Boyfriend isn’t romantic in any way

[Gmcprime]

I’ve been seeing someone for three months now, both early 40s, we’re very compatible in a lot of ways except for the fact that I’m very tactile and affectionate, and he’s not. I’m used to telling partners how I feel about them, that I miss them, am thinking of them etc. and in the past have been with people that were the same in this respect.

My current bf never compliments me, even if I’m dressed up to go somewhere nice. I always wear nice clothes/lingerie/nightwear etc and he never comments on it although says he likes it if I ask him (I don’t do this very often!) he never makes the first move to kiss or hug me although seems happy with it and has said he likes kissing/cuddling when I ask him. He’ll never take my hand in public but isn’t the first to let go if I take his hand. He’s never said he misses me or is thinking of me.

I’ve brought up the lack of romance and affection a couple of times and he’s said he’s just like that, and that all his exes have complained about it too. So i can see that I have to accept it or leave.

We’re so compatible in other ways though that I really don’t want to leave him! He shows he cares in lots of other, more practical ways (wanting to spend lots of time together, great with my dd, buying us presents and weekends away, sex life is good, he’s very kind and respectful towards me)

I’m wondering if I will just get more used to it over time or if I will gradually get more unhappy and possibly resentful. Has anyone else been in a similar position and can offer any advice please?

I went out with a guy like this for 4 years and it shattered my confidence and made me feel insecure in the relationship. Some people are affectionate and that's ok and some people aren't and that's ok too but I think it's hard in a relationship if you have one of each. You need to decide where your line is. If this is upsetting you now it may not be right.

You seem fundamentally incompatible.

How can this man be great with your child also if you have only seen each other for three months?. When was he introduced to her?.

You still really hardly know each other and what you're seeing here from him is really not all that great. All this caring stuff from him is making you perhaps feel more obligated to him. His ex's have complained similarly and when someone tells you who they are you would do well to listen. He is not going to change, this is who he is. Life is too short to become unhappy in a relationship and from what you write the relationship is not really all that grand either.

Attila It’s not relevant when he met my child, he is great with her from what I have been able to observe so far. I don’t feel obligated to him, I’m not sure where you got that from. I agree he’s told me who he is and it’s not that I’m not listening, I have listened and accepted that’s the way he is and he’s not going to change. I’m just trying to decide whether the other aspects make up for it, because he’s a good man, we get on extremely well, have fun, sex is good and we have the same values, future plans etc. (I don’t mean we’ve planned a future together, it’s obviously too soon, just that we want the same things out of life) so I want to weigh this up carefully.

Constance yes that’s what I’m worried about, I feel like it’s affecting my confidence a bit now, but wasn’t sure if over a longer amount of time the fact that he cares (which I know he does, he just shows it differently to me) will make me feel more secure.

You're right in one very important respect; he is not going to change. This is who he is.

I write about your DD only because he has indeed met her very early on in this relationship in some capacity. And it is relevant because this relationship is only three months old, I have cheese older than this relationship!

Anyone can be great and behave well with and around other people in the early days as well. He is still on his best behaviour here. His caring for you could make you perhaps feel more obligated to him as a result. You are both still getting to know each other and three months in is really not much in relationship terms. If this is also affecting your confidence then this this is not be the relationship for you, good as it may appear currently.

You can't change people. If you want someone who is more showily romantic then you need to dump him and find that person. We're all different. He's not "wrong" by not being this way, that's who he is. Some women don't want someone who is showily romantic either.

You're incompatible, it's only three months, move on.

And Atilla is right, far too soon to have involvement with your child.

Ok well firstly she’s not a child anymore and he has known her (although not as well) a lot longer from before we started going out, so that is why it’s not really relevant I don’t think, you may disagree but I feel like this is detracting from what I’m asking really.

Not sure how helpful this will be but ive been with my partner for a year and we are the oppsite, he wants to sit and cuddle and compliment me etc. And it just never occurs to me to "make the first move" as im not that way inclined, i can feel just as close to my partner sitting on the sofa cuddling as sitting there not touching.

My partner used to struggle with it a bit as he thought i was being cold and stand offish, i explained im not and now I do make an effort to try and hold his hand if we are out or initiate a cuddle etc. But truthfully im still pretty shit at it.

