Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being taken for granted or am I overreacting?!

31 replies

Peach2018 · 08/06/2018 19:52

So I've been with my husband since I was 15, we have two young children together (2 and 4) he works really hard and I am so so thankful to him for that, I work part time, normally 2 days a week. I do EVERYTHING in our house, EVERYTHING to do with the children and EVERYTHING for him. He will walk in when he finishes work and literally not move from the sofa, everything is bought to him and he will sit there on his phone or watching tv until we go to bed. He doesn't really interact with the children, who during this time I'm feeding bathing clearing up after and putting to bed. A few nights a week he goes to the pub with his friends who he spends all day every day with at work. Tonight he was meant to come home and get us a take away, well obviously he hasn't and has gone to the pub till god knows when, and he knows I have had a really hard day today. He ignores my messages and phone calls, I feel as though I'm literally there for his convenience as and when he wants me. Am I overreacting and being unreasonable? I am so grateful for how hard he works I really am, and that is why I do everything for him without questioning it. I'd love to know other people's opinions! Sorry for the rant 🙈

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 08/06/2018 19:55

taken for granted

Fattymcfaterson · 08/06/2018 19:55

My opinion?
You're a doormat.

Brahms3rdracket · 08/06/2018 20:03

Definitely taken for granted. I don't work at all now and my partner does more than that.

Why doesn't he interact with his own children? That's awful, he should be ashamed. There's far more to being a good father than earning money.

Gemini69 · 08/06/2018 20:08

jesus lass... you're his doormat my lovely Flowers

Original poster
Peach2018 · 08/06/2018 20:09

To be honest I think he struggles with them, when he asks he effort with them he is a great dad but it is very rare he does.

I feel so alone to be honest and he does know this, I have told him how I feel. I do it all on my own all the time, I don't have family that helps out and nor does he.

I just find it so strange that it doesn't bother him how I feel, especially when it is very clear how I feel about him and the children and I'd do anything to make them all happy.

I don't know how to even change this situation, obviously I don't want to leave him but I don't want to go on feeling lonely and taken for granted 😏

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 08/06/2018 20:12

Sounds like my exh. When we moved in together he continued with all of his single plans , pub, club, pool, darts etc. The first Sunday I cooked a big lunch, he didn't show - down the club.
Walked in and tipped the plate of food on the bar and left.
Didn't stop his boozing but it stopped me bothering cooking for him.
Went to his dm for lunch after that.
Our relationship never got any better until I ltb.

NotTheFordType · 08/06/2018 20:13

Sounds like he thinks of you as a domestic appliance rather than a life partner. Stop doing stuff for him. You're making a rod for your own back.

Petalflowers · 08/06/2018 20:13

Maybe you need to need to actually spell out what needs doing. Instead of just doing it, ask (or tell) him what to do. Gradually introduce jobs to him such as reading stories, clearing up, hoovering etc.

ThePeasantsAreAtTheGates · 08/06/2018 20:21

You are being taken for granted and you are definitely not overreacting. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this Flowers

BrownTurkey · 08/06/2018 20:24

Its a really misogynistic position to take, that life revolves around him. Really not OK.

Iflyaway · 08/06/2018 20:35

Gradually introduce jobs to him such as reading stories, clearing up, hoovering etc.

FFS, she's not HIS mother! Or a puppy you can train....

Petal, he is already stuck in his ways. Not going to change. He and OP set the scene from the beginning.

You were 15 OP when you got together. How old was he? Also a teenager?

Just because you have 2 children with him does NOT mean you have to put up with it.

Find your strength -which you already have with 2 kids at such a young age - and tell him to fuck the fuck off.

You can do this. But first roll up that doormat and chuck it outside.

