Help my daughter, her dad has left me

[RexandCherry123]

Yesterday out of nowhere my husband told me he was leaving us. He said he wanted more time for himself and that the new job he has is full of people who go out a lot and he wants to find his joy. I was stunned. We had our second baby a boy 7 months ago and though I concede we’re in a rut due to the amount of effort a baby requires and deserves I didn’t think we were unhappy. Our 13 year old is devastated. She’s blaming herself one minute, angry the next. She is crying constantly. I want to help her more than anything. I am 36, we have been married 7 years and always were best friends but he struggles with the kids. I am really attentive as a mother and have spent much less time with my husband, ex husband, soon to be ex husband whichever it is but the baba has struggled with his teething so much and has never slept well. It has been tiring but I saw that it’d end. It seems he just decided family life was too much for him and he just left. Poof. Gone. I’m aching. I’m confused. He gave no concrete answers. He just said he wanted to spend more time and money on himself and that he isn’t happy. He’d not discussed it before. It was just out of the blue. He didn’t seem to comprehend that it was cataclysmic for our entire family. He honestly seems to just have decided it’s all too much. I need to help my daughter through this without losing my mind at the same time. I need to find a job so I don’t lose our house, I have so many huge decisions to make now all of a sudden and I need my daughter to understand it’s not her fault. Please advise me on all or any aspect of this as I’m so shellshocked.

Thank you. You forget how many amazing people are out there when you’re cocooned in a marriage. You’ve all made me feel so brave. I wish I could hug you all!

Oh OP, it sounds like you're doing really well in the circumstances. My dad left when I was a similar age to your DD so I wanted to offer a view from that perspective. It was a bombshell for us. He stood with his bags packed, told us he had screwed up, had an affair and now he was leaving and with that he was gone. I remember being a numb, angry, and yet at the same time, oddly really worried about my dad. The world was upside down. My mum tried her best for me, but at night when I had gone to bed I could hear her crying.

I visited my dad once a week or so until I left home. They even briefly got back together which was just excrutiating as he still tried to be my dad but had lost all moral authority. School were sadly pretty useless and friends didn't know what to do so it wasn't discussed.

On a practical level it sounds silly but my mum's attempts to make herself feel better by buying a new wardrobe and having her hair done upset me a lot, I never told her but I just craved my old frumpy mum. sometimes when all the big things change you want the little things to stay the same. We moved house and I was involved in finding the new place which helped. My mum was careful not to put us in the middle at first but unfortunately that later subsided and we were quizzed on our return every time we visited my dad which was really awkward. Things were ok unless my dad actually tried to act like my dad, I visited out of courtesy but he had no authority if that makes sense! What helped me was of course my lovely mum, but also meeting my boyfriend who I could spill my heart out to (he was a keeper and is now my DH), but more than that it was a blistering row i had with my dad a few years later. I have never been so angry in my life and I told him exactly what I thought of him and had bottled up for years. He apologised for everything and explained himself, as much as he could do and I finally just saw him for what he is, a very flawed human being. I guess we all are, his flaws just happened to hurt those he should have cared about most. I am not a forgive and forget type of person but I felt so much better. Many years later now and I love my Mum to pieces, although like all good mums she drives me crazy and somehow I have a pretty good relationship with my dad too.

I guess I just wanted to wish you courage for the road ahead and to say it's a shit situation, about as shit as life can be, but it can be ok. You sound like a great mum, take care of yourself as well as your DC.

I’ll show her this in the morning. Poor kid cried herself to sleep thinking it’s her fault for being grumpy with her dad. I held her, stroked her head and tried to comfort her but she’s so sad. This post is so pertinent. It’ll help her imagine feeling better in the future which she can’t picture at the moment

Small comfort ATM. But my uncle did this to his family. He got older, none of the many women he had relationships with lasted and he was heart broken his kids wouldn't talk to him when he tried to reconcile, after they were adult and independent and obviously wouldn't cost him money and could be fun drink buddies with him. Good luck OP you're stronger than you know

She’ll be fine OP, kids (being small people!) are resilient, and she’s very fortunate in having you there to support her through it instead of going through it alone. I know it hurts not being able to take away her pain but try not to worry too much, let her feel her feelings, she will cope.

