Affair - Advice please?

[tallships]

Hi, I found a Viber chat message on my wife's phone recently saying "love you too, sleep well". I confronted my wife about it and at first she didn't come clean but eventually when I kept asking she owned up. I discovered that she had being seeing an ex-work colleague for the last 3 years and 5 months. The relationship started at a time when my wife's mother was diagnosed with cancer. Our family (we have 2 young boys) had also recently moved to be closer to her parents so there was a lot of 'change' in our lives at the time. I was busy looking after the kids whilst my wife was dealing with her mums situation. On reflection at the time the affair started I wasn't emotionally suppose to my wife.
According to my wife they never had sex but had been intermate with each other and shared a bed/room together. They saw each other on a regular basis. My wife has now ended the relationship and it's been about 4 weeks since I found out. I love my wife so very much and I don't want our relationship to end. My wife also tells me the same thing. My wife told me that she felt a huge relief when I found out. Since I discovered the affair we have been getting on great and the sex has been amazing. My wife has thrown my emotions into chaos! I feel really low, my confidence has taken a huge bartering. I love her so very much but worry about her not being able to stop the relationship despite her reassuring me. I haven't asked a huge amount of details about the relationship because I feel sick when I think about it. I've never experienced thus before and don't know how to deal with it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance.

Hi,

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and support. It's great to speak with someone because I haven't been talking to anyone about this because I don't want any friends or family to know about it and make judgements or try and influence.

I definitely want the relationship to work and bizarrely we are now a lot closer. I still feel sick and angry about the situation. I haven't asked a lot of questions because I can't deal with talking about it however I worry that if we don't talk about it then we won't move forward. I have good and bad days. My emotions are up and down. I struggle to really understand how she behaved like that when she tells me she loves me. I worry that she wouldn't have confessed if I hadn't found out. I don't fully understand why she didn't confess and I'm worried that she hasn't dealt with her feeling towards the situation. Apologies for ranting on, I'm just struggling with varying emotions. Thanks again for your words of support.

Hi, thanks. I do have a few questions if that's ok! How did you cope finding out all the details about the type of affair I.e. all the sexual intimacy etc? She said that they were intimate but never had sex! I am not sure I believe this? I am worried that because my wife is struggling to speak about the affair then she hasn't really dealt with it yet. She was seeing this person for over 3 years and I struggle to understand how she can forget about it so easily? She says that it makes her feel sick when she thinks about it. I also can't believe that she was pretending to live a normal life at home aswell as having another relationship. Any advice would be appreciated! Think I am deffo ranting on this time! Thanks again, it really does help to have someone to discuss this with! thank you!

Great, thanks very much.

We're just moving this thread over to relationships

Do you believe they never had sex? In my eyes, sharing a bed and being intimate (probably fumbling etc) is just as bad as having sex.

Great sex usually equates to ‘hysterical bonding’ or the ‘pick me dance’.

In some respects the emotional side of an affair can be more devastating, but it sounds as though your wife affair is emotional and physical.

From what I’ve read women tend to cheat due to lack of emotional connection, where as with a man it’s more physical.

This may sound a bit harsh and I hope you can sort things out, but to me it sounds as though your wife is only ‘sorry’ she got caught. If you hadn’t have discovered the message you would be none the wiser and she would still be carrying on her affair.

Ask yourself if someone is with another person romantically for over three years, to the point where one is texting "I love you" to the person that you honestly think that they never had sex?

Who do you know (apart from perhaps those who are fervent religious folk) would maintain that level of chastity for that amount of time? She's lied to you on that, sorry to say.

And she is still lying to you by being evasive and pretending that she's too gutted to talk about what she's done to you and maintaining that it was mostly an emotional affair. It is not possible to rebuild in the aftermath of an affair when there are still lies being told. That will corrode your relationship over time. It might be possible to rebuild but only with absolute honesty from the cheater, where you make your choice to stay knowing absolutely everything you need to know about the affair.

What you are experiencing is hysterical bonding or the pick me dance as described above. I think you are in denial a bit here, sorry. I know you love her and want to believe her but you can only do that with the surety of knowing she is being honest with you - even with the stuff that might cause you to walk out the door.

I fear you are in for a crash landing in the months to come when you realise the truth and you'll feel worse than you do now.

tallships....sorry to hear about the situation you're in. It sounds very difficult. I know you know your wife but I would wonder about anything she's told you. I'm sure she's relieved you know but it's quite possible that even the most honest cheater (an oxymoron?) would lie about the particulars of it. I mean, if she managed to go behind your back consistently for so long, there's nothing to suggest she's not lying now...they may well have had sex. If they didn't though, that kind of emotional dependency on someone else would point towards a serious hole in your own relationship.

I know I don't know much about your situation and only you know what you can forgive and what you'd like to work on. As with all the issues in the relationships section, it'd be a good idea for you to see a counsellor to get your head around this and then maybe in the future, for both of you to see one together. Best of luck.

I'm sorry but your post is already full of excuses as to why to continue the relationship. Whilst doing this may be the right thing for you both, you have a hell of a lot to get over.

1. She has lied about the affair and is definitely lying about not having sex or physical contact

2 3.5 years of what is clearly not just a sexual but also an emotional relationship 3 I don't know anyone who has got over an affair anywhere near the realms of 1+2.

You are definitely doing the hysterical bonding but unfortunately you will come down to earth. To be frank, it sounds like at some point she will be back with him unless there is some other factor holding her to you....money?

Think it through but you need to take your time. It is still very raw

Thanks for the messages! She says that it makes her feel sick when she thinks about the relationship and therefore finds it hard to talk about it?

Hi OP. Your wife saying she feels sick talking about it means she is prioritising her feelings over yours. She needs to put her feelings aside for a moment and focus on re-earning your trust and forgiveness.
She needs to be ready for uncomfortable conversations and engage in talking to you about her affair, no matter how it makes her feel. If you don't have these conversations soon nothing will be dealt with.

I think you are being far too understanding towards her. This is part of the hysterical bonding going on. As is the great sex. But be warned that there is a comedown and it will be a bumpy landing and that's when the real work of repairing your relationship will begin. It might be a good idea to warn her that you wish to speak about the details of her affair before too long so she won't use the classic cheater's line of 'I thought you'd be over it by now'.

And btw... I don't believe she hasn't had sex with the other man. Affairs are such powerful highs that there's no way that she was involved with him for 3+ years without giving into temptation. No way. Especially if they have shared a bed. She's taking you for a mug if she expects you to believe that. If she doesn't come clean about that then you really need to reconsider staying with her for the sake of your sanity and peace of mind. Because without complete honesty her affair will eat away at you and your marriage.

So sorry you're going through this.

She has actually suggested that we have some time apart?

You need counselling. Both on your own and couples counselling. That is a hell of a lot of lies to get over. Most people get through bereavement and life changes without stooping to an affair.

She wants time apart = she wants to see if she's comfortable living on her own. None of this is about caring for your feelings.

We live together and have 2 small children. Not sure that I can handle her moving out for a period of time!