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Original poster

How to deal with man who is hot/cold?

41 replies

MonkeysAndPuzzles1 · 08/06/2018 09:05

Grateful for any experience or views.

I've been seeing a man for about 5 months, met on OLD. Initially he was very keen and tbh he has remained keen on messenger (daily messages etc).

However, he's never been as available as me on meeting up. There are some good reasons for this, we both have young dc, divorces, jobs and it's an hour to get to each other.

He's very nice and kind as a person, but when I've felt him getting 'cold' ie too busy to meet for a couple of weeks or cancelling on me due to work, I've backed off and given him space. I've tried to keep my self respect and not chased for dates, pretty much given up etc. However, he will then come back and start chasing dates with me Confused

I find the whole thing really confusing. If he likes me then we should be seeing each other weekly or so (even a busy person can manage this, with occasional cancellations of course). If he doesn't like me he should let me go, like I said, I don't suggest dates unless he is 'hot' and seems interested.

Is there any conversation that I can have with him about this that isn't too heavy? I don't want to marry him, he is a lovely person and I like him a lot but this all seems to be hard work.

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 08/06/2018 09:07

Why would you tolerate this behaviour? He's making you paranoid which is not a good quality at all.

MissConductUS · 08/06/2018 09:09

He's seeing someone else. Move on.

Neolara · 08/06/2018 09:10

Five months in, its not meant to be this hard work. Relationships are meant to make you feel good, not bad. You've given it a go, but it doesn't seem to be giving you what you want, so I'd move on.

mrbob · 08/06/2018 09:10

Walk away. It won't change. He will just do enough to keep you on a string and stop you leaving. Read "Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" and it will make a lot of sense. But don't bother with talking to him. He will say the right things and it won't make any difference. You will end up with a destroyed self esteem because you will think it is you (it isn't)

Original poster
MonkeysAndPuzzles1 · 08/06/2018 09:11

So you think he's seeing someone else? Or still dating?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 08/06/2018 09:13

If he likes me then we should be seeing each other weekly or so (even a busy person can manage this, with occasional cancellations of course)

Actually, that's not necessarily the case at all. I once started dating a woman who worked in the Police. Her shifts were such that she might work four nights then three days off, then four nights on, then two days off, then four days on. It fizzled out after a few dates because it could be three weeks between dates because, being previously single, we also had busy diaries to keep us from being sat at home doing stuff.

And I had a normal job and neither of us had kids.

What it boils down to is you want to see someone more often and either he isn't physically able to give you that or doesn't want to. Answer in both cases is move on.

Babyblue32 · 08/06/2018 09:14

So.... when you say seeing do you just mean talking? You've not met yet? If so... why are you bothering! No-one is that busy. 5 months and not able to meet.

Stop talking to him, and find someone that's willing to actually have a relationship not just someone to message.

If he messages again and chases you be like sorry I'm busy. And don't talk to him again

Merryoldgoat · 08/06/2018 09:14

He’s not committed to you. It sounds like he’s seeing someone else to me but even if he’s not, he’s not treating you well.

As PP said, 5 months in should still be loads of fun, not this nonsense,

Beaverhausen · 08/06/2018 09:14

He is definately still dabbling with OLD, the best thing for you to do is to continue dating and hopefully a better match will pop up. Enjoy dating, if you are not committed to someone which he obviously is not to you, it should not stop you from casual dating.

Do not try and rush into a relationship, as the ladies have said it should not be this hard in the beginning

Timefortea99 · 08/06/2018 09:17

You are being played, whether he is dating others or not. Life is too short for games. He likes the power. Let him drift out of your life. He is being rude and ill mannered.

AbsolutelyBeginning · 08/06/2018 09:18

So you think he's seeing someone else? Or still dating?

Either or both, but it doesn't matter. What matters is this relationship isn't working for you.

Don't give him headspace. Move on to someone who doesn't do this to you.

Original poster
MonkeysAndPuzzles1 · 08/06/2018 09:21

Babyblue we do meet, but he's so 'busy' it usually ends up only every couple of weeks. Tbh I have suspected he may be seeing someone else or still on OLD as we've been sleeping together a couple of months and I don't believe a red blooded male who enjoys it would be happy to have such gaps in seeing me, unless he had someone else to fill the gaps...