When my dad left, because things had been shit between both parents for a long time it was a relief tbh once the shock wore off. Those couple of years after he moved out but before I moved out were some of the most relaxing, chilled, stress free and fun years of my teenage life (the rest of it was horrible). My mum and I bonded even more closely with just the two of us, and the memories I have from that time are some of the most precious ones I have of her and our relationship :)

She’s in shock. It’s hard to understand the situation. She keeps saying how she thought we were a happy family and I thought so too. Trying to reconcile that with what’s happened is beyond us at the minute.

I have a 13yr old DD and she would be the same.
Just keep up with the reassurance, hugs, cuddles, love, movie nights and popcorn, little treats like a bar of chocolate or a trip to the coffee shop. And open communication. She will be frightened for the future but you are her rock and it will get better. Also do you have some close friends that she knows well? I have a friend whose ex is a twunt and her 13yr old will often phone me or text, and sometimes turns up for a chat over things that she either doesn't want her mum to be troubled by or want her to know until she's thought it through if that makes sense?

God, what a shit! I've got no advice for you, but you sound like you've got this. Keep on keeping on

She’s going shopping with her friends tonight as part of a school trip. Shes got some money to treat herself and She’s going to get McNuggets and milkshake as they’re her ultimate comfort food. As for others who are in contact with her she has my best friend who is like a sister. She’s been amazing and has offered support to us all constantly. I’m job hunting today. Hoping for a call to say I’ve got an interview for something. I’ve been a housewife for so long I’m hoping I’m still employable!

I am pretty sure it’s another woman I have known a few men who have left their wives, waxing lyrical about wanting "space/time/to find themselves" etc.. when in fact it has always been about another woman. Either they already have one, or they have their "eye" on one.

It's pretty common on here too, op. Sorry.

In a way it’s better if it is. It’ll be easier for DD to understand it and for me. Otherwise he’s just gone off on the vague pursuit of happiness which makes it seem like we were so burdensome that struggling alone was preferable to him. A concrete answer would be easier.

Yep, you’ll both be in shock, just focus on getting through the day. I was just trying to say don’t worry too much about the idea that she won’t get past this: she will, her shock response now is no indicator of how she’ll cope a few months down the line.

Where on earth has he gone though? I was thinking how it’d be helpful for her to understand that he has left the marriage, not his kids, but from the sounds of it he hasn’t even been in touch since he left? Please tell me he told you first so you could tell her together?

People do strange things and act in bizarre ways when they’re under immense stress and I guess this has been building for a long time for him to be able to just get up and disappear, bubbling under the surface if you thought you were alright together and he clearly didn’t. But to just evaporate and leave you to support your children alone is despicable, whatever the reason.

He text my dad to say he’s staying at a colleagues empty house which sounds bizarre. Who on earth has an empty house ready to hand over for a month to a new team member? He’s not been in the job very long and to me it sounds absurd that someone would just hand him a house when he’s just walked out on his family.
He’s been tired as the baby doesn’t sleep well but I honestly didn’t detect anything more than that. He found the new job stressful at first but he seemed to have settled into it more. He said on the day he left that his new job had more young people who go out socially and he wants to do that. I didn’t know why being with his family and doing so was incompatible with a social life but so much of what he’s said to people has been contradictory and it’s hard to pick through it to find the core reason. Maybe living with me had become so unbearable that this was the better option and that is a terrifying thought because I don’t recognise myself as being a grumpy or mean person or over critical. I’m laid back with the people I love and open and demonstrative. Everyone who knows us is just as shocked. I know that what happens behind closed doors is often very different from what people see but it just wasn’t the case. He struggled with DD being messy, he would blow up disproportionately at things like a towel on the floor or the light left on. Really he couldn’t cope with it at all. That was the only thing we ever argued about. I hated how he went at her and thought it wasn’t a normal response. He couldn’t keep his temper in over tiny things she’d say or do, innocuous things. They bickered a lot but they also had fun and he loves her and she him. My head is foggy and painful but I’ve had a bite from a job application and have arranged to go out with friends, I’ve got a solicitors appointment next Wednesday, have applied for benefits and packed all his stuff up while caring for the 2kids. I feel ancient and tired but if I stop doing i start feeling.

