Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found naked pictures on bf computer

70 replies

AlyssaE · 05/06/2018 17:36

Ok so im 29 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. Recently my boyfriend left his fb messages open and I couldn’t resist checking his messages. I know it’s extremely bad and I thought I’d grown up a little more than I apparently have. What’s worse is I actually found something not so good and now, as it usually happens when snooping, I have he info but nothing to do with it. Before me my BF had been sleeping with a girl 10 years younger (he’s 29) and while we were together she sent him both a video of herself in a see through dress, ahem, ‘butt clapping’ on her knees and then a a fully naked photo a few weeks later. To the first he replied with just laughing in a cheeky way and to the second he didn’t reply. A month later she was sending him loads of messages asking to meet up and saying ‘I miss you’ instead of saying ‘I have a girlfriend’ or whatever he said ‘I miss you too’ They do not speak or see eachother at all anymore but still..what do I do?!?

OP posts:
googlegoggles · 05/06/2018 20:31

I miss you too says he cares little about stringing along women and giving false hope.

Dump him. You'll be next.

Butterflykissess · 05/06/2018 20:40

Definitely can't see how this is overreacting. And as it's been said how do we know they are no longer in contact?

Barbaro · 05/06/2018 20:50

How can people not see him egging her on?

Laughing at the pathetic video.
Saying I miss you too.

Er what? That's egging on. He wants her. Dump him.

Onemansoapopera · 05/06/2018 21:09

I don't think he wants her.

I think he is just lazily responding the bare minimum - in that weird way that people do when they feel ignoring would be rude - regardless of hat the message is.

He didn't respond to her trying it on and when she said she missed him he responded in kind (out of kindness I think) and that was that - he in no way egged her on on the basis of what you've seen.

If you're happy in all other respects I'd shelve this. I don't think for one minute you want to split with him and I don't think he'd deserve you to.

googlegoggles · 05/06/2018 21:19

Surely kindness is "yeah but you'll meet someone nice. Please don't send me these as I'm in a relationship"

Barbaro · 05/06/2018 21:44

It is egging her on and very inappropriate to say to an ex I miss you too when you have a new partner. It's saying to the ex that he misses the relationship they had and wants it again.

Storm4star · 05/06/2018 21:49

I can’t believe people are excusing this! He’s a 29 year old man, In which case he should be man enough to say “please don’t message me again, i’m in a relationship and it’s inappropriate”. He’s not 17!

Cricrichan · 05/06/2018 21:53

You said it was a while ago. He didn't encourage her and since he's seen it all before, he's ignored rather than tell her not to send anymore. I would be mildly annoyed but would forget about it.

googlegoggles · 05/06/2018 22:16

Sorry but if I was the girl and got I miss you too...

I'd totally think that's encouraging me and he's still open to me

goose1964 · 05/06/2018 22:51

My guess is that they want to rekindle the flame, do you know why they split.?He doesn't sound like a keeper any way

beetfarmer · 06/06/2018 02:40

I'd get rid of him. I can't believe anyone would think he hadnt done anything wrong. He should have shut it down immediately and blocked contact. Completely inappropriate and disrespectful.

SnowGoArea · 06/06/2018 02:56

There's definitely worse out there, but if you are OK with your partner saying "I miss you" to their ex then I'd say the bar is set pretty low...

I'm in the 'he's not the one for you' camp. Sorry op.

tccat · 06/06/2018 08:35

I'm imagining her butt cheeks in a frenzy of clapping like a scene from Sister Act while she farts out the beat for "I Will Follow Him"

Onemansoapopera · 06/06/2018 09:42

Nah. Words are cheap. If people see "I miss you too (full stop)" as the ultimate come on, I'd say that was setting the bar low/grasping at straws to be honest. Just shows how women interpret text completely differently.

Onemansoapopera · 06/06/2018 09:43

To me thats a polite but basically non committal indifferent reply of a man to his ex.

googlegoggles · 06/06/2018 10:49

It's not the ultimate come on@Onemansoapopera but it's not a no thanks either (which it should have been)

Onemansoapopera · 06/06/2018 12:43

That's true but if I was the ex I wouldn't cling to it as a declaration of intent...but I know some would and that's why we all differ. To me I wouldn't love it, but if my relationship felt good, it wouldn't give me the fears.

ItIsUnnervinglyQuietInHere · 07/06/2018 06:54

It doesn't matter whether his ex takes it as a declaration of intent or not. It matters how it makes the OP feels about it and it matters that her boyfriend isn't respectful of her feelings.

I'd walk of it were me.

Onemansoapopera · 07/06/2018 07:18

Yeh, I wouldnt walk. I don't think OP will either. Whether that transpires to be an error and this becomes a thing who knows. Ps her bf wasn't in any way trying to hurt her feelings - - he doesn't know she's been through his personal stuff.

Newerversion · 07/06/2018 07:46

I know if I received a video or naked photos of an ex and a message saying he missed me that I would 1)be surprised and a little concerned
2) have not one tiny inclination to return the declaration behind my current partners back
3) would block said ex straight away

Original poster
AlyssaE · 26/02/2019 13:04

UPDATE So after a lot of thinking I decided to put this behind me. Last month I moved in with my partner and we were sorting through each of our stuff and I found a fully charged phone with many saved naked photos of this same girl on it. He immediately threw the phone out and said it was an old phone and it was from back then and now I'm banned from speaking about the issue ever again. Am I being a complete idiot? I have developed some serious trust issues and I'm drifting between trying my best to let go of it to feelings of sadness and that he is not worth it. A little extra info. In his past relatonship he was married for 3 years in a 7 year relationship which was broken because he cheated on his wife with her best friend. I dont want to keep thinking about that but maybe this is a pattern? :(

OP posts:
Ilovelala · 26/02/2019 13:31

Before I realised this was an old thread the only question I wanted to ask you was if he was having contact with her on another platform? As in my Facebook messenger might have a couple of messages from my SO but my what's app would be where the majority were.

Him throwing out the phone was maybe a good thing and for what it's worth I think there's a chance not much went on with them and he was keeping his options open but it's up to you if it's acceptable. Clearly you decided it was acceptable that he told another woman he missed her too (being "polite" or not). Given that you are back within the year with the same issues shows your having a problem dealing with this. The latest phone pictures were from when roughly?

He has told you the matter isn't up for discussion which isn't acceptable and is disregarding your feelings entirely. Not only that you don't trust him anymore.

If it was me I would have been gone the first time this came up, even more so now. Not because of the pictures on the phone but because of how you feel and his reaction to that. If he isn't willing to talk to you about this then he clearly isn't bothered about how your feeling.

Is he usually a good partner to you or is there more to this? Feels like there's a lot more to it.

Ragnarhairybreetches · 26/02/2019 14:28

Fully charged? Banned from talking about it? Has previous Sorry, not a keeper. She's his booty call.

pushingdaisies · 26/02/2019 14:31

He obviously knew what was on the phone and had kept it. He only threw it out because you found it. I also would never ever get myself into a relationship when his previous relationship ended because he couldn't keep it in his pants.
I don't think you're an idiot, I think you have made some questionable choices where your partner is concerned, but you can choose to keep ignoring the signs he's showing you of who he really is, or you can leave him. I wouldn't be able to trust him, and someone like that really isn't worth losing sleep over imho.
The trust issues you are developing could ruin potential future relationships (speaking from experience - I really do sympathise with you on this.

You have to think - are you prepared to stay with someone who doesn't give a toss about your feelings ("banning you" from speaking about something)

NeatFreakMama · 26/02/2019 14:54

Fully charged isn't a good sign and "banned from talking about it"...um no? Hmm