How often do you see DP when not living together?

[pigsispigs]

I'm wondering how often those who don't live with their OHs see each other on a weekly basis for comparison? I'm feeling a bit pushed out (admittedly a bit over sensitive following MC last month) but I'm prepared to hear IABU.

I've been with my DP for two years, both almost 30, I rent my own home and he lives with ILs whilst we save to buy our own home about a year away, I also have a DS who stays with ex 1 weekend a month. Our set up used to be he would spend an evening a week with me after DS went to bed and we spend the one free weekend together, he is now involved with DS so the current set up is he spends one night during the week with me, our one weekend together and perhaps a night over the other weekends.

I want us to spend more time together, but he has lots of his own stuff going on at the weekends/weeknights, sports and other hobbies, things with his family, I don't want to smother him or seem controlling, I've never stopped him going anywhere. He's at a festival this weekend so I won't see him for nearly 2 weeks, since April he's been on a stag do away, a weekend away with his team and longer one coming up in July. This last weekend he went away with some friends for a new hobby which will take him away for at least 2 days - he's now decided this will become a regular thing, probably once a month.

I am admittedly a bit resentful he gets to do everything he pleases whenever he wants, whilst my one free weekend usually revolves around us (this weekend is child-free and all mine for once) I understand my child is not his responsibility and I've never pushed them onto each other, I just wish he would/wanted to spend more time with me/us, even if it's just an extra night a week. The time we do spend together is fantastic, I just feel a bit lonely and after 2 years I would think we'd be a bit more 'together' especially if we're supposed to be living together at some point in the near future?

Everyone will be different but, once in the week & a bit of the weekend would be enough for me. I think bigger things develop when they are allowed to breathe

I used to see my bf 2 or 3 times a week when we didn't live together.

If you want to spend more time with him then the only way to do that is talk to him about it

I'm wondering if mc meant miscarriage? If so I'm v sorry for your loss but is it a good idea to be having a baby when you don't live with him yet and you already have one to look after?

4 times a week, but my children are grown.

@Shoxfordian - yes, miscarriage. It was a completely unplanned pill failure and we hadn't even made our minds up as whether to go ahead when it happened, but that doesn't make it any easier. I work and DS is 5, my life isn't so unbalanced I couldn't cope with another, but thanks for the judgement.

Thanks everyone else, seems we're in the average parameters. I guess I'm just feeling a bit sad given recent events. We do talk about it, we make plans for the weekend to go and do things together/him spending extra nights then they never happen because something for him comes up.

Wouldn’t be enough for me. And I love my own space and company. I would think most weekends unless one of you has other plans, and two or three nights during the week. Even when one of us had something else on we’d often still come to the other person’s house afterwards later so we could spend a bit of time together then sleep next to one another for the night.

There were times when it was less but it was pre agreed and for a reason, eg he had a few serious exams coming up and would literally be studying 18 hours per day for the next fortnight.

I think being so blase about not minding seeing the other person fairly infrequently isn’t really a good sign in such a relatively new relationship. You should still both be really excited to be with each other!

I love my own space too, it works us not seeing each other much during the week because I like my own routine and it's 'my time' to unwind after work and sorting DS rather than fanny about sorting the house, cooking extra.. and having a shave. We do get excited to see each other and speak every day, so it's not like we're NC the rest of the week, I'd just like an extra night or so with him a week rather than his hobbies or mates taking priority, but then I feel a bit selfish and silly

Taking you for granted. Be a bit busy for a couple of weeks.
It's the changing plans that's disappointing, he's not making you a priority.
Either a regular set up, every Wednesday and every other weekend, or a night in the week and a day at weekend, or a varied but non negotiable arrangement each week, not just when it's convenient to him.

I don’t generally like game playing, but streetlife is right on the money.

I’m guessing your power dynamic atm is where you’re kinda free whenever he asks but he isn’t always free when you ask? Like you’re waiting around to see when he’s free? Fuck that. Plan your own busy fun week for a few weeks and then say you think it’s best to arrange a set day of the week.

No judgement just advice

3 nights a week - when my DS is with his dad. I find that’s enough for me.

@Shoxfordian I don't need advice on when is the correct time to have children, but thanks? I'm aware the timing wasn't great, hence why it was a complete accident. Still raw none the less.

Think I'm just feeling a bit clingy given last month, the MC actually happened over one of our weekends, he was fantastic but I definitely have this niggle that maybe if it was any other weekend then he wouldn't have dropped his plans/I wouldn't have been priority.

@Missingstreetlife exactly that too, I hate making plans and being dropped at last minute. I don't do anything in the week except work and sort DS, so it's very disappointing when I'm expecting to see him and it falls through because some mate's invited him to the pub

i don't do anything in the week except work and sort DS, so it's very disappointing when I'm expecting to see him and it falls through because some mate's invited him to the pub

Oh my god, what?

You have plans but he sacks you off if he gets a better offer??

