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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I will be having a face off with my in-laws on Wednesday - need advice on how not to lose it!

39 replies

Taylormama · 21/05/2007 15:51

to cut a very long story short always had issues with them and their utter lack of interest involvement with us/DS (Step MIL and FIL) but a precis of the last week is as follows:

DS had chicken pox and was rather been unwell for a week. I was basically juggling work and looking after him for most of the time - MIL gave me a hand one night as i had a late meeting and DH was away again
Had a massive run-in with Step MIL who as per usual has done nothing to help me whilst he has been ill - FIL and her have not visited ONCE ... i had to beg them to at least drop one meal round so i didn't have to stress about cooking - she turned up with them and was sooooo unsupportive. Basically she asked me why my freezer wasn't stocked, why i didn't get my mum to help (my mum lives 200 miles away!) and maybe i shouldn't work fulltime. No offer of anything - I know my DS is our responsibility but they live 15 mins away and never sodding lift a finger -
i know a lot of you are going through much more than this and some of this may sound self-indulgent but i want to sort it out once and for all - they profess to wanting to spend time with us but never do - so my question is - how can i get them to see that living 10 mins away and not seeing their grandson is not on ... i could forgive the lack of practical help, if they occasionally dropped in to see us/him.

I want to have a discussion with them about it without screaming etc ...

OP posts:
Twiglett · 21/05/2007 15:55

I'm sorry but sort what out

I think you have it right wen you say tat 'I know my DS is our responsibility'

would you treat a friend the way you treat your StepMIL .. would you ask her to bring you food? how would you ask? would you show big appreciation even if they turn up late? buy them flowers?

I think actually you might have to appreciate that you have no rights to the kind of support you seem to expect .. that if it is given (as it was by your MIL) then you should be extremely grateful .. if it is given grudgingly possibly even more so because they are doing it for being asked

I'm sorry .. I know its hard raising a child particularly when working too and te child is sick .. but you have no rights for others to help .. most of us don't have relatives nearby we can treat as unpaid helpers

Twiglett · 21/05/2007 15:55

my 'h' key is jammed sorry

wheresmysuntan · 21/05/2007 15:58

Sorry - agree with Twiglet. Why should a step MIL have any obligation to see your child?

Original poster
Taylormama · 21/05/2007 15:59

i know Twiglett what you are saying - i think i am more sad that they don't see him really at all and perhaps last week bought it into sharp focus that they don't see him regulalry never mind if he is ill... i know he is my responsibility utterly and that is my problem, and when things are bad that is also my problem - i guess i feel let down and that is perhaps because of my expectations

OP posts:
Cammelia · 21/05/2007 16:01

Maybe they find you rather demanding?

mylittlestar · 21/05/2007 16:02

I think the issue seems to be that they never call in and make an effort to see or spend time with him, even if he's ill. And that's why you're upset. Which is fair enough tbh. It annoys me so much when my dad goes on about his amazing grandson and all the things his grandson can do and say, but is never actually in our house long enough to witness any of it first hand!

Not sure how you could raise it with them though or what you could say.

I'd juat think to yourself it's their loss if they're missing out on ds's childhood and leave them to it.

Twiglett · 21/05/2007 16:06

I think I'd take a deep breath, accept the status quo and start to treat them like a 'friend'

when ds is better invite them for lunch or arrange to meet them for a picnic .. make sure that you and DP are looking after the child and you are trying to enjoy their company (alcohol can help ) ... then really you have done what you can to build happy memories between DS and his grand (step-grand) parents .. and you never know te relationship might start to develop where they may just offer to help (possibly as he gets older) because its coming from them

hayes · 21/05/2007 16:07

sorry to hear your ds has been ill.

My in laws don't visit at all often and we don't go to theirs often either (both of our choices) they like contact with the children but only for around 20 mins each time (they live around 30 miles away) they are both busy, pretty much self centred people and I don't get upset now about the situation. You can't force people to take an interest in your children unfortunately. Its their loss.....

moondog · 21/05/2007 16:09

You can't get shitty because your step MIL doesn;'t bring around a meal for Chrissakes! It's not her job!
What's the matter with a bloody sandwich.

Blimey,you sound scarily demanding.

Your kid,your home,your responsibility.

warthog · 21/05/2007 16:13

i'm sorry, i'm with the others. you can't expect anything of step-mil.

Saturn74 · 21/05/2007 16:14

I think you've clarified that your main issue here is that your step MIL and FIL don't see your son as often as you like.
When you meet them you could comment that as everyone is so busy, would it make sense to make a regular date to all meet up. Then you can all discuss how often this should be, and where.
Maybe suggest that the first meet-up is at your house, and offer to cook dinner. Make their favourite meal and start off on a positive note.

