How can I get DH to take on a bigger share of the workload? (Sorry it's long!)

[WoIsMe]

My DH and I split the housework (cooking, cleaning, emptying bins, gardening etc.) pretty evenly between us but I do the rest of the household workload (dentist appointments, birthday parties, school activities, buying clothes for the kids, paying bills etc.) We have four DCs and it is a huge burden that I'm finding difficult, time-consuming and depressing.

Some time ago I told DH that I was going to stop buying birthday and Christmas cards and presents for his family members (parents, siblings, nephews and nieces) and he would have to start doing it again himself. He has managed this pretty well although a couple of presents have arrived a day or two after the birthday.

More recently I asked DH to take over the meal planning and food shopping. He drives past two supermarkets on his commute so it's easy for him to stop for something if we've run out, whereas I work from home so would have to make a special trip out since there isn't a shop within walking distance. I have been doing the bulk of the food shopping for years so I expected that it would take him a while to get to grips with it. However several months later our kids have been begging me to take over the shopping again because they're fed up of running out of biscuits, crisps, yogurts, fruit, bread etc.

I also asked DH to take over ordering and collecting one DC's prescription medicine. He only gets a 30-day supply and it's critical that he doesn't run out plus it's a class B medication so it takes up to a week to get a new supply. I write the number of days of remaining medicine on the calendar with a reminder at ten days to order more but DH keeps leaving it to the last minute. I spent a large portion of the last two days driving between hospital, GP and chemists trying to get an urgent prescription and find a chemist that had the medicine in stock.

So now I'm feeling that I need to take over the food shopping and ordering medication again because DH can't commit to doing it properly. When I look at all the other myriad tasks that I have to do I feel completely overwhelmed by it all. I feel that for every task I complete there are two more that aren't being done. I'm also finding it very difficult to put enough work hours in because of the sheer burden of it all.

My worry is that DH seems so incompetent with these types of tasks because they're just not that important to him. With the family birthdays then he's managing to do it because he gets thanks and attention from people. Whereas if one of the DCs won't eat breakfast because his preferred food has run out then it doesn't matter to DH. I really want to be able to pass some of the household tasks on to DH but it isn't worth it if he won't do them properly. We have had lots of issues in the past with unpaid bills and fines so eventually I ended up taking over most of these tasks. At the moment DH has a parking charge that he keeps forgetting to pay - it's already doubled and it's only going to increase the longer he leaves it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed to persuade their partner to take on a bigger share of the workload... and do it properly?

No Redshoes I cant do any fucking more. I'm at breaking point.

It sounds like you're not coping very well.

The stuff you listed isn't every day things, children don't need new school shoes every day, MOTs are once a year, dentist appointments aren't every month.

Maybe you hand over SOME responsibilities for your DH to do for a month to give you a break.

But honestly, I don't think it's fair if he does it all the time.

I don't mean to sound harsh by the way.

Boxsets I'm not asking for an equal split of household tasks. I think it's quite reasonable that I should do more as I'm working fewer hours. I'm just trying to work out a system where one person isn't completely overloaded by the mental load of organisational and financial tasks while the other can relax in the evening happy that they've done their bit even if their children don't have clothes and shoes that fit, or can't go on their school trip because the forms weren't completed, or that there isn't anything for breakfast.

Most of those jobs are one offs like mot etc, checking clothes fit is a second job and birthday parties take a call to book and maybe twenty minutes to write invites. Boxsets you've clearly never done either of those tasks then. Twenty minutes to organise a party? You can't get any venue round here less than two months in advance so you have to be organised way ahead of time. Invites don't take long to write but what about replying to all the texts that come in and chasing up on people that don't reply. You have to organise a cake and party bags and then when it's all over persuade your child to write thank you letters. More like 20-hours work than 20 minutes. So with four kids that's already more than five weeks of the amount of time I work less than DH just spent on birthday parties. And the same with clothes. If one of the kids goes up a clothes size then I need to get the bag of hand-me-downs out from the garage, work out what's needed and buy new stuff, swap over everything in the drawers, wash anything that needs to be washed before it goes into storage, bag it all up and store it in the garage. Again, a job that takes hours rather than seconds.

