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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is he being like this again?

26 replies

Twinkletwinklelittleone · 04/06/2018 19:58

For the past few months DH has been distancing himself from us (me and 2 DC). There is no other woman, but he is constantly in a bad mood and trying to find things wrong. His latest revelation was that our money was 'his'money since he works full time and I am a SAHM to our two DC, one of whom has special needs.

We recently went on holiday and he was 90% back to his normal self, happy and involved. I was over the moon.

Then the past couple of days he has reverted back to barely speaking to me, sitting upstairs or outside all weekend, whilst I have done everything and all childcare.

I am devastated that he has gone back to this awful tension. I just want to cry and I don't know why he is being so cruel.

If I act happy, he acts cold. If I act upset and ignore him, he asks me what's wrong all the time. It's like some sort of game. I can't take it much longer.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 04/06/2018 20:09

Is he worried about work or being made redundant? How old is he?

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 04/06/2018 20:14

He's not worried about work. The problem seems to be me. He says he feels under appreciated by us all. The problem is that I seem to have 'fixed' everything and things STILL aren't right for him.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 04/06/2018 20:19

What? Why are you tolerating this nonsense?

When he asks what's wrong do you say "You behaving like a total dickhead that's what's wrong!"

Seriously though what do you say? How many strips do you tear off him when he sits outside all weekend?

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 04/06/2018 20:21

Ow will be in the wings op.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 04/06/2018 20:26

There really is no ow. When I confront him about it, it just makes him worse.

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 04/06/2018 20:30

Ask him straight out if he wants to still be married. If so, he needs to actively engage with counselling. If not you can move on. Very oversimplified I know, but that is the crux of it. Also suspect ow could be lurking.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 04/06/2018 20:33

I feel desperate and I want to scream. The situation is just intolerable and so unfair. Whenever I see my mum or any family, having to act like everything is ok is just awful. I'm constantly on the verge of tears in their presence because I feel so devastated about everything.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/06/2018 20:36

Ugh! Well, if being nice doesn't work, then just be aloof.

What did you mean about you having "fixed" stuff? Did he have a range of complaints that you "solved" by changing things and adapting your behaviour, etc?

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2018 20:37

Don’t act like everything is ok. It’s not your fault he’s being a twat and you don’t have to pretend to the world that he isn’t. I agree it’s put up or shut up -discuss the two options as counselling etc or plans to split. I do suggest first telling some problem in real life as that will most likely reassure you that it’s him not you and it’s not fair on you and the dc.

MissConductUS · 04/06/2018 20:40

I agree with counseling. It could be a mid life crisis thing. Perhaps he woke up one day and realized that he was never going to Richard Branson and you were never going to be Anne Hathaway. That's one reason why I asked how old he is.

Jonbb · 04/06/2018 20:41

I know a good lawyer . . .

RabbitsAreTasty · 04/06/2018 20:46

I don't get it. Why do you have to behave like everything is OK?

Are you not allowed to be upset? Is nobody ever allowed to know you are angry with each other?

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 04/06/2018 20:48

He just seems to be eternally pissed off at me, holding me in contempt. Finding all these things wrong which have never been an issue before.

OP posts:
L0UISA · 04/06/2018 20:49

Can I just check - you are certain that there’s no OW because you asked him and he said no?

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 04/06/2018 20:51

No. He is the worst liar ever. There's no ow.

OP posts:
colditz · 04/06/2018 20:51

No,, there's definitely another woman.

MissConductUS · 04/06/2018 20:53

Perhaps he has a crush on some ow that she isn't even aware of. That could still cause this type of reaction.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 04/06/2018 21:06

Even when I bought it up, he didn't even bat an eyelid. He is such an obvious liar that there's just no way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 04/06/2018 21:08

He just seems to hate his life at the moment, feels unappreciated, hates thay the children favour me because I spend so much time with them, etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 04/06/2018 21:10

Like i said, he really enjoyed his time away with us. He was funny and happy, excited about things. It doesn't make sense.

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 04/06/2018 21:13

He doesn't get to ruin your life. Stop pretending all is well,because it isn't.If he's not a good liar then just ask what is wrong

tootiredtospeak · 04/06/2018 21:16

Sounds like he is depressed but that doesnt mean you have to hide how upset you are. Tell someone it will make you feel so much better. He is being unfair.

PickAChew · 04/06/2018 21:21

He's either depressed, a twat, or both.

Whatever the reason, you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around him.

And the kids probably do favour you, if he's constantly got the arse.

Mary1935 · 04/06/2018 21:26

Hi Twinkle - I think he's abusive - he's doing it to confuse you and keep you on your toes. Look up emotional abuse and see if he meets the criteria. Please don't keep it a secret from your family - that keeps the abuse going and the abuser unaccountable.
He's ok when he's on holiday having fun but he then sits outside in the car.
Pardon me - but what the hell are you doing. You need to get up on Saturday and go out for the day. Leave him to the daily grind.
You wouldn't treat someone like this who you claim to love.
What is he actually doing when he's sat in his car - tell him to ship up or ship out.
You are unhappy living like this. PLEASE tell your family - you have nothing to be ashamed off - it's ALL HIM. 🌺

Aw12345 · 04/06/2018 21:32

If course the kids favour you, you're the care giver. You look after them without his male mood swings!

Confront him.

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