Sad and angry at marriage failure

[Booklover147]

Sorry I’m advance for this post. Hopefully I won’t bore anybody but I’m looking for a bit of advice.
Basically when I look back on my life I realise I’ve been a massively immature and naive idiot and I’m really angry at that realisation. I’m angry because I feel I’ve wasted the best years of my life. And that pretty much I’m going to die and that’s it!
Facts:
I’m now 45 married for 22 years.
Three kids.
My husband is 20 years older.
Dysfunctional childhood
Father physically/emotionally and sexually abusive.
Had a mostly horrible childhood though I loved my mother I have come to realise I was very angry at her most of the time.
Suffered from depression/anxiety mostly all my life.
Tried anti depressants after many years of struggling against taking medication (why?) came off them a year ago.
Self harmed when younger.
Suicidal feelings throughout the last thirty odd years off and on.
Degree educated in a professional job
Life feels like a huge uphill struggle all the time.

So I honestly really don’t feel like I can continue in my marriage the way things are. I often think that people makes a decision but based on different circumstances would make a different decision. Eg if I won the lottery tomorrow I’d buy my husband a beautiful house, in fact I’d probably give him half the winnings. I think I wouldn’t have a problem remaining married if we lived in separate houses and had our separate incomes. Another example is that if my mother was alive I’d have probably moved out long ago with the kids and moved in with her.
But anyway she’s dead and I’m broke.
So I’m thinking of going for a separation but deep down I have a sneaking suspicion that it actually won’t make me any happier. I’m fact the stress of it all ( my husband will definitely get very very bitter and I’m pretty sure he’ll make life as difficult as possible for me) might just tip me over the edge. We pretty much just cohabit a property, my husband has told me loads of times he doesn’t do affection and that he doesn’t understand why I’m unhappy with the marriage as he thinks we are fine and he doesn’t beat me, he’s not an alcoholic, he doesn’t gamble or go with other women etc etc but he is totally emotionally disconnected from me and I feel totally alone 99% of the time.
Looking back we have very little in common and no shared interests. I realise I’m a completely different person now to who I was 20 years ago unfortunately he is pretty much the same person but even though his faults etc were glaringly obviously I didn’t see them. But I see them now and I just don’t want to accept them anymore. I also realise that I have faults too I’m pretty sure I’m not easy to live with. My husband probably thinks he’s an absolute saint for putting up with me.
So what do I do?
I actually do wonder if I have the capacity to be happy and content. If we separate is it going to be a lot of hassle/hardship for no reward??
What do people think?

Sorry also meant to say on the counselling front, the NHS mental health services sector is on its fucking knees due to funding cuts. I would find a private therapist (search the bacp website and interview until you find someone you click with) or if you want to go it alone, I'd recommend this book:
Homecoming by John Bradshaw

The exercises are difficult and painful at first but I have found them incredibly helpful and freeing.

Thank you NottheFordtype I will check out the book. I am actively unhappy in my marriage but I’m honestly not sure if I’ll be any happier out of it. Don’t know if I could actually be upfront and say I wanted to have sex with other people. If I was going to go down that road I’d have to be separated I think I’d just feel too guilty otherwise. Think the main problem is my husband doesn’t actually see anything wrong with his behaviour or the marriage. Like I said before if I won the lottery and we could live apart in our separate houses I think we’d get on a lot better. I do feel he’s let me down in a lot of ways, he knows I struggle with anxiety and depression but advised against medication, I can’t help thinking if he cared about me he would have tried to help. I actually told him via text a few weeks ago that I thought I was possibly bipolar as sometimes I felt okay and full of energy and ther times so low I was suicidal but he texted back something like I’ve noticed and it wasn’t mentioned again. Don’t even know what I was thinking bringing it up.
Anyway when I’ve decided where to go I’ll check out a few hotels thanks

Not read the full thread but I still want to say, just do it.

You are an adult woman NOW. NOW is your chance. So what if it isn't hard work? At least it will be exciting and you get to shape it to some degree.

