Sad and angry at marriage failure

[Booklover147]

Sorry I’m advance for this post. Hopefully I won’t bore anybody but I’m looking for a bit of advice.
Basically when I look back on my life I realise I’ve been a massively immature and naive idiot and I’m really angry at that realisation. I’m angry because I feel I’ve wasted the best years of my life. And that pretty much I’m going to die and that’s it!
Facts:
I’m now 45 married for 22 years.
Three kids.
My husband is 20 years older.
Dysfunctional childhood
Father physically/emotionally and sexually abusive.
Had a mostly horrible childhood though I loved my mother I have come to realise I was very angry at her most of the time.
Suffered from depression/anxiety mostly all my life.
Tried anti depressants after many years of struggling against taking medication (why?) came off them a year ago.
Self harmed when younger.
Suicidal feelings throughout the last thirty odd years off and on.
Degree educated in a professional job
Life feels like a huge uphill struggle all the time.

So I honestly really don’t feel like I can continue in my marriage the way things are. I often think that people makes a decision but based on different circumstances would make a different decision. Eg if I won the lottery tomorrow I’d buy my husband a beautiful house, in fact I’d probably give him half the winnings. I think I wouldn’t have a problem remaining married if we lived in separate houses and had our separate incomes. Another example is that if my mother was alive I’d have probably moved out long ago with the kids and moved in with her.
But anyway she’s dead and I’m broke.
So I’m thinking of going for a separation but deep down I have a sneaking suspicion that it actually won’t make me any happier. I’m fact the stress of it all ( my husband will definitely get very very bitter and I’m pretty sure he’ll make life as difficult as possible for me) might just tip me over the edge. We pretty much just cohabit a property, my husband has told me loads of times he doesn’t do affection and that he doesn’t understand why I’m unhappy with the marriage as he thinks we are fine and he doesn’t beat me, he’s not an alcoholic, he doesn’t gamble or go with other women etc etc but he is totally emotionally disconnected from me and I feel totally alone 99% of the time.
Looking back we have very little in common and no shared interests. I realise I’m a completely different person now to who I was 20 years ago unfortunately he is pretty much the same person but even though his faults etc were glaringly obviously I didn’t see them. But I see them now and I just don’t want to accept them anymore. I also realise that I have faults too I’m pretty sure I’m not easy to live with. My husband probably thinks he’s an absolute saint for putting up with me.
So what do I do?
I actually do wonder if I have the capacity to be happy and content. If we separate is it going to be a lot of hassle/hardship for no reward??
What do people think?

Forgot to say the marriage is mainly sexless. Looking back it was always pretty much me initiating sex, lack of sex is a huge issue for me but doesn’t seem to bother my husband at all. He got very defensive in the past when I brought it up.

I imagine the 20 year age gap has a lot to do with this

Yes I would imagine it does but he wasn’t really into it twenty years ago either but he was my first boyfriend so I didn’t really know any different

Why did you come off the medication?

Initially I went on it because I realised I was losing my grip, I was incredibly angry and I was afraid of what I would do, I had suicidal thoughts etc. It helped in the sense it deadened me to pretty much everything and took away my libido. I started thinking that it allowed me to accept situations that upset me because I didn’t have the energy to react. I stopped them (probably should’ve tapered them off) a year ago.

There's medication that doesn't take away your (currently unecessary?) libido, and if you're feeling dead to anything it can be a good idea to speak to the doc about reducing the dose. (And yes, not a good idea to go cold turkey.)

You sound like you are still quite down about yourself, thinking you are a pain to live with and not capable of being content; that you're an idiot and have wasted your life. That sounds quite a lot like depression. Also, did you have counselling or just medication? A combination has better long-term results.

Do you have more energy now? Have you had your iron levels checked out? If you have heavy periods that can be an issue (just saying that from your age, when they can go a bit haywire).

You're also quite focused on blame - that your dh has faults you are not prepared to accept. You could reframe that as that your dh has different views, habits and outlook on life to you, ones that someone else might share or not care about, so he would be happier with that someone else and you want to give him that opportunity.

I'd say that if you want to be more content, you need to work on your issues and find a way of getting in a better frame of mind. I think you're right and that won't just happen magically if you separate.

You have a degree, in a professional job, while at the same time raising three children. That sounds like quite an achievement. Stop saying you have wasted your life. What kind of a life did you think you were going to get?

