How often do you see DP when not living together?

[pigsispigs]

I'm wondering how often those who don't live with their OHs see each other on a weekly basis for comparison? I'm feeling a bit pushed out (admittedly a bit over sensitive following MC last month) but I'm prepared to hear IABU.

I've been with my DP for two years, both almost 30, I rent my own home and he lives with ILs whilst we save to buy our own home about a year away, I also have a DS who stays with ex 1 weekend a month. Our set up used to be he would spend an evening a week with me after DS went to bed and we spend the one free weekend together, he is now involved with DS so the current set up is he spends one night during the week with me, our one weekend together and perhaps a night over the other weekends.

I want us to spend more time together, but he has lots of his own stuff going on at the weekends/weeknights, sports and other hobbies, things with his family, I don't want to smother him or seem controlling, I've never stopped him going anywhere. He's at a festival this weekend so I won't see him for nearly 2 weeks, since April he's been on a stag do away, a weekend away with his team and longer one coming up in July. This last weekend he went away with some friends for a new hobby which will take him away for at least 2 days - he's now decided this will become a regular thing, probably once a month.

I am admittedly a bit resentful he gets to do everything he pleases whenever he wants, whilst my one free weekend usually revolves around us (this weekend is child-free and all mine for once) I understand my child is not his responsibility and I've never pushed them onto each other, I just wish he would/wanted to spend more time with me/us, even if it's just an extra night a week. The time we do spend together is fantastic, I just feel a bit lonely and after 2 years I would think we'd be a bit more 'together' especially if we're supposed to be living together at some point in the near future?

What does your DP find difficult about your DS? Does he not enjoy spending time as the 3 of you? That would be a problem for me.

Dropping you last minute is fucking awful. I wouldn't put up with that. I'm guessing you are not invited along.

Your ex is a twat but perhaps this is helping you see your DP in a real light. If he wants a relationship with you, your son has to be included.

I've been with my bloke for about 2 1/2 years + we see each other every weekend, either overnight if DD is at her dad's or a couple of afternoons if she's not) and a couple of hours one evening in the week.

We both have busy lives and it tends to work for us most of the time.

Haven't RTFT so sorry I'm only answering your OP. We're in a similar situation. I rent, he lives with his elderly mum. We're waiting until I've finished uni to buy a house together. I have a 4yo DS who goes to his Dad's every fortnight for 4 days. My DP is involved with my son and stays at mine every weekend and we usually see each other 3-4 nights during the week, he might stay over for 2 of those then we might go out for dinner or one of us might cook then he'll go home - but it can vary. This is partly due to his work being far away (near his mums) and the fact we are both studying, him part time and me full time. I need the break from both of them sometimes!

Once in week, then all weekend when lived 25 miles away
Was lovely

@WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam I genuinely don't think it's 'future faking', I think it's just that he's a bit oblivious and makes too many plans without consideration. He's not got any dependents and has spent the best part of 30 years being able to be selfish with his time. I don't think us living together will necessarily make him more keen, he'll still go and do his own thing but he'd be coming back home with me rather than his parents. My home now isn't big enough for 3 of us so it's not like he could stay more than a couple of nights a week anyway. He's got my shit together in a lot of ways, and has put a lot of work in if he's only leading me on, he's just an inconsiderate prat at times.

@fruitbrewhaha it's more the situation with his dad, he doesn't want to be stepping on any toes and I've had/still having a hard time with ex, including court for personal and parental reasons. DS and DP get on great otherwise, but DS does get upset when DP is around instead of his dad. DP has known since day one DS comes first and is part of the parcel.

@purplelass I think that is part of the problem, DP is very busy and I'm not.

'MummytoCSJH the weekdays don't bother me so much as I don't get home till late anyway, the weekends are a just a bit crap at the moment. I'm hoping once the bulk of social occasions are out the way we can balance back out

Hi pigs - you need to talk with him about where you both see this going. He's actually having a great time isn't he? He's free to do what he wants when he wants - that's fine for him but not working for you.
He may see your future like this - married/living together but for to do what HE wants.
Are you saving for a house together - are you both on track - he seems to spend a lot which is fine as long as he's saving for what you both want too.
I'd not be sure about him - your ex isn't nice either - he doesn't love his child either as he has stopped seeing his son to stop you going out!!!
What a pig!!!
I think it's time for a serious talk about how you both see your future.

Sorry - does your ex pay maintainace and did you get a formal arrangement re access. It may be worth doing so now.

For my current set up that would be enough but I have 4 kids and very busy and don't want to love with a man or have more children.