How do I break it off nicely? Just say it isn't working for me as I want more?

OP posts:
Nquartz · 08/06/2018 09:24

Just say it's not working out. He's hardly being considerate to you so you don't owe him much

meowimacat · 08/06/2018 09:27

Read the traits of an emotionally unavailable man - google it. This is who you are dating. I wasted 5 months on the same type of guy. There is no point. You have to walk away, no matter how much you like them.

If someone likes you that much, they will make the effort. Sadly OLD is full of EA men.

Original poster
MonkeysAndPuzzles1 · 08/06/2018 09:30

That's the frustrating thing, he's super nice when I see him and also in his daily communications, which is why I was confused...but you're right, this will never grow into a proper relationship, if he was keen he'd be on my doorstep and not on my messenger Smile

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 08/06/2018 09:34

The message I try so hard to get across to my daughter is that relationships should not be hard work. He should be excited and looking forward to seeing you. Why would you want to be with someone who wasn’t?

UghAgh · 08/06/2018 09:38

He could just be busy and wanting to take things slowly 🤷🏻‍♀️. It must be hard to tell. What does he say when you talk to him about it?

Original poster
MonkeysAndPuzzles1 · 08/06/2018 09:47

UghAgh he has usually got reasonable reasons for not seeing me, such as working late, kids ill or because it's his overnights with the kids. However there are other things about him being 'cold' sometimes, such as him not wanting to stay over due to work in the morning, cancelling dates too often etc.

Whether he's dating other people or just emotionally unavailable, I suppose I have to move on at this stage. I am sad and disappointed to stop it though as I like him.

OP posts:
MrsRolandRat · 08/06/2018 10:03

I think he's most definitely keeping his options open and I'd be pretty certain he's seeing others and just keeping you sweet/on the back burner. It hurts and it's not nice, move on and find someone who wants to see you at least once a week!

Remember actions speak louder than words! His actions aren't matching his words here.

Babyblue32 · 08/06/2018 10:40

Yeah he's seeing someone else or has different options.
Meh don't stay away for that long... he's getting what he needs elsewhere.
You don't have to be super nice about it

How about

Hey, look... I'm not into this seeing you every few weeks and talking constantly and you being on and off. I think it's best we leave it. All the best in finding what you're looking for

Cricrichan · 08/06/2018 11:59

With my lifestyle I doubt I'd be able to see anyone who lived an hour away more than every couple of weeks. Do you drive to his?

Hellywelly10 · 08/06/2018 12:04

I dont understand have you met him in real life op?

Original poster
MonkeysAndPuzzles1 · 08/06/2018 13:35

Helly yes we've met, see each other every couple of weeks usually.

Cric I do agree and I'm busy too, but I don't really understand how you can become more than friends if seeing someone so infrequently?

OP posts:
Thisisthepits · 08/06/2018 16:15

Please be careful. I was in the same situation and it turned out I was being used purely for sex while he bided his time waiting for his first choice to be ready for a relationship with him. I thought we were building a relationship when really he was building one with her. He would be hot one minute, we’d meet up, he’d go cold and distant and then when he wanted attention again he’d turn back into Mr Hot. I was constantly cancelled due to work, kids, friends. I’d ask to see him more and he’d say all the right things but he’d never act on them. I’d catch him lying to me about seeing his first choice and it was turned round on me as snooping.

I totally agree about the sex thing. If they enjoy sex, then unless they’re getting it elsewhere (or at least hoping/making plans for it elsewhere with another woman), they would be seeing you far more often.

Thisisthepits · 08/06/2018 16:19

My emotionally avoidant man spent hours messaging me and sending pictures of him and his kids to make me feel close to him and part of his life without him actually needing to see me in person. He never made plans to see me at the weekend. He used the excuse that I had my kids yet he knew I’d happily arrange childcare so that I could have a day out. I thought the best of him, I believed the nice things he said. Facts are that someone who genuinely wants you wont be hot/cold and will want to spend quality time with you, they won’t leave you guessing if they want you.

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