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Original poster

Husbands "work wife"

31 replies

Issame · 05/06/2018 22:53

About a year ago i discovered my husband was texting and then deleting messages from a new woman at his work. I confronted him about it and told him he had obviously crossed a line if he felt the need to delete the messages.
We moved on and things are ok on the surface but a year down the line I still think about it and feel anxious whenever he is on his phone (which is basically all the bloody time!) Not sure if I should bring it up again or try to forget about it. I think I'm quite a naive person though. I've always said I trust him 100% but now I don't which is a horrible feeling. Any advice or has anyone else had to deal with the dreaded "work wife"?

OP posts:
SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 05/06/2018 23:45

This woman doesn't sound like she was a close platonic work colleague she sounds like your husbands affair partner.

If it was still at the non physical stage at the very least it looks as if he was conducting an emotional affair and engaging in typical guilty behaviour by deleting texts to cover his tracks.

His previous behaviour means he has lost your trust and he should be doing everything he can to try to make you feel secure and loved. You need to feel confident enough to be able to have a frank conversation about how you feel and if he really wants to rebuild the relationship then he should be prepared to listen to you acknowledge your feelings and be transparent about his phone usage if you ask about it.

Horsesforcourses23 · 06/06/2018 06:59

I might be able to help with this a little... my boss and I are like work wife and husband, and someone once said to me "do you think his wife minds?" My immediate response was absaloutely not because I know anything we text/talk about he tells her. He's helped me an awful lot with personal issues and we have a fantastic friendship he'll think nothing of popping round for a brew. But that's the thing there's nothing untoward so she knows if he pops in for a brew and I think that's the difference. If your husband is totally upfront and talks about work wife and what's going on and why she's text etc... then he's being open. I think the problem is if he's hiding it...hope that makes sense and helps a bit

TuTru · 06/06/2018 07:06

I have platonic friends and colleagues of the opposite sex. Sometimes I might delete a convo or text because it would look a bit bad if someone else read it. But I know there’s nothing going on.
I had a jealous partner for a long time who would read through my stuff, etc etc and no matter how innocent something had been, he could make it a big issue, so I’m wary about that despite not being with him anymore. The emotional abuse still affects my behaviour 15 years later.
I can see also why you might feel hurt or worried by your partner deleting texts etc.
I can only suggest you have a proper conversation with him about your feelings and also his.
Xx

TERFousBreakdown · 06/06/2018 07:15

my boss and I are like work wife and husband

Me too! We're basically joined together at the hip.

I have no idea what his wife thinks, but she has no reason to mind. In fact, she may not know it but she kind of has me to thank for at least some the rare occasions when Mr Workaholic actually makes it home in time for dinner. I've told him so many times he's a star at the job but would long be resting beneath the patio if I were married to him. I actively try to push him to spend family time - in all honesty, part of this is because him having trouble at home tends to make him take poor decisions. It's not all altruistic.

Having said that, we joke and banter. It's not stuff that'd make me feel uncomfortable as a spouse, but we do both love a good double entendre of the sort that you make when you just feel super comfortable with someone. It's nothing more.

Refecti0n0fsky · 06/06/2018 13:40

Do you work ? I know people who have work WhatsApp groups and texts. Would you feel the same if your husband worked with all makes ?

Refecti0n0fsky · 06/06/2018 13:40

Males, not makes

Xmaspost · 06/06/2018 19:15

The "work wife" is a very common situation in tech/science areas in industry based on my experience. It's the nature of the work, very small close teams, "pair programming", extended hours spent together, covering for each other, crunch times, etc. Working under high pressure on projects can create a real blur for some people between work and private life. In fact for many (younger) people in tech their work can be their life.

I'm currently "work wife" to two younger engineers!

Having said that, I've always been professional, as have my colleagues (with a few exceptions).

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 06/06/2018 19:18

Any advice or has anyone else had to deal with the dreaded "work wife"?
Not in this way. DH’s ‘work wife’ is the colleague that tells him to get a grip when he’s being an idiot, it’s not a romance thing.

NapQueen · 06/06/2018 19:19

I think your use of the term Work Wife is wrong. Thats not what this is.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/06/2018 20:23

I'm with Nap.

AndIWouldWalk500Yards · 06/06/2018 20:41

I've been a work wife. I've never sent any messages that a colleague would feel they would have to delete or hide from their wife/partner. I've also liaised with the actual wife/partner to ensure that work commitments didn't impact family arrangements. I've also never had an improper relationship with a colleague/boss.

I've been promoted since then. All my team members are male - work husbands? I wouldn't dream of sending them any messages that weren't work related in out of work hours. Or actually any work related messages out of work hours. We all need time off.

Dimael · 06/06/2018 20:57

I was the work wife. Nothing happened. He was married and I was with someone else. You spend 8 hours a day x 5 days a week together- you will make friends with people and some closer than others. I wouldn’t text him or meet up with him alone out of work though- I respected his wife and my partner. I knew the boundaries. To me it was just funny, we had a laugh and supported each other in work. Nothing more no matter what other people thought of it.

