siblings infertility and I'm pregnant

[Spanglyprincess1]

I should start by stating clearly I am incredibly sympathetic to her position. It must be incredibly difficult and telling her I was pregnant was hard for us (esp as I never really wnated children).
Initially she was quiet and withdrawn which I understood and sometimes snappy but again understandable.
Now I've reached full term almost and am huge and really struggling due to pain/sleeplessness and the heat. She has changed and is downright aggressive /being rude.
She keeps telling me how lucky is am and I shouldn't moan. I know this, I do, but am exhusted. She sent me a page long message at seven am saying im lazy and not doing enough around my own house and garden or supporting my mom/dad with their house enough. I physically can't do hard gardening like cutting down hedges etc at the momment. My house is clean but not spotless as again I get so tierd. I can do it after bbay but not in my current giant whale state as can't reach floors etc.
My partner has offered to take my dad out for some days as he can't drive at the momment but again I'm limited as to what I can do to help. My partner also is annoyed as he would be happy to help but hasn't been asked.
She also told me she was going to be godmother as she can't have a kid as that's what she needs to be okay with it IE my baby. I was going to ask both my sister's anyway but now I'm uncomfortable as she's being nasty.
Again I should add she's started another round of treatment so is on massive amounts of hormones and stress. I really do appreciate how difficult this is but I have no idea what to do to try and help or minamise the emotional damage.
Anyone here been through this and got any advice?

Well, I have sort-of been on the other side, in that my sibling had a second child whereas I could not. I did find her pregnancy hard, but afterwards things were much easier.

I think everything will be so much easier once your baby arrives, because they are a wonderful new baby and feelings change.

Just keep a lower profile until the birth.

I'm with the others, get some space and focus on your health for now. Keep a friendly form of communication open, but don't get drawn into uneccessary conversations. She may still find a new born hard to be around, but at the toddler stage she will still be more likely to be thinking about pregnancy and babies.

Hopefully the current cycle works for her.

Horrible situation for you both.

The pain she is experiencing is unimaginable if you haven't been there.

If you possibly can, I'd seek the support you need for your tiredness etc from your partner/parents basically anyone that's not her.

Prepare yourself that it's going to be very difficult for her to meet the baby. Prepare for flakiness, rudeness etc. None of this is her true self. It's her coping mechanism and actually, it's there to protect her sanity.

You are about to have a marvelous new person come into your life. Yes, you will need support but please don't seek it from her. Even by expecting her to meet the baby or smile.

When I experienced infertility, I learnt that putting on a brave face came at an enormous cost to my wellbeing. Eg an evening spent with a friend and newborn would result in a weekend of sobbing and days of wretchedness and low mood. Stuff like that took weeks to recover.

You sound supportive, the needling about your house and your parents, that's not her, it's the pain speaking. (Unless she was always like this?)

All the best for your new baby!

Hi lass

Tell her straight to the face that unless her ideas buck up she won't be godmother and her attitude is toxic.

Now. I tried to have kids for 10 years and was told it would never happen - I call badly Ill and after blood transfusions I found myself pregnant. I've had the whole green eye monster come out and although I've never been vicious like your sister I do have an older sister who think she knows it all.

For obvious reasons she is stressed and that's fine to a point but she just unloaded BS onto you and made you feel crap for being pregnant. You are doing what you can but your parents if they need help will ask and your house is clean just disorganised- that's parenthood and welcome to it!

I'm pregnant with second and due in August so I get the exhausted part - rest up mama!

Gryffen I think your first suggestion may make the situation worse.

Rather than get angry or inflame this, I think it's better to try to have sympathy, have some space and pick up when she is able to.

My sister wasn’t nasty but she couldn’t see me when I was pregnant and we had previously been really close. It was really upsetting but I just gave her space. She couldn’t come and see the baby when she was first born - I think she was about a month old before they met (we live very close.)

I’ve not experienced infertility but from other accounts it’s so completely crushing that women lose themselves. She probably doesn’t really like herself at the moment along with all the other awful things she is feeling. You have a baby on it’s way, you are really lucky. She doesn’t and desperately wants one. You have no idea that you wouldn’t be the same in her situation as many women are.

My advice would be to cut her some slack. Know that this isn’t her or who she wants to be but a deep misery and desperation manifesting. Understand that people aren’t often the best versions of themselves when they are desperate and unhappy. Read up on what it feels like to suffer infertility. Your sisters actions aren’t nice but they are pretty common.

She is on a long and difficult journey. Hopefully it will have a happy ending but in the meantime I would focus on empathy and forgiveness and definitely try and avoid complaining about pregnancy symptoms to her when in a few weeks you will have a baby and she will still be looking at a childless future.

I'm unable to have kids as my husband is infertile, but your sister is behaving very poorly.

Disengage. Tell her that you love her but that she's out of order right now.

I really would not do what Geyffen suggests.

