I’ve done it and I’m terrified.

[Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears]

So last night I ended my relationship with my partner of 4.5yrs, it’s done, no going back and I feel like the worst person on the planet.
We have a 2.5yr old son together and I don’t even know where to start in terms of separation.
I am completely numb after 4yrs of lies, emotional abuse and manipulation, I feel nothing but guilt for taking my sons father away.
OH is in bits, can’t even talk to me, was talking about suicide last night.
How the hell do you start to move forward from this?

I am also 8wks pregnant with my second child and am battling with if going ahead with this pregnancy is in my best interest.

Do you have family or friends you can stay with for now? It sounds like you've made the right decision. His threatening suicide is just more manipulation so please try not to let it bother you too much. Are you still living in the same house?

New baby is entirely up to you; if it was me then I'd have an abortion but it's your choice.

How about giving yourself a week or two to forget the pregnancy and deal with the breakup. No quick decisions that can't be undone.

This is a huge emotional upheaval, especially if you are coming out of an abusive relationship, and you need time to process your feelings. Rushing into an abortion in the midst of that is a huge deal. Take some to catch your breath and forget feeling guilty - you are freeing your children from an upbringing in an abusive home.

Do you have any family or friends to talk to?

Yes, I have a huge, supportive network of family and friends and many places I could stay.
We are still in the same house, he has no where to go, no family near and few friends and I feel incredibly sad for him.
Will our son get through this?

Might be an idea to go stay with someone then whilst you sort the house out. Do you own it or jointly rent? Are you married?

Your son will be fine. If his dad is emotionally abusive to you then I'm sure your son will have picked up on the arguments or upset on some level anyway.

No, not married and the house is in my name due to his bad credit, he paid the deposit for the house we’re in.
I have my old property which I also own that I currently rent out, I will need to sell that property to give him his money back that he paid into this property. Both properties are bought (mortgaged) by me alone.
I don’t even know where to start!

Hi - hope you’re ok. Firstly, you didn’t take their father away sounds like he was doing a pretty good job of contributing to the breakdown of the relationship. He is perfectly able to be a good dad and there for his son without being in a relationship with you so that’s all down to him, you’ve got more than enough going on without being responsible for your ex too. His suicide threats sound like more manipulation as well and if nothing else proves you need to move on I hope that does. He may well feel suicidal but he should find someone else to talk to.
I agree with snowgoarea, definitely take some time before deciding what you want to do - everything will work out in the end, take little steps and focus on you and your son

Your son will be absolutely fine. They adapt incredibly quickly.

So, the first thing to realise is that you are not responsible for his reactions. The threatening suicide is textbook emotional abuse. People who are going to kill themselves don't usually announce it to the world first. So please don't fall for this. It's a ploy to get you back.

Secondly he needs to leave. Until he moves out, nothing has changed and lots of men will pretend it's not happening and you'll end up just back to square one where it will be easier for you.

Any split that's not initiated by both partners has the ability to turn nasty so whilst he's in shock and begging you back now, it will soon turn horrible. So you need to organise yourself.

Are you married?
What joint finances do you have?
What is the housing situation?

Make sure you gather together important documents, payslips, passports etc etc.

You! Are not taking his father away, you're not to blame for this. It's all on his own head. Ignore the suicide bollocks, it's just more of the same crap.

I'd hazard a guess in a week's time you'll not care if he has nowhere to go, is there somewhere your toddler could go on an adventure for a few days with family while the initial crap happens and you catch your breath?

Nobody can advise on the pregnancy I don't think.

Stay strong, this is a hard part but once it's all done and dusted you won't have regrets

I am expecting it to turn nasty, I think once he realises that I am not backing down and the shock wears off, he will fight back.
Nothing is joint, I do rely quite heavily on his income, I work part time but it is nothing I can’t sort out in terms of my financial benefits.
Think I’m just in shock that I’ve actually done it.

Your 2.5 year old will rapidly forget that daddy ever lived with you. Don’t worry on that frobt

Legally, do you have to pay him any money?.

Yes, I finally got rid of my youngests dad when he was 2. He adjusted well to it.

I wouldn't have him around for this initial fallout though. These people will use whatevers available to regain their grip and don't care if it upsets the kids or not.

I don’t know where I stand legally, I would need to seek legal advice. I was under the impression that I wouldn’t have to give him anything until my dependents are of a certain age but I’m not sure.
I just want rid of him ASAP and giving him his money cuts them ties, financially.

How the hell do you start to move forward from this?

First, you congratulate yourself for freeing yourself from him. Then you start being kind to yourself, and enjoying time with DS without him. Do whatever makes yourself happy in the moment, and forget everyone else for now. Your priority is now you and your child.

It’s understandable that you want a clenched break but please do not make any rash decisions. You need to get some legal advice pronto and probably some benefits advice too. Maybe the CAB initially.

You know you have done the right thing, well done.

Clenched? Clean lol

Well the shit storm is starting. He’s surfaced, being pathetic, not sitting on the sofa cause I’m sat on it, not going in the same room as me, making it very clear he hates me, this is going to be tough.

Oh dear, can you ask him to leave as house is in your name?

Also concentrate on trying to make a decision about the pregnancy, maybe see if you can discuss it with GP. Decide if it's what you really want.

Good luck x

I think I need to put the pregnancy on the back burner, I’m only 8wks so plenty-ish time to figure that
I need to focus on getting me and my son through this very difficult time.
My ex has mental health problems, he’s not stable and probably hasn’t been for a long time.
I’m trying to get my ducks in a row, which is feeling impossible when I’m being bombarded with waffle from my ex!
He loves me, I’m his world, it can work, he will change, he’s sat there looking at photos of us all crying.....just enough is enough!
My fear is his emotional abuse towards my son, he is very sensitive and fear ex’s erratic behaviour is is going to cause damage.

This is why he shouldn't be there right now. Or can you get someone over for company?

The crying thing is the most tiresum part of it all. Don't let it wear you down so you cave to make it stop.

I think the first thing you need to do is get away from this emotional manipulation. The house is in your name, could you go and stay with friends/family for a couple of days? Just to get the weeping and wailing out of your face.

The threatening suicide = more emotional blackmail.

Sounds as though you have made a brave decision - and the right one for you. No-one wants a life full of lies and manipulation and emotional abuse.

You don't have to make any decisions about your pregnancy yet.

Hello

Well done! This is the toughest part. Recommend getting legal advice and always worth speaking to a couple of people. Totally understand the desire to pay him off and have clean break but you can get advice quickly over the phone before you make any decisions.

Be good to not be under the same roof as each other as soon as you can manage that as the EA will dial down when he hasn't got an audience. Move all communications to text and email and set expectations you won't always respond immediately.

If there is no legal contract about that money you don't owe him anything. The last thing I would do is sell my house and if you do he can't make you pay upfront.

I picked the little one up and I’m now at my parents, I’m not subjecting my son to his emotional bull shit.
I’ve stood my ground, despite the pleas, no going back and feeling strong about my decision.
He’s still manipulating me via text, he’s not left the property, he knows it’s over but I’m guessing is reluctant to leave the property as he knows he won’t be coming back.
He was quite happy to upheave my son and dog from their home so he could stay there! Arsehole!