Asking for space from abusive DH

[doingmybest1]

Hi everyone,

My husband has been emotionally abusive for years. Having read similar posts I can see how he's just chipped away at me....some of it is small, some of it bigger and I have two daughters, one who is approaching her teens and he is vile to them too.

After loads of counselling, talking to friends and family, trying to get him to seek help (which he promised he would do but hasn't), I've decided that enough is enough.

I want to ask for space and for him to leave the marital home for a while. Given I have two DD's is this the right thing to do? I cannot bear how he speaks to me and them any longer.

I am hoping I don't have to get anyone else
Involved at present - is that being too hopeful?

Any advice about what to say to the girls, what to do if he refuses?

I've taken out a credit card and extended my overdraft in case he gets nasty.

Also, my work is suffering, I've only been there for 9 months, should I speak with my boss?

TIA xxx

If he’s abusive this is likely to continue. He is very unlikely to be reasonable. So best plan on the basis that he will refuse to leave.

You could seek help from a womens organisation, and tell your GP and the DCs’ school about the emotional abuse towards you and your DDs.

Leaving him is the right thing to do, yes.

How old are your DDs; teens or younger?. The age appropriate truth is necessary here for them.

I am glad that you have decided enough is enough, not just for you but for your DDs as well who have likely seen and also heard far more than you care to realise. He has harmed them too because they have seen you as their mum being abused. They cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons on relationships because they could well repeat this themselves.

It is too hopeful not to get anyone else involved; apart from anything else abuse like this thrives on secrecy. Time to bust this wide open now and not cover for him any longer.

What Loopytiles also wrote here. I would seek legal advice with regards to separation and divorce from him asap. Contacting Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 could also help you no end as would speaking to the Rights of Women organisation re legal rights. Speak with your boss also.

He may well refuse to leave the marital home and I doubt he will be at all reasonable or amenable to any request you make in any event. He is going to get nasty because he will sense his loss of control of you. You need a plan to leave and to remain safe. He will also likely make the whole process of you separating from him as long and protracted as possible. Separating from him will give you the freedom you have not had in years.

Such men take a long time, years even, to recover from and that process will only properly start once you are away from him. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this could assist you further too.

I've told my neighbours (we live remotely) so
That they can be on alert.

He's only emotionally abusive mainly (he did kick me once though and threw me across the room but that was years ago (I know, I should have left then).

I will let the school know

Any other advice?

Thanks Attila....my daughters are 10 and 8 and do know what he's like. They say he's horrible. They always want to sleep
With me and they follow me around a lot...they are incredibly needy.

Do you think it's appropriate to tell them?

Zzz

Do speak to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Presumably as well it was his idea in the main to live remotely; if so that was all part of his abusive plan to further isolate and control you socially.

As I wrote earlier, your recovery from his abuses of you will take a long time, years even. Your DDs will need support too because they will have picked up on all the vibes between you and he even if they did not directly see violence.

My counsellor told me that I should stay in our marital home and ask him to leave. She said it was important not to leave the marital
Home for the sake of the girls.

Thank you for the number, I will call them and ask about my rights.

Thanks so much xxx

Your and the DCs’ safety is more important than remaining in the home.

Is your counsellor aware of the past physical abuse. That may well change her advice.

Yes but she knows it was a long time ago. He's been so
Awful recently, I've just been thinking about everything that's happened. I can't believe I have stayed this long. Me and the girls are going camping for the weekend, we'll be gone by the time he gets home tomorrow.

I am still unsure about whether to talk to my boss. Next week is going to awful.

He's now calling me cruel for asking him to leave. Any idea how to respond?

Well of course he's going to disagree and blame you for everything, it's all part of the abuse. Just keep calmly telling him that you'd like him to leave...don't engage further than that.

Don't respond, OP. There is no way to respond or to reason with someone who is emotionally abusive.

I'm sure he is. That's the textbook abuser response. Nothing you respond with will influence it. You are NOT cruel. He is.

You can do the Freedom Programme online if you can't find one near you. freedomprogramme.co.uk It covers all the tactics abusers use when you finally stand up to them and leave them.

I'm very concerned that your therapist doesn't seem to have had the most robust training in abuse if she's unaware that leaving the abuser is the most dangerous time and that even men who have never previously used violence can turn violent once they realise they've lost control of you. Your safety is more important than the family home. If you haven't already please take advice from WA. They know their stuff. This isn't a normal breakup like your therapist appears to be thinking.

