappearing xh, new bf and my dc

[Dithering9]

I'm 10 months post separation and XH and I were on and off, mostly off through my choice and his drinking and abusiveness, for 3 years previous. We have 2 dc together aged 7 and 4.

A few months ago I met up with an ex that I've always been on friendly terms with. We go back many years and have good history. He was going through a divorce too. We immediately hit it off again and initially just as friends he started coming round to help me with diy jobs and so he met my dc early on. Nothing strange about that as my dc meet all my friends of both sexes and we love having lots of people in the house. They like him and ask for him to come round and play etc. He engages with them and lets them help him with jobs and so they see him as their friend.

This guy and I ended up getting together and he's now round nearly every night - after my dc have gone to bed - so they haven't seen us as anything but friends and him almost as a handyman and my plan was to keep it that way for some time.

However recently things have gone even further downhill with XH who has started to fade out of our lives - he hasn't seen dc at all for the last month. Now the less my dc see of him the more they seem to idolise him - I don't know if this is the norm but they really see him in a very rosy light. "If daddy was here he'd let me do that" or "I want daddy to come and make pizza with me" etc when really their dad barely acknowledged them when he was around and certainly wouldn't have made bloody pizza with them.

So finally getting to the issue - my ds4 wanted to do something and I said our friend (guy I'm now seeing) would come help him do it. Ds got in a massive strop and cried that he didn't want this guy to help him, he wanted daddy to help him, and he hated the other guy and he just loves daddy. This went on and on and I didn't know what to do - I couldn't comfort him, I can't tell him when he will see his dad again because I don't know, and his dad won't help him do this thing anyway. I recognise that I need to stop mentioning new guy and possibly stop bringing him round when dc are up.

So I want to know what you would do in this situation.

Ten months post separation is hardly anything, they won't have adjusted to the split yet and it was way too soon to introduce a new man regardless of saying he's a handyman etc. Children aren't stupid.

Their needs should come first so your priority should be settling them until they have accepted the split and the minimal contact with dad. You should be trying to ensure they have a relationship with him and putting aside your personal feelings for him.

Your need for another man doesn't trump their feelings just because they are children.

I'm not sure the phone is a good idea? Would it not be a constant reminder of rejection? The ex knows where to find you all presumably if he so wishes.

I've just been through the 'lost dad' with DS7. Started messing around with contact and cancelling it (which had been fortnightly for four years), then didn't call DS on his birthday or Christmas or get him a card or present. Has texted me a few times since (under pressure from his mum) and I've asked him to call but he's not spoken to DS for six months now.

We had been living with my DP for two years at this point; but DS still blamed DP - he thought he was forcing out his dad or trying to take over... it has been an awful time but I have tried to reassure DS that I love him enough for both of us and I'm sure he'll see his dad again at some point just nobody knows when and so on. It's hard.

Ignore those criticising you for moving on, even more so because you all knew this man anyway before you actually got together. What would people have you do, start avoiding anyone male coming to the house in case they were a man and you might end up getting together? Aside from which, ten months is almost a quarter of a four year old’s life, how long would people have you wait?

The only thing I’m not keen on in any circumstance tbh is having a man round after they’re in bed on the basis you think they’re asleep and won’t know. Kids very often aren’t asleep and know far more than we give them credit for in those circumstances, and they’re more likely to want to know why you lied to them when you are up front with them eventually. So I would be inclined to be honest with them and tell them that you and x like each other very much but that that doesn’t change anything between you all, and still keep the interactions as is for the time being, iyswim.

With regards to your eXH, I would be as honest with them as you can and say that at the moment he isn’t around, so although they can text him there are no guarantees that he will reply, so they might want to choose to wait to do the activity until they see him again? That way you’re putting the ball in his court, being as honest as possible with the DC without openly slagging off the ex, and enabling you to all move forward with your lives. I wouldn’t offer anyone else as an alternative to do the activity with them, just let them come to that themselves.

You don’t have to put down your eXH or be totally blunt with them about who/what he is, but the reality is that if he has done this already it is likely to become a pattern and although you can protect them from it now while they’re small, as they grow older they will start to realise for themselves how it is, so you’re essentially delaying the inevitable.

10 months post separation isn't that short a time in a 4 year old's life - especially as XH wasn't living with us consistently for the 18 months or so before that. It's not like a steady, reliable, present dad was suddenly ripped out of my dc's lives. He was barely around. I personally think the issue is that ds is glorifying and idolising his dad in his absence and anyone else will never come close. Which is absolutely fair enough. Believe me when I say I'm doing everything within my power to ensure my dc are settled and happy. My dd is fine. I guess ds is also missing out on that male relationship that he could/should have had with his dad.

Boxsets I am trying to ensure my dc have a relationship with their dad - I don't know why you've said that bit to be honest.

My young children cry for their father some times, i have had to say to them im sorry but daddy doesn't speak to mummy. Not ideal but i have had to say something as their father is so venomous towards me, that me calling him just wouldn't be an option. Its also total true he doesn't talk to me so i know he wouldn't answer if i called him.

The kids kind of get it, they laugh at the thought of their father not talking to me but i believe they feel safe having a degree of the the truth. We all want to protect our children but their also not silly and understand, feel tension.