Freckle · 21/05/2007 16:19

My MIL, who lives a 10 minute drive (less if I'm driving ), rarely calls in to see the boys. She spends time every week with her granddaughter, but seems totally disinterested in her grandsons. There's nothing I can do about it (horses, water and drink spring to mind), so I just accept that it's her loss because they are bright, articulate and entertaining.

Trying to sort out a regular date might work, but could also lead to frustration if they don't stick to the arrangement.

cornsilk · 21/05/2007 16:30

My MIL and FIL don't help with our ds's at all - have never baby sat - 10 mins away. It's just what they're like. They didn't have a paricularly loving relationship with dh as a child either, but they get on okay now - probably better in fact. I know they'll be able to have a better relationship when ds's are older.

MascaraOHara · 21/05/2007 16:34

me and my parents are very close. if I felt to ill to cook a meal I'd get a take-away.. I'd enevr dream of asking my mother to cook us a meal even though she'd do it no questions asked.. it's not her job and I wouldn't put on her and I'd never in a million years ask dp's mother.

fireflyfairy2 · 21/05/2007 16:36

My ILs dont help with my kids

They babysit if I ask them to, and they will offer sometimes to sit with the kids if I have something else to do.

But to expect them to bring a meal round That's controlling and bossy, and Oh I just would never ever^ do it

rowan1971 · 21/05/2007 16:46

Some people just aren't very keen on babies/small kids. You might find that they become more active grandparents when your child is older.

KTeePee · 21/05/2007 16:59

Maybe if you had asked them to pop in to babysit for an hour so you could get to the shops without ds they would have been more responsive - but then again maybe they would have felt your dh could have picked up some shopping on the way home from work...

Don't have the luxury of family nearby - and have done the working full-time with kids thing too - so can't really empathise I'm afraid!

themildmanneredjanitor · 21/05/2007 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 21/05/2007 17:14

i think its one of those adult miestones SOME of us have to go through.

when you realise your parents love you or lov your dh but don't rightly give a fuck about your kids (other than a howdy do)

IM CERTAIN the - you made your bed - i aint babysitting cya i'moff to barthelona ...AGAIN...chow bellla i'm off to pub again.... line will come up.

thats beucase hay ho - i've done my bit.

call me grandma. grandmas are the mean ones. grrrrrrrr

kate100 · 21/05/2007 17:23

I don't expect any help from my family with my children, if they offer that's great and I will accept. However, if they didn't or they said 'no', then I would accept that it's not their responsibility and change my plans accordingly.

If my DS was ill and I was too tired to make a meal, I would get a take away.

Perhaps, you are expecting too much? I have friends whose parents don't babysit at all, their attitude is 'we want to see our grandchildren, but we've raised a family and we've done our bit already', maybe that's how your in-laws feel?

Mrbatters · 21/05/2007 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sakura · 22/05/2007 08:13

I see that you are stressed by this.
But if she is your step MIL, then she doesnt really have any connection to your kids, in fact it may be <span class="italic">hurting</span> her to have to spend time with you and your kids because its a constant reminder that her husband was in love with another woman once. Its disrespectful of your FIL to expect her to help you out. I would be hurt if I was expected to help out with my DHs ex-wife`s kids. FIL could bring you some food, but not your step MIL.

I would give anything to have your step MIL as my real MIL because she seems unobtrusive, and leaves you alone.
Believe me, its much worse to have a domineering, interfering MIL.

3sEnough · 22/05/2007 08:17

Hi - I wouldn't say anything - that's life unfortunately.

P.S. The mildmanneredjanitor - you do know that you can't catch shingles from chicken pox don't you - it's the other way round!

saltire · 22/05/2007 08:21

I find this interesting because the OPs step MIl could be my step MIL. The difference is that step MIL has been married to PIL longer thatn MIL was - step MIL and he have been together 26 years, MIL and he were married for 6. PIL is always going on about how proud he is of his son "my son the rugby player" "my son the rugby referee". No mention at all of DH's 21 years in the military. They insist on being called gran and Grandpa, yet do nothin to act like grandparents, never visit us, never call, we have to do all the running. So I can see the OPs point about them not doing anything with their grandchild. As for the meals, well I would never ask step MIL because she wouldn't do it. I would just have a bit of toast

TinyGang · 22/05/2007 08:28

You sound quite exhausted and stressed out with everything. Careful you don't blow it completely by saying something in anger to them which will take ages to repair.

Maybe, as she's a step mil, she's not too sure how involved she should get.

Perhaps you need to arrange some teas, picnics etc to get the ball rolling and kick start the relationship. Build a fun relationship with them for ds and then if/when he's ill or things are stressed they'll feel more spontaneous about stepping into help out. Include them in the good times so they feel natural about popping round.

Also yes, I do agree, stock up your freezer. Even if it's only with quick stuff you can microwave. A week of eating like that is sometimes necessary when you have a lot on and don't have time.

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