WhiskeySourpuss · 06/06/2018 21:19

I spent an hour earlier texting my work husband - it was work related but not something we can talk openly about at work looong story - the fact that his wife wants to know if I'm still on a diet or should she put an extra slice of banana loaf in tomorrow suggests she knows about it & doesn't have an issue with it. He's the colleague I spend most time with & who I work most closely with - we're work mum & dad to the young ones who are 30 & 28 Hmm but there's only 7 of us so we're like a weird little family, the boss is like a creepy uncle Sad----

I'm still on a diet but fuck it her banana loaf is the reason he's my work husband Wink

TERFousBreakdown · 06/06/2018 21:33

I'm still on a diet but fuck it her banana loaf is the reason he's my work husband

Fuck that! Why can't my work husband's wife be more like yours? She seems lovely judging by every time I've met her but, frankly, her cooking is a bit crap.

I'm jealous!

WhiskeySourpuss · 06/06/2018 21:39

She's a great cook & I always have a little taste eat half of his lunch - when he's on holiday it's his lunch I miss not him Grin

ByeMF · 06/06/2018 22:40

I need a work husband! I'm just work mum!

OP, if he's deleting texts that speaks volumes. Time for a chat.

Thinkingofausername1 · 07/06/2018 22:23

I find the whole thing really uncomfortable. I think it pushes boundaries and I personally don't think it's professional.

workwifetemp · 28/08/2018 14:35

ok so I work in a very male dominated industry and have been a work wife many times. they are ordinary,easy,fun but both sides very open and aware about homelife,never ever a hidden anything.But when a young student/temp I ended up in lots of what i thought were new relationships but then at some romantic post-coital phase the "my wife and baby" mention would be made. lost count of the amount of times it happened.every single time the next day the smirking would start at work from his also-married mates about haha you got another one.it was disgusting,i was the one blamed (not alone,all female temps are seen as the fish-in-a-barrel pool for bored married men, we are outside the realm of HR and can easily be disposed of/will be going soon,so no embarassment for the old fella).i would bet everything i have that this is what your husband is doing.wife at home with kids ,esp in first year of new born red flag red flag.in the temp pool they were always the biggest predators.charming,fun,sexually voracious predators.as long as no-one messes up his picture-perfect wife-and-kids-at-home photo-on-desk for the promotion factor, we were hovered around constantly.

MargoLovebutter · 28/08/2018 14:42

What is a work wife? I don't really understand what this means.

I have worked one to one directly with men over the years (still do) - often for really long periods of time but have never considered myself a 'work wife' or them my 'work husband'. It is a purely professional relationship, which is sometimes friendly but doesn't bear any resemblance to a marriage. At the most basic level, I am paid and contractually obliged to provide a service for what I'm paid!

What am I missing here?

Ihavethepower · 28/08/2018 14:44

I don't think you mean work wife in this situation.

MessySoprano · 28/08/2018 14:56

I agree you're misusing 'work wife'. I have a close one-on-one friendship with a male work colleague. We're constantly in touch, and have gone away a couple of times on work trips together, because we work very well as a team. Because we both commute long distances from the opposite direction, I've only met his wife once, though he's met my husband and son quite often. I don't know what she thinks of the friendship, but she has absolutely no reason to be alarmed. I'm good for him.

meowimacat · 28/08/2018 15:21

The work wife thing really is irrelevant. Your husband had an emotional affair (possibly physical, you never saw most of the texts) with a woman at work. It's nothing to do with work wife/coworker situations.

You are starting to doubt him again, and to be honest if he's on his phone so much I would also doubt him. Even if it's innocent, with what you have been through it would be something that is going to cross your mind.

Time to question if you can trust him, if you are happy in this relationship and you need to sit down and talk it out. I would probably ask him to show me who he is talking to if he starts sitting on his phone all night every night. Surely if it's innocent enough he can just show you straight away.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 28/08/2018 15:25

This isn't a work wife. My dh has what I call his work wife (and her partner calls dh her work husband) there's nothing going on 100% and I have no feelings about the woman.
If he was deleting messages etc this isn't his work wife he's having an emotional affair.

Rarfy · 28/08/2018 15:32

I completely understand this. DP was texting a female colleague last year and it devastated me at the time and still does now if i think about it too much.

I saw all the message by chance. They never really crossed a line but were inappropriate iyswim. Things like check your email it will make you smile. Mostly texting whilst at work together. They work im education and she would text him telling him who was in class ready for when he had them next lesson.

I found it completely inappropriate and like they were just finding reasons to text each other.

I dont have an answer but just wanted to say i understand.

Kennycalmit · 28/08/2018 15:37

I cringe when people say “I’m his work wife/husband!” Etc

No, you’re his colleague.

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