How to deal with man who is hot/cold?

[MonkeysAndPuzzles1]

Grateful for any experience or views.

I've been seeing a man for about 5 months, met on OLD. Initially he was very keen and tbh he has remained keen on messenger (daily messages etc).

However, he's never been as available as me on meeting up. There are some good reasons for this, we both have young dc, divorces, jobs and it's an hour to get to each other.

He's very nice and kind as a person, but when I've felt him getting 'cold' ie too busy to meet for a couple of weeks or cancelling on me due to work, I've backed off and given him space. I've tried to keep my self respect and not chased for dates, pretty much given up etc. However, he will then come back and start chasing dates with me

I find the whole thing really confusing. If he likes me then we should be seeing each other weekly or so (even a busy person can manage this, with occasional cancellations of course). If he doesn't like me he should let me go, like I said, I don't suggest dates unless he is 'hot' and seems interested.

Is there any conversation that I can have with him about this that isn't too heavy? I don't want to marry him, he is a lovely person and I like him a lot but this all seems to be hard work.

I think you either accept him for who he is or leave.

I don’t agree with a lot of people who are saying there is necessarily someone else. Work is important to a lot of people & their main focus.

You don't.

This behavior isn't normal and nothing but a mind fuck the longer it goes on.

Op you cant control what he does. But you can control what you do. Personally i know this sort of FB arrangement doesnt work for me.

Why are you even bothering to analyse him? He's not available enough for your liking, blows hot and cold etc. What do you want him for? I can't imagine it's enough to hold the attention, I'd have knocked this on the head by now.

& it should be blatantly obvious to you he's got someone else.

I never understand why "lives 1 hour away" is mentioned as if it's a huge distance . If leaving his at 7 to get to yours by 8(!) is hassle, + you're both so busy then there's no time being put aside for a relationship anyway

You can do better than that

There might not be another women but he does sound like he’s avoidant in terms of his attachment style. It’s worth looking up if you haven’t already.

Or you may be a place filler, sad as that sounds.

I think he might multiple dating. Have you asked him?
It sounds too casual to me as nice as he might be.
I would become less available and see how that works.

Can't you just tell him that you like him very much but you'd expected to be seeing somebody more regularly if it was deepening as a connection, so its best you stop seeing each other?

My dd has had a succession of relationships with men who are on a scale from emotionally distant to abusive. She has spent 4 years hovering over her phone waiting for messages or wondering whether to send a message or worrying about what the response will be to a message she sent. Or worrying about what a message “he” sent means. And wondering whether to make arrangements with friends because she never knew what “he” would be doing. For the first time she is now in a “normal” relationship (fingers crossed). He is excited about seeing her, makes arrangements to see her, apologizes if he hasn’t replied to her, lets her know where he is and if he’s going to be off the radar for a while because of work or being with other friends or doing sport. Crucially, he treats her with the consideration and politeness you would expect from a friend . It is like a revelation to her.

Expect no less than that, OP. And, everyone, teach your dds to expect no less.

I think that sometimes we expect relationships to progress quite quickly whereas the reality of life - kids, work etc does not allow for this . It may not be that he is seeing someone else . You could ask of course ?? - it's what people seem to do these days in the world of OLD . I know these things are awkward . I even had the discussion re sexual health with the guy I'm seeing currently - never in my life thought I would be doing that being of an older generation who just used to jump into bed with anyone. I don't know why you can't initiate things yourself more ? You say he gets "cold" ...maybe he thinks you are .....? I do know though that you feel sometimes as if you are doing all the running so I actually said to him that I was never sure if I was harassing him in trying to set up a place/time ( he has a lot of commitments ) and he said I never was . Too often we are second guessing . Stop any game playing and just try to arrange something - what's the worst that can happen ? The thing that you are currently imagining ....best of luck OP.

I sounds very casual, are you sure he actually wants a relationship?

Thanks all. I guess I need to chat to him a bit, without getting too heavy! To the pp who have said back off a bit etc, that's the confusing thing, as I have backed off a few times when I feel he's not able to see me etc but he has never wanted me to go.

I know he wants a relationship of sorts, just not too many physical dates as he has a very busy life.

He wants 'a relationship of sorts......without too many physical dates'.

Like a fuck buddy. Which is exactly what he has with you.

All this angst over a 5 month fb is wasting your time, op, he has told you what he wants, LISTEN TO HIM. 'Chats' won't change anything apart from making you look needy and desperate. Just bin if you are not happy fgs!

Don't be scared to ask questions, don't be scared to ask for what you want. I think the problem with most women is that they want to appear cool and laid back, and they try not to rock the boat. Have you even asked him what he is looking for? Are your expectations aligned? You sound quite nonchalant about him seeing other people. Is that the case?

I don't actually recommend backing off and giving space. This gives him an illusion that you are there when he wants, and else you are cool about the arrangement, whatever it is.

I had a boyfriend like this, it was so hard I adored him which probably was not healthy. It was on and off so many times I slowly moved on by socializing with other people and dating someone else. He did marry had kids, a few years ago he died of cancer. His widow a lovely woman met a lovely guy and remarried. Only then did it come out that her marriage with my ex. was not a happy one, the hot cold treatment had continued until the day he died. He was cranky to the staff in the hospice apparently the day before he died and insisted on being moved to another hospice.

So no they never change.

Just tell him you don't feel like you see each other enough and you want a relationship with someone you can see more regularly- he will either up his game immediately if he's serious, or you walk away..

I’ve just broken up with someone like this. Completely unavailable emotionally and my anxiety levels were going through the roof. Had enough of being kept at arms length so had to tell him. Things need to change....he chose not to. I was being lenient right to the end.....should have pulled the plug months ago looking back but when you fall for someone it’s hard to see clearly.