Prev threads www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3253667-My-Dad-strikes-again-actually-upset-me-this-time
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3242430-My-Dads-just-rang-and-had-a-massive-go-at-me
If you don't want to read those, basically he's been awful for a long time, since I was very little. He's not always awful, and I actually do really like him for many reasons. I also love him and feel somewhat sorry for him, alongside being still scared of him (odd, I know).
Since the first thread, I've learned he told several other family members the thing he was supposedly annoyed with me about divulging, about a family death, very casually which only corroborates the theory that he just has to make a reason to have a go at me, it isn't a valid matter at all, he didn't care and it truly didn't matter who I told, but the fact I did tell (my Mum, who already knew!) gave him ammunition.
With the second thread, I'd theorised (with MN help!) that he actually engineers situations so he can have a go at me.
The latest is he's fallen out with my Mum for 'taking my side' (I/e telling him he's out of order for doing what he did). He's told her he wants separate lives from now on (they have been married 36 years and together 43 ish?). :(
My Mum's upset. I don't want that. Another relative of my Mum's has told her to never be involved at all between anything that occurs between me and my Dad, in order to stop herself being 'in the middle'. I agree with this for my Mum's sake, and i am totally guilty of involving my Mum, out of fear of approaching my Dad alone, however I know it won't help mine and my Dad's situation. Nor will her not being involed hinder it-well perhaps it will. . okay admittedly, I just don't know.
Of the point I make about him engineering situations, my Mum reminded me tonight of another example. I have a half sister, 18 years my senior who lives close by both me and my parents, that's two separate houses, I live with DP but in the same vicinity
Two years ago it was her birthday and she had a (significant birthday) party in a local venue, band, cocktails, loads of friends and family. It was a lovely evening. My Dad decided at the last minute not to come to the party because he was in a bad mood, which was weird as he'd been really looking forward to it (he brought my Sister up from being 5 ish). I didn't live locally at the time and had arranged to stay at my parents that night.
After the party, my sister, her Husband and some of her friends, and our Mum all went back to my Sister's house for drinks and food. After a while my Mum said she wanted to go home, whereas I wanted to stay a bit longer.
My Mum said no problem, I'll leave the door unlocked for you. I said okay.
After it was getting a bit late, I messaged my mum and said I'd sleep at my Sisters, to avoid disturbing them coming in, (It wasn't late, late but I felt it unnecessary and my Sister had offered) and so they didn't have to leave the door unlocked. She replied saying that's fine.
This message never got to my Dad. Unbeknown to me, he'd decided it was wrong to leave the door unlocked and he would wait up until I got in. Obviously I went to sleep at my Sister's and didn't come in.
The next morning, I went to collect my Sister's presents from my parents house and was met with a bellowing, angry, LIVID Dad who was so angry I can't even describe it, because he'd apparently waited up all night for me to come in and had had no sleep and it was all my fault. I am ashamed of myself over this but I got the presents and ran from the house back to my Sisters and I had tears in my eyes at her house over the way he'd been with me. I was so scared and upset, didn't know he'd be that way. I didnt think I had done anything wrong at all.
The thing I am ashamed over is my Sister's daughter was there when I returned, she was only 13 and I don't think I conducted myself well, crying and explaining what my Dad was like with me. I wasn't dramatic at all, don't get me wrong. Just walked in with tears in my eyes and explained how angry he was. I'm not a shouty, loud person at all.
The point of this though is, if he didn't want to sleep with the door open (VERY low crime village, rural-ish area but that's by the by), that's fine BUT:
My Sister's garden has one fence between that and my Parents thus, he could have shouted over the fence that I should come get the key, from where we all were we'd have heard. He could have spent all of 30 seconds walking to the house and giving me the key, telling me to sleep there or come home. He could have rang me, my Sister or my Bro in law and explained he didn't want to leave the door unlocked and asked what I was doing and what time and/or given me the spare key.
He could have locked the door and text me saying to sleep at my Sister's. he could have damned well come and joined in and not being a misery. He could have done anything BUT, he wouldn't because then he'd have had nothing to have a go at me about the following morning.
Anyway, my situation now is, my Mum says he's said unless she takes 'his side' (I hate that, we're not 10 year olds!) their marriage will be over. She also says he will absolutely not approach me to talk about it. He is convinced he's in the right.
I don't want to lose my Dad. I like him when he's not being a complete *&£$.I also don't want to approach him and apologise when I've done nothing wrong. (Or at least don't think I have).
I said I am content to pretend its' all never happened. I am content to continue as if it didn't, I do not want to cause ructions in such a long marriage.
My Mum says also she thinks my Dad's had a warped way of thinking about things for so long, he's actually gone mad, and needs help.
He'd never engage with help.
What do I do now. Gut tells me to leave the area asap (I moved her to be closer to them all and have a job here now) so no more problems are caused. But I guess perhaps I'm asking for advice. I just feel so stressed and sad.