If you feel afraid or he continues to refuse to leave, please call the police. You're not wasting their time, you're not overreacting. He has been violent to you previously, he has nothing to lose now you are ending his power over you. If necessary moving into a refuge for a while so that you and your girls can build your future lives in safety would be the right thing to do.

You are doing the best thing you could possibly do for you and your daughters. When they are older they will be glad you did this for them. If they're that afraid, they obviously understand far more than you realise already. To be clear, they're not needy, they're afraid.

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing. I really hope you have no intention of this only being temporary. Abusers do not change. They might play act for a while to get their claws into you, but they don't change. If you take him back, he will know that he can get away with even worse behaviour because you won't leave.

I agree that it won't be coincidental that you live somewhere so isolated.

Call WA. Do the FP. Take legal advice. Arm yourself with information. Do not hesitate to call the police if you need to. Do your daughters know how to call the police in an emergency? Or to run to the neighbours?

He's making it all about him, about how sad he feels, how he can't sleep...

I can't remember where my book is at the moment or I'd show you the page to show you how textbook he is being. So:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

It's all lies designed to manipulate you.

oh lord.. good luck OP...

Oh god. He's done the emotional blackmail. He feels devastated, can't believe how I could be that cruel to him (?!!!!) where will he go?

I asked him 'are you able to help with any of the housework that needs doing?' this was done in the nicest way possible. He raised his voice and said 'what do you WANT me to do'. He then accused me of being passive aggressive....is it?

I'm at my wits end. He's saying all those things, promise I will change, I'll get counseling etc etc....

I did yoga this morning and noticed my hands were shaking uncontrollably. Do you think this is a side effect of the emotional turmoil?

Yes. Don't listen to him, he won't change.

I know it's incredibly difficult but you must keep going. Keep telling yourself that there's light at the end of the tunnel, and don't let him guilt you into changing your mind - you have done nothing wrong.

Thank you LB. My youngest daughter old me yesterday how she 'hates' him and he's horrible and that I keep giving him chances....she's 8 years old.

My therapist said I need to stand firm and stay in the family home for the kids.

I'm such a fool and an emotional wreck. He's made me feel
So bad. I don't have the strength to kick him out. I feel so weak and low.

He's been promising for months that he will get help/change and he hasn't done anything. He said he thought he could do it on his own but he can't. He also said that he doesn't know what to do and needs my help.

Thank you cambionome

I can see how much he's made you doubt yourself. He's counting on being able to exploit that to break your resolve. If it helps, re read this thread when you have doubts. See it written down in black and white.

He is saying anything he can think of to try and convince you or coerce you into taking him back. That's all this is. The reason it's getting to you is because you are a kind, caring person who doesn't want to hurt anyone - the opposite of how he is trying to paint you.

I'm not surprised your hands were shaking. I'm sure it is a direct result of all this. Good on you for doing something for yourself amidst all this though.

Can you cut contact with him so you can have a break from everything he's saying? Or has he not left the house yet?

Also, it might not be a priority now, but I meant to say before that I did make my employer aware. Not with details, just the headlines, that DV was involved and that no information about me should be given out, etc. I also had a conversation with my line manager so they could support me a bit more.

You are doing the right thing. Keep telling yourself that. Once you've had time without him in your ear it will get easier to believe.

It must have been hard to hear that from your daughter, but she's a very smart and observant child. It's a good sign that she felt able to tell you that. If you can't picture your own future, picture the happy, safe future you want for her. Think of the relationship you will be able to nurture with her without him there causing fear and pain and disrupting it. Stick with it for her and her sister.

I will be holding you in my thoughts.

Have you got a family member or good friend who will come and support you while he leaves, op?
It's better to make a firm deadline with the date he is to leave and have
backup on the day while he leaves.

Poor diddums!

And you've not been sad and had sleepless nights due to his behaviour, have you?

Thanks LB. Really appreciate your thoughts.

Yep, haven't slept properly for 10
Years and I have to admit to taking sleeping tablets every night for the last year. I'm really not in a good way. Holding it together...

I took my girls camping this weekend with some friends. It's not the first time the three of us have been away with out him but boy do I notice the difference when he's not there! Less stress, no shouting and we had a great time. There were 9 other families there, whilst I'm sure there relationships aren't perfect, I did take the time to observe a little and all I could see was respect, love and team work between the couples. Opened my eyes so much to how a normal relationship should be...

Thing is, I know I can do this alone, I don't need him. I just need the strength to get through the next few months.

Update. He's currently seeing a psychologist and is planning to admit abuse and wishes to sort out his anger issues. He is going to ask for help with how he reacts when tired/stressed....I have no idea if it will work. Does anyone have any experience of this working?