My partner doesnt mind because he understands A) thats just me and B) i am trying. I think thats the most important thing that he is trying to take into account your feelings even that doesnt amount to 50/50 split of affection.

You're not compatible for a relationship. It sounds more like a friendship, really. It's the romance that makes a difference between a friendship and a relationship - that's missing here.

I'd keep him as a friend but look elsewhere for romance.

Out of genuine interest how can he be good at sex if he's not interested in physical affection?

Q

Queen he’s very affectionate in bed weirdly! And when I brought up the lack of physical affection he was a bit bewildered and said ‘but we kiss loads’ meaning in bed! But to me the two are not quite the same. When we’re not in bed he won’t touch or cuddle or put him arm around me or give me a quick kiss or anything.

Hollowtalk I get what you mean but to me it would be a friendship if there was no affection OR sex, but there is quite a lot of sex, and good sex it is too

Pickles that’s interesting and helpful, thank you

I agree with @PickleyPickles. Except it's the other way round for us!

My partner has told me he's just never been like that, I've explained how it can make me feel distant from him and not cared about. He does try and make an effort sometimes now, but also because we have spoken I feel better and realise he shows me in other ways.

You just have to decide if in the end it all weighs out for you to make you feel how you deserve to feel!

3 months isn't very long. I would personally give it a little time for the relationship to develop

Sweetpea do you mind me asking how long you’ve been together? And have you felt better over time as you’ve felt more secure through the other things he does? This is what I’m hoping will happen for me

I'm supper affectionate and my husband it's quite cold. I kiss him, hug him, cuddle him etc. He likes it but doesn't really much affection so if I want some love I'll just hug him or something. I think about him like he is a cat if I cuddle too much he finds it too much.
I'm fine with it. Complements are thin at best but the way he looks at me tells me all. He loves me.
I just accept that we were raised different and his family are very cold and never affectionate.
We've been together 29 years today. As long he enjoys your affection it doesn't matter if you have to iníciate.
I adore my husband and I feel his love regardless of how much affection or complements I get.
Don't give up as you are enjoying many other aspects of your relationship.

When we're not in bed he won't touch me

That's really horrible. Sexual desire doesn't begin in bed, does it?

Look, the fact is that his previous girlfriends have left because of this. It's making you unhappy and lacking in confidence already. You know it'll get worse.

I think give it more time, take things slowly and see how it goes. I agree that when you are making a lot of effort and not getting any feedback it can be bad for your self esteem.
It really depends on wether he shows you he cares.
Fwiw my ex told me every day he loved me and was very publicly affectionate however his actions showed different. The guy I am seeing just now never says it but shows it.

Hollow tbh it makes me want sex more! And I know he fancies me

Caring and being demonstrative are two different things. I never saw my parents touch, ever, yet they were together for 47 years and had 5 children.
OP, you seem to communicate well with this man, you have a good physical relationship and if you take his hand he doesn’t reject you. I think you need to decide whether you are happy being the one who initiates a hug or books a weekend away. If he is kind and honest, well, there are worse things.

Hollow tbh it makes me want sex more! And I know he fancies me

No idea why that posted again sorry!

If it's important to you, then it matters. You don't have to settle and try to make this work. It does ruin your self esteem over time.

@Gmcprime we've actually been together nearly 5years he has a DD -14 and now we have a 3 month old DD.
I think what helped me aswel is my best friend is actually not into showing affections and she told me how it just doesn't cross her mind - when I told her my problem many moons ago - she said she'd always had to explain to her DP who feels as I do about affection.

I'm slightly insecure (though I hide it well) and had to really tell him how bad it did make me feel which in turn made him feel bad. So I was asking him to accept me and my insecurities and realised I had to accept him, he tries and I recognize that but I also know that sometimes most the time I will have to tell him that I need affection, as he says he's not a mind reader and wants me to be happy and so what if I have to tell him to hold my hand, sit on the same sofa as me etc.

I'll be honest we do argue about it sometimes still, but we know we love each other and No1 is going to be 💯 what you want them to be and where's the fun in that anyway! We laugh, we have 2 beautiful girls and 2 lazy cats..what more could we want, expect maybe another DC 😜