Ravenmum yes I probably am quite focused on blame, I think that’s because rightly or wrongly I feel used and cheated. My biggest wish when young was to marry a nice man, have children and give them the family life I didn’t get as a child. I wanted a loving husband and a best friend all rolled into one. I wanted a warm, safe living home environment where my children could blossom. What I got was a battleground where my husband resented any changes to his life. He actually didn’t want to start a family and only agreed when I told him I couldn’t see a future where I was childless. He was actually quite angry about that which in hindsight should’ve told me something. Looking back I feel like an idiot and am embarrassed by how hard I tried to create this perception of happy families when clearly neither of us were happy. I should have left years ago. If I leave now what’s the point? I’m angry that I allowed my children to grow up in an unhealthy environment when that was the one thing I really didn’t want to happen. I’m angry that I’m weak when I should have been stronger. I feel manipulated and I’m exhausted working full time and trying to hold everything together in the house and at work.
What kind of a life did I expect? I don’t know, better than this? I know there are so many people much much worse off than me with so much more tragedy in their lives. I know I’m relatively lucky to be physically healthy and I’m grateful to have three good kids. I dunno what I expected but it wasn’t this.

I don’t think at my age I’m going to fundamentally change who I am as a person. I have tried to be positive, take up hobbies etc in the past but to be honest I can’t help but see those things as a way to avoid facing up to things, avoidance tactics if you like.

Oh op. I'm so sorry.

I went through such very similar feelings when I left my husband. I have a similar background to you as well. And I wanted just the same things.

And my exh was also ambivalent at best about children, he sort of concealed that from me but I could have seen it if I'd allowed myself to. He basically had DC with me in order to shut me up / shackle.me to him. He thought I'd never leave him.

I'm nearly 3 years out now and the anger has lessened and I've started to feel compassion for the girl I was. I was doing my very best. I didn't know any better and I can't judge that girl based on the woman of today.

Please can't you take some time apart from your husband? Can I suggest going on a painting retreat or something like that. Something where you get away completely and can live out a previously unknown version of yourself... An alternative self. I think that may help you.

Medication may help as well. You do not need to be this unhappy BUT you need to accept that you can't change the past. You must develop compassion for yourself. It will.mean you also have to feel the full grief of what you gave up by choosing the life you did x

You're still young, you've got three kids who you wouldn't have if it wasn't for him and you have a degree with a professional job.

I'm slightly older than you and starting out again but with 4 kids. Not a problem and I'm really looking forward to it. Even arhough we're still living in the same house, the fact that we're separated and i don't have to pretend, I'm happier. I'll hopefully be moving out in the next few months.

Again very hard on yourself.

"I feel like an idiot" - for wanting what most people want and not being able to look into the future?

"I should have left" - you've told us already why you didn't.

"I'm angry that I'm weak" - we all get the cards we get.

"I’m angry that I allowed my children to grow up in an unhealthy environment" - why aren't you angry that your partner did that? Plus I'm assuming that you did your best with the hand of cards you were holding.

You can't turn back time. What's the point of criticising yourself? How will it help?

Prizeoik that idea actually appeals to me. I have a couple of weeks off work maybe I should just up and leave? I will see what I can find and cost it out.
I was actually thinking of just going to a different city for a few days staying in a premier inn just to get a bit of space. Maybe it will help me to put my thoughts in order?
Glad to hear you are happier now you’ve moved on, I agree that I need to let go of the past but I find it very difficult to do so. Thank you for your advice.
Cricrichan I sometimes don’t feel young. I think if we do separate it’s going to be the same as you in that we will probably have to live in the same house. Can’t see it being amicable unfortunately.

I don’t think at my age I’m going to fundamentally change who I am as a person.
My ex dumped me when I was 45. My outlook on life has changed entirely; I had counselling and medication I should have had years ago, and I've met new friends and new men who have given me new ideas.

I have tried to be positive, take up hobbies etc in the past but to be honest I can’t help but see those things as a way to avoid facing up to things, avoidance tactics if you like.
Pfft, hobbies, that's not what you need. You need deep, meaningful processing of your issues, a new start in your life that will change your situation entirely and a boyfriend to get pissed with and "rediscover your sexual side", to put it nicely.

I think the age gap is has a big part to play. And cut yourself some slack OP, you are being proper harsh on yourself

How about moving abroad? :D

Ravenmum you’re 100% right it is pointless to have regrets about things that have happened in the past that I can’t change. I understand that in my head but sometimes find it incredibly difficult to control how I feel about it all emotionally. I am angry at my partner too, he’s childish, selfish and immature not hanging offences obviously and I know I’m not perfect either but I suppose I still feel guilty that I made marriage vows and now I don’t want to be married to him anymore. How do I get the counselling? When I went to the GP she just gave me the tablets there wasn’t anything else offered.
We’ve never cheated on each other but the thought of me being in a sexual relationship with someone else feels like cheating. But if I’m honest it also feels incredibly tempting.