If this was my relationship and I had set aside time to spend with my OH and he cancelled on me to go to a better off with friends it’d be the last time he saw me, trust me!

He made the mistake of disrespecting my time a couple of occasions by coming over an hour or two late without letting me know/asking to reschedule. Didn’t do that again. It’s fucking rude to change plans without checking it’s alright with the other person, but actually dropping someone because you fancy seeing other people more is beyond a joke. Please tell me I’ve misunderstood?

Nope. Not enough for me. 2 or 3 times a week.

Typically twice during the week and then at least one day at the weekend.

That said, ex and I have DS 50/50 so I have free time, which makes it easier. And, if DP or I have a busy week (I.e. this week we saw each other last night but the rest of the week is a no go) we know we have weekend plans.

I would talk to your DP, OP. You’re planning to live together so now is the time to set your expectations about what that means, and how much you expect to see him. He should not be rescheduling your plans for the pub, #1!!

My ex and I had young families and our own houses but even when the kids were young we spent more time together than you do at the moment. My ex played football and pool a huge amount but we still managed to see each other at least one night a week (usually 2 sometimes 3) and most weeks on a Friday and Saturday night, unless one of us had plans with friends that we already knew about.

We didn't live in each others pockets and the amount we saw each other suited us both. Plus we would have holidays together (either with the kids or on our own) and the occasional long weekend.

Strikes me he's really not making much of an effort to see you more. and I'd be well hacked off if I was dropped at the last moment because 'a friend asked him to the pub'.

I like to have some evenings on my own in the week so DP (of 1 year) stays over 3-4 nights a week. Pretty much all weekends spent together but if one of us wanted to go and do our own thing that would be OK. I have DC pretty much all the time except in holidays but I would assume the majority of DC-free time would be spent together as we both enjoy that for a change! Happy not to be in each other's pockets and happy to do things alone but also kind of with the default being that we spend free time together whenever possible.

Not to say you can't be flexible, swap Wednesday for Thursday, say, if it suits you. Just don't be always waiting, it destroys your confidence. Men like women with children for this reason. Make him work harder.

Maybe you are more serious about the relationship than he is?

I think with you having a child your readiness for commitment etc is possibly further along than his, it sounds like you think you have a future of a house and marriage and it sounds like he is casually dating you.

Maybe a frank discussion? Sorry for your loss

Trying not to drip feed - we were spending more time together up until the last couple of months, I used to share DS with ex more frequently but since he found out about DP he refuses to have him as often as he doesn't want to have DS so I can 'swan off' every other weekend with DP, this has impacted on our relationship as ex is making things as awkward as possible including telling DS he cannot be friends with DP and has drilled it in about DP spending more time with our DS than he does. DP does make an effort with DS but I know he finds it difficult so I try not to overlap them too much, but then when we do live together he's going to have to deal with it anyway on a day to day basis.

The dropping at last minute for the pub has always been a problem so it's my own fault for expecting it to be any different after 2 yrs. it wasn't so much of a problem when I could go and do my own thing, but now I have DS at home more I feel a bit trapped. (I don't drive, live in the arse end of no where and none of my friends have children/aren't interested unless it involves having a drink)

I think I'm being over sensitive to it right now because I'm feeling a bit fragile and he's been away nearly every weekend since April and will be for at least another month.

@Miserysquared it's not like that, I wasn't actually interested in being in a relationship at all before this - he pursued me for a good few months before we got together properly. He's also the driving force with us saving for a home, plans for marriage and future children. I don't doubt his commitment, I'd just like more of an effort from him to spend time with me

i think I'm being over sensitive to it right now because I'm feeling a bit fragile

Rightly, to be fair.

You’re with a man who’d rather see his mates for a last minute drink at the pub than be with you. When you recently had a MC and are supposed to be moving in together this year. And he seems quite happy that his life is too full to really include you.

I agree with PP, you’re more into this than he is. He’s treating it as a nice casual dating relationship, you’re seeing it as something with a future (enabling him to see your child, planning to move in). He’s giving you crumbs and you’re lapping them up.

I mean this in the kindest way, but I hope you find your self respect and move on from this relationship sooner rather than later. It must be doing a number on your self esteem.

We live together now but when we didn’t we would see each other 3 evenings per week (usually 1 during the week and then fri and sat evenings). He was very busy renovating a house and also working full time. That amount of time together worked for us but if it had been any less I wouldn’t have been ok with it for too long.

@Missingstreetlife you are very right

I wasn't actually interested in being in a relationship at all before this - he pursued me for a good few months before we got together properly.

That doesn’t really mean anything now, two entire years has passed. A lot has changed. He certainly isn’t pursuing you now, nor does he seem to want to see you very much.

It’s a bit weird if he really is the driving force behind these things, yet isn’t fussed about seeing you and would rather drink with friends than be with you (when you’ve just lost his child!!)

I think he’s all talk. Look up future faking.

Even if you do manage to get him living under the same roof as you, do you think he’ll suddenly be more keen to see and spend time with you? People rarely change.