Honestly - change to online shopping.
I am sure he enjoys pottering but it isn't the best use of time.
The odd reduced item isn't worth the stress.
Also, you can buy in bulk online and get special offers.
Just making that one small change will free up a couple of hours when he could do food prep and cooking for the freezer.

My DH enjoys pottering round the supermarket. That is fine now because there are only the two of us and it gives him a bit of a break from looking after me. But it isn't efficient.

We have four children, all at different schools, and I get about twelve emails a week to deal with just for school. I deal with all their outside interests: Scouts, music lessons, sports, etc. I organise all their birthday presents and parties, plus replying to invitations and buying presents for parties they attend. I pay all the bills for the household, arrange insurance, MOTs, car servicing, doctors / dentist / paediatrician / audiology /opticians / vet (not for the kids obvs) appointments. I make sure their clothes, school uniform and shoes fit and arrange replacements when necessary. I take the kids to the library when their books are due. I sort out their back accounts and savings. God there’s just so much to do!

None of these are daily or even weekly tasks except for the school run, emails and clubs though? I honestly can't see how you are struggling with these?

Shopping - change to online shopping. Takes 10 mins to do every week. Easy. It's important that you have all the food you want in, so why not meal plan for the week then do an online shop?

I'd take over your dc's medication as well, as it's essential that it;s done in time.

Your dh works more hours than you, so why doesn't he do tasks that are less time-critical?

And why are your 4 dc at different schools?

Also, think seriously about reducing after school activities. Kids really don't need more than one each. It is good for them to learn to entertain themselves.

4 different schools sounds like a nightmare.
I had a couple of years of 3 different schools and that was bad enough.
Once the older ones could travel independently it got better. I still had to pick them up from after school matches etc. That was time consuming. Especially having to drag a tired toddler out again.
Will your dh do the ferrying around in the evenings?

Taco the school emails are a lot to deal with just on their own. At the moment I have to order a class photo for DS3, fill in forms for 30 hours childcare for DS4, order new school jumpers for DS1 for next year as the year 11s have just voted to wear a different coloured jumper, reserve seats for DS1's drama production, help DS2 pack for his school trip next week, buy a bottle to send in for DS2's school fair tombola. Yes each task on it's own is small but the cumulative effect is large and the burden of remembering all of the different things and making sure it's done adds a lot to the mental stress.

Elephant I have one at high school, one at junior school, one at infant school, and one at preschool. In September two will be at the same high school which will hopefully simplify things a little. I was doing all the meal planning and food shopping online but I asked DH to take it over as it seemed to be something he was well suited to doing, and it's convenient for him to stop at the shop on the way home from work if we need something urgently.

WoIsMe - I think you are looking at this the wrong way. It's not about equal distribution of work load. It's about equal distribution of down time.

So in your 2.5 days off a week, are you busy with household stuff non-stop for 8 hours (maybe with an hour sit down for lunch and a cuppa)? Your husband is working that amount of time - none of this is his downtime.

I don't mean any disrespect in that (I have 4 children who each do 3 out of school sports. I understand the mental load). But it does require you to be absolutely honest with yourself. A 2 hour "I can't be arsed today" afternoon is downtime your DH doesn't get.

If you are busy with household tasks for the full 8h of every day your home, then much of what you described must be getting done as part of that.

It then becomes a case of fairly splitting downtime. If you have none in the day, and neither does DH, then split your evening commitments. Taking to sports clubs, scouts etc. Cooking and tidying.

You would be better splitting the tasks done in the evening. Since shopping etc are tasks more easily done when the kids are at school- so by you! Whether it's 'you fly dinner and tidy up, I'll take to swimming'. Or 'you always do dinner and tidy up, I'll always drive the kids around'. Or 'you for Monday, I'll do Tuesday etc'.

Whose decision was it to have four children? Yours, his or joint?

How is 15 hours 2.5 days?

3 days off then endofthelinefinally. (I'd read "part time" and gone for an arbitrary half a week)

OP works 15 hours less per week than her DH.
I imagine her domestic/ financial/ school/ child related work takes up a fair bit of that 15 hours. I think some posters are being a bit unfair.

the burden of remembering all of the different things and making sure it's done adds a lot to the mental stress.
Google Bullet Journal. I promise you it will help with this.

