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Original poster

Why do exes get in touch out of the blue?

39 replies

springbabydays · 08/06/2018 10:25

Any experience of this please? What possible reasons could there be? It's been 20 years!

OP posts:
loveisland · 08/06/2018 10:27

Life's not worked out and they are going back through the catalogue?? How was the ex relationship left?

BertieBotts · 08/06/2018 10:30

They want a shag. And yes usually means their current relationship/life in general is not going so well.

It is never idle curiosity.

The only reason to engage would be if you're single AND you broke up due to circumstance rather than behaviour/compatability AND you're interested in seeing them again.

Tenshidarkangel · 08/06/2018 10:30

Depends.
I've had a couple come back and its been purely platonic friendship. They felt bad, wanted to see how I was and we stayed friends.

Others have just wanted a pass to sex.

One wanted another shot.

Depends on the individual. Time heals, makes people change, grow up (or down). Just go into things ultra aware.

ChameleonsInCarsGettingCoffee · 08/06/2018 10:30

Because they want a shag and they think you'd be a possible fast track way to get one.

exexpat · 08/06/2018 10:33

In my experience, usually when they have just split up from a wife/partner...

Not necessarily looking for a shag (one who contacted me a few years back is living on a different continent and no plans to be anywhere within a few thousand miles of me) but possibly thinking nostalgically about past relationships, how the grass was greener back then etc.

ravenmum · 08/06/2018 10:38

When they are single again, they no longer have a partner who might think it was dodgy for them to contact you.

Original poster
springbabydays · 08/06/2018 10:49

Thank you all. I'm not sure what's going on. I thought he was happily married with kids. I was a complete bitch to him when we were together and I've often thought I'd like to contact him and apologise. Now is my opportunity to and I'm caught on the back foot.

I'm a big one for nostalgia so it would be lovely to chat about old times but I'm also in a LTR with children myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
springbabydays · 08/06/2018 11:22

So I've apologised on Messenger as I've wanted to do for years and he says that's ok, our relationship was only really sex anyway!

ShockAngry

Fucking men!!!

OP posts:
loveisland · 08/06/2018 11:45

So that's him getting back in touch for a shag.... men eh!!!

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/06/2018 11:49

I think as we get older we get nostalgic for times when life was simpler, and just want to reconnect with those people who remind us of back then.

Or trying their luck at a shag with someone they don't have to 'waste time' getting to know.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 08/06/2018 11:54

We do it as step nine in AA, making amends ...

Lifebeginner · 08/06/2018 11:55

I've both done this, and been on the receiving end. When I did it, I was feeling down about the present and was looking back on the past with rose-tinted glasses. It wasn't necessary to rekindle anything, but it was definitely nostalgic and a bit wistful.
When I was on the receiving end, an ex had been through a bad breakup and was looking to reconnect. Again, not necessarily to rekindle anything as he knew I was with someone else.

Whatever the reason is, it's definitely unsettling. I've concluded that some things are definitely best left in the past but unfortunately with social media it's all too easy to look an ex up.

HappyLollipop · 08/06/2018 11:58

I think it's to try their luck as I got a FB message from an ex not too long ago asking me out saying how he regretted cheating on me (we were young and he was stupid) and wondering if I still thought we had a chance, he seemed pretty shocked when I told him I'm engaged and have a baby now so there's no chance Grin

Chattymummyhere · 08/06/2018 12:22

Sex mostly. Some times it’s genuine friendship but most of the time its ego boosts. I always seem to know when my ex has a new gf as I always get a text from “her” asking for dirt on him. No idea why he even still has my number and how the hell they actually know who I am as we don’t have each other on social media or anything and split wel over 10years ago now.

Butterflykissess · 08/06/2018 14:15

well its clear why he got back in contact then!

SoapOnARoap · 08/06/2018 15:55

Most relationships last less than a year, so are mainly driven by lust, not love.

Maybe the “it was only sex” mantra was his way of dealing with the split, I wouldn’t let it get to you

MrsExpo · 08/06/2018 16:16

Weirdly, my ex has just got in touch out of the blue as well. We've been divorced for over 20 years!!!! Apparently, he's moving abroad permanently very soon and "wants to say goodbye" .... Confused ... erm? Didn't we do that over 20 years ago? He currently lives in a town around 75 miles from me so we never meet, and, apparently wants me to go over there for a "goodbye" meet up. I think this is one best left alone ....

MiggledyHiggins · 08/06/2018 16:36

I had an ex crawl out of the woodwork after a couple of decades. My guess was that he was looking for the 'old' me as I was insecure and quite naive at the time and he probably thought I'd do for a shag or several after his marriage ended.

He pretty much confirmed it when I unfriended him due to his cheesy lines.

I've connected with a few ex's on facebook and all of them had no agenda, just happy to get in touch and see how each other's lives are doing now.

Slundle · 08/06/2018 16:59

I've had this happen...his marriage had broken down and he contacted me saying he regretted ever leaving me and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him etc. Quite the bombshell.

I think 9 times out of 10 it really is because they're in some way dissatisfied with their lives. I know we all look back when we should look forward. I definitely do.

SingleDingle · 08/06/2018 22:54

@Lobsterquadrille2 Can I ask, are the 12 steps done in order? I ask because I had an ex contact me a few years ago, citing the need to make amends as his reason. But he had only been going to AA for less than a month, so surely wouldn’t be on step 9 already. It soon transpired that he was a bullshitter anyway, but I’m just curious. Thanks!

Lobsterquadrille2 · 09/06/2018 06:45

@SingleDingle yes, the steps are done in order, and very unlikely that you'd be on step nine within a month! However, the amends aspect is very important to some people so they skip to nine from one, if that makes sense. Step one is admitting we are powerless and our lives have become unmanageable and basically that's the crucial one. People can stay on that for ages. Then we do an inventory..... it's all about admitting where we have gone wrong really. Some people do the steps really quickly but I'd say three months is the fastest I have ever known.

NiceViper · 09/06/2018 07:45

It might be a fit of nostalgia, with side order of passing curiosity, and they've contacted all their old college friends, former Scouts, girlfriends, footie team members from 10 years ago etc. I sometimes google names of old friends, just because sometimes something has made me think of a time in the past.

Not everyone is always looking for a shag.

daisychain01 · 09/06/2018 07:52

I had an ex contact me when they found out I had been widowed. How weird is that. Like "that's good, Daisy is single now, she's bound to be pleased to hear from me" um nope, we broke up for a reason, you're a creep, and that reason is the same in fact thanks for confirming my decision!" Grin

daisychain01 · 09/06/2018 07:53

Not everyone is always looking for a shag

Statistically that's probably about 1% lol

BasinHaircut · 09/06/2018 08:02

A couple of years ago I got a voicemail from my old university boyfriend.

Ours was a complicated relationship and he completely broke my heart. We are part of a wide friendship group and did always stay in touch through other people if that makes sense, but only ever saw each other max once per year. We are both married and at the time I had DS.

Anyway, he had form for big gestures and being a bit dramatic, and would always come back to me after things hadn’t worked out with another girl (and I was young, dumb and so in love with him).

Anyway I get this voicemail and the tone was really ‘familiar’ saying how he really wanted to speak to me, it was important and could I call him back. I assumed that he had separated from his wife and wanted to meet up —for a shag— and I was so angry, so I called him back to give him a piece of my fucking mind.

Turns out he phoned to tell me he and his wife were expecting their first child, and I was on the list of people he thought of as important enough for that news directly!

So after years of awkward friendliness at social events, we have now become really good friends.

It’s not always bad.

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