I will be having a face off with my in-laws on Wednesday - need advice on how not to lose it!

[Taylormama]

to cut a very long story short always had issues with them and their utter lack of interest involvement with us/DS (Step MIL and FIL) but a precis of the last week is as follows:

DS had chicken pox and was rather been unwell for a week. I was basically juggling work and looking after him for most of the time - MIL gave me a hand one night as i had a late meeting and DH was away again
Had a massive run-in with Step MIL who as per usual has done nothing to help me whilst he has been ill - FIL and her have not visited ONCE ... i had to beg them to at least drop one meal round so i didn't have to stress about cooking - she turned up with them and was sooooo unsupportive. Basically she asked me why my freezer wasn't stocked, why i didn't get my mum to help (my mum lives 200 miles away!) and maybe i shouldn't work fulltime. No offer of anything - I know my DS is our responsibility but they live 15 mins away and never sodding lift a finger -
i know a lot of you are going through much more than this and some of this may sound self-indulgent but i want to sort it out once and for all - they profess to wanting to spend time with us but never do - so my question is - how can i get them to see that living 10 mins away and not seeing their grandson is not on ... i could forgive the lack of practical help, if they occasionally dropped in to see us/him.

I want to have a discussion with them about it without screaming etc ...

I sympathise with you (when you've got an ill child, your knackered and someone comes into your house and makes unhelpful comments about your lack of freezer-filling skills, it doesn't exactly endear you to them!) but I seriously wouldn't bother saying anything. Write them off as childcare or help, and see them simply as relatives who happen to live close by. xxx

My parents live in Dublin, so I get no help.

My sister gets help, and that is fine. But if the children are poorly my Mum and Dad run 100 miles the other way.

Why should your IL's expose themselves to the risk of shingles ??

I work part time and nearly always have a meal or two in the freezer. When you get time make a big batch of tomato sauce with lots of garlic in it. Defrost it, add pasta, hey ho dinner and you will not have had to "beg" for someone to cook for you.

Hope you feel a bit more sorted soon, but I would counsel against a showdown.

p.s. I don't think the OP really wants to hear about how fantastically organised everyone else is, to be honest.

Also, forgot to say, I do think older people worry about contact with chicken pox.

There is always the confusion about whether it does or doesn't start off shingles - I don't think it can, but it's a widely held belief.

My parents do see the dc often, but when they all had cp they stayed away.

Agree with tinygang - when our DC had chicken pox elderly (I don't mean parents generation, I mean grandparents) cancelled on us because of shingles risk, but everything I read up on the internet said you couldn't catch shingles from chicken pox. But you can't really just say to somebody "you are wrong, we are coming anyway, despite how uncomfortable/worried it will make you feel" can you?

Taylormama I don't think you will gain anything by having this standoff unfortunately so I would advise against it.

I agree with Twiglett. Don't have it out with them on Wednesday there is no point, it will just cause bad feeling. Remember it works both ways in 15 years time when your lo's are independent your FIL and Step MIL will be requiring your help and you can give them the number of meals on wheels...

TM, sorry to hear you've had a crappy week. Unfortunately, I've come to realise that we can hope for involvement from grandparents but to expect it is to set ourselves up for disappointment. They've done their bit for mankind in parenting their own children and have the right to take it or leave it when it comes to grandchildren. I would advise against a showdown with them (that's what it would come to, regardless of best intentions) and just accept what they are willing to offer.

thank you - i am stressed and very tired after a crappy week. As i said in my OP i understand my DS is my responsibility 100% and not theirs (that is as it should be) and usually everything ticks along just fine until this meltdown.

I don't think there is anything to gain from being angry so i will hold myself in check - whatever they want to do they will do and that will be the end of it ...

TM, the other thing I wonder is how much support your DH has been. It seems to be all about you and other family members, but your DS has two parents.

sorry buut don't think you have a right ot expect any help, if they offer fine and make a big show of thanking them . Might be worth gettign some readymeals in the freezer for future emergencies. It is horrible when the kids are unwell and you're on your own but sadly that is life sometimes. tbh I don't think there is any discussion worth having.

i would be a bit upset in your situation too. i think families should pull together especially when you obviously need a bit of support!
i am lucky to have great in laws and can't imagine it if, as grand parents, they were not willing to help out with dc's if i needed them.

I think the best thing to do is to have a calm discussion, tell them how much ds enjoys being with his nanny and grandad, suggest you do a few things all together (a day out or something to build some bridges), confide in them - your reasons for working full time, your worry about ds, what you find hard. get them on your side. it may be that they have no idea. good luck

if they don't come, they don't come

just leave it

agree with Twig

you get good grandparents and not-so-good ones (and yes, you're right, some of us have much bigger problems with our in-laws - if not cooking meals/ not visiting were the only areas my pils were lacking in I'd be much happier thanks very much)

I honestly don't see that you have anything to say to them that doesn't sound unreasonable at present

he had chicken pox. I've spent days in hospital with dd but still me and dh have managed to keep everyone fed. I'm not boasting but this is going to happen with children and you do have to have an element of 'being prepared'

you have a difference in how you see the relationship of grandparents working. You expect help they do nothing.

This is a tough one - you could give them some ideas on what you expect and consider normal and see how they take this - or you could just leave things as they are and just get on with things as they are.

Good luck with this.

Sorry to hear you've had a hard time. Hope things are starting to improve again.