Help my daughter, her dad has left me

[RexandCherry123]

Yesterday out of nowhere my husband told me he was leaving us. He said he wanted more time for himself and that the new job he has is full of people who go out a lot and he wants to find his joy. I was stunned. We had our second baby a boy 7 months ago and though I concede we’re in a rut due to the amount of effort a baby requires and deserves I didn’t think we were unhappy. Our 13 year old is devastated. She’s blaming herself one minute, angry the next. She is crying constantly. I want to help her more than anything. I am 36, we have been married 7 years and always were best friends but he struggles with the kids. I am really attentive as a mother and have spent much less time with my husband, ex husband, soon to be ex husband whichever it is but the baba has struggled with his teething so much and has never slept well. It has been tiring but I saw that it’d end. It seems he just decided family life was too much for him and he just left. Poof. Gone. I’m aching. I’m confused. He gave no concrete answers. He just said he wanted to spend more time and money on himself and that he isn’t happy. He’d not discussed it before. It was just out of the blue. He didn’t seem to comprehend that it was cataclysmic for our entire family. He honestly seems to just have decided it’s all too much. I need to help my daughter through this without losing my mind at the same time. I need to find a job so I don’t lose our house, I have so many huge decisions to make now all of a sudden and I need my daughter to understand it’s not her fault. Please advise me on all or any aspect of this as I’m so shellshocked.

So very sorry op, this is truly horrible for you, but you have no choice but to be strong for your daughter and son.

Keep telling your DD how much you love her and that in time she will feel better, can you get her some counselling?

As for money can you get a lodger to help with bills, if you have a spare room you can earn up to £7,500 tax free per year. Its easy money, also if you chose carefully, (a woman is safer) it can be fun.

Time to be very strong and take as much money from any joint accounts and put into just yours, you will need to secure your home and future.

Tell EXH he has to start paying you maintenance asap, really fight hard for this and as much as possible, it is the least he can do.
Get CPS advice.

Brush up Cv and get online to look for work, l know you must be reeling but you need to be job hunting, and also this will provide a good example to your DD.

Good Luck op, and l am so sorry..

Book an appointment with CAB to see what benefits you can claim. Now you are a single parent so you can claim for a variety of different things. Ring CMS tomorrow and get the claim lodged. Look into housing benefit. He can’t just Swan off and spend all of his money. You will get maintenance. Also, go see a solicitor about what rights you have regarding the house. Rights for Women do a free legal advice line in the evenings. So sorry this has happened to you. The best advice I can give is to pull your daughter towards you and become best buddies. Be each other’s rock. Watch an episode of the Gilmore girls (on Netflix) and you’ll get what I mean. You can be lorelai and Rory. You go show him that you don’t need him. He doesn’t want you guys, you don’t want him. Do all the things you couldn’t do when he was around. Do a girlie pamper eve in front of a movie...I hope karma bites him on the arse because he doesn’t deserve any of you and he’s a poor excuse of a man

Christ, op, what a horrible shock. sending you sympathy and flowers. Bug hugs for your dd.

Where has he gone?

- for you and your dd and baby. How appalling. Sorry but what a sorry excuse for an arsehole your husband is.

I have no advice but wtf 'he wants more time and money for himself' how will he manage that with providing an added home and time with his DC?

Sorry OP what a shit of a man !
Tell dd you love her, maybe get her some counselling ? Let the school know ?
Agree some joint pampering for you both. Above all tell her it’s not her fault.
For you generally: legal advice and apply for child maintenance. Find out what benefits you can apply for. If feasible , look for work. As pp said maybe getting a lodger would be the easiest if you have a spare room.

What a selfish man! It's all mememe! What about you and the DC? Chase him for everything you can get, and I hope his new life turns out to be a bitter disappointment. Wish you well

"Wants to find his joy"
"Wants to spend more time and money on himself"

We would all like one, more or all of these things, but we don't act like pantomime Dames and flounce out of the house after reaching for the smelling salts. The reason why is we are not selfish or narcissistic (for the most part). Life can be bloody hard, but we get on with it.

No discussion, no thought of his family and of into the night he goes. What appalling behaviour, utterly cowardly, with total disregard for you and your bc.

Your daughter is understandably heartbroken, all I can suggest is that you and her need to be a team to get through this. None of this is her fault you have to keep telling her this. I think you could be a great duo.

Men do not normally announce they are of and out the door, so be prepared for something.

Still waters run deep, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Chin up, and change the locks.

Try and lead by example, it’s fine to show emotion but try and be strong for your daughter so she feels she still has a parent she can rely on. There’s a balance between showing her it’s okay to be sad and upset (which is good, for her to see that it’s normal and good to cry) and losing it completely, which will likely make her even more upset and afraid.

I’d resist the whole ‘NONE of this is your fault and we still love you’ as for most kids that only puts the idea it could possibly be their fault and you could stop loving them in their mind. After all, why go out of your way to say it’s not their fault unless there’s a chance your daughter could reasonably be at fault?

Just try and show her quiet strength, that it’s painful right now and the best you can both hope for is to get through the rest of today and then worry about tomorrow.

