Asking for space from abusive DH

[doingmybest1]

Hi everyone,

My husband has been emotionally abusive for years. Having read similar posts I can see how he's just chipped away at me....some of it is small, some of it bigger and I have two daughters, one who is approaching her teens and he is vile to them too.

After loads of counselling, talking to friends and family, trying to get him to seek help (which he promised he would do but hasn't), I've decided that enough is enough.

I want to ask for space and for him to leave the marital home for a while. Given I have two DD's is this the right thing to do? I cannot bear how he speaks to me and them any longer.

I am hoping I don't have to get anyone else
Involved at present - is that being too hopeful?

Any advice about what to say to the girls, what to do if he refuses?

I've taken out a credit card and extended my overdraft in case he gets nasty.

Also, my work is suffering, I've only been there for 9 months, should I speak with my boss?

TIA xxx

I would disregard what he says now and communicate with him only through Solicitors.

He's merely paying lip service to his abuses of you and trying to get you on side and in your head to sow seeds of doubt. I doubt very much if the psychologist will get far with him even if he does attend such sessions. Abusive men do not do well in sessions generally and are averse to therapy. He would likely need years of therapy and even then there are no guarantees. This is deeply ingrained within his psyche, he feels entitled to act like this and he feels he has done nothing wrong here. Such people as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Abuse is about power and control; he still wants absolute over you and your kids. Anger management courses as well are no answer to domestic violence. He has a problem with anger, your anger when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

You need to plan and continue your exit from this marriage asap.

Is he out of the house now?

Actions not words. It's all too little too late.

If he does manage to change, it will be months or years before you can be confident that it will stick. In the meantime you need to separate for the sake of your children and he can work on himself alone. If he means it, he will do the work even if you're not together.

He needs to carry on doing the therapy but whilst living apart.

Well if he is really serious about changing, he needs to leave, seek help and show you he has changed for a period of time. Then and only then could you consider taking him back. (For what it’s worth he won’t change but by asking this you get him out the house and can make plans to make it more permanent).

No he won't change.
Abusers very very rarely do.
He's been using this method for decades and you've been enabling it.
Ask him to leave while he undergoes this 'transformation'
Then you will consider 'dating' him again once he improves.
But get him gone!
What is the house situation?
Mortgaged? Rented?
Who's name is it in?
You need some RL support if it's nearby.
A friend or relative. To be with you when you TELL him to leave.
You cannot keep your poor DD's in this awful situation.
They HATE him.
You need to get him away from them. FAST!

‘He is seeing a therapist and will admit abuse and look at ways to manage his stress and tiredness’ so his abuse is blamed on tiredness and stress. He is an abusive bully who has worn you down over years. One of your DD hates him. Has he actually left the home as I can’t see anywhere that states he did actually leave.

Please don't allow yourself to be manipulated by him further OP.. get him out of your girls lives...