No he left me to tell her.

RexandCherry please dont feel you have to be perfectly strong for your daughter. it doesn't damage children to see their parents upset sometimes - helps them realise that other people hurt too.

Dont try and justify her Dad's actions - you don't know why hes left - you do know it wasn't anything your DD did - perhaps you could stress that to her?

Thinking of you all xx

You are doing so well.
Just one day at a time, my lovely. 💐

why cant he explain to his daughter what he is doing why should it be down to you?

wonder how he would have liked it if his dad had done it to him as a child?

I can’t quite believe he’s messaged your father rather than you to explain all of this. In a way he’s making this easy for you as he’s showing what a spineless coward he is. If he’d tried to leave in a respectful and mature way you might still see him as a decent person and someone you want to be with. But I bet when the dust settles his actions at this stage will make it much easier to get over him. Who would want a man who just walks out on his wife and kids and leaves her to tell them? Jesus Christ.

I’m sure you’re already thinking this anyway but all of the signs point to some sort of affair sadly, new workplace, new and fun colleagues he says he wants to spend time with, mysteriously has a house to go to, gone off the radar. You’re right, nobody has a spare house to give to a new colleague they barely know for a month. I suspect whoever has turned his head owns the house and he’s gone to stay with her. Just too much of a coward to tell you.

It won’t last in all likelihood. Not from such a sordid rotten beginning. In time it’ll kick in what he’s done and how he’s acted. No doubt in a few weeks he’ll try and play the ‘I met someone once we’d already split, honest!’ to cover up his affair.

You are so so much better off without him, I know it doesn’t feel like that right now but you are. He doesn’t exactly sound like a catch, who would do this to their fifteen year old child? A twat.

His dad did. He wasn’t around much. His brother also did something similar when his kids were tiny.

I’ve told DD that it’s got nothing to do with her that dad left and that whatever the reason he’s done a selfish thing and done it in a way that has hurt everyone. She’s just so shocked I think. I think she’ll bounce back and I’m happy she’s at school so she can get the support of her friends. I’m making the house nice and clean and I’m going to buy flowers and make sure that I have plans for fun things to do over the weekend. I’m living in hope that I’ll avoid hitting the wall if I drive hard enough forward but I know that’s unrealistic. Time is what we need, we need water under the bridge and for our wounds to heal and they will.

You sound absolutely strong, a phenomenal woman.

You've done the right thing by letting people know, letting them help you. Knowledge is power, you sound really impressive and your dc are very lucky to have you.

Just be aware of the potential crash in your emotions, and your energy. It may not come, but I remember going through tremendous ups and terrible downs when I went through something similar, so get as much sleep as is possible, eat well, and be kind yourself.

You are already more than halfway up that mountain you're climbing, get ready to freewheel to peace and happiness all the way down the other side.

@RexandCherry123 I'm so sorry he didn't even have the decency to tell her and left it all to you. How cowardly. The one thing I do admire (probably the wrong word, but you know what I mean) about my dad is that he had the guts to stand up and tell us he was going and what he had done. He did take the blame at least. I hope that in time her dad will talk to her about it too.

Time is definitely what you need. Take care of yourself as much as possible too, kids are surprisingly resilient, I think it's much harder to be in your shoes at this time. As others have said, try to sleep, eat and get through each day .