At your age and after two years and planning to move in together etc it'd be way too little and I'd be super annoyed that he seems to be prioritising everything else apart from spending the bare minimum of time with you.

I think that is part of the problem, DP is very busy and I'm not

I used to get this but joined a gym and found some hobbies to make sure I wasn't missing him too much when I didn't see him.

Your question is focusing on the number of times you should be meeting and I don’t think this is the real issue here - it is possible to have a committed relationship with less time together, but that time should be sacrosanct - not kicked into touch at the last minute because he fancies a drink with his mate more than he wants to spend time with you! Where do you feel that puts you in the list of things that are important to him?

And do you think your life will be different when you live together? At least you’ve had a chance to see what it will be like, as it seems to me you’ll just replace his parents and he will continue to come & go as he pleases.

@Mary1935 we do talk about it, he seems to listen then within a couple of weeks something new comes up. It seems like a minor issue considering the rest of our relationship is really good (despite how it's coming across here) and I don't want to become needy when we're both (usually) happily independent - and given the absolute shit I've had from exes, him having hobbies/a night or two at the pub a week pales in comparison! He earns quite a lot more than I do and lives with parents so he still manages to save double+ what I do monthly

The ex is a whole other can of worms. There are lax arrangements set up re. maintenance and access, but for the most part he's been a good father and was usually quite cooperative with having DS so I've tried not to rock the boat too much. We mostly use a third party to communicate who isn't the most helpful, the whole situation is a bit of a mess

@purplelass I used to go to gym but I no longer have childcare available in the evenings and it's no longer feasible with new job hours. I do need a hobby, it's just hard as evenings are a complete write off and weekends are almost solely around DS - talking of which, my 'free' weekend this week is no longer free as ex has kicked off about DP again

given the absolute shit I've had from exes, him having hobbies/a night or two at the pub a week pales in comparison!

Your bar is set pretty low OP.

Because you’ve had shit from your ex, you’re now persuading yourself that being sacked off at the last minute (from a solid plan to meet up) by a man who would rather go see his mates is somehow as good as you can get.

It isn’t!

Wouldn’t you love to be with a man who can’t wait to see you?

I started my last relationship when I was seriously busy, working literally eighty hours per week, I still managed to see him more often than you see this guy, I would go pick him up on my way home from work at 11pm just to be able to sleep in the same bed overnight and then say goodbye the next morning. When I had time actually free, a few hours on a weekend morning or evening, seeing him was my first choice. I still saw friends and did hobbies but on balance we saw each other around five times per week or so, maybe more.

When somebody is really into you you won’t have to ask, you’ll know, you’ll feel it. You won’t have to fixate on general questions like ‘what’s the best amount of time to see someone’ in the hope that you’ll find out your situation is average and then be placated. You’ll be his priority. Not second choice after the pub and his mates. He sounds a bit immature tbh, has a partner with a son who recently lost his child and is supposed to be saving for a house with her, but he’d rather sack you off? Reminds me of an ex I had when I was eighteen who’d get me to go home the next day after a sleepover because his friends had text him asking to go skateboarding.

I remember that sick feeling of going off home on my own with no plans as we were meant to be spending the rest of the day together.

I wouldn’t stand for that shit anymore (and knowing that guy now he wouldn’t do it to his partner now either!), it’s pretty pathetic your boyfriend is still doing it.

I’m not sure he’s ready for a mortgage and step parenting, nor does he seem very enthusiastic about it anyway.

Just take a step back and have a think OP, stop giving him the power and take some time to consider whether if this is how things are the rest of your life, you can be happy with him. I couldn’t but maybe you can. Clutching onto ‘well if he’s like it when we live together at least he’ll come home at night to me’ sounds like cold comfort. Surely you want someone who will wake up and plan a day with you and your son? Want to take you out? Spend a night snuggled up on the sofa? Can you imagine him spending a whole weekend having family time with you?

Well, I'll be honest, I just wanted some comparisons to see if I'm being clingy or whether this was in the normal realms as the only other 2 relationships have gone at lightspeed. I felt this was a generally good relationship with a decent, albeit slightly unmindful man, and now I feel a bit sick and doubting the entire thing.

Neurosis now in overdrive just in time for his being away and mostly uncontactable for the next week

I’m sorry if what I’ve said has been part of why you feel so crappy right now! I know other PP have said similar though, so I don’t think I’m way off the mark with my take.

I hate to think of you blaming neuroses. It isn’t, IMO, not when you’re in the relationship you’re in. You’re not being hysterical or unreasonable, so I hope you take that from this thread.