Take a chance and do the things you want to do where possible. You're not dead yet and I bet your mother would be proud of you. It's ok to stop and rethink and you are not done yet xxxx everything can be sorted out.

IS hard work, sorry.

Thank you something2say that nearly made me cry about my mother being proud of me. I really hope she is. I know I’m scared of change I’m going to go away for a few days soon and try to sort stuff out in my head so I can make a decision on what I need to do.

You sound desperately unhappy. You need to wake up.and realise that you still have years ahead of you, to make the very best of and find happiness and contentment. You need therapy. You say you are in a profession so invest in good private counselling. Work through all the shit that's happened. It won't be easy but it will make you feel a hell of a lot better in the long run.

I was in a similar situation, difficult childhood very erratic and unsettling. Found security at a young age with my husband who was my best friend. Unfortunately he changed over the years I don’t want to give details.
I didn’t have many friends and I was isolated lonely and sad.
I separated he moved out eventually after further emotional abuse.
I’m still lonely but I’m independent and my children are happier. I am working on my self esteem that was left in tatters.
There isn’t a miracle cure it takes work and lots of self care to overcome such trauma.

Told him today that I was desperately unhappy and that I didn’t feel we should be together anymore. (We had discussed this last October but I ended up just feeling guilty and sorry for him and things just reverted back to what they were.) anyway he snapped back fine if that’s what you want that’s what we’ll do and we have just avoided each other since. Kids don’t know anything yet. Where do I go from here?

I guess one of you needs to move out! You need to make a plan I think as he's not going to help you out here. Decide what you think might work and run it past him. As it's your family home I guess either he needs to move out or he needs to be ok to stay there with the kids while you go?

Scares me to death tbh and depresses the life out of me. It also makes me feel ashamed at ending my marriage even though I know he didn’t try at it all and was taking me for granted for a long time.

There is no shame in ending a marriage that has run its course. At the time, it provided you with a safe haven, a substitute father figure, and the children that you wanted. But now you have moved on, grown up, re-assessed your life and needs, and you are ready for a new phase.
I think recognising that is healthy. You are making progress. Far from feeling depressed about it, you should feel invigorated at all the new possibilities for happiness and personal growth.
And btw, you are certainly not old yet! I'm nearly 20 years older than you, and I still feel young and daft. You have a lot of good years to come - grab them with both hands.

Thank you@babdoc you’re very kind. I would much rather we could remain on good terms, especially for the sake of the children but don’t know if it’s possible as he sees me as the selfish one who has grown tired of him and is breaking up the marriage when he did nothing wrong. Even tho tbh it was a pretty funny marriage...

Well done you for telling him. It will be difficult, he will make sure of that. He sounds completely cold and self interested. He won't change so you need to move on. I too suffer hideous guilt at not having provided my DCs with a happy parent childhood but that takes two.... He is relying on your fears to keep you where it suits him, he's not got your best interests at heart. Keep taking small steps and you will get there.

You are still so young please just grab your life with both hands and change it now. Can I ask.you to remember how old you were when you met him? You married in your very early twenties so as a teenager (?) Or very young woman you met a man in his early forties? He's not a nice man he doesn't and won't ever put you first you don't have to spend any more of your life with him.

Sorry my phone skipped the second page missed that you've already told him well done

Well done on speaking to him, and I'm sorry he's replied in such a shitty way.

You are 45, you could find someone who offers you everything you want: support, love, affection, sex!

You had an abusive childhood. The trauma that must be causing you (if you've never fully processed it) might be the cause of some of your depression and anxiety. Especially when you say "I have done the hobbies thing but I think that is just a way of avoiding things, not facing up to things"; really? What are you not facing up to? You don't have to answer that, but the answer to that question is probably where you need to go to heal. You have a hobby because you find it fun! Simple! A lot of people in trauma especially from abuse lose themselves, and don't know what they find enjoyable anymore... I would really recommend you find a counsellor trained in trauma, but I read you are very private and that doesn't appeal. May I recommend a website by Pete Walker all about Complex PTSD. I think you might find it illuminating. It should be on the first page of Google if you search his name and CPTSD.