I totally appreciate that your sister is upset but she's being downright nasty. Being aggressive towards you because she's jealous is not acceptable. And I find it extremely rude of her to demand that she NEEDS to be godmother and calling your baby IT. Of course it must be hard for her but that doesn't mean she gets to ruin your special experience and take it out on you.

Imo you need to back off from her until you've had the baby otherwise she's going to ruin this special time for you with her jealousy and meanness. Perhaps a parent needs to explain that it's not ok to spoil your experience regardless of her private feelings about it?

Why are you moaning about your symptoms to her? No wonder she’s snapped!

I’d just keep a low profile with her. Use other people as your support/sounding board. It’s perfectly reasonable to moan when you’re heavily pregnant and uncomfortable, but not to her.

im sorry but even if it is hard i think she is out of order..why the hell should you feel bad..

she should be happy for you and supportive knowing there is a new baby in family.

Thank you for advice and it isn't to easy to disengage unfortunately. This was at mixed fmaily gathering only when I see her and I can't help struggling to walk etc then. Rest assured I'm not messaging her to complain as that would be hurtful.
I'm worried about her and want to do what I can to be supportive.

The views here against your sister are very harsh considering the pain she is going through. I can only partially empathise as I lost one when trying for DC2, but I can appreciate that this must be agony for her.

If it were my sister I would feel awful for her and would offer to listen, but I wouldn't take the comments personally. If things were hard 3-6 months after the baby was born I would talk about whether she needs therapy, but I would still feel bad for her pain.

This doesn't stop you fully enjoying or moaning about your pregnancy and then baby with all the rest of your family and friends, it's just understanding that she's probably at rock bottom.

Assuming this isn't her usual character I would go with the gentler advice of giving her space until the baby is here and letting the sharp comments wash over you. This is likely to be torture for her, and she probably knows she's being cold but is so consumed by the pain of it all.

I would let her know the baby has come via a text message but without a picture and without the gushing ("we are delighted to announce and totally in love blah blah"). And skip on the photo. Let her know that you understand it's hard for her but that you'd love to see her whenever she feels ready, your door is open.

I know I think she is struggling and I'm desperately sad for her. I really hope it works out for her and she can be happy.

I'll try and be more discreet about everything but it's hard as we are close normally as a family x

It's often not as hard once out of the pregnancy and newborn stage. Once the baby is here and she gets used to it, they become another member of her family, whereas now your pregnancy represents everything she longs for but can't have. It's unlikely to stay like this for long, just bear with her.

Must be so hard for you too though, especially with all the emotions and trials of late pregnancy

You can still be close without complaining about all the pains she wishes she had right now. You must have had things to talk about pre-pregnancy!

Honestly it just sounds like you want us all to say how amazing and supportive you are and how unreasonable your sister is being. But however painful it is to be at the end of her barbed tongue, you cannot imagine the pain she’s going through right now. You have everything she wants and to top off the cherry on the shit cake, you never wanted kids. You say you’re being sympathic but I really don’t think you get it.

I lost a child at full term, and my coworker was pregnant at the same time and never wanted kids. It’s been 9 months and I still don’t want to be anywhere near her. I hate that she got the happy ending she didn’t even want, but I fought so hard for and never got.

It’s easy for me to hate her and stay away because she’s just a coworker, but as you say, you are normally close to your sister. She is somewhat obliged to be happy for you through her pain. And then she’s got you complaining on a regular basis about your pregnancy when that’s all she wants! Can you not imagine how hard that is for her?

Narkedwithanarc - bit harsh tbh. I've said I'm worried and want to help her. But i dont don't know what's for best and am trying to do the right thing by her.
I just want her to be happy and am aware I'm not helping. Some advice on here has been helpful and I will take it on board

I have sympathy for you both however it is not your fault she has been having difficulties. This does mean you are unsympathetic.

I suspect people will suggest you change your behaviour towards her however as long as you are sensitive I don't think you should hide/ignore your own happiness either.

Good luck with the baby

You need to be sensitive to her upset but she has no right to bully you. If she can’t be around you, that is fine. But by being nasty about what you can’t do because you’re pregnant, and getting digs in at you for her own reason, well, no amount of infertility gives her the right to do that.

I’d tell her you love her and wish her the best but she can fuck off if she thinks she can call you lazy and try to bully you into doing things that are physically difficult or impossible right now.

It’s not harsh at all, if you think it is then that just highlights my point. Take everyone’s advice, but I would be making an effort to understand my sister more. This isn’t going to get easier for her. You have the good end of the deal here and you seem to forget that.

Narkedwithanarc- yes i wnat to hence I'm on here asking how to. Is it best to stay away or go round and talk about non baby things like we used to? How do I try to understand better? Is there a book I can read on being supportive? Is there anything else I can do to make her feel supported as she's going through something hard that I don't understand?