Every relationship has good and bad parts and only you can decide whether you are willing to stick with this one, just know it probably won’t change drastically.

@WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam It's more of a recent problem because before I could find something to do and we'd meet up after, but now I'm stuck at home regardless and once I'm done with DS the last thing I want is to wait up for him and I don't allow anyone under the influence around my son (alcoholic parent). Last month put a new perspective on things and I wasn't sure whether I'm just being over-sensitive because of that and he is more busy than usual in recent weeks.

We are looking at moving back up to Scotland, even if that doesn't materialise we are certainly looking to moving out of the area (his idea, not mine) so last minute trips to the pub/his mates wouldn't be as easy. Perhaps I'm just romanticizing the whole thing

PS: hobbies are good! If you felt it was all well balanced with your relationship you wouldn’t be here. A night or two at the pub is fine too. I don’t get the sense that’s a problem for you, it’s the fact he sacks off plans with you to go and do that. That’d be seriously disrespectful no matter what he was off choosing to do instead.

I think he’ll probably be someone who finds loads to do and new friends wherever he goes. And I dunno, even if he didn’t, it doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t respect you and your time. He’ll still be that person even if the only reason he’s hanging out at home is because he has no better offers.

It’s not good is it that he’s extra busy when a) you are more free to spend time with him and b) you’re recovering from a miscarriage. What’s so important that he has to be away from you even more right now while you’ve suffered a loss? It just doesn’t sit right. Even if you were my best friend I’d be offering to drop everything to be there if you needed me and were in your own so soon after a miscarriage.

@WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam it's not! I can understand how it looks and it's hard to gauge over an internet forum. I know some of what I'm feeling is resentment and I know he can be unthoughtful but I really didn't think our relationship was how it's being perceived on here.

He does what I ask of him, he helps me and DS if needed and is very attentive, I just wish he had more time in his busy schedule to physically be around because I actually enjoy his company (which does not occur for me often), but perhaps the problem is that he doesn't want to make the time.

also the 'it's not!' was to your previous message apologising that I feel this way - not to your recents

Sorry for your loss. I expect your hormones are still all over the place but I wouldn't be happy in your shoes. It's not so much the amount of time, it's the lack of consideration. He can do as he pleases, drop you whenever something better comes up, but no doubt expects you to be at his beck and call whenever he has some free time. I wouldn't be planning to live with him unless he changes his ways big time, otherwise he'll just carry on pleasing himself and expect you to pick up the pieces.

maybe if it was any other weekend then he wouldn't have dropped his plans/I wouldn't have been priority
This is a huge red flag!

he's been away nearly every weekend since April and will be for at least another month
This isn't a relationship, is it? Certainly no relationship I'd want to be in. Being apart because of work or looking after a sick parent etc. is one thing, but no weekend together for three months simply because he is off doing fun things of his own? No way.

he'll still go and do his own thing but he'd be coming back home with me rather than his parents
Honestly, is this what you want from him? That he treat your home like a hotel and you're sat there waiting for him to get bored with his mates / hobby and come home to you?

Please, have more respect for yourself.

It's not the frequency you see him it's that he cancels if he gets better plans. Unless it was once in a blue moon because of unusual circumstances I would not put up with this!

Hang on. You said that he had to cut down on the time he was around your son because of his dad and how it makes you son feel. You also won't allow him to drink around him, so maybe it's because you make it difficult for him to be around you/your son?

@Cricrichan he doesn't spend a lot of time at the weekends with us because DS tells his dad if he's been around and it causes more agro for me and DS. Obviously it was never a problem when I had a couple of free weekends a month, we're trying to integrate more time as the three of us and have things booked, but at present it's took a back seat. DS gets upset because his dad still drips in his ear about me and him being together and how we should be a family etc... There's probably only been two occasions where I've turned DP down because of it.

He only goes to the pub once, maybe twice a week, I don't think me not wanting him around after drinking makes it so difficult

Anyway, saw him last night and it was brought up. He's cutting down training whilst off season so hopefully will be making more time for each other. Shall see.

I don't see my boyfriend very often, probably once a fortnight. Usually one of us is away at the weekends. However, when we do see each other its a definite, unless a parent is ill or work intervenes. If he cancelled a date to go to the pub with a friend he wouldn't expect there to be another one, he'd know I'd be really hurt - unless friend had a crisis or some other extenuating circumstance (for example I cancelled a date recently to babysit my god daughter as best friend had a work emergency, and that was understood)