If you had such an awful childhood, I'm not surprised you want someone who can nurture you physically and emotionally. If your needs weren't met back then, and you don't process that pain fully, you'll spend your whole life trying to do the same. But with this guy, you're just repeating the same pattern you knew growing up: nobody caring about how you feel.

But you have taken the first step, and told him you want out. That is so brave. Well done. This is your life: go and live it and start figuring out what you do want, and go get it - you deserve it!

Morning book lover how are you today?
So you've told him eh? Well done, it's a good start.
Now tho, things may have changed for good.....you're in the middle of a step forward and ought not to change and step back....
Why not make an excuse to be out all day? Take the kids somewhere and set them doing something so you can think?

Home may not be home anymore.
There is a lot of work to be done, so a pad a pen handy?

And now you get to shape things a little....

The best advice I can offer you is to dream.
Seriously.
Dream of what your life could be.
I know of nothing more helpful actually.

And factor in the child abuse.
I run a supportive blog for survivors of child abuse if it would help.
Elhenderson.co.uk
Factor in the holes you think you have after what you've been through and get them down somewhere.
You won't be able to start on everything right away but if it needs doing get it down somewhere and one day you'll get round to it.

Honestly, you are only halfway thro your adult life and half of what's gone, you were a kid, where now you're a grown woman and you've got all these years to come to create what you'd actually like.

So if you're still of a mind, then start now, and don't be daunted.
I've been thro this, leaving men, changing my life and I thoroughly recommend it x you're going to live it x you're going to see how strong you are, how capable, and how happy you can be. So what if you are a bit scared? Learning how not to be maynbe your first healing step x

Regarding your husband, I'd use the broken record technique where you say the same thing kindly and simply.
Repeat what you're thinking and feeling ie I'm sorry, but I really do feel that things are over.
Vary and repeat until he gets the message and give him an hour or so to come to grips with it in the fact of your broken record repeapting of the same kind statement.
Maybe he will just go out but if not, try it.

Good luck xxx

I would much rather we could remain on good terms, especially for the sake of the children but don’t know if it’s possible as he sees me as the selfish one who has grown tired of him and is breaking up the marriage when he did nothing wrong.
Again, I'd really try not to get drawn into the blame game as far as possible. Perhaps go along the lines of "we have both changed", "we want different things", "this will give us both the chance to find someone more suitable", "I wish you all the best" and simply do not mention any of the faults or whatever. If he keeps pushing you to find a "good reason" to go, maybe say that a good reason would involve blaming him, and surely he doesn't want to hear that?! Whatever line you take, like something2say says, just keep repeating it.

You don't have to be on really good terms; if you can just keep it civil and not get the kids involved in the cross fire that's already pretty good.

Meanwhile you need to sort out the practical aspects of the medium and long term. How it will work out until one of you moves, how it will work out until the children are grown, etc. At first there seems like so much to do, but gradually you'll work your way through it.

At first he might come out with some funny reactions/comments - his wife has just said she wants to leave him, it's a shock even if you've brought it up before, and deep down he does know the part he has played in that. At first you just run round like a chicken with its head cut off. When I first spoke to a lawyer my ex was all weird about that, even though I pointed out that that was obviously the next logical step (and even though he had effectively dumped me for another woman).

Do you have any idea why he is the way he is?

Only you can make changes to your life. If you are married I guess you need to separate and/or divorce. Investigate your finances and if he will need to pay child maintenance in the future (or will he be retired, does he have a pension). You need to get some practical things in place. If you do none of these, you will get back together again and start the same cycle of unhappiness. You need to be strong and brave to start again, you need to know what you want in the future. You need to want a fresh start, really need it, do not do anything by halves.