I hope you have close friends who you can rely on right now too 💛

I have DD school coming out today to discuss supporting her. My mum and dad and friends have been amazing. I’m going to show a strong exterior and sort out everything that needs to be done as an example to her. Your advice has been great. We are big lovers of the Gilmore girls so will start from the beginning! I’ve arranged for a mediator and am going to the job centre to arrange benefits today. I’ve updated my CV and have people coming up to see me and the kids. I’ve got an ache in my heart, I can’t eat and I wish I understood why, why, why. My brain is having trouble catching up with what has happened. So many years and we were happy. I know he’s struggled with the baby and how the baby has taken so much of the time and energy I used to give to him but I can’t get my head around the fact that he packed his bags and left us. I’ll accept it eventually but in the mean time I have our kids, our cats, guinea pig, house, bills, cleaning to do and I have benefits, maintenance and a job to sort out. DD seems less distressed this morning, she’s off school though. It comes in waves of terror and regret and grief but I have to stay afloat for the kids and I will. I’ll save my tears for bedtime and play super Mum during the day

Just to add - stop blaming yourself. He's decided to jump ship when the going was tough, choosing to opt out and walk away. How dare he do this to you and your children.

Sending you a big hug, OP. You are still in shock, and the waves of terror and grief will be at their worst just now. But I promise you things will get easier with time, and you are doing brilliantly with holding it together and starting to organise all the financial stuff etc.
My DH died suddenly when the kids were babies, and I went through a similar process, so I do understand something of what you’re going through.
Grab every source of help available to you - family, friends, school, church, solicitor and so on. Be very gentle with yourself and DD, comfort each other and find some nice things to do together to start building a happy new life without that selfish pathetic chap.
And believe in yourself - you absolutely can handle this. My prayers and best wishes to you. God bless.

Your husband is a total shit, but obviously you can't tell her that. I'm so sorry.

Let her be angry. Let her be upset. Listen to her. This will take many months for you both to work through and that's normal and OK.

Tell her school what's happening so they can support her too.

And today - or at least this week - find yourself an excellent divorce lawyer. also, get hold of and keep safe copies of payslips/bank statements etc. You can't make him stay but you can at least make him pay his way. Don't put this off.

Well done op, you are brave.

What a total cunt.

I hope he soon realises he has less money after paying maintenance and running his own bedsit. And that he will have the kids two nights a week so less time to himself anyway.

I wonder what his new work mates will think of him. Presumably they do a lot of socialising and he has been telling them he can't come because of the baby. So today he will go in saying "hey guys, I can come to the pub now I've left my family"

Stay strong OP, you will get through this, and there will be a life of happiness ahead for you.

What could people think? It’s totally dishonourable behaviour. I am pretty sure it’s another woman. No one would just up sticks without a plan in mind unless life was unliveable and that’s not the case at all. He reckons he’s going to just sign the bills into my name and wash his hands of everything. What he doesn’t know is that he’ll be dealing with my solicitor from now on and he has responsibilities. It aches in my gut but the school were great and we’ve got a very strong support system in place for DD. DS knows nothing about any of this and has been chasing my mums dog in his walker and shrieking with glee. Little mite.

Good for you with the solicitor.

If you have join savings move your fair share into an account in your name. Get legal advice and pursue child support.

OP, Just wanted to say that while your kids dad sounds like a monumental twat, their mum is beyond brilliant. You sound really strong and focussed, with your priorities in check.

He’s pathetic and I hope he gets his karma.

First thing you do is get in touch with the child maintenance people and get them to work out how much he has to pay. Dont wait for him to 'sort' himself out. Hell soon find living on his own running his own property isnt all its cracked up to be and will probably try and come home with his tail between his legs...I hope you dont take him back.

His head was probably turned by someone at his new job, shell probably ditch him etc so stay strong.

Ive nowhere to go but forward. It’ll hit me like a tonne of bricks but right now I have to secure our home and our lifestyle for the kids. My parents are amazing. Mum has slept in bed with me every night and has been by my side. I will NOT take him back. The reason is simple, he has hurt my babies and my parents who treated him as a son. He has also disrespected our past, our future, the home we made and all the sacrifices I’ve made. He’s taken a torch to the secure world I lived in. What he has done is unforgivable. Only a glutton for punishment would put their head back into the mouth of the dog that bit them. I’d bite back.

He reckons he’s going to just sign the bills into my name and wash his hands of everything.

Does this mean he's going to sign the house over to you? Because that could be very favourable depending on its value and the remaining mortgage.

No thr house we live in belongs to my parents. He’s literally just wanting to hand the bills to me and move on.

That’s awfully kind of him!!
Take it that he hasn’t twigged that he still needs to pay for his children?

I think your right about ow. You sound
So amazing, I had a similar experience with ds father when he was a baby and it was hard but with the support of my family I got a job and met someone else! I met someone else got married and had more dc, I’m thankful I’m not still with him. Thinking of you You will get through this even though you don’t think you will.

I just KNOW you're going to look back in 6 months and be so happy that loser left you. You're already being so strong and you sound like a great mum. He's going to feel 100x shitter than you right now when he realises what an awful decision he made. Lots of love and keep pushing forward