I don’t think moving abroad is an option two of the kids still in school here and my work is here. Too stressful to even contemplate tbh.
SoapOnARoap in what way?

Have a look, cost it out. Planning something for yourself, that alone might be very therapeutic. There are some beautiful painting breaks available all over Europe in the summer.

if I’m honest it also feels incredibly tempting
There's life in the old dog yet :)

I'd take a good look at whether you could move somewhere, though, as living with an ex is very difficult if one or both of you are properly bitter about it. Have a really good look into changing jobs, and speak to someone official about the financial support you could get. Change is scary, but such a big change really can be the spark that relights the fire. It hurts, but also feels important and meaningful.

It's natural and sometimes quite helpful to feel angry; just stop directing it at yourself. The guilt is less helpful; remember that many, many people divorce every day, and in far nastier ways than you are contemplating. Are you saying half the population is crap? :)

It will take a while to stop caring about your ex, but I'd recommend trying to avoid blame if he's going to be difficult.

Have a read of this re counselling: www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/ and a listen to this podcast episode for some other practical ideas on how to get help: bryonysmadworld.telegraph.co.uk/e/mad-world-mandy-stevens/

Okay op, this is how I see it:

You are far from a failure, you are an educated mother of three firstly, and you are a survivor. That counts for a huge amount given what you have lived through.

You are still here hun, and I bet you are a brilliant Mum to boot! In fact I can hear that you are...because when you have experienced a difficult childhood you put so much into motherhood to 'make up' for what was lost and not there in your own.

Just a few observations.

I can't see anywhere in your posts that you have had some support with this. No counselling, no CBT why not? You clearly should be having this as a bare minimum.

You were a young girl, traumatised your 'father figure' came along and made you feel safe and loved. Why the hell wouldn't you marry him? You haven't ever felt safe and contented before, so he gave you stability and everyone sacrificed. You - sex and a youthful life. Him - childless existence.

So why blame yourself for this? You were vulnerable and he was there.

Fast forward to now, and you need to get some help, counselling and advice before you consider divorce.

Being vaguely unsure about what to do is dangerous to your long term happiness. Deal with the inside first, then tackle the outside and leave everything as it is in the meantime.

The city break should happen anyway, it will be a welcome break

Remember you can't escape from yourself (moving abroad, separating and running to the ends of the world won't change this, you were right to note that you may not be any happy outside of your marriage)

So you will have to go in there and start loving the little girl inside you in the end, you start with looking after her and listen to her cries for help, nurturing yourself properly from this day with a close circle of help and support in the shape of counsellors, therapists, close trusted friends and family.

You fix this, and everything else will become crystal clear.

The suggestion of moving abroad was about running away from her ex, who she said might cause trouble!

Summerinrome thank you for replying, what you say makes sense and I’m going to have to spend a bit of time considering it. I totally agree that he was a father figure and that I needed safety and security and I also kind of see that from his perspective I’m not the person he married as I was incredibly subservient then and quite content to idolise him etc. I don’t really have family certainly not ones who would be supportive, they think our father was infallible so I wouldn’t even bother going there. I’ve always found making friends difficult. I have work acquaintances and a couple of friends who know I’m struggling in my marriage but that’s it. I’m quite an insular person tbh and very private which is why counselling has never appealed to me.

Hello OP. You have been through so much but hold onto this thought: you survived. You had to be incredibly strong to get through all that, particularly the childhood abuse.

Your marriage sounds like it is actively making you unhappy. That's enough reason to leave right there.

Can you sit down and do some active investigation into whether you can afford to split, buy/rent another place, what child maintenance he would have to pay, would he do his share of childcare, etc. Not with him - do this on your own, possibly some of it with legal advice.

Sex is a human need. If your partner isn't willing to have sex with you, I would feel totally justified in saying "Fine, but I'll be fucking other people", and then acting on that - in a way that doesn't shove it in their face, but enables you to feel alive again.

Just a note on the "going to a premier inn for a few days" - nothing wrong with PIs but I'd shop around and maybe book a hotel that has a gym/pool/spa if that's your thing, they are often just as cheap if booked in advance and knowing you can go and sit in the Jacuzzi or have a massage if you want one can be very relaxing.