Do you have an actual work space you can shut your door to the rest of the house when you're working?

I'm sorry but you are having a laught at five weeks a year to arrange four children's parties Maybe it's not his time skills that need looking at.

You sound completely mentally overloaded, whether or not he should be doing more is neither here nor there right now.

In your shoes I would sit down with a notebook/big piece of paper and write every single bit down. Even the tiny bits. And try to talk them through.

Then look into what stuff can be automated. What stuff can be on subscription from Amazon? Can you sign up for online prescription/appts at the docs? Delivery pass for supermarket? Moonpig alerts for family birthday cards (bought in advance in one go?)? Online calendar (will look out the names but don't want to lose post now) with a decent paper one perhaps

I think it’s the organisation for four children that tips you over the edge. I have two dc and those little jobs add up and the school stuff can be constant. You have to be very organised to keep on top of it.

FamCal is good I think, does lists too

I think it does sound as if the mental load is unfairly balanced (against you). I'm assuming in your 15 hours 'working less' than your DH, you are busy ferrying the children around, therefore do not have it as 'spare time' to do the mental load stuff. I think if it were me, i would be offloading some of the 'easy' tasks to dh, so although the reminder for booking the mot/taking the car in, pops up your reminder/things to do list, you delegate at that point and ask your dh to do it. Admittedly, you would have to set a second reminder to check he'd done it, but still easier than doing it all yourself. Ditto with the clothes - you still have to sort through what's needed, but then send him shopping for the actual clothes. Thinking about things like the car fine, would it help to have a large white board, where you write down his tasks (that he agrees to do), then at least it's visual for him and hopefully you won't need to remind him too often...other than to look at it and cross things off when they're done.

Fate my weekday involves getting up whenever DS4 wakes us up, getting dressed / breakfast / getting kids ready. DH usually does breakfast for the kids and I get them dressed and pack the younger ones' school stuff and lunches, and brush their teeth since I have an extra half an hour. DH leaves for work at 8, I start the school run at 8:30 and get home about 9:45. I work from home until 2:45 and I generallly have my lunch at my desk. Then I'm out on the school run again and I get home between 4 and 5 p.m. depending on whether DS3 and DS4 want to go to the playground by the preschool. DH gets home by 6 p.m. depending on traffic. The late afternoon and evening are taken up with homework, dinner prep and clean up, and getting the younger children to bed. The two youngest are usually in bed by 8 p.m. and the older two get themselves to bed. I'm not sure exactly where the bags of time I apparently have to do lots of extra tasks is in that schedule.

Fascinated child number four was an accident, we only planned to have three. I probably would be able to manage okay with three but four is enough to tip the scales. Two seemed much, much easier in comparison to four but then they were both at the same school and did e.g. swimming lessons together. Two of my kids have special needs, one behavioural and one with learning difficulties. The youngest are 5 and 3 so still at the age where they need a fair amount of close attention. It's even harder to get things done while engaged in a conversation about which kind of dinosaur you would like to be.

Thanks for the recommendation Momanda I'll have a look at that. I do have a pretty snazzy six-person calendar which I totally couldn't live without.

Sorry for the misunderstanding Boxsets it wasn't five weeks to organise four parties, it was five times the difference in mine and DH's working week. I was trying to point out to people that are minimising the amount of work I'm talking about. A lot of tasks seem pretty simple until you're bogged down in the middle of them.

Hellena that's a great idea for Amazon as I already have a few subscriptions. Even getting things like dishwasher tablets and kitchen roll from Amazon would make the weekly shop that bit easier.

Box sets-she's not saying it takes 5 weeks a year. She is saying she works 15 hours a week less than her husband. Each party is taking 20 hours a week to organise so that's 5 weeks difference accounted for.

I agree that the parties could be simpler and taking a deep breath and rethinking presents (bulk buy cards, stick money in them) would help.

But I all think you are missing the point. She is frazzled from being responsible for remembering to do everything and wants someone else to sometimes think that the youngest needs their toenails cutting or think to pay their own fine. I too find this tiring and have only 2 children.