Cawfee · 08/06/2018 20:49

He’s taking you for granted

Amyerda · 08/06/2018 20:50

Real sense of entitlement. You are single parent within your marriage. He requires to put his own needs above yours and your children's. Not only does he take you for granted, he abuses his position of power in your relationship. You have invested all of yourself, so it won't be easy to ltb, you have history, kids, financial investment, love. He has no respect for these whatsoever. Great dad? Doubt it... What does he actually do with and for his kids? Look up Duluth power and control wheel, also David Mandel patenting model. Just a start. Information is power for you at the moment. Once you identify inequality within your relationship you can plan to redress the balance. Be safe and good luck

Original poster
Peach2018 · 09/06/2018 11:04

Well when I finally spoke to him last night I tried to explain how I felt and all I got thrown at me was I should be happy for him that he has friends and that he only goes out two or three nights a week so I should feel lucky 🙈 I wouldn't even mind how many times he went out I'd just love for once if he just thought about how I felt. Life's hard enough with two children without feeling like this. My husband is 27 and I'm 25. It was a mutual decision that we would have children, buy a house and have responsibilities young not just mine even though he classes it as 'my job' to deal with it all. I don't know how to even change things now. I really appreciate everyone's advice and opinions!

OP posts:
Melliegrantfirstlady · 09/06/2018 11:09

If he wasn’t there your work load would be so much lighter

Velvetbee · 09/06/2018 11:13

This man does not care about you. He doesn’t even class you as fully human.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 09/06/2018 11:14

Good lord, leave the loser! All he brings to the house is money! He can do that without making more work for you. Can you imagine how damaging it is to children to have a father that doesn’t interact with them? A happy single mum is better any day than an unhappy, overworked mum with a revolting excuse for a husband. Sorry to be harsh but you would have to try really hard to do worse than him this day in age. You sound amazing that you can cope with it.

thedevilinablackdress · 09/06/2018 11:15

I don't often weigh in on relationships threads, but this made me sad.

Apart from money, what does he bring to you and your children's lives? I feel sorry for them being ignored by a parent like that.

He sounds very immature and self centered and needs much more of a kick up the arse than you've given him so far.

Petalflowers · 09/06/2018 13:07

How sad. He doesn’t seem to appreciate that it’s not the going out that the problem, but the lack of effort at home that is the problem,

Honeyroar · 09/06/2018 13:14

He's massively taking you for granted. He's the bloody lucky one - not many others would put up with him. Which nights do you get to see your friends (that he should be pleased you have!). Stop doing everything (anything) for him and giving him such a wonderful easy ride. He's not taken anything you've said onboard- he doesn't care that you feel unhappy or lonely, it's a ok as long as he does what he wants. Put your energies into working out how you could get your life back and move on. You deserve much more than that.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 09/06/2018 13:33

Him not interacting with the children is awful but why have a second knowing that?

On the two days you both work things should be split equal (assuming you work the same number of hours) but the other three days should fall to the person at home. Weekends should be more shared.

Maybe he feels just as taken for granted as he has no choice to work part time as he has to pay for you as well.

Setting down with a teen sweetheart with little freedom prior to having children can also make a relationship harder.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/06/2018 13:41

My XH was like this, only minus the 'friends' thing. He'd come in from work, sit on the sofa, eat his dinner and put the plate on the floor. He thought lifting his feet so I could hoover underneath was contributing to the housework. He didn't lift a finger in the house unless other people came round when he'd display his housework and fathering skills like nobody's business. Which told me that he knew what he should be doing to help, he just didn't want to.

When I told him I wanted to separate, he looked at me as though the hoover had bitten him. I was a glorified domestic appliance. You've got some tough decisions to make, OP. What happens if you go out in the evening when he is there? Does he step up and look after the kids, or insist that they are in bed asleep before you're 'allowed out'?

Passmeabrew · 09/06/2018 13:51

You say you 'obviously don't want to leave' but there is nothing obvious from your posts to show why you feel like this! He contributes nothing to family life or your relationship other than money. If you insist on staying, stop enabling to have everything brought to him on the sofa for a start!!! Tell him to get off the damn sofa and get it himself. Get a backbone and start standing up for yourself.

lifebegins50 · 09/06/2018 13:53

Recognising his selfish behaviour is the first step.

He maybe capable of change but really why would he? What benefit is there to him sharing responsibilities? You would be happier but does he really care about that or are his feelings more important?

Sad to see this attitude so engrained in a young man as its more typical of those raised in the 50s.
You can change your life, maybe he will step up if you start to assert yourself and drop the role of his servant.If not you may have to go it alone which really isn't a bad idea.You will be a young woman when your children are older so a long life ahead of you.

Ryder63 · 09/06/2018 14:02

Blimey - I didn't put up with shit like this 40 years ago! it never ceases to amaze me men like this exist